Having a second child years after relinquishing?

DevonChaos

I would feel jealous. I was adopted as an infant, and I am not in reunion yet. It would depend on how long after she had me that she had another child and kept them. If it was immediately after she had me, I would feel a bit jealous. Just being honest. I can't blame her for moving on and starting a family, but I do wish she had room for me instead of giving me up. I would have questions, but I too have felt the pull towards having a family. Somewhere out there I might have sisters or brothers. Somewhere out there, there is a woman who has 5 really awesome grandchildren who she may not even know exist. I would just be open and honest when you are in reunion. Tell them why you did what you did. Foster a good relationship between your children. Make sure they understand that you did give up another child. Don't keep secrets.

Philippa

I didn't have more children and my son was upset to find that out - for me as much as him as he would have liked to have siblings. Well he does have a half brother by his father but my son has been rejected by his father so no contact with brother. It has been painful overall as his aparents have a son of their own so he knows it's hard for me as I'm the one who didn't raise any children.

snowwillow20

I had my daughter in Jan 1972 (I gave her up) and my son in Nov 1977, so almost 6 years difference.
The first year of my sons birth was extremely hard. Everytime I looked at him I thought of her, did she look like him, act like him, cry like him. It was hard and I barely made it. But then I had to face the facts that he was not her, he was his own little wonderful person and he still is, only 6'4" 260 lbs.
A few years after I reunited with my daughter, she asked, why did I keep him and not her. It was difficult to say that I was married for a few years, had a house and was in a better place. She told me she would never have given up her child and I have had to live with that.
If I hadn't had my son I would have gone insane.
He didn't replace her, she was and has been always in my heart.

Lori A

I waited 19 years. Although they love each other the age difference between my kids is huge. I still have two in high school at age 53.

No it wasn't a daily reminder after all those years, but I did have to wait for that feeling to go away, and it took a long time. I felt as though it would be a betrayal to her for a long time.

Rowan

my bio mother had a second child 4 years after i was born. AND my bio father had two children from a previous relationship(although the mom of the two eldest ran off, leaving the boy and taking the girl).

How do you think i feel? On the one hand, i feel like maybe there was something wrong with me that my mom didnt want me and my twin brother. I felt like my birth didnt mean anything at all.

But i know that thats not really true. But i cant help the way i felt when i first found out.

sunny

Adoptee here. I would feel jealous--it may not be rational, but there it is.

kateiskate

I'd be upset, hurt, and feel abandoned again. As if I wasn't good enough to keep, but my brother or sister was.

Cambria

Both of my bio-parents have kids now. My bio-dad has a daughter (10 yrs younger than me). And he just told me that last he had heard, my bio-mom has 3 kids. Oddly, hearing about my bio-mom's kids bothered me more than hearing about his. I don't really know why. But I have always had more issues with her than with him which is why I chose to meet him first.

cantstopLinnyG

My first Mom had my brother when I was 14 months old. It was a bit shocking to find out, but not nearly as much as it shocked him.
It bothered me to some degree, like, "Umm, ok, you gave me up, yet married my father before my adoption was even final and had another baby 14 months later...wtf!" BUT- there's nothing I can do about it. I am very happy to have siblings, though. We are so much alike, its scary, even though we were seperated by 2000 miles and 42 years.

I actually think it affects him more. He only found out about me about 6 months ago. He said had he known about me his whole life, he would not have been so hurt, or confused. He said he now looks at his childhood differently...every picture differently, every experience differently.

He said he now looks at his baby pictures and wonders if our Mother was thinking of me when she was holding him. He said he doesn't think he would have done that had he known the truth about me his whole life. Its all so messed up.

Once my siblings knew about me, they said that our Mother's behavior/parenting style made sense.

I think it is important for first Moms to be open about this. Most adoptees search...so the secret will most likely come out.

***ETA***** I think I would have been less upset had there been more time between me and my brother.

As a few other adoptees have said, it's a jealousy thing. Looking at their pictures, thinking, "I should be there..."

Unfortunately, my first Mom was not truthful with me (I found her when I was 21) and told me my brother was several YEARS younger than me, so when I found out it really threw me for a loop. I think she knew it would hurt me. Im NOT making excuses for her, though.

I will be honest, I was surprised at my reaction when I met my siblings and heard stories about how they grew up, and saw pictures of my family. I was jealous. My adoption was proof that adoption does not guarantee a better life, just a different life. I was not abused or anything, and I had plenty of love, but I was nothing like my a family, and exactly like my n family.

So, yes, it did sting, but I think it would have stung less had there been a few years under her belt.

Luckily my N brothers share the same warped sense of humor with me, and said they recognized my handwriting....that I had carved my initials on the inside of her uterus! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

No matter how many months or years pass between your children, I think the child who is not there with you should not be kept a secret from the others.

***ETA for Mei-Ling*** I was the same. J was born when I was 14 months old. She married my father before my adoption was finalized. She was pregnant again with my brother. I wasn't placed w my a parents until I was 5 1/2 months old, due to 2 different states being involved with my adoption. She had stayed at a maternity home in one state until she was 8 months preggers, then was shipped to another & had me there. The original state claimed me, as they had facilitated the original agreement, but the state in which I was born stepped in and said the state where the child is born trumps all, lol. So I was born, sent to a Catholic Scarities orphanage, then placed with a foster home in the first state, then to another foster home in the state in which I was born until they could duke it out in court. YIKES!! No wonder I looked confused in all my baby pics.

medusa

I'm pretty jealous of the fact that my bio fther probably has a family , but in his case my bio mom was an affair he was having, i always feel jealous, but i can see the reasoning.

Justice

Savannah,
You're starting from a much more conscious place than I did when my second child was born 20+ years ago. There was an 11 year gap between the daughter I gave to adoption and my son and a lot of unresolved guilt/grief that I pushed into the background as just a vague sense of unworthiness. Being able to hold and care for my son was actually quite healing for me, although I did deal with a lot of self doubt about whether I was good enough for him.

The way you are looking ahead may be very helpful for you and your children. Be as open and honest and present with them as you can. Look forward to reunion!

Laurel J

My mother married and had two children after relinquishing me. While this does hurt my feelings and make me jealous, I realize it's because I was born out of wedlock and they weren't. That's how things were done back then.

rachael

as Lori A said, she waited 19 YEARS to have another. my youngest bro is 20 years younger.

i have never felt betrayed by her because she gave me up. she was a completely different person back then. she was a kid when she had me-and in her 30s when she had my bros. (actually-MY daughter is older than my brothers)

now if we were close in age or i found out she had a child BEFORE me that she kept...i think i may have felt pretty bad about myself. i totally understand why people feel that way. seems like it would be a major blow to your self worth.

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