Have you felt suicidal after surrendering your child?

Aislin

Yes. I attempted suicide twice. I also was passively suicidal for a long time. Basically, I wasn't trying to hurt myself but I wasn't willing to prevent myself from being hurt. Like you I did not surrender willingly. The depression can become so intense at times I am sure it alone will kill me. One of the hardest things is I feel I have to hide it. I still have minimal contact with my child so I can't be honest with my feelings often. The APs have no idea and would probably say I am happy with "my decision"

I have found a great group of moms online that I talk to daily. For me talking to people that really understand is the only thing that helps. The therapists and doctors I have been to have been so ignorant of adoption loss issues that it was actually harmful. I'm sure there are some good therapists out there but I haven't found one yet

Be kind to yourself right now. Keep reaching out. If you want the link to my group just let me know. I have read your story and some posts on other forums. You are a kind compassionate person and the world needs you in it. If you just want to talk email me through my profile

dontknow86

Yes, I still do. I feel I have no reason to live. I can't have more children. My only child was taken from me. I feel, like life is hopeless.

Sunny

(((PIP)))

My nmother tried to commit suicide a couple months after I was born. Her parents put her in a private psychiatric facility.

She has never really, in any significant way, recovered from losing a child.

I am sorry you're in pain right now Pip. Please take care of yourself.

Cleopatra

Yup - difficult to talk about - lowest points of my life - and embarrassing. With you on this one -

I will tell you that what has worked for me has not been pills, psychology, counsel, etc etc - but acceptance/balance - I'm a Taoist now. I also make a point to exercise everyday, eat healthy.

Sometimes being around animals helps - animals have amazing results for treating depression (look under, "animal therapy studies") !!

Pip - you're just as {{{{necessarily needed and worthy}}}} as any of us here - I hope my words offer you hope in the means I have found to relax my spirit - and truly, I want you to know that I totally understand and validate your pain. xx

kidmindi

As you know, I am an adoptee and an adoptive mother, so I have no idea what it is like to surrender a child or the lifetime of pain that must go with it.

However, I have been suicidal in the past. As a teenager, I felt hopeless and unwanted because I felt like if my first mom didn't want me then there must be something wrong with me. (of course later I found out she DID want me)

More recently, as an adult, about 6 years ago, I went thru a major depression. I felt like my life was falling apart and thought very seriously of suicide. In fact, I went so far as to buy the sleeping pills and alcohol I was going to use to do the deed.

I reached out to my first mom and thankfully she told me to come stay with her for awhile. I went about 1500 miles to stay with her and spent 3 months with her.

After I returned home, I got couseling and for a time had to take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. The counseling and meds helped and eventually I was back to my self again.

Also, I once lost my best friend to suicide. It was over 20 years ago, but I still feel pain and guilt over his loss. Think about the people in your life who love you and what it would do to them if you did commit suicide....

If these feelings are more than you can deal with on your own PLEASE seek help. Find a counselor, and/or clergy to help you thru it.

If you need someone to talk to, you can email me privately.

*HUGS*

smarmy

ABSOLUTELY and I surrendered willingly. It was a HUGE "what have I done" thing that lasted a very long time. Even in the times I wasn't suicidal I felt no self worth.

I'm not going to even read the other answers, because I'm done listening to people who haven't done it tell me how I'm suposed to feel about it. All I can say is try it and then get back to me about how i'm supposed to feel.

The only thing I can say to you Pip is that had I managed to do myself in one of the few times I tried.... my daughter would have found a grave, she would have heard about what a weak, mentally unstable person I was, and she never would have found her father. That in itself would have cost her and her kids half their ancestry.

Hang in there lady, there are no guarantee's it will pay off, I'm not going to tell you, one day you will feel better, but what if someone DOES come looking. What do you want them to find?

ROBIN

Yes, Pip. I did. But I realized that I was young and that, where there is life, there is hope. I did get counseling, but there were and are few counselors who really get the surrendering mother experience. Have you joined a first mothers' online support group? No one really supports and understands like another mother who has lost to adoption. I also am prone to clinical depression and there is medication for that. I was prescribed this by a doctor that is not free with the happy pills. There are a lot of physical changes in your body that last for a lifetime after childbirth. The clinical depression is something I think came from that. See a doctor and find an online group for mothers who surrendered under duress. Steer away from the Happy Beemommies groups.

I am appalled that adopters and adoptees would try to answer this question. When you have walked in our shoes, then you can make judgments.

LinnyG

(((Pip))) My n Mom suffered post traumatic stress issues after surrendering me. It is VERY common. I know of several first Moms who were suicidal.

Please hang on, hun.....talk to some of our first Moms here, by pm-ing them, Im sure they have some resources for you. No one can understand what you are going through unless they have been through it. Im sorry you are hurting.

SLY

Pip,

Yes, I have fought depression for decades, sometimes successfully, and sometimes from the fetal position. One thing I have learned after the one that overwhelmed and enveloped me is that it will pass. I have considered it, and even wished it, but haven't been able to summon the "stuff" to do it. That is good, because it is usually better soon.

It is a constant, dull ache most of the time, but sometimes it all is just too much. As has been said, we don't get past it, we cope, some days better than others.

minimouse68

((((hugs)))) Pip, Im an adoptee not a first mum but I wanted to add my love and support. Stick with it sweetie, I, for one would miss you around here!
@Cheeky: What a rude, disrespectful person you are!!

â™¥â™¥Mum To Superkids is engagedâ™¥â™¥

Forgive me for answering as an AP, I don't pretend to understand the pain involved in losing a child. My Aunt has a long time friend who was forced to 'surrender' her child at the age of 16. Pretty typical story, especially for those times. No family support, no financial support available to a single mother, kicked out of home by her parents, etc.
She is now in her late 50's and has had a lifelong battle with depression, suicide attempts, self harm, and self medication through alcohol. She was told in her support group, which she only accessed later in life that these are common effects for first mums.

I hope you get the support and care you need to help you through the hard times. I can't imagine the measure of pain you must live with each day. (((Hug)))

Matt

Interesting Question Pip...... Let me say I completely understand where you are coming from.... I may not of surrendered a child , Im the flip side of that coin, I was separated from my bio Mom at birth and was forced to live my life with out her! I am truly a lost soul. There has been many times I thought I have had enough of all this pain and was ready to leave( I think you understand what I am saying). But for what ever reason I am still here.
I have felt this way for so long that it seems normal to me. I guess one of the reasons I want to stick around is hopefully one day I will find my bio mom, I have spent the last 12 yrs trying to find her. I just want to be able to see her, And let her know that I have been thinking about her this entire time, Ever since I was 5 yrs old. I want to know what my real name was( If I had one) , I would like to know who I look like, Who I take after...etc...
There are so many things I need to know.
I have come to realize that not everyone will have a happy, successful life, That some of us are just stuck with having an existence...
I really wish I had some positive words of encouragement for you , But I don't, All I can say is that I know how you feel and you are not alone. Take it one day at a time, And don't worry about tomorrow until it comes.... Take Care....

Love Few, Hate Many, Trust No One...

Cup of sherry

I am an adoptee and I have never had to give up a child. But I would say you need to get counseling and whatever it takes to be around for the reunion that you will some day have with this child. Good luck to you

Raven

This may sound a little cold but please do not think I'm out to harm you...

I, as you've mentioned, have NO idea about the pain your feeling or the effects of having my child stolen from me after such an ordeal as pregnancy/bonding/labor and to be perfectly honest I'm very glad I haven't had to learn.

I do however have to give you thanks. From your posts about your experience I gained a deep respect for a great many things, none more so than biological parents. I have learned a greater respect that the bond between an infant and its natural/bio/first mother and will do all I can to keep the children I adopt (FC in the US) with their bio/first/natural families if it is safe and an option.

You helped me see so much about a side of adoption I admit to never having considered just from sharing your life experiences and for that I thank you. You are a very strong woman and I hope within yourself you manage to find a way to battle this bout of depression and all that come after it.

I doubt loosing a child can ever be gotten over so I simply wish you the strength to continue fighting and winning you battle with the problems your facing. It is women like you who will one day change the face of adoption for the better, do hang on.

Ferbs

Oh my dear Pip. You've always been so supportive and kind. Please be kind to yourself.

I will never know the agony of surrendering a child. What I have seen in the eyes of the first mothers in our lives goes beyond words. I especially saw this raw emotion from our youngest son. And she did so willingly so I cannot imagine the pain you have felt and feel now. And though I appreciate your acceptance of answers from all of us, I do believe your best source of support will be other first/original parents.

My honest answer is that I've observed this pain from my perspective and I am aware of the long term impact but I can never full appreciate that experience. You've always helped me with my questions and my attempts to learn. I am very grateful for this.

I pray you will accept help and know that you are of value to many of us and others in your life.

I wish you the very best.

ETA: Cheeky...no one needs your uneducated, dismissive BS. Least of all Pip.

andy l

Well Pip,I was a adopted child from the age of 2 weeks old im now 58,I had wonderful parents and a good life with them god bless them both as they have now been passed away for some years..as a adopted child i feel no anger to my natural parents as they must have had good reason for doing what they did..im now looking to find my real parents with some luck so far..anyway i always look to the future as ive had a great 58 years so far ,and life is for living so your doing all the right things and believe me things will improve....good luck...ANDY

CHEEKY

Focus on getting them back instead of wallowing in self-pity. Control your feelings - it can be done even though sadness it bound to crop up

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