Has any one placed for adoption that DOES NOT have emotional problems?

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

Loaded questions deserve loaded answers. I have depression and some bi polar issues-did they come up 10 years after giving my son up for adoption because I have him up? dunno. I don't think so but.....
Do I regret giving him up? No. Not in many many years. He's 22 now. I did at first, of course I did but not like I was supposed to. Keeping your baby was the popular thing to do and I didnt' have mine for people to fawn over in class everyday. I'm not horrible, I was very young, selfish, shallow and dumb. He was SO much better off being where he is! I was not a good person at that time, busy experimenting and rebelling and having fun.
I would advise counseling, talk to your support system-not to us crazies on here-to help with your decision. We're all screwed up and you'll get so much messed up information-good, bad, indifferent, weird etc. I wouldn't DREAM of telling another what to do in this situation. Too volitle, too personal, too hard.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

my first mother and i were separated 40 years ago.

you think *I* am screwed up? you should meet her........from behind a protective wall. she's insane.

Stinky Pete

nope.

magic pointe shoes

It's my understanding that relinquishing one's child for adoption is comparable to the child dying psychologically, except there is no closure grief wise as there is when a child dies. If that is true, why on earth would anyone think that someone could walk through that experience and not suffer some sort of trauma?

I'm sure others have links to more studies on the well-being of birthparents, but the one I have read completely was the one compiled by the Evan B Donaldson Adoption Institute.
http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/publications/2006BirthparentStudyrevised07.pdf

Personally, why wouldn't I hate myself for relinquishing my flesh and blood? It was by far the lowest point of my life and by relinquishing I sent myself the message that I wasn't good enough. I knew that was true even if the message given by everyone else at the time was talking about selflessness and bravery.

Edit to add:

"I was considering placing my child for adoption. Howerver, some of you seem very angry period which makes me wonder if you wouldn't have had emotional problems anyway. ---I noticed this before I made this post, thats why I asked. Cause I saw so many issues."

No, I can speak for myself on this suggestion of having emotional problems anyway. Relinquishing my son was the lowest of low points of my life. Even at that low point, I was encouraged by all the things people say to make relinquishment feel better, like think of the life I would be giving my son, and it's the loving choice, and what a selfless good mother thing to choose. Except the trouble is, it's still at the same exact time, the worst thing I could do, the most selfish thing for me to do, and not a loving choice at all. Do you see that? That it's both at the same time? Well it is.

Now live with that plurality, and the knowledge that instead of rising up to the challenge of raising your child that you gave up instead. I mean really live with that for a while. And listen to all the nasty things said about people who relinquish their children about how scummy we were to just willingly give our children away. And realize that after how many years there is no guarantee that our children will come back to find us, no guarantee that they will think lovingly towards are loving choice, no guarantee that you will ever be understood for the crazy mess relinquishment is.

I can tell you this. Every woman it seems that relinquishes their baby into the domestic infant adoptions thinks that they will be the one that comes through it happy and okay. It's a rare rare woman who does.

Sly

Tammy,

Do you understand the word specious? This is a specious question and it is absurd to ask this here. Of course mothers have serious problems from surrender. How could a woman NOT have problems from a loss like that, chosen or not.

You are seeing on this forum, one facet of a woman, a mother of loss or otherwise. Only one side of the many that make up a total woman. The side you see here, and the side that this forum addresses is the serious and painful loss to adoption. Most of us have lives beyond the computer.

I have 5 other children (3 born to and 2 step) and 9 grandchildren. I have been the PTA President, Homeowners Assn President, Cookie Mom, School Secretary, Administrative Asst to the Dean, owned my own company, been a sales manager for years, wife, and loyal friend. I have people who love me, both that are born to me and who love me because they choose to.

I believe that all the people here are no doubt successful in their own areas of life. That shows the resilience of the human spirit, that women can go on after facing the most horrific loss that a woman can endure, suffer it in silence for decades and form a life beyond it. That doesn't mean it heals, that doesn't mean there are no ramifications, that means that a woman copes to the best of her ability.

Your question, as well as your supposition, is insulting, to say the least. I dare say that I would be willing to compare experiences and see how you bear up.

Sandy Young
Senior Mother
SMAAC

ETA: I think I see the problem here, you think we are Birthmoms, and that is why you can ask such a ridiculous question. I am not a birthmom. I am the Natural Mother of all of my children. Or, you can do as they do and just refer to me as Mom...they ALL do.

One other thing, tell all your Birth Martyr Friends to get back to me in 18 years when their children are grown and pissed off and you see that your oh-so-willing sacrifice ended up being for nothing, and THEN tell me what a good thing it is!

ETA: If all you see is anger and grief, then that should probably tell you that mothers feel a lot of it . Yes, you can probably coerce some vulnerable young mother from her baby, since her hormones will be raging and she will be frightened and weak. But, your question of whether or not she will have lifelong consequences from the loss can be answered in one simple word...NO. The pain, the loss, the grief is lifelong. As another poster said, the worst pain that a woman can endure, the loss of a child. No amount of sugar coating will change that.

Tammy, I apologize. I misunderstood what you meant. I was wrong to assume and I am very sorry for that. I stand by what I said, however. With help and support, for a very short time, you can do this. You can raise your baby, and there are people and resources that will help you. Please think very carefully before making a decision that will sever forever the sacred bond between a mother and child. Your child is not only in you, he is a part of you, joined with you in every sense of the word, physically, spiritually and emotionally. The lines from the marriage vows, "What God has joined, let no man put asunder" is even more true in motherhood than in marriage.

Camira B

Nope, sorry. I have tons of emotional problems. Then again, I didn't "place my child". My child was ripped away from me through deception and coercion.

grapesgum

Everyone I know who placed (family and friends) has serious emotional problems. 2 are alcoholics. One of my alcoholic friends is 25 years old. She was promised an open adoption and the family disappeared a week after she relinquished.

Lillie

If you chopped off your left leg, could you go on and not regret it later? Could you go on and not hate the fact that you gave up your entire leg?

The way I see it is, either way, you're going to suffer some emotional and psychological trauma. Leg or baby, that's a HUGE part of you to give up and just be able to "get on" with life afterwards.

Lori A

ABSOLUTELY NOT

all I could say was I'm sorry over and over and over.

When she met her dad, guess what he's still saying??????
I'm sorry over and over and over.

If you find someone who has no regrets it will be rare, but first ask how long it has been since their surrender? If it's only been a short time take what they say with a grain of salt.

Freckle Face

Sadly, i fear most women don't fully understand the emotional trauma that happens after you lose a child, until after they have lost their child.

sunny

I'd bet the women 'glad' to have given their children up are fewer than 1%.

Women give up babies because they are in a desperate place. Sort of like a foreclosure. Why don't you ask people who have lost their homes if they're happy about it.

Good luck finding a HAPPY natural mother. Will that alleviate your guilt over raising another women's child?

Even if you get that lucky, the kid isn't likely to be happy that he wasn't raised by his mother.

Get a golden retriever, they're easier.

Andraya

I don't have emotional problems, *twitch twitch shudder shudder*

Sorry what was that you were asking? The voices are telling me not to listen... SHHHHH! I can't hear them with you blabbing.

Penny A (Vanessa)

In some ways I'm glad because he ended up with a good life that I could never have given him as a 16 year old angry brat. It has overall been a very positive experience. However, I'm fully aware of the negative aspects too. It is hurting less and less over time, but I have to live with the consequences of something that happened 21 years ago. I can't change it now, so I just accept it.

ghetto_princess283

I know a girl who gave her baby up without thinking twice about it. She is the kind of girl who doesn't care about anyone besides herself. I'm sure she was glad to get her baby out of her so she could go back to her drugs (She was obviously on meth). I doubt you are that kind of person, and chances are if you put a child up for adoption you will feel some kind of emotional trauma. I mean babies are supposed to be with their mom right after birth, they love her smell and her voice. It's not ideal for a baby to go with a stranger right after being born. If you are thinking about placing your child up for adoption; I would think long and hard about it. Often times adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you need help raising your child go to department of Social Services and ask what resources are available to you. Often times they will give you food stamps (250-300), assistance with rent and other utilities, free child care, free milk/breast pump, and free health care. Don't forget about these services, that's what they are there for. I hope my tax money helps tons of moms be able to keep their children... I hope this helps, God bless, and you and your unborn baby are in my prayers.

Tia D

I think that if a child is put up for adoption for the right reasons and not because they are pushed into it or because they think they have no other reason then although they will have a hard time coping with giving their child up they may well be able to live with their choice reasonably happy

Ben's Mango ^.^

Some kids are put up for adoption because their parents are dead... Try adopting one of those kids. That's what my family's doing.

trying2behelpful

No one is answering so I am going to answer. I am not a birth mom, but my best friend is. She had a really good agency and case worker who worked with her for 7 1/2 months before the baby was born and months after. She placed her baby for adoption because she wanted them to be raised by a mom and a dad. She would have been a great mom, but she couldn't provide the "dad" part of the equation so she placed her baby. She was able to choose the couple that she placed her baby with. She got to know the adoptive couple really well because she chose them so early on in her pregnancy. They have an open adoption and they let her see her child whenever she wants.

I was with her throughout the whole journey. She loves her child so much. She cried many, many tears and still has hard days. However, she has such a positive view on adoption. She truly believes that she did the right thing by placing her baby for adoption.

I think the key is to get the counselling and the support that you need both during your pregnancy and after. Also, open adoptions make it so that you can see your child with the adoptive couple and it gives you the reassurance that you made the right decision.

Good luck!

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