HAVING 2nd THOUGHTS? Help / Advice Appreciated.?

StacieG

You're making one of the most difficult decisions life has to offer. I applaud you for fully considering all your options while you're still pregnant.

If you feel that you could parent this child without abusing or neglecting it...and that you could provide the basics (the basics, mind you...not the name brand clothes, a car at 16 and a full ride to college...I'm talking food, clothing, housing and love), I say you should choose to parent the child.

The child will likely not hate you, but will certainly wonder why you made an adoption plan for him/her. If you come back with the fact that you had stability & could provide the basics, but just didn't feel like you could handle it or couldn't provide the luxuries of life...it will be a blow to him/her. If, however, you are in an unstable relationship...you & dh are each working two or three jobs and there's no way you can provide for the child financially, then the child will more likely understand where you were & appreciate the difficulty of your decision.

If you do decide to make an adoption plan, you can choose how open or closed it is as well as choose the adoptive parents. That would probably give you great peace of mind.

Go to a crisis pregnancy center & talk to one of their counselors. They'll be able to give you guidance, help and point you to resources.

I hope this helps! May God bless you as you make this difficult decision.

Supermommy!!!

if you are having second thought don't do it. it's not something you can get back later if you change your mind.

concerned

I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed. (Hugs)

Adoption is hard for us moms. Very, very hard. I can't begin to say what you should do, not knowing all the specifics of the situation, but I can give you my from-the-gut, heartfelt response, which is simply this: If you can find a way to keep your child, please do.

Honestly, in my experience, actually relinquishing is the easy part (not that it was easy, just by comparison with the following years). Oh, it took a ton of resolve and willpower and I suppose something like courage to sign the papers terminating my rights.... but that didn't make it the right thing to do. It can be, and often is, just as courageous and just as right to parent your child.

Look inside your heart. What is it telling you? This is a huge, life-changing decision, and you shouldn't, in my opinion, make it based solely from either your head OR your heart... you need to listen to both. I think, when we are pregnant and unsure how to make parenting work, we forget that... we try to make logical choices, based on fact... but the mother-child bond transcends logic and facts. Don't underestimate the importance of what your heart says.

Apart from that... apart from really searching yourself and being totally, completely honest with yourself... the next best advice I can give you is to read. Read, research. Seek out some adoption forums: find out what moms who have done this and lived with relinquishment for 10, 20, 40 years have to say about the experience. Find out what adoptees (and yes, there is a range of responses) feel about being relinquished/adopted. Find out the laws in your state... are open adoptions legally enforceable? If you do sign away your parental rights, how much time (if any) do you have to change your mind? (In most states it's very little; 30 days is usually the max.) Research, too, any resources that might help you parent, if lack of resources is influencing your decision.

You'll come through this, you will. Just keep listening to your heart, okay?

luzina p

follow your heart and u will do right thing, the best 2 u, by

Go with your heart, and explain those feeling to your husband. You both should sit down and see if it's something you both are ready for. Having a child is hard on many marriages. Best wishes

Richelle78

Do what you believe is right. If you want to keep the baby, than you should do that. I am a supporter of adoption, but if you want your baby, you should keep your baby. It would be very difficult on you and your husband, the child, and the adoptive family if you went through with an adoption and then changed your mind. Good luck.

mandi m

i was adopted,and even though my grandmother did everything she could do to raise me right,i always felt alone....like i was missing part of me. i always longed for that mother relationship,and still do at times.....i know how it feels to be given away,and its not a great feeling.if your married with a child already,thats even better. your new child will already be miles ahead of most chidren. do whats best for you!!! but i strogly suggest you keep the baby :) that is if your relationship is stable enough too

punxy_girl

What a hard decision for you and your husband. First, you need to do what is best for the baby. If you decide to make an adoption plan, you might consider an open adoption. That way you can keep in touch with the baby throughout its life. Most adopted children don't hate their birth mothers. In fact, most appreciate the hard choice that she made for them.

JoHn S.

If you are having ANY doubt, then seek some counseling. I would suggest that it's NOT an adoption agency or an adoption lawyer though, because I think it's nearly impossible for them to give you an UNBIASED opinion, since they have something to gain, ONLY if you decide to place. Find a counselor, or clergy, who isn't tied to the adoption industry, to help you with your decision.

But, if you are having ANY doubts, I would at least TRY parenting this child first. I would think that placing a child for adoption has to be high on the list of 'most regrettable decisions ever', if there was such a list. Unfortunately, you don't hear that side too often, until it's too late.

By the way, I am an adoptive parent, hoping to adopt again. But, I would NEVER feel comfortable adopting your child, knowing you have this much doubt. It might seem like a 'little' doubt to you, or others reading here, but it was enough for you to put it out here for all to read. Listen to your heart on this. But, most importantly, don't listen to those who see things in black and white. It can't ALWAYS be best for the child, to either place, or to parent. However, you have not written anything that suggests that your child would be better off with someone else. So, I will not leap to such conclusions that you are, or would be an unfit parent.

I suspect, that since you care enough to write your feelings down out here in the open, that you care enough to seek out as much knowledge and support that you SHOULD have to make this decision. Do yourself, your husband and especially your baby a favor by making an INFORMED decision, not just an emotional one.

Good luck to you and your family!

Doodlestuff

Keep your baby. Best for the baby in the long run. Adoption is a permanent solution for what is usually a temporary problem.

I think this is a choice you and your husband have to make together. I am not aware of the situation you are in or your reasons for considering adoption for this child. All I can say is that you have to do what is best for this baby. If finances are the problem there are always ways to cut back, cut costs and save money. My husband and I are trying to adopt but I can honestly tell you that most adoptive parents would not feel right accepting the responsibility of parenting a child when the birth parents were not 100% confident in their decision. I will pray that God gives you peace in whatever decision you make, Best of luck, ~J~

rox

By the way, I think it important to remember that some of the people who are encouraging you to adopt your child out are also insinuating you are on heroin.

If you are on heroin and plan to beat the child and neglect to feed them, then surely, adoption would be a wonderful gift to this child.

Is the situation really that dire? You sound like you're just a married couple dealing with a pregnancy that was not planned and might be a bit of a strain financially and emotionally.

If that is the case, then I say keep in a heart beat! You will never regret having your child, and your child will be happy to know you stuck it through because you wanted them so much.

You know, children need to feel wanted and needed! Those emotions are not only good for you, but good for baby also! I'm not sure why a poster was insinuating you are on heroin (?) a little dramtic there, but I wish you the best in keeping your family together darling!

Christine H

If you feel that way now, wait until you have it. There is nothing like seeing your baby. Even if you try not to look at the baby once you feel it come out, it is an overwhelming feeling. Your motherly instincts have already kicked in. I don't know you reasoning for putting your child up for adoption, but I do know that you already love this child and the more you feel movements the more you will love him/her. You won't be able to do it, so you may as well talk to your husband about it now. The both of you can do it. It's worth it.

Mr and Mrs Doe

You and your husband need to decide as a team, first and foremost. You two had reached the decision of adoption for a reason (which you didn't mention), and it may be a valid one. My only feeling is that if your child decides to meet you one day, will you be able to handle the question, "Why did you keep my sibling but give me away?" I can't imagine keeping only one of my children, but our situations may be completely opposite. If you are having second thoughts, discuss it over with your husband and consider speaking to a professional therapist. My advice is not to decide before weighing all the options and discussing it thoroughly with your husband. I wish you the best of luck! :)

Gershom

a little late chiming in here, but my words are still important none the less.

money or lack of it, is NEVER a reason to surrender a child to adoption. The govt. has programs set up ( few and far between ) that can help a family in poverty raise their child USE THEM. Please USE THEM.

http://www.origins.org has a list of resources by state i believe, if they don't contact me and tell me you're state and i'll find them for you if you cannot.

second, this doesn't just effect how your baby in utero will feel about the surrender, this also includes your already born child. Your oldest child will feel separation issues too, this will also effect him. He / she will see mommy go through pregnancy, and if you do surrender ( God i hope you dont ) he will wonder where the baby went, and you'll really have to work hard to communicate through to him that you won't give him away too.

3rd - notice the people on here who are saying you should do it, are adopters, and some are even looking to adopt. I have nothing to gain or lose from this situation, my advice is unbiased. I am merely an adoptee, who has survived adoption and has been in reunion now since 2001. I can tell you that not a day went by that my mother ( the woman who gave birth to me ) nor myself didn't miss eachother from our core. You NEVER get over it.

here are some more links for you to check out:
http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf
http://www.motherhelp.info

lastly, i URGE you to just attempt at parenting first. Give it a shot, SEE if you CAN DO IT. I believe you can, and sometimes all it takes is a little bit of encouragement to believe in yourself. You CAN make this work. you are your babies favorite everything right now. Fav. sight, smell, touch, sound, and taste. YOU. You are all your baby wants and needs. Please check out the blog of a dear friend of mine http://lizardchronicles.blogspot.com she has devoted a lifetime to the development of children and the effects of separation and loss of mother on them. Read up and see how it will effect your child to lose you.

I wish you all of the strength you need to keep your child. There are many support groups out there, use them, don't lean on the shoulders of adoption agencies and lawyers or adoptive parents or people wanting to adopt, they WILL give you biased opinions, they all have something to gain from those who surrender, or have already gained something from someone who surrendered so they have a narrow minded view on the situation. 9 times out of 10 they don't feel the pain mothers and we adoptees do from adoption.

good luck to you, may you and your children and your husband live together, grow together and be together.

p.s. open adoptions are NOT legally enforceable. They can be closed at ANY TIME. DO NOT SIGN AWAY YOUR RIGHTS IN THE HOSPITAL UNDER DURESS FROM THE LABOR. DO NOT ALLOW LAWYERS OR AN ANGENCY REPRESENTATIVE INTO THE DELIVERY ROOM WITH YOU.

Liz G

Mother of four...

I CAN'T believe you just solicited someone who is so apparently struggling with this decision and is having 2nd thoughts. Unbelievable.

Cam

It's wonderful that are considering keeping your child. But as time goes on and you still have thoughts placing your child for adoption I suggest you find some counseling for you and your husband. A good counselor can help you see this through no matter what you decide.

This IS a difficult decision. Most importantly it is YOUR decision.

Americka S

As an adoptee, I would advice you to do what is best for you. If you feel like at this time in your life you need to give your child up for adoption than do so, I would consider an open adoption. If you are having second thoughts and feel if you giving your child up for adoption would be to difficult than go somewhere for the day alone and ask yourself could you care for this child in a healthly, loving, productive way and if so, keep your baby. Deciding you cannot care for your child at all is very diffrent from the normal streesses that parents go through having to care for another human being.

Possum

Best for child - is staying with you.

Separation from mother causes life long effects.

Keep your child.

*** Added to say to USC Chick below: please educate yourself on infant trauma from being separated from mother's before you sprout your uneducated mouth off.

To start with - http://www.healingresources.info/article_axness2.htm

http://www.leaderu.com/orgs/tul/psychtoday9809.html

http://www.birthpsychology.com/birthscene/intelligent1.html

http://www.geocities.com/heartland/ranch/1049/effects2.html

http://www.adopting.org/marcy4.html

http://www.attachmentparenting.org/artchemistry.shtml

http://home.mweb.co.za/to/torngren/firsthrs.htm

http://www.trauma-pages.com/a/schore-2001a.php

http://www.trauma-pages.com/a/schore-2001b.php

http://www.naturalchild.com/guest/marcy_axness.html

Thanks.

****Added for the original poster - I'm sorry that you've already been described as a heroin addict - sadly that's what most biological mother's end up being called once they relinquish.
Prospective adoptive parents sometimes just want a child - any child - at any cost.

Please keep your child.

Granny 1

Keep this child, after all it was made out of love wasn't it? If you were single and really struggling that would be one thing, but married with 1 child already you would regret it.

AdoptiveMama

My first question would be why are you and your husband giving your baby up for adoption? A baby needs a loving family, and if you already have a child, I am not really sure why.

That is none of my business though. Do not give your baby up for adoption unless both you AND your husband are 100% that is what you want to do! I do not think that your child would hate you or think you are an aweful mother for giving him or her up for adoption. You didn't give us details, but if you have a good reason for allowing your child to be adopted into a loving family, there is no reason to worry about your child hating you!

Good luck, I know this is a difficult time with many, many decisions to make.

daenarys

Do it, Keep your baby, if you dont, you will alwys have that hanging over your head that, "Where is he now?" or "would he have been happier with me??" Or "Did i make the right choice" YOu have obviously already bonded with your baby. He chose you!!!

green march

It is a decision that can hurt forever if you make the wrong one. Personally, I think a child should be with its birth parents if at all possible. I couldn't give my child up. Think about it long and hard. Good luck!

grapesgum

First, communicate your change of heart to your husband.

Second, discuss with your husband WHY you felt that adoption was "the right thing to do". If it was for economic reasons, then you need to come up with a plan to provide for your new child between now and birth.

Third, consider how you will explain adoption to your children. "Mommy, why did you keep my sister/brother and give me away?" and "Mommy, why did you give my brother/sister away?"

You have given birth before so you know that your feelings of attachment now will be a zillion times stronger after you give birth. I think that you need to plan to parent and prepare financially to do that (if that is the reason for choosing adoption). That way you can walk away from adoption if you cannot bring yourself to give your child away and not feel forced to place because you are backed into a corner.

Thee is a reason that they don't let you sign your rights away until 48 hours after birth. You bet it is a hard choice. I don't know the reasons you thought of giving the child up. But I can tell you this, the child won't hate you, well not necessarily. I have seen some post on here that have said they would. But I don't believe that. My brother was adopted and he never expressed hate towards his birth parents and he was their 7th child and they just felt they could not afford another one. My son is adopted and I know how hard it was for the birth mother. I was there, I held her hand in deliver and saw the tears when she put him in to my arms the last time. She knew it was best for her and him. But I keep in touch through the case worker. She gets pictures and updates and I have a picture of her to show him. I expect someday he will want to meet her. That's scary for me but I understand it may be a need for him. A mom does what her child needs. My son's mother was the 3rd birth mother to choose me. The other two changed their minds after birth. Yes, that was hard for me but I understand. I sure Moses mother (in the Bible) didn't want to have to give her son away but she did. I know that your situation is different as no one is threating your child. But take it easy on yourself. Know you don't have to decide right now, right this minute. Think about why you were going to give him up and if those reasons have changed. You have time to figure this out and to do what is best. I am not saying which is best because only you can decide that. Your the parent and you do what you think is best. You have one child already, so you know, sometimes your judgement is wrong but you know you always did what you thought was best and no one can ask any more of any parent

MeerKat

there must be a reason you considered adoption in the first place. You need to listed to the pro's and con's in your heart. By the way as an adoptee, children do not always need to be with thier b family, sometimes adoption is the best gift you can give to a child, and they will not nessessarily hate you at all.

Heather B

Please don't give your baby to anyone and beware of so-called open adoption, there is such a thing but it can sometimes be used as a coercive tactic to get your baby and then the adopters shut the door on you with no recourse

Baby wants to be with his or her mother please please don't but your baby through the trauma of losing you. The best interests of the child are to stay with mommy. Please don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Agencies have waiting eager paying customers who will do anything to get your baby. There is a clear conflict of interest - get independent counselling (agencies will only try to convince you adoption is the way to go - it's their business and they have customers waiting)

Please keep your baby he/she is part of you and you do not owe your baby to anyone, however they try to convice you they are more deserving or capable than you. They are not.

Talk to your husband.

Is the reason that you are considering putting the baby up for adoption financial or is there some other reason?

brenda l

First of all, I'm not real clear on if the child belongs to your husband???? If it does, no question about it, KEEP IT, and I can't say that loud enough! If not, you would have to consider this,( would your husband leave you if you kept the child)? If that where the case your home would be split no matter how you look at it which is a very sad situation. IF the child belongs to someone else, you really need to do some serious talking with your husband and find out his true feelings( And consider his feelings). If he is not willing to accept someone elses child as his own then YOU have a major decision to make, (what will I sacrifice, my child that I carry or The child and husband that I now have)??? I hope this is not the case.Just know that if this is the case,Adoption may be the only reasonable answer(AND I SAY MAY BE) No one has all the answers.

Heather G

only u know what is best for ur family.. go woth ur heart and do what u think is best. either way there's no lossing.. the baby will be loved and taken care of. good luck and god bless

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