How can I just explain to my parents that I'm not ready?

MamaKate is an Aunt!

Hi Sasha. You are totally "normal"!

Just wanted to throw a few thought out here for you to ponder.

1. First of all, being moody and wanting to "find yourself" is perfectly normal for ANY teenager.

2. If you are only just now finding out you are adopted, it might be helpful for you to check out http://www.adultadoptees.org/. I understand they are an excellent resource for Late Discovery Adoptees (LDAs). Even if you knew already, you might find some peer support here.

3. Your APs may be thinking that "now" is a good time for you to meet because as a teen "trying to find herself" they may think that knowing your biological roots might be a helpful way to discover more about who you are. Personally, I think that is very nice gesture from them, even if it isn't the best timing for you. (IMO, your biological parents should have been known to you all along unless they were a danger.) Your APs have good intentions but they seem to be unaware of the complexities of reunion. You have every right to be upset that this is being "thrown at you" without your input.

4. Your "reunion" with your biological parents should be between YOU and them. It should be on YOUR and their terms. Your APs "facilitating" this event could cause extra complications. Everyone involved should do a bit of research into adoption reunion and it wouldn't be a bad idea to have a professional available to help if difficult emotional situations arise. You must make it respectfully CLEAR that this NEEDS to be on YOUR terms.

5. You are mad at your biological parents for "showing up" and for "rejecting" you. From what you wrote they were invited. Most likely, because of your age and your bio parents obvious interest in you (why would they show up if they didn't care), you were a newborn placed due to financial difficulties or social pressures. They probably THOUGHT they were making a "loving choice". They may have very well been waiting for the opportunity to know you. They are probably scared you will reject THEM. I would suggest that while your feelings are most certainly valid, perhaps they should be reserved a bit until you have heard their side of the story --- BUT ONLY WHEN YOU ARE READY TO HEAR IT!! :)

6. At some point you may find that it is to your benefit to know your biological family. Since you have the support of your adoptive family, it may actually HELP you "find yourself" to be able to see what comes to you via genes. Talents and passions, like your writing, are often passed down in families. Kudos to your APs for thinking you may need/want this connection/knowledge. Kudos to your bios for agreeing! Nothing wrong with having extra people who love and care for you.

7. Lastly, all of this should be about YOU. The adults in your life should understand that this needs to go at your pace and on your terms. It seems that all of them care about you a great deal and would be willing to listen to and accommodate your needs. I think that if you explain your feelings and allow them understand where you are coming from, this could be a very positive experience for all of you.

It sounds to me as if you have two families who love you even if it has been sprung on you at an inopportune time. I hope that everyone involved handles this with respect, grace and above all else, that the adults here can put you and your needs and feelings before their own. Good luck and best wishes to all of you. And good luck with your writing.

Tarra

Why is it that ONLY on Yahoo Answers do parents who adopt, "all of a sudden" decide to bring the bio parents back into the picture?? Nobody else finds this odd? I mean, I've never heard of this happening. Ever.

"You're 16, and oh by the way, your adopted". What loving parent would do that? What's the motivation?

Rosie

Very normal. For the sake of your mind you need to say your peace to your family. It's gracious that you bit your tongue at the first, but now you must sit down and tell them that you will do it in your own time and in your own way.

What they should have said is, how do you feel or think about meeting your biological parents? and then listened to what you had to say.

Grey Haven

Sit them down and explain that you'd like to talk to them, without being interrupted at first. They would be expecting this more than anything, so will probably be relieved that you want to talk.

The next thing to do is take a deep breath and just let it all out. It's hard at first but you'll find it just keeps coming out as you get further into it. Let them know exactly how you feel. They've looked after you all these years, they deserve your honesty. It's ok to cry if you get emotional. At the end, tell them you're not ready.

They seem to want the best for you, and so will support you.

Liam: The wonder-baby!

Wow...if you were my daughter, I would be so impressed that you are aware you are not ready to meet your biological parents. You need to sit your folks down and say "I need to tell you something and not have anyone say anything until I am done." And then tell them what you just said, that you are overwhelmed with finding yourself right now and that you really feel some anger toward both sets of parents right now for the reasons you just said. Your parents should be able to understand that you didn't deserve to have this sprung on you. It would be comparable to you saying "Hey guys, now is the time start a new career" and expecting them to be okay with that quick of a change. It's not fair, YOU make the call when and if you want to meet your biological parents. And it is okay to be angry with both sets of parents, they put you in the situation and it is a great thing you are mature enough to know it is not the right time. Kudos to you!

Ktwman

Its completely natural to feel uneasy. You have the right to say no. Tell them how you feel, that you're not ready and ned more time. That you will initiate contact with your BF when you are ready and not a minute sooner.

Jessica

It's totally normal how you are feeling. Just being told out of the blue that you're adopted and that your birth parents want to meet you is too much for a person, much less a 16 year old. Maybe you should sit down with your parents and tell them how you feel and the anger that you have because of what just transpired. This is something that you should talk about in depth. If it doesn't resolve things, you can go to your school counselor and they can refer you to someone who can help you sort through all of your feelings (because I'm sure you are going through a lot). As far as your birth parents are concerned, I don't think they rejected you. They gave you an opportunity to have a happy life which was something that maybe they weren't able to give you when they gave you up. If both sets of parents respect you, they will give you time to digest all of this and prepare yourself for the twists and turns of this revelation.

Good luck with it all.

Glee

Say what you just said. It sounds perfect to me. You have the right to feel your own feelings authentically.

Cam

I don't think your APS handled this in the right way. You should have been consulted first and given an option to meet your bio parents or at least just be given their info for you to pursue a meeting on your own when you were ready.

Arlene

You should just show them what you have written. Meeting your biological parents is a biggie and you should only do this when you feel you are ready to deal with it. It is something you should do if only to learn the medical histories of your biologicals.

MARY

Your parents handled it the wrong way. And it's not up to them. It's up to you! YOU!
Also, why are they wanting you to meet your B parents when you're only 16?
Ask them why they want you to meet your biological parents.
Tell your parents your not ready to meet your B parents. Tell your parents that IF you decide to meet your B parents YOU will make that move, not them. It is not their move to make.
Truly, I AM shocked by your parents behavior. Perhaps I don't know the whole story, but from what you wrote, I am shocked.

Sabrina

This IS normal :) :) One of my friend's is adopted, and she's going to meet her biological parents as well. She feels hurt and anger towards them, but then again happy and excited. Something that I have learned from her is to, and don't laugh, write a note. Write down everything that you feel, disappointment, curious, mysterious, rejection, hate, love, pain, happiness, etc. (those were just examples). The note can be as long as you want, after that, crumble it up and throw it away. Think this is a joke? Nope :) I've done this many times, especially during arguments or hearing bad news. It works for me and her, and might work for you also. The explaining that you're not ready part, that's up to you. You're going to have to listen to your heart and tell them how you really feel. You could just give them the note, but then again you'd have to read it over again to make sure you don't say something you wouldn't of wanted them to know :) Good luck.

cricketlady

It is all very normal---the teen yrs in themselves are rocky and just like a roller coaster ride. It is entirely up to you IF and When you want to meet your bio parents. Who wants to take another chance on being rejected all over again. And that does happen also. It's entirely up to you.

Crystal

I think it's perfectly normal - I'd be upset too. Don't be too harsh on your B parents though - I'm sure they have a valid reason for giving you up.
A message to Tarra - I've heard of it happening before - not just on here. As cruel as it is, it happens.

Linkinstein

seriously u should recognise back your real parents but it's not necessary that you get back to them, u should remain in the same place where you have been. The one who gives birth is always the mum, no matter what it happens, but you have rights to do what u want. 16 yrs old , as old as me. if i were u, i would buzz them off once and try to talk with your unreal parents.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: