Have any first moms in open and closed adoptions ever fantasized about...?

myst1998

Totally! I even had people falling over themselves offering to kidnap her back for me in complete disgust at what had happened to us. One was a very serious offer and I almost accepted but then realised although morally it was actually right, legally we would be fugitives and I would lose more than I would gain and so would she so I stuck to campaigning for law changes and policy changes and trying to educate more people on the evils of adoption.

Flying Monkey #073177

Good god no! How harmful would that be for my son. I do fantasize about him calling or showing up on my doorstep though. But never about me running off with him.

magic pointe shoes

Okay, why are the first few answers not from mothers who relinquished? =oP Oh wait, never mind, there was a question directed at APs

The majority of my thoughts of running away with my son were before I gave birth. Afterwards all of those thoughts have gone away. The daydreams pretty much are limited to if and when contact is ever made.

Sofiakat

Yes, we have feared that mom might take the kids and run. We were actually told by the social worker during the kids visit with mom that mom and son were never to be left unattended. They did not seem concerned at all that she might take her daughter, just her son.
When they became CWNA and we adopted them, I was a little paranoid. Mom lives in the same city. I often wonder if she has searched them out. There was also a great risk of violence if dad ever found them. We live with that everyday, every night. When my daughter got car sick for the first time we stopped at a Tim Hortons to clean her up on am eight hour drive to visit my in laws. I almost freaked out when I realized that we had stopped in the same town where dad would have went back to when he got out of prison. And they had already informed me that he was out. I was terrified. I figured he probably would not recognize his daughter, but his son he would for sure.
Sometimes when I am walking with the kids in the mall, I look for her in the crowd. Strangely, if there was no threat to the kids, I would want to see her again. There are many things I would want to say to her. And I would want her to see the kids. I wish our adoption could have been open :(

Robin W

I was not allowed to even know where they were. That was back in the BSE, but YES, I dreamed about having them back in my arms every day until we reunited. I would never have disrupted their lives because I loved them and still do. But the adoptions should have never happened, I didn't want it then and I am disgusted that it ever happened. They would have been much better off being raised within their own family of origin.

I was forced and coerced. The mothers of today are scammed by the industry holding out that "open adoption carrot" in front of their noses so they sign, thinking that they are going to have a bigger role in their child's life that most adopters will allow. In most states, the ones who adopt can slam that "open" adoption closed faster that it takes for their acquired child to show his/her attachment to the mother. The mother has no legal recourse in these states. In other states, savvy adoption shysters..er, I mean, attorneys can keep a case running around in the system until the mother eventually gives out of money and hope.

I do know that my daughter's female adopter was paranoid about this, even though it was a closed, secret adoption. She was that way up to her death. Now she is in the ground and I am called "Mom." To pretend that there is not a mother and a pre-existing bond is not facing the realities of raising an adopted child. To fear being replaced by the mother you replaced is even more telling....that adoption is not about the needs of the child but the needs of the adopters.

BOTZ

Okay, so, I know the one group you didn't address your question to is us, the adoptees. I hope you don't mind me answering anyway.

My mom (if I may be so bold as to speak for her) would answer almost to the letter the way Magic Pointe Shoes did. She fantasized about running away with me ONLY before I was born. She even wanted to, and made a PLAN to, on the day I was born. Unfortunately, she was under 'partial' sedation -- the drug they call "twilight sleep" -- and announced her plan to the entire room -- doctors, nurses, and her own mother -- even though she believed she was only 'thinking' it.

After I was gone, she only fantasized about ME finding HER.

*I*, on the other hand, fantasized almost daily as a child about my REAL Mom coming and SAVING me from the hell-hole in which I lived -- and yes, by that I mean my adoptive home (complete with abusive, self-absorbed a-parents).

I wanted nothing more than for the correct order of my life to be restored -- even if that meant being 'kidnapped' by my NATURAL family. It would have been strange, yes, but I would have been OVERJOYED! There's not much to fear "out there" when your own life is as miserable as you can imagine. Have others had it worse than I did? Yes, certainly. But my 4-, 5-, 7-, 10-year-old self couldn't imagine it.

I have to say I completely agree with Robin W. It IS very telling when one fears being replaced by the one SHE replaced. My a-parents were exactly that paranoid. They had nothing to fear, though. The social worker(s) in my (my Mom's) case had done their job -- my Mom wouldn't have found/taken me even if she'd known where I was. She didn't, though; it was a "death by adoption", BSE, closed, sealed, nailed-shut, done-deal, type thing.

Come to think of it, though, I think my Dad might have -- I wish he had.

gypsywinter

""She didn't, though; it was a "death by adoption", BSE, closed, sealed, nailed-shut, done-deal, type thing.""

As it was for me..I surrendered in 1964. I had no earthly idea where my child was for 34 years. But I knew without a doubt the night I came home from the hospital, baby-less...I would never know where or who my baby went to or if she was even alive. So I never 'fantasized' about reclaiming or 'kidnapping' my child. But I would be told in reunion that her amother would tell her (when I don't know)...that amother was always fearful that I would come and 'kidnap her' before she was the age of 5. This amom was full of ****..she knew damn well I had no earthly idea where my baby was...these are not 'stories' of kidnapping that one tells a child, any child, never!! Amommy's huge insecurites/paranoia were definitely in place and based in her own fears, passed on to an innocent child, whether that child be young or an adult.

Randy B

I'm not concerned with the birth mother of our daughter right now, she fled the Province before the adoption was done. As for the birth father, he seems to be a nice guy although he is currently in jail. By the time he gets out I'll be moved from this city so it's not a factor for him either. I wouldn't mind him though but there was a prohibition on the mother being around the baby.

I do know that both of them have plenty of family in the city and while the city is big enough (750,000 or more depending upon which stats you use) we do often wonder if we will run into any of them. It wouldn't bother us at all since they wouldn't know us

So, as a way of addressing your question, as adoptive parents we don't worry about it given our situations but it is something we would worry about if we knew the birth mother was back in the area.

naughty girl

FlutterMeBy

I'm not an adoptive parent/birth mom but I am a birth sibling.

I can safely say that my mom never had any fantasies bout running off with the baby girl she gave up for adoption, due to a moments weakness. God, i wished she didn't!

She did what she thought was best at the time, never knowing that in a little time afterwards, after it was all done and said, that things were better.

She don't even know where the girl is.

She hadn't tried to locate her or anything, although I do know she thinks about her everyday.

My sister is 3 years older then me and is now 21 or 22 although her birth day is jan.12.

I didn't even know that I had an older sister, only 3 years older then me, until I was 16! As soon as I found out, I, not my mom, started looking for her. Somehow I came across the adopted parents number and in a moment of stupidity, I called.

They basically told me that she was theirs and not to call again. I don't even think they have told her shes adopted, which I just think is plain shitty in my opinion.

So basically I gave up the search, I do know her name, and I guess I've to be content with that.

My mom moved from the state she gave birth to the adopted child, when I was 2 and havne't been back to the state of Texas since lol.

Now since I'm starting my own family and ran into a few complications, I have renewed the search, soley for the purpose of telling the FAMILY HISTORY since what I ran into is due to the heredity.

My mom might wish that she would come looking for us...although I seriously doubt it.

Independ"ant"

Some do...some don't....some have.

Bottom-line would you blame them now that you have gotten a little taste at motherhood.

Now just imagine you going through pregnancy and labor and having a bond that cannot be destroyed or forgotten by separation.
Its not the same as looking at picture, taking care of another womans child and losing custody. The wound goes much deeper.

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

As an adoptee I really can't answer this. But as a bmom, I can. I would never have 'gone after' my son. I gave him up voluntarily and tho I missed him, he was/is no longer 'mine'. He has a new mom, new dad etc.

I do recall at 5 yrs old being terrified that some stranger was going to show up and take me from my parents. I had nightmares for months.

Serenity71

Kazi,

In our case I haven't thought about it really at all...of her wanting to run away with our kids that is. She was so firm in chosing adoption for them right from the time each baby was born. (Six months of counselling before placement.) She was offered temp or permenant foster care for them.

The only thing would twig that kind of thought in me would be if she openly indicated she changed her mind and wanted them back. So far she hasn't given us any reasons to question the openess of the adoption. She had plently of time to think about her options which were laid out before her for months and months AFTER she was born, before any choice was made about either of the kids futures, I doubt that will happen.

I do know some foster parents in that kind of situation where they have been threatened by birth parents. Some have even been death threats. Thats why DOCS doesn't allow home visits to protect the foster family, (as far as I know, I'm not a foster mum.)

If I was in your situation I would be worried at times that it could happen.

In my case....She doesn't know where we live and it will stay that way for a while yet. We need to have some boundaries between us.

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