Has anyone ever given up a child for adoption?

Felicita1

If you don't want to give up your child, then don't. You have every right to every resource you need to keep your baby and raise them.

How did it feel? At first, you cry your eyes out in unbelievable pain. Then you're in shock and numbness and this can last for months or years, other than when the feelings come back and overwhelm you with unresolved grief as just as bad as the day you were separated. There is NO closure and thus the "stages of grief" don't apply and the grief just goes on and on and it can last years and decades. Not only that, but it is WORSE than losing a baby to death especially if it is an open adoption (Blanton & Deschner, 1990).

But it may take several years for the mother to "wake up" out of "the fog" of dissociation and the pain to hit. That is why moms who have just surrendered (usually w/in 5 yrs) often say they are "happy" with their "decision" because the full pain hasn't hit them yet. Denial, dissociation, and repressing memories/emotions -- those are our coping tools.

I don't recommend that anyone surrender a baby to adoption unless they feel they are strong enough to risk lifelong unresolved grief and loss, PTSD, severe depression, and possible secondary infertility.

How do I feel about it now? That it was a traumatic act of violence, just like rape. How did i feel about it *then*? Was told it was "the loving option" and that it was best for me and my son and tried to believe that.

Most of us do NOT "decide" it is the best option. We found ourselves backed into a corner where it is the "ONLY" option (due to lack of resources, coercion, emotional blackmail from family, etc.) we had.

brandie_ecstacy

Yes I have. I dont know what type of situation you are in, but I will tell you my experience. I was 15 years old when I got pregnant, my boyfriend was there for me for awhile. At 7 months, my boyfriend left me...I had my mom, but I knew I couldnt rely on family or friends to help me raise my child. I made a choice to adopt my child, only so she could have the best life of two loving parents. Looking through files was difficult, because I didnt like what I saw. I found a couple that I liked, decided to pick them, then got to know them over the phone during my pregnancy. We discussed the relationship I would be having with my daughter...its called open adoption. I wanted this so my child knew who I was and the reason for me giving her up.

The night I went into labor, my mom called the couple...so they could fly here to Hawaii for my daughter. The next day they had arrived, but I was not ready for them to see her. During the little hours I spent with my daughter, i began to get attached. I wasnt ready to give her up but I knew it was for the best. Six days after I gave birth, I met up with the couple to hand her over. They were really excited but for me I was hurting. I never thought I would get like that, but the pain of giving up my daughter is so painful. I went home that night...not being able to sleep, spent months thinking about her.

I would not suggest this for anyone unless you thik you can handle it. Since she has lived with the family I have recieved pictures, videos, talked to the parents and my daughter(now she will be turning 4). I am now happy with my decision, only because I see how happy she is....and she knows who I am. Your best option is think about what you want for you and your child....if you choose adoption....make sure its an open adoption.

This is a tough choice but once they are gone and you sign the papers....your baby is in the family's hands. It will break your heart...I should know.
Make the right choice...I hope I could help you

Possum

I didn't - but just wanted to give you links to sites by relinquishing mothers.
I know hundreds of women who were forced into a corner - and relinquished their children - have regretted the loss ever since.
Be very very sure of your rights - and know that there is help out their - to parent - if you need it.
Adoption is a long term solution to an often short term problem
I wish you and your babe all the very very best.

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf
http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?pageId=51995
http://www.singlepregnancy.com/
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/

snowwillow20

When I had her, I was wheeled right away to the surgical ward, so I wouldn't see the other women who were keeping their babies. I felt so alone. My mom would not call my bf until she was born. I felt empty, alone and depressed. I was numb when I left the hospital and tried to believe it had never happened. My bf was shipped off to Viet Nam so I was truly alone, months passed and to everyone around me i was fine. I tried to push my pain down so far to try to forget. I couldn't but I made everyone think I had and I refused to talk about her for years. She stayed a secret for years, my friends didn't know, my dad didn't even know.
Yes, I regret it.
My bf parents decided we should give her up, they wanted us to have an abortion, it was illegal and too late and I don't think I could have done it. We had shamed them. An unweb mother, OMG!
Even though the stigma is not what it was 36 years ago, the feelings are the same, a wise friend pointed that out to me (thanks freckleface),
I went from a fun loving teen to a depressed and an emotional mess. When my bdaughter was almost 30, I decided I could handle the pain of finding her, I was ready for anything. I was lucky as our reunion has turned out pretty good. My son was 23 when he found out he had a sister. He was pretty mad that we hadn't told him. We are all ok now, I've been in counseling and so has she. If I could do it again, I'd keep her, but I was a naive teen and believed what everyone told me. Be strong, stay strong. Do what you have to do. Giving your child up is a pain that never goes away. You don't get over it. It haunts you forever, It's been 36 years for me and I still cry on her birthday except now my tears are from joy at being able to wish her happy birthday in person.

OMG I'm Irish!

You should never do it. Never even think about doing that. My best friend went through that and she hated herself and now she can't have kids anymore. You would have had a better life with a beautiful child. Anyways, just don't do it.

Write me back if you have anything to say because I'm here for you.

Martha J

I have given a child up for adoption, she will be 12 on september 27th. I will say that it was not easy then and it is not easy now. You will be thinking about that child everyday, wondering what he or she is doing, hat they look like, what grade they are in. You have to find it in your heart what the baby needs not you.

Jenny W

OMG, I'm so in your situation. I've known my (now) ex boyfriend for almost 8 years, and we've been together most of the last 2 years, but recently he's been really jealous and controlling, and this week we ended things... again. I'm 11 weeks pregnant and I CANNOT take car of this baby on my own. I already have an 8 year old daughter, and a 4 year old special needs son. Not only can I not take care of my son and a baby alone I just don't want to. My ex doesn't seem to really want the baby. My family thinks I should have an abortion, so do a couple of my friends, saying it's something I'll get over a lot easier, and can actually do, where as with adoption I might (doubt it) change my mind... Plus how do you explain to an 8 year old why you are giving away their sibbling?

Anyhow, I don't know how the heck people make decisions about adoption. I totally wish I were not pregnant. Sorry, I know that doesn't really answer your question, but at least you know your not alone. :)

none

no, but i thank God that my mom was given up for adoption. all you can do is search within yourself and you'll find the right answer for your situation. not knowing what is going on with your life, it appears to me that you are maybe just scared about the future. God will take care of everything.

Tumbler

Just search yourself for the answer. Ask the father if he can help you with the baby. I've never given a child up for adoption. I understand your fear of not knowing your child and i understand your fear of not giving the child a good life. You just have to search YOU for the answer. Hope i helped

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