Has anyone heard of a 1st mom doing this?

Heather B

Wow the poor woman must be in so much mental anguish.

As a child I used to tell my peers that my real parents died in a car crash too.

It was like they had died anyway and telling that tale gave things more finality than the reality of the situation. It was a coping thing.

cantstopLinnyG

Umm, yikes. Poor thing. Obviously she needs help to deal with her decision to relinquish. For someone to go to those lengths (and she is NOT the first N Mom to do this) shows she is really struggling.

Can you talk to your child's first dad about this? He may be able to shed some light on this. Im so sorry, it can't be easy on you to hear something so disturbing.

kidmindi

Wow I can't believe she did that. It sounds like she needs some counseling or something.

She must have a lot of unresolved issues with the adoption. I don't think this is at all normal. Or maybe she was looking for attention and/or sympathy. Or it could be that she is tired of talking about her son and the adoption and she figured if everyone thought he was dead then no one would bring it up again.

Still not normal, and I think she needs some mental help

grapesgum

How awful for you, especially knowing how hard you have worked to establish a relationship with her.

Have I heard of this? Yes. My daughter's friend who lost a baby to an open adoption that was closed by the adoptive parents, tells everyone that her baby died. I think it is a way of saving face while coping with grief. It also reminds me of the disfunctional explanations of swelling bellies during the Era of Mass Surrender. All kinds of stories were fabricated to explain the absence of a father and the disappearance of the mother to a baby mill.

I would take this as a sign that she is not coping very well with the birth and adoption of her son. Is there any way that you can try to influence her family to get her counseling? I appreciate the fact that you seem more concerned than angry.

kateiskate

I don't think she's the first mom (or first person for that matter) to tell a lie.

It seems like she has a lot going on and I don't blame her for feeling anguish. It has to be hard in a small town like that where everyone knows your business.

H A E

It sounds like the open adoption in a small town might not be working for her. You should support whatever she needs to move on, imo. Maybe you should talk to her about it?

Icky

Never heard of that but... WOW! Whatever helps her I guess. That's pretty harsh tho. If she said you moved.... that wouldn't be as bad. But a car wreck?? Wow

Penny A (Vanessa)

I wouldn't think that saying something like that fits within the curve of normality. I feel sad for her. I hope she finds a way through this.

snowwillow20

I think the first mom has gone of the deep end and she needs professional help and I hope she gets it. It's a cry for help.

Felicita1

Frankly, she sounds like she need closure to try to resolve her grief. The problem with adoption is that there is no closure, and hence no resolution. It is like having someone close to you, a parent or child, die, and you are no longer in shock and the pain is overwhelming. Now, unlike a death where you start feeling better and the pain is less, think about how it feels if that pain just goes on forever, or gets worse over years or even decades. A pain as severe as having a baby die in your arms.

Trying to convince herself that her son is dead may likely be the only way she feels she can cope. Dissociation, denial, and repressing memories are frankly the ONLY tools we have. Counseling is not only pitiful in how bad it usually is, as most counselors don't have a single clue about how to treat the grief, but it can also be frankly unethical and damaging if the mother was coerced and traumatized and the counselor treats the situation like it was "her decision". Do rape victims get counseled that it is "their decision?" No. So why should a coerced and traumatized mother who is also experiencing PTSD be blamed and treated like she brought her pain on herself?

I am wondering if you gave her a chance to recover from the birth first before getting involved with her about the adoption. OR did a relationship with you affect her decision? Did she feel after meeting you that she had no choice but to surrender her baby, or else she'd be disappointing or hurting you? This is coercion and is done intentionally by many agencies and adoptive parents who hunt out pregnant women. What cause the separation of this mother from her baby?

It sounds to me like she is truly damaged by the loss of her son. Was she ever warned about PTSD, severe grief and loss, major depression, and difficulties in bonding with or raising subsequent children? All these are common consequences of being forced to surrender a baby to adoption (e.g., feeling you have NO other option)

Crucio

That is pretty f up. I would not call it normal to make up some lie that someone has died that is not something to joke about. If she feels she can no longer handle an open adoption or needs some time to deal with her feelings on placing that is one thing.

Marissa C

wow thats not nrmal and its wrong. if anyone ask u just say she is lying and tell her that. if she wants to move on then she can w.o making up her life.

Independ"ant"

"Is it normal for a first mom to lie"

Is it normal to relinquish your child? NO. Nothing about adoption is normal.

Sounds like she wasn't as happy and willing to relinquish as you have described in the past.

This is another reason why pre birth matching and hunting down pregnant women in need of assistance isn't a good idea. Sounds like she has a resentment toward you. Ask her does she feel like you worked her over when she was pregnant and took advantage of her situation.

Aria

As angry as you may be right now, please understand that she is trying to deal with grief. She apparently knows she can't care for a child, and do adopted him out, but this doesn't mean she doesn't love him and even miss him, and it may hurt her to see him call someone else Mommy.

Talk to her about how she feels, and try not to make her feel defensive. Acknowledge that it's been hard for her, and that you're very grateful for her giving you your son. If she's having an exceptionally hard time, gently ask her if talking to a therapist might help ("You need therapy" will make her defensive, "Do you think a therapist could help?" probably won't).

She loves the child enough to not abort and give him a chance at life instead. She's not a bad person, just grieving.

purple_sakura_fairy

THIS right here is why i'm for CLOSED adoption! This 'woman' is messed up.

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