How can these PAPs 'bond' with a picture?

grapesgum

I don't understand that either.

So sad that the practice of displaying children up for sale by this agency was stopped because of the "rights" of the adoptive parents and had nothing to do with the privacy rights of the children. So sad but typical for the US adoption culture.

Erin L

I think the issue is that these programs are host with the intent to adopt, so if the children weren't available for adoption and these prospective adoptive parents paid money, they were the victims of fraud.

As far as "bonding" with a picture, I understand what you are saying. Bonding is a 2-way street, so it can't occur that way. I "knew" my daughter in pictures for 3 months months before I got to meet her. Yes, there is a new level of feeling when you finally know a face, a human, expressions in the child who will become yours. I knew every nuance of our daughter's face, her different expressions through pictures before I met her. However, I definitely don't like to hear people say they "felll in love" with their child's picture. It's not love like real parent/child love. Now, I LOVE my daughter because we have a mother daughter relationship which I could never have imagined the depth of feeling when looking at those pictures before I knew her.

monkeykitty83

I don't think I'm reading this quite the same way you are. This article (I assume it's quoted) is worded in a very confusing way, but here's the timeline I get from what you posted:

1.) Prospective parents see photo listing of children claimed available for adoption.

2.) Prospective parents agree to host the children in their homes based on the listings.

3.) Prospective parents and children bond DURING THE HOSTING PERIOD.

4.) Because the children were listed as adoptable, prospective parents express intent to adopt. They are then told the children they have had in their homes and PAID to host were not available for adoption as presented.

So basically, they were defrauded BY the listing into paying to host and subsequently bonding with children whose status was reported deceptively. They didn't bond THROUGH the photo listing-- the listing caused them to take children into their homes for a period of time, during which the attachment process began.

I think you're missing the fact that they hosted the children. I can see why, because the wording is confusing, but the whole issue involves the decision to host (a privilege they paid for) based on false information.

This is more like a foster-to-adopt situation than straight adoption. It's like if you agreed to foster a child who had supposedly been TPRed, and found out they hadn't once they'd been in your home for a period of time.

The article suggests the fraud issue here is the hosting and related fees, because the prospective adoptive parents hosted under false pretenses. And during that period, they bonded with an actual kid. Not a picture.

myst1998

They don't bond... they attach to an idea. The whole discussion of bonding and attachment is huge so I won't go into it here but I do not believe it possible to bond with a photograph due to the lack of physical and chemical hormones to facilitate this process. And the attachment is only to an idea as they haven't met the child.

I read the article as the PAP's 'bonded' to the photos hence why they are getting rid of photo listing.

And no, in adoption, attachment takes place, not bonding. They are different and attachments can be very strong but bonding is a post birth process that is assisted with chemicals and hormones. If something occurs to prevent this like Post Natal Depression, a woman undergoes treatment usually with medication to help sort out the medical imbalance and then if it isn't too late, bonding can take place or else attachment takes place. It is a very grey area.

Lori A

I am confused as to why so many defend agencies when there are hundreds of stories like this coming to light.

I'm not the liar, some one else is, and yet they get fiercely defended by perspective adoptive parents and I get called names.

Pfffft go figure. You don't see any write ups about me scamming people over and over and over.

reneaumommy

they hosted them Usually the kids come over for 2-4 weeks and stay with a prospective family. I think its usually over the summer or at christmas. Then the kids go home and the parents can try to adopt them if they like.

kitta

No one "bonds" with a picture.

However, paps in Colorado, and other states, have testified over "lost" children who were not yet born. It seems that the mothers and paps had been pre-birth matched, and then the mothers changed their minds, and decided to raise the children, all before the children had been born.

But the paps had already bought the crib, picked out a name, and decided in their own heads that the unborn child was "theirs." Hence, the weeping and wailing....while the natural family raised their own child, which was their perfect right to do.

Colorado has a thick book of "regulations" for agencies, but the state is promoting adoption, as is the the federal government.

Paps who fantasize that someone else's child is theirs will likely find sympathy.

and only if paps lose money, will there be any outcry against the adoption industry.Rarely, do natural parents' rights matter, and children have no rights.

Colorado is also home to the quack attachment industry where adopted child Candy Newmaker was killed in the name of "re-birthing therapy."

Social workers who work for natural family pres. will likely get hatemail and condemnation. Yet, in the past, social workers were supposed to work for natural family preservation.

The adoption industry is a boomtown.

Opedial

They are bonding with the idea of a picture. The picture represents an idea, a dream, a fantasy.

When we were doing the whole "let's try to make a baby" thing, we had a few miscarriages. We didn't grieve each one like we lost a baby, what we lost was our dream, the future etc.

gypsywinter

""The rush of going and buying a crib, thinking that there's going to be a child in it, is so emotional, and if you've never been through it, you just can't imagine. It's different than pregnancy, but in many ways, it's the same.""

You simply cannot be for real!! You are actually comparing the purchase of a crib, imagining a child in it....as if the same as pregnancy???! WTF! I have bought cribs, pack n plays, car seats, clothes, toys, you name it for my grandchildren...never once did I get the same or similar 'emotional' feeling as to when I was 'pregnant' with my own children. I was delighted to give these gifts to my grandbabies parents, but never once was it 'similar' to any feeling whilst pregnant with any one of my own children......... So is this what necessitates adoption in your world, your mind? First go buy a crib and 'imagine' another mother's baby in it?! I have heard some lame reasons/imaginations for wanting to adopt...but this 'crib' scenario surely takes the cake!

mom lost 66

how do you bond with a picture? you mean to tell me if you fell in
love with the picture of a monkey you would go out and but a crib
and then try and bring that monkey home and raise it as if it was born to you well that is what adopters do but only with a baby not born to them sounds sick but think about it awhile it is true that is what adopters do fall in love with someone else's child

Birthers are NOT mothers

How dare they have compassion and love for a child that was abandoned by its incubator. Sinners! Your aggression toward PAP's is hilarious...you blame everybody but yourself for giving your child up. The mirror is harsh ain"t it? Typical birther mentality...not my fault. blame everybody but me so I can cry and put on an act so I don't have to tell the child the truth that I just didn't want them.

Birthmothers rock!

sizesmith

To me, the possibiity of being matched to adopt is even more exciting than when I found out I was pregnant, because now, I appreciate the living being that I so desire. There have been a few times that I've helped mothers who have ended up keeping their children (if that's what's best I've helped, as much as I do want to adopt). When you think that you see a picture of an available child, and you are told that you are matched, there's an excitement like no other. The rush of going and buying a crib, thinking that there's going to be a child in it, is so emotional, and if you've never been through it, you just can't imagine. It's different than pregnancy, but in many ways, it's the same. The big difference is, when a person chooses to adopt, for whatever reasons, it's a real decision made, with the total desire of it to have a child. Face it, pregnancy can be the most blessed thing for some, but a curse for others. Sometimes, it's just unexpected, but when a person goes to adopt, being matched is almost like giving birth emotionally in many ways. Even being matched with a picture is kind of like pregnancy in some ways. You fall in love with the child, you see him/her in your head, you have dreams, ambitions, and desires to have them in your home, and most of all, you have hope.

Having an adoption or a foster situation where the child isn't placed is very similar to the feeling of having a miscarriage, except instead of having the physical and hormonal pains, you have emotional pain and loss, because somewhere out there, "your" child in your heart is somewhere else, where you may never know if they're being taken care of, or worse, if you know that they're being ignored, emotionally hurt, or if they aren't getting what they deserve in life.

Kazi

In this situation, I don't think the prospective parents bonded with a picture, but with the children themselves. Some Eastern Eurpoean countries that are open to international adoption have a hosting period, which is often how they handle older children adoption. The children go and stay with the PAP's for a period of time to see how they adjust and attach as a family. Personally I think this is a very good idea. The travesty is that the parents bond with the children and perhaps vice versa and then they learn that the children are in fact not available for adoption. It is cruel to prospective parents and children and it is fraud.

As for "bonding" with a picture, I do understand the feeling. When we received the referral for our daughter, we fell instantly in love. We both felt like parents immediately and all of the parenting instincts kicked in. I had to get there. I had to protect her. I wanted to hold her and tell her she was loved and was never to be hungry or lonely again. It was a very real and palpable feeling. Bonding is not the right word, but I believe parents are just grasping for a word that had a powerful meaning behind it to explain to people who have never adopted. Outsiders do not understand what it is like, so aparents reach for a word that can be understood and has depth.

AdoreHim

I don't think that the bonding takes place because of the pictures. I believe the bonding takes place when the children stay with the families. What makes it extremely difficult is the fact that those couples are most likely truly desiring to be parents and they meet these adorable children, and then learn that they are not adoptable.

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