How can found birth mothers help make reunions successful?

Zuko

My reunion WAS positive. What my f-mom did was let me guide the reunion process in what ever direction I was comfortable with. She didn't push me and she didn't back off either. She was upfront and honest about everything, even the hard stuff.

One thing I've found out is that almost every adoptee has some sort of fall out post reunion... (after the first face to face) Depression, sadness, all sorts of negative feelings come bubbling back up again. It's not a reflection of how good or bad the reunion went... it's just a normal reaction to a very abnormal situation.

What to do? Be honest, forthright, and clear. Don't lie, fudge the facts, or avoid them. Even if it's something bad. Don't treat the adoptee like a shameful situation. One of the things that has kept me going lately is the knowledge that I was never something to be ashamed of... my f-mom told her husband before they were ever married about me. Her whole family has known about me since she found out she was pregnant. She told her son about me just a few days after I contacted her. And she let me know all of this. Make sure your son KNOWS, without a doubt, that you are not ashamed of him. That he didn't do anything wrong. That he's not responsible.

Take it one day at a time. Be supportive. If he drops off the map for a little while, give him his time. If he sends corresponds with you, get back to him in a timely matter. Be accepting and understanding of his negative emotions and feelings as well as his positive ones. Most of all, understand that there's most likely going to be a period of come down after you meet him face to face. It's a roller coaster... up down up down up down... he has a LOT to deal with. Give him what he needs to handle all of this without being too overbearing, and you'll be just fine.

ETA: I am going to parrot a few things that the first two posters said. I agree with the 'don't have expectations' bit. But, to be honest, it doesn't matter how slow you go, he's still going to be overwhelmed.

If he wants to go fast, go fast. If he wants to go slow, go slow. I still maintain that the best thing you can do is let your son set the pace at whatever he's comfortable with.

Mei-Ling

Hm... well, the problem is, reunion is based on the fact that you were separated first.

So it's inevitable that at least one party, if not both, will eventually have to face it. You don't decide when - it just springs up sometime after the "honeymoon" phase, once you've gotten past the excitement and the "OMG" part.

I love contacting my mother, but when I contact her I feel both joy and pain - joy that I can finally speak to her and send her pictures, but pain that we were separated in the first place.

One does not exist without the other (in many cases). That's why reunion quickly becomes bittersweet.

sunny

I have been in reunion with my mother for 22 years.

Even though things have been good overall, and I know she had no choice in giving me up (bad timing and the times) I still wish she had APOLOGIZED to me. Maybe in writing, so I wouldn't have to say, "That's okay."

I'm sorry I didn't get to know you as a child, I'm sorry that you had to grow up adopted, that must have been hard. I will be available to you forever, you can count on me.

That would have gone a LONG way with me, and given me tremendous comfort.

Ka'ra

My birth mom and I had a good first meeting. We've even met up since then and I've met my three 1/2 brothers.

It was really cool. She and I look a bit alike and what really blew me away was that we laugh alike.

Just be yourself. Yes, you will BOTH be nervous, but don't worry too much.

Go out for dinner or something and just talk. Bring pictures to catch your son up on what you've been doing. Let him talk a lot.

snowwillow20

I have had a good reunion, I found my almost 30 yr old daughter in 2001. I let her take the lead, she told us that she wanted us in her life, but we are not her parents and her kids are not our grandkids (we treat them as our grandkids though). This was hard at first but we settled into a friendship. After the birth of my sons daughter (our only other granchild) my bdaughter became very jelous and sought out counseling. She felt as though we were abandoning her again with the birth of our "real granddaughter".
She's had a hard life, she has a good amom but she married a bum 17 years ago, she was pregnant and she had low self esteem. He's still a bum. She was also molested by a family friend. She doesn't come to any family events (except her brothers graduation from college) and even though her inlaws live in my town they never visit them.
Sorry to ramble, the best thing is to go with the flow and let him set the rules. Even though our reunion is not as good as I had hoped, it's still good and I treasure every moment, every phone call, every email and the best is now when her birthday comes around, I can wish her happy birthday in person.

JennaBear

I'd also agree with Zuko.

The most positive aspect of my reunion with my n-dad (cause the reunion with my n-mom sorta bombed) was that he really put the ball in my court and let me know he would respect how I wanted the reunion to happen...that was a HUGE relief for me because with my n-mom and her side of the family I felt forced into relating to them how THEY wanted me to, not how I wanted to...

Kashi

I have reunited with my birthmother as well- 30 years after the fact. We live very far away, so we haven't met yet. We talk on the phone once in a while (she hadn't told her whole family about it yet), and we email and write letters. We took it very slow at first and it was obvious we were both guarded a bit. Gradually more and more information came out. Sometimes we go thru a long period of time where we don't talk, but it's just because we're not super close yet. I think the individual personalities come into play with that. I'm a very private person in general. But, it has been wonderful. I feel good knowing that she knows I don't hate her and that I had a great childhood. I'm sure in time we'll meet, but just not in the plans yet. I think the key is to not expect too much and to just lay back and let things happen naturally!

Randy B

Just take things slow and don't expect too much. In that way nobody will feel overwhelmed and anything that comes from the meeting will be a wonderful gift. There will hopefully be plenty of time in the future to learn more and build some level of relationship rather then try to do it all at once. Remember as well that emotions could be strong, either good ones or bad ones. Another reason just to take things slow and enjoy the experience.

Sharon M

Realize that your son has a mother in the woman that raised him. The relationship that the two of you have will never be the same. Don't push him. He may only want his questions answered and not to have a relationship with you. That's okay. He's more likely to want you in his life if he is comfortable with you.

Still Me

I just supervised a "reunion" ( we call it a "meeting") that is not going so well. So perhaps you can pull some helpful information from that as well. The aoodptive parents boundaries were not great -- they had visions of instant Christmases with all the birth family, them, and the child being happy happy happy. Not so. The birthmother's boundaries were not good either. She took some hurtful liberties by visiting her son's soccer games without asking -- embarassing and shocking the boy and his parents. Then she blamed the apaprents for not wanting her in the picture after the boy (a teen) asked that she not come around anymore. Now the adoptive family is angry, the birth family dislikes the aparents, and the birthmom is angry with the child (!!!!) It is a mess. How could this have been avoided? Perhaps -- by -- 1. Meeting ("reunion") earlier on in life! This is the biggest mistake aparent and nparents make. Just like it is more normal and comfortable to know one is adopted from the earliest age (infancy) possible, the same with meeting bparents. Little ones don't have the "issues" to tackle that older children do. Adults have either kind of worked that stuff out or comprimised on issues, or even severed the relationship by the time the child is older. If "reunions" take place with older children, they have so many more issues to take into consideration -- teenage-hood in general, and older children have acumulated ideas and obeservations about adoption and themsevles, their parents, fantasized about their bparents, etc. 2. Having NO expectations of the "reunion" It is helathier to look at this as a meeting, rather than reuniuon, unless the child was placed for adoption at an older age. Then the expectations are gentler. This goes for apaprents, naparents and child. Let what happens happen. Let this unfold and grow over time as it does in any relationship. 3. NEVER blame! This is never going to work out if there is blame involved. It is what it is. The child is NEVER responsible for anything but just being. If he accepts birthfamily, fine, rejects them, fine, is neutral, fine, wants contact, fine, wants no contact, fine. Embrace whatever IS. He is the one that has the weight of the adoption on his shoulders! Not the aparnets, not the bparents! This should always be remembered. HE leads the way in the meeting/reunion. Not the adults. 4. Take it slowly. Do not fall for everything seeming rosey or horrid in two weeks. If this meeting is worth becoming a REAL relationship, then that takes time, work, copperation, sensitivity, and generosity. 5. Never speak negatively of any of the parents -- birth or adoptive. If the child tries this, correct them. They may look for a way tio pit one parent against the other. Never let that happen. Show total respect for the other parent. This encourages the child to feel confident in their adoption and their life and themselves. Your confidence in both sets of his parents contributes to the child's self confidence. Suggest a way to work through conflicts with each parent out just like you would do for any child/parent. Support the child, but do not side with them. I hope this helps! Good luck to you all!

KTea

Oddly, does a reunion turn out positive. I myself was adopted and met my biological mother, father and three full siblings at the age of fifteen. For the least four years my life has been a living hell in dealing with my biological mother, only her.

At first, you tend to go through the "fantasy phase" all rainbows and smiles, but reality comes backs and differences seem to make many challenges.

My biological mother has mental issues, lies like their is no tomorrow, lied and denied about doing drugs and alcohol when her own family members told me, even her best friend did.

She would want me in her life, then we would try all different forms of relationships and as soon as I stated what worked best for me, she would cut me off, most recently a week ago.

She blamed me for everything that happened, blamed the ministry for not finding her when I did make it to my first birthday, etc.

She wanted to be my mother, but I had my parents already. She said very negative things about my family, but expected me to respect her, I did, but I said it is a two way street, not one.

I have tried over and over to have some kind of a relationship, but it ever worked. I unfortunately cannot have any relationship with my younger full biological siblings, which is hard and I know my biological mother bad mouths me in front of them.

However, this is just my experience, but generally it turns out for the worst I find as I know many adopted inidividuals.

I am just being honest.

Best of luck to you though.

Rainia W

Every adoptee wants something different out of the reunion, and often it is related to how they were treated in their adoptive family. When I have my reunion, I just want health information, meet my bio-family once, and then have a Christmas Card relationship, you know where you just put them on the list of who to sent a nice card to, but you don't worry about sending a letter to weekly.

Other adoptees I have know have wanted full-blown relationships, or just a talk to you online when your on type thing. Some have been interested in knowing siblings, but didn't want anything to do with the biological parents.

My advice is Do Not Push them into anything. It is going to be overwhelming for everyone involved, but let the adoptee take the lead as much as possible, without letting your own personal boundaries be messed up. Also, be honest with any questions they ask.

Replace

I have not had personal experience in that area, but I have had counseling experience.

First: Don't expect too much. Realize that son may be curious but not terribly open to a relationship right away.

Second: Don't "give" too much - as in information, emotions, hopes.

Third: Realize that this meeting is as difficult and "scarey" for him as it is for you.

Fourth: Understand that you cannot "make up" for 22 years in 22 days.

My prayers are for all of you.

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