How can the adoptive parents be considered "fake" parents?

Someone answered my earlier Q and said "in an open adoption the birth mom is "supposed" to get letters and information on how her child is doing in the hands of its fake parents. I'm sorry but just because you adopt doesn't mean the child is yours as you didn't give birth to it.

does anyone agree with this statement? how can the adoptive parents be "fake" parents?
i feel the adoptive parents are the child's real/true parents, the child is theirs. the adoptive parents were there to take the child in when the child's mother couldn't keep them, they feed & clothe that child and they give it love and cuddles, they sing/give comfort to the child when they are too scared to sleep and kiss their bruises when they fall, they make sure they go to school and pay for them to go on holiday with them to make the child happy, the make every christmas and birthday special for the child, they are THERE for the child everyday, how can they not be the true parents? maybe they didn't give birth to the baby but they are the one's who took care of him/her and loved them, the birth mother did none of this, whether she wanted to give the baby away or not, she is not the child's parent, what makes a parent is someone who cares for the child and is there for them with everything, not just gave birth to him/her
Additional Details
ok my Q might have been worded wrong, im not saying the birth parents arent "real" parents, but i do think the adoptive parents should be considered the actual parents. if the baby was given up at birth then what does the birth mother have to do with the child? i know a friend who's mother gave her up because she was to young (22) and didnt ever want to see the baby or hear from them, how can that person be considered a parent? if the birth mother is in the childs life and is there for them, then yes they can be considered a parent to, or if the birth mom gives the adoptive parents info so the child can contact them when the child wishes, they can be considered a parent if the child gets to know them, but i dont consider a birth mom who gave away her baby at birth with no future contact a parent.

MiZ BrAnD NeW

Just as you and many of these people mentioned in their responses, no. just because you adopt doesnt NOT (and i repeat, DOES NOT) make you a "fake" parent. YOU provide food, shelter, clothing, and countless amounts of time, comfort and love to said child(ren) that you choose to adopt. So nobody has the right or reason to suggest that a parent, or parents, who adopts isnt a "true" parent. Thats like saying they're doing all the hard work in raising and loving the child but the blood parents own that title of being "mom" or "dad". Its not right.

Bodhi

Yeah, I read that too. I wondered if my Mom had gotten a ton of plastic surgery without telling me? :)

I don't let things like that bother me personally. I feel sad for people who take an extreme point of view, because it's usually borne out of pain - their own, or pain that they've witnessed.

I think it's ok to identify more than one set of "real" parents. First parents are real...Adoptive parents are real: neither of them are imaginary, and identifying one as real or fake puts them in competition to see who is the "realest". They each occupy a precious and real but different space in the child's life.

cantstopLinnyG

That's a shame. I consider all four of my parents to be "real". They all have different roles in my life.

I dislike the word "real" when it pertains to adoption. The only thing I consider to be "not real" when it comes to adoption are the birth certificates issued to us. My adoptive mother did not give birth to me. Period. Yet a government issued document says she did. Its insulting to all of us.

Also, everyone's idea of parenting may be different. I hate the idea that people think the only parents are the ones who are physically there.

Maybe the person's intentions were lost in translation. An adoptee will NEVER have just 2 parents, no matter why they were relinquished. It's not an insult meant to our adoptive parents, it's the truth.

***ETA****
Again, "real" is up to the individual. You have no idea of knowing the reasons behind a child's relinquishment.
If you are not adopted, I think it's ridiculous for you to even answer this question. My a parents gave/give me things my n parents did not. My n parents gave/give me things my a parents did not.

I am who I am because of ALL of my parents. Just because one set could not be present for the first half of my life does not make them any less "real". Also, just because I am nothing like my a parents (looks, intellectual ability, musical/athletic capability, etc) because I am not genetically related to them does not make them any less real.
You would be smart to listen to some of the adoptive parents on this site who know they are just as real as their childs bio parents. You seem to not want to take an adoptee's opinion, which is always scary to me. If you are TTC and adoption may be in your future, you need to understand how adoption affects MOST adoptees- and that MOST of us have the capacity to love ALL of our "real" parents.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOZGwqHVnKs
http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

An adoptive child is much healthier AND happier when their adoptive parents get that.

kateiskate

I have six real parents who have all played real roles within my life. The existence of the others does not take away from any one of my parents because I love them all equally and separately for the things they have given me in life.

lost2day

< cantstop> I want to thank you for your wonderful insight and reassurance. You`re right not all parents, bio, adoptive, and step parents have the same roles. It also doesn`t mean one has anymore value than the other.I`m a stepmother to a child that has been adopted out several years ago. I still consider myself his step mom. I haven`t seen him in awhile, but I`m hoping one day it`ll happen. Parenting is highly subjective, everyone has emotional ideas and thoughts regarding this issue.But I still think I`m a step mom, and he`s related to my sons, so he`s in my family, regardless of other people`s thoughtless remarks. My husband gave up his rights as a parent, but, the child still has family here.

Nameless

Why is a child limited to two parents? As far as I'm concerned anybody can be a "real parent" whether through birth, adoption, or marriage; so long as the child involved wishes to consider a real parent.

Mom to Foster Children

Wow - I just pinched myself to make sure I was real and guess what - it hurt - so who says I am a fake parent?

a healing adoptee

I don't think they are "fake", but don't try to make the child hate their birth parents or say because you raised them, then they have to be faithful to you. Because guess what?!! We have another set of parents out there and like it or not, without them that child would not be here!

uncle stevie

One answer I have on the first question, It may be the person is talking about a child that is in foster care and adopted from there, the cut off age is 8 to 9 years old and if the child is in the top end and adopted there well be a few letters and some contact takes place. As for a baby or toddler I agree with you, 100%, but they are still the adoptive parents and not true parents, but there will never be FAKE PARENTS. yours

Jennifer L

Adoptive parents get this on this forum once in awhile. I'm glad to say that it's not often, though.

Adoptive parents do need to wrap their minds around the fact that they are not the child's only parents. I believe that both sets of parents are "real" and "true" parents and none of them are "fake". One does not diminish the other.

Serenity71

My answer relates mainly to the first paragraph and focused on the adoptive parent side of it. And adoptive parents were the ones being called fakes not first parents. And since its the main focus of this particular question. (And of course I see first parents as real too... we have a role in our childrens life.)

Some people can't get their heads around a couple loving a child, forming a bond and just being mum and dad to a child they didn't create between them the tradtitional way. Thats the only time when I hear the 'fake parents' or playing at being 'mum or dad' come from people. I feel sorry for people who can't see past DNA when it comes it to family and loving those around them and calling them family. (And they are less likely to embrace an in-law as true family. In our family when our kids one day marry we'll look upon it differently, that person also becomes part of our family...not fakes.)

I'm happy I'm not a person who thinks like that, my life is a lot richer because of the way I see family.

nighteam

I consider myself a true parent to both my daughters, who came into our home through adoption. I will go to the ends of the Earth for them as well as protect them to my last breath. My daughters' natural parents would not go to that distance nor actually to any point, our children's were in care due to severe abuse and neglect. If there comes a time they want contact with their natural parents and we can assure their safety we do what we can to facilitate the contact. Even though our adoptions are closed we have enough information from medical records and court filings to find our children's natural parents.

poohgirl

Adoptive parents are substitute parents. In a sense, yes, they are fake parents. Yes, you can raise a child for 18 years but they will never be yours. Not biologically, not naturally, its like a game of pretend. I relate an adoptive parent to that of a little girl with her baby doll. Be angry if you choose but its true. Live in denial all you want: that child was not, is not and will never be your own. Choosing not to raise your child makes you a bad parent but you're still a parent.

kidmindi

As an adoptee, I find the term "fake parents" highly offensive. I happen to have 4 parents. Two biological parents and two adoptive parents. They all played an important role in me being who I am.

As an adoptive mother, I am also highly offended by this term. I am the one who recently sat up night after night with my adoptive daughter when she had the flu and was spiking temps of 104. I am the one who has had her special needs addresses.

However she had another mother, just a much her mother as I am. She is the one who carried her for 9 months, had a C section delivery and tried her best to raise her for 8 months. She calls and visits as often as she can and sends her gifts. She was also on the phone with me one night every 30 minutes asking how our daughter was doing when her fever was over 104.

A parents is a parent. Sometimes I wish we could just lose the words real, birth, adoptive, step and foster from our vocabulary and just me moms and dads who love their kids no matter what place they hold in their lives

Heather B

Adoptive parents aren't fake, they're very real. In reality They are substitutes.

military_mummy

That is an odd way to word something. Anyone who takes in a child and raises them, loves them and provides for them is a real parent. There are step-parents out there who are better than the biological parent will ever be.

I think the person who wrote this article you read was very wrong to refer to the parents as "fake".

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.

They are not fake parents
neither are the biological parents

An adopted child has FOUR (usually) VERY REAL parents.

Usually though, they only have two parents that raise them, day-to-day

But both those who raise them and those who gave birth to them are important in the child's lives..

But yeah.. there are some (IMO) screwed-up people on this forum who like to claim or inferr that adoptive parents are just "substitues" "glorified nannies" "Babysitters" Or at worst "baby stealers"

I do believe it takes more than giving birth to be a parent.

ETA: Wait a minute.. my last comment didn't come out right.. Not sure what I was trying to say.. I guess I meant to say it takes more than birth to be a GOOD parent.. Not sure what I'm trying to say, but I WASN'T trying to say that a mother who relinquishes for adoption isn't a parent..

Salt&Pepper Apricot

The way I see it, is when the birth parent gives the child up for adoption, she has no legal rights to anything anymore.

No, I don't think a birth parent who gives up all rights to the child should be considered a parent, even in an open adoption. The people who raise the child should be considered the parents.

Maybe when they get to be adults, they can look up bio parents.

hello

I guess we will know the answer when the child grows up and can let us know themselves how they feel about the difference between the people who raised them and the biological people who cared enough to give birth to them. Abortion is still legal. If you have adopted consider yourself blesssed. Let it work itself out

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