He wants me to consider Adoption?

jm1970

By reading your questions I can tell you for sure you should not give your baby up for adoption. It is clear you want to keep it and you tried for months for this baby...I tried for years for my second baby and while I don't love her anymore than my first, (she's a much bigger brat in fact!)...I cherished the pregnancy a little differently......it didn't just happen, we worked for that baby.

First off, tell him, you're not giving the baby up....final...you're not having an abortion...final SHUT UP thank you!

Secondly, he is NOT doing you any favors by providing you with financial support....he is legally obligated to and if he doesn't you can have his butt thrown in jail.

No! Adoption is NOT the best alternative to single parenting. You can read my other posts and see that I am an adoption social worker and very supportive of women who choose adoption. I think in many cases it is the best option for everyone....but not simply because you are a single parent.

You want to parent, you're just scared and sad about your relationship. My dad was raised basically by a single parent...in the day and age where divorce was the same as being unwed....my grandmother was a selfish, immature woman....but she still managed to raise a kind, giving, loving husband and father who raised 6 kids, has been married for 60 years, and built a 3 million dollar company with a 8th grade education......

Now, if SHE could do it....with her selfishness and pettiness.....you can do it too!

Marital status should not be the deciding factor in whether or not you keep your child. Trust me sweetie, if you have to be convinced to consider it...adoption is not for you!

Adopted Jane

First of all I Am sorry that you have broken up with your Fiance :( actually no I'm not - not after reading what he has been telling YOU to do with YOUR baby inside YOUR belly - Tell Him to Go and Get Lost.
YOU Want this child, YOU are carrying this child, YOU will give birth to this child therefore YOU get to make the decision as to what YOU do with this child.
Keep your baby...
Life will be easier for him is what he means! It certainly wont be easier for YOU. or this Baby
Keep your baby, move along without the ex fiance.
Single Parenting is the best alternative to Adoption !!!!!!!

Jennifer L

If you are ready to be a parent, then be a parent. A single mother is NOT inherently a bad mother! Take inventory of your support system, look into all the resources to help you.

Adoption is the alternative for people who are unwilling or unable to be a parent at this time. It doesn't sound to me like you are there.

If you do choose adoption, do it because it is the best thing for you and the baby, not because it's what your ex-fiance wants.

Good luck!

PhilM

You're not being selfish. If you want to keep your child, you should. Adoption is not the best alternative.

Crucio

You have already answered your question. You donâ€™t want to place your baby for adoption so donâ€™t. Your ex seems unstable you say you all were trying to get pregnant you do and he decide he doesnâ€™t want the kid. You can be a single parent if you must and he can pay child support unless he wants to give up his rights. With his attitude Iâ€™m sure you can one day find a better father figure for your child.

Erin the Evil Monkey

There are plenty of single parents out there. If you want to keep your baby then do it. He'll pay child support or he'll go to jail. Just make sure you get court ordered child support not his promised child support.

captain

You keep the child & give it all the love it deserves - your exfiance will probably be interested when baby is born & then the trouble starts with visiting rights, etc.

Gershom

.I also suffered the pain of knowing that my birth parents WILLINGLY gave me up
I have severe issues with giving up my child.

That is enough for me to tell that you don't want to surrender your child. Your baby needs YOU. Not TWO strangers raising him/her. One biological parent who loves her child and wants her child is a heck of a lot better than two strangers parenting the child.

Its HIM that will miss out.

Single parenting is hard, couple parenting is hard, lets face it, parenting....is HARD. but but but its also beautiful, enriching, rewarding, and in my opinion, as another adoptee, it takes a strong brave women to go against the outside pressure and KEEP her child.

If you need some support http://www.adultadoptees.org you'll find it there.

(single parents adopt too)

Torrejon

Complex issue, but you already knew that didn't you? I think it is very normal to feel ambivalent about any pregnancy in the beginning. I was in a stable marriage, trying to get pregnant when I found out that I was indeed pregnant...and I still thought "jeepers! what have I done?" I think women become mothers the day they discover they're pregnant...but men don't become fathers until the baby is born. There is some lag time that is just biological. (Sorry guys, no offense intended.) So, just because your boyfriend says "abort it" now. Give him just a little time to catch up with you. He might surprise you and end up loving your child dearly.

Adoption, as you know first hand, is a very complex issue. You are wise to seriously investigate all the options. Think about this pregnancy in terms much more important than the rising cost of diapers or who will babysit. This is a life that you and your boyfriend created. You BOTH have a responsibility to this baby. Parenting is not all rainbows and lucky charms. But neither is adoption. Maybe if you can't decided which would be best, decide which would be worst...and then go the other route.

Also, don't forget that neither choice comes with a guarantee.

ladydee44

Keep the baby; you obviously want it or you wouldn't have been trying to conceive. Dumb the a**h*** that wants you to 1) kill his child or 2) give it away. Sue him for child support and do it alone. If I could raise a child alone at 16 anyone can. I am now 33 BTW with a wonderful 16 year old of my own.

chickidee

Hard times ahead for you..

You really need to consider the options best for you and ur unborn child.
Think about the issues you had with ur finacee, theres there possible a future for u guys? if you guys were to get back together in the future would you regret terminating it after trying for so long? I mean you guys were engaged so.. thats a fair commitment.

I dont know ur situation, can u support a child and offer it a stable and health life? if you believe that u could be a good mum well i wouldnt put a child through adoption, cos like u hav exp'd it has long term psychological effects on the person..

Ultimately.. perhaps you should go to a counsellor or someone that you can discuss ur concerns with and explore the options and feelings u may exp with each one..

Best thing to do is: imagine/put ur self in the diff situations/options you have.. and let ur gut feelings and initition tell u whats right.

p r i n c e s s - k r i s s y

NOWAY !
dont adopt it out ,
after your first ultra sound
and when you see your childs
heart beat , you will understand
how beautiful it is and you wont
ever want anything to harm it ,
let alone give it away !
as you said you loved your adoption parents
but it still hurt to know that your real parents
just willingly gave you away !
if you think you can handle a baby on your own
then i would definantly suggest that you keep
him/her ! =]
and maybe even down the track of your pregnancy you and your ex may even get back together . but even if not then if you think you can handle raising a child by yourself then i say do it ! dont let his or anyone elses opinions bother you , do what YOU WANT ! its your child .

anthony's mommy

i am a mother of a one month old, and my mother has four, but at one point she was a single mother, raising 2. if you know how it feels being adopted y would you do it to your own child? adoption is not the answer.it is not hard raising the child on your own, as long as you have family helping you at times. i would keep the baby regardless what he sayd, you could always go after him for child support, and there are welfare things out there to help like wic its great with the formula espically for a single mother. i hope i helped you out , and good luck, if you need me im here.

JusMy2Cents

This is a tough situation and that is a messed up thing for your ex to say...abort it?!?!? No way!

Only you can make the best decision for you, but if it were me there is no way that I would put a baby up for adoption especially when considering you tried for so long and hard to conceive. I would just have to be a single parent.

Best of luck to you!

swayisonline

sweetie, your not being selfish or whatever, your faced with a difficult situation and are expressing your conflicted feelings. that is more that natural and so don't listen to anyone who tells you that your feelings are unreasonable, they are not you and can't know what you are going through.

Only you can answer your question and this is as it should be. It sounds to me like you've already made your decision and as a fellow adoptee I can understand your reluctance to give away your child. I would reccomend councelling, your carrying a heavy burden with an unsupportive partner and your emotions will be effected by your hormones so please seek out someone you trust to lean on.

Addressing your pregnancy, firstly congratulations, it is a blessing and altho it may not be the 'right' time or 'right' situation you seem to have felt you were ready to be a parent and this is what you will be. Only you can decide what is best for your baby now, if it is with another family then so be it but remember there is no reason why you can't have your baby yourself without the 'permission' of your ex. He will still be required to provide financial support and if there is a chance you can work it out then who knows. Just don't act in haste and let the situation determine your feelings, these days aren't like the days when we were put up for adoption these days people get a lot more help, support and acceptance.

much luck to you x x

hispregnantwife!

its kind of sad hes willing to give up his own baby for someone elses maybe hes just scared and needs time to adjust talk to him about it and make it clear that you love him so carrying his baby is important to you. Tell him you might consider adoption later but you know you will both regret it. try to figure out why he is pushing so hard to adopt.

<3

you don't say why you and your fiance broke up... maybe the issues are fixable, then he can be in the baby's life? I dunno but I wouldn't so easily throw away someone you thought about marrying, unless he's abusive or cheated on you.

Adoption is not the worst alternative. A lot of people want newborn babies. The baby will probably be adopted very quickly but if you are having doubts about this consider an open adoption so that you can see your child and keep in contact with the adoptive parents and make sure they are treating your child the way he/she is supposed to be treated.

ETA: Then again, if you really want to keep your baby keep it.
Your fiance is probably just angry right now and will regret saying what he did later if he's a decent person.

Rainia W

Well, I think I should start off with the fact that not all adoptees have the same pain associated with knowing their birth parents willingly gave them up. My birth mother willingly gave me up, and I have no problems with it whatsoever.

Still, is giving your child up for adoption better then single parenthood? Not necessarily. After all, the parents you give your child up to could eventually get divorced as well. If you truly want to keep your child, then don't let anyone convince you otherwise. He doesn't have to be involved emotionally if he doesn't want to. Just make sure your child has a strong male influence in its life.... doesn't have to be your husband, it can be a pastor of a church, your father, an uncle, a male friend that you are sure will be around for a long time, etc. Also, be prepared for the fact that dating with kids is hard. It also isn't appropriate to bring men you are dating home when you have children, unless you are sure it is the real thing.

Still, I think you should listen to your heart. If your heart says that you can succeed at being a single parent, then don't let anyone talk you out of it.

Nancy Jayne

I was adopted and when I had my son my mother wanted me to give him up. We have been through some good times and bad and I think thats just life. I didnt always make the right choice but I know I did my best to make good ones. I take him to counseling becuase I know I have issues of my own from being adopted that are magnified through him, and he is doing great. My mother took him for a year, convinced that she could do better than I, and gave him back before the year was up becuase I am a good mom no matter what anyone wants to think. I didnt die the year he was gone either. So I think whatever choice you make it will be the right one. Everone will live and make of thier lives what they can. Its human nature. You sound like you are a good person in a bad situation, but you sound smart so....do what you know you can live with, becuase in the long run the only person who has to live with you is you, forever. I know how hard it was for my birth mother to give me up (she came back for me 4 times after the state took me away before giving up) She did it out of love, and I am sure yours did too. Just like you would do it to give your kid a better life. He will not hate you, you should not hate you either, if that is what you decide. I think you should go for it though. There is so much community resources for single mothers out there.

Bouvier

Do yourself and any potential child in your future a favor..........DUMP HIM.

He does not support you, your relationship is unstable, and that is not fair to ANY CHILD in your future. ABORT HIM!!!

RubiesNRubies

Keep it- you'll be fine. There are TONS of single parents doing their own thing and doing it well.

opedial

With that instability no one will approve a homestudy. Congrats on the pregnancy though, and enjoy your child!

junkitymalunkity

You sound like you know you want to raise the child. Could you really justify giving it to an adoption agency because of what your ex-boyfriend says? If you are not, in fact, certain of what you want to do, you could, and possibly should, consult a specialist in this field. There are free clinics available for this consultation. Honestly he may be saying this to avoid having to pay for the child. But overall, it is not his decision. You are separated, it is your body and legally likely to be considered your child. Of course, you can consider his point of view, but please, don't let him decide for you and then regret it for the rest of your life. Single parenting is a challenge, are you able to deal with it and get support from family and friends, make a plan and provide the love and home that your child needs? I'd get feedback from many people, but ultimately you have to decide what you know, feel, think, is the best route to take, all things considered.
Best Wishes!

DarcyAndOwen

just ignore him i think when he realise r serious about having this baby he will support you if not e not worth it n e wasy good luck girl !

shayla r

Dont give your baby up. If you do decide give the baby to a family member who will take good care of it, just temporary to see how things go. You might regret it. At least he's saying adoption insteat of abortion. When my ex and I broke up, i found out I was pregnant and he wanted me to get an abortion but I couldnt do it. I thought about it then released I must be crazy to kill my baby for a man, then when I started to fall in love with her and feeling her move around inside me, I lost hard.. It was the hardest thing I have ever experienced.

Sherida

I'm sorry your ex-fiancee is acting this way. He sounds as scared as you are. By saying adoption will make life easier for everyone, what he means is it will make life easier for him. Adoption is a highly personal choice, and only you can make it. Single parenting is without a doubt incredibly difficult, but oh so worth it. Go with your gut. If you can give this child a good life, with everything it needs (not necessarily everything it wants!) and have support from family and friends, why not keep your baby? If you can't cope for the first few months, you could consider allowing someone to foster your child while you get yourself sorted out. That way, you don't lose your baby forever.

However you feel now, it will all change when they put your baby into your arms for the first time. Nothing is ever set in stone, so you can keep your options open and see how you get on. No decisions HAVE to be made right now, and if you are uncomfortable with pressure from him, cut off contact until after the birth.

Good luck and hugs.

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