How can I help my birth mother adjust?
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How can I help my birth mother adjust?
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My father took me away to another country when I was 2 years old and told me my birth mother abandoned me. He remarried and left me with my grandmother who raised me. Before she died, my grandmother told me the truth that my father was abusive to my mother and took me away from her when she filed for divorce. I found my mother very easily because she never changed her name and she lived in the same place, even after 20 years.
Its very sad because now I know how much she suffered because of my father. Its been a year and she still crys when I see her. She talks a lot about her memories of me as a baby. Its difficult because I don't have the same memories. She does not want me to hate my father because she wants the violence to stop. But, she cries all the time. I can't tell if she loves me or just the memory of me.
Additional Details
We have been in reunion for 1 year. She always seems happy to see me. She wants to hear about my life but when I show pictures she starts to cry. She likes the very young pictures of me, and looks at them often.
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kitta
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It is normal for her to feel the grief she feels.
Your mother does remember you.She wants to know about the "younger you." That is the person you were, and she needs to hear about that person, so she can picture you as a young child. She missed all of those years. She needs to integrate all of the years that were missed.
You are not just a memory to her. You are a real person, and she does remember you.You, of course, cannot remember her. You were a baby.But her love is real.
At one time, she might have loved your father. But if he was violent and abusive, and he hurt her terribly, then she has a lot of emotions around him. Yet, she has had a child with him, and she does, truly, want those violent emotions to stop.
This is a difficult adjustment time. Be patient with yourselves.
It is also healthy to do activities that are fun right now, that you both enjoy, and not always talk of the past. |
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Romany
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How long have you been in reunion?
Give her time to heal. And give yourself time to heal as well. |
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dontknow86
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I feel the same way about my little girl that was taken away from me, What it is is that we missed so much, we cant get back. Keep seeing her to make new memories. The tears will go away. |
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Corn is not dog food! No wheat!
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Show her who you are now.
Have her participate, or watch you, doing your favorite activities. If you play a sport, have her come watch and cheer for you at a game. If you play an instrument, have her come to a preformance. If you're an artist, hand her some supplies, and get to it.
Do something together. Like a craft or dance class. Go hiking or horseback riding.
Bring your friends with you when you go see her. It will make you more "real" to her when she sees you enteract with others.
Quit bringing pictures. It upsets her and makes her cling to the past. |
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Elizabeth
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Well for starters you can stop calling her your "birth mother." |
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