Has any adoptees experienced this? Can you explain?
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Has any adoptees experienced this? Can you explain?
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My daughter is now four and has been with us since she was 18 months. I talk a lot about my son on here and rarely about my daughter because my son has RADs and I obviously need a lot more advice in his direction.
They are natural siblings.
We have always discussed adoption with the kids as my son was 3 and VERY aware of his situation when he came to live with us as a foster child. Now, many of these conversations were with my son, but in front of my daughter.
Note also, that we have a picture of their mom on our fridge and she is holding both children.
Mom was very attached to my son and apparently not at all to his sister. Her neglect was much more severe as during her gestation moms drug use was a much more severe and even more after the birth. THeir visits were supervised because mom was considered a flight risk but only with my son, not my daughter. They truly believed that she might "kidnap" him and not my daughter.
Here is my question:
My daughter refuses to believe that she is adopted. She often taunts my son that he has another mom and that I am really her mom and not his. I have corrected this idea numerous times, but it keeps coming up. I have told her the story of how she came to us, and she seems really interested and happy to hear the story, but at the same time, she insists that I am her belly mom no matter how many times I tell her that she grew in another woman.
Is she ignoring the truth on purpose or is it just her age?
She accepts that she had a foster mom before me, but refuses to accept her natural mom even though we are super careful to not talk in negatives about her, and clearly support my son's love for his mother in front of her.
Even though she knows that the lady in the picture is her mother, when I ask her "who is that?" she says a strange lady. I can point out another picture of a cousin she met once for 20 minutes and she will know that persons name even though she has not seen that cousin since she first came to live with us.
My instincts are telling me there is something more to this than meets the eye, but I am not sure what to do about it.
Should I push the issue with her?
What do you think is going on in her little head?
Is she just trying to torture her brother ( he gets very upset when she makes comments like "strange lady" and "mommy is not your mommy she is my mommy. you have a different mommy.")
Please help me to figure this out because I seriously want to do the best I can for her.
On a side note, there are 7 other children in her JK class that are adopted as well. When I told her that, she said "Oh like my brother."
I responded by saying "yes, and like you."
She looked at me straight in the eye and growled at me. She growled. Like my cat does when he is angry at my other cat.
I asked her if she was mad like Dorie our cat and she responded by hissing at me.
I asked her why she was angry and she then told a joke about farts and laughed and hugged me and walked away pretending to fart (she is 4 after all)
Additional Details
Taking the picture down is just not an option. It is the one of the only things that has helped her brother come to terms with what has happened. Taking it down could set him way back and I personally do not feel comfortable with "hiding" their mother. Her brother needs it their for his mental health. i wish i could give it to him for his room, but with the rads and all, I am scared he might destroy it and then that will cause more emotional pain and guilt which my son just cannot deal with. She generally just ignores the picture as it is pretty high up on the fridge and she is very small and short for her age.
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BOTZ
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Wow. Just Wow.
Honestly, I'm answering as an adoptee and with the feelings that were stirred up in me as I read your whole post.
I saw almost this EXACT same thing -- at the exact same age -- in my little sister (also adopted into the same family I was...we are not biologically related at all). Here's the HUGE difference: Even though I am only 8 1/2 years older than she is, she insisted that *I* was her "belly mom" rather than the mother who adopted us or some "strange lady" who was not "there" (not present; not visible).
I think it has to do with the need to "reject her back" in that she understands at some level that she, herself, has been rejected by this person. She was trying to make sense of the LOVE being from the same person (me) who SHOULD love her (her mom). It's trying to bring some kind of logical order to something that is not logical (adoption).
I'm speaking of my little sister in the above, but I believe the same could be true of your daughter. Without being able to explain why it does, it makes perfect sense to me that she would 'deny' and 'reject' the "woman in the picture" as her mother. I'm having a hard time putting it in words because, for me, it was a purely emotional reaction as I read it. It seems born of pain, to me. It seems like, "If I don't accept that this woman gave me away, it won't hurt that she did." It also seems that she's trying to make her tie to you 'concrete' -- as in, "If you are my 'belly' mom, my "real" mom (please don't take offense...I'm trying to speak as a child), my 'only' mom, there's no chance that I'll ever lose you. There's no chance that you'll ever give me away. You HAVE to love me and take care of me...that's what moms do."
I do agree with *part* of what another responder said...just focus on the teasing for now and let the other part be. You ARE her mom, even if she has another mom. It sounds like she is trying, in a childlike way, to confirm to herself that you are HER MOM. Your son had more time and a different experience entirely (VERY different, from what you've said here and in the past) with their first mom and his feelings need to be validated tenderly -- which I think, from all I've read, that you are doing splendidly. His sister MUST not be allowed to hurt him but she needs to have her own (different) feelings validated, too. That's the FEELINGS, not the incorrect statements that have their source (I believe) in the feelings.
I would suggest that you continue doing what you are doing. Assure her that you love her. Do all the things you do that solidify your role as her mom and her place in your life, home, heart. Also, continue to correct her when she claims she is not adopted and/or that you are her "belly" mom. I believe that consistency is important. But, as it seems you have already, be firm but brief. Be consistent and then be done. Don't make it a big deal.
I agree with YOU though, on the picture. Leave it where it is. Just in case she is intentionally trying to hurt your son with her words/actions, she must not get a 'win' on this point. I don't think it would change her much one way or the other but it could DEVASTATE him. I don't know your son personally, of course, but I have worked with children who suffered from RADs and I suspect any changes along the lines of the picture being moved to his room (destruction notwithstanding) could be seen by him as "confirmation" of his sister's claims. Does that make sense? You really know better than any of us do... but I think you are doing really well already and I think you are right about the picture staying put.
Best of luck to you all. Take care! |
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LadyCatherine
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You should NOT let her taunt her brother, in any way this is WRONG.. she is 4 and can understand this is wrong and needs to punished in some way..
even tho she is just 4 she can still understand where she came from and not want to be reminded of it.. hence saying you are her real mom,, let that be for awhile, she knows where she came from on where she is now.. maybe she needs to have that...
BUT the making her brother cry needs to stop.. |
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Santa's Lil' Helper
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It is a defense mechanism. She does not want to me reminded of the pain inflicted by this "stranger". I have two adopted siblings going through this now. Take the picture down and give to the other sibling for his room. Having the pictures up caused more trauma then it helped. Let her initiate any conversations about her mother. It also has to do with age and who they identify with as their "mother" This is what the psychiatrist told us and it has worked. |
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kidmindi
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It sounds like she wants you to be her real mommy so bad she is pretending. Maybe she thinks if she believes it long enough and hard enough, it will become true.
Is she in therapy? If so talk it over with her therapist. If not, consider getting her into therapy. |
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MissWong
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Stop pushing the issue for now. She's just not ready for it. When she teases her brother just talk to her about teasing and not about the Mom issue. She will come around over time. She's just too young to process it. |
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Adult 
Gambling
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