How did adoptees feel about birthdays as a child? And now as an adult?

cantstopLinnyG

Many adoptees sabotage their own birthday parties. Many adoptees get depressed a few weeks before their birthdays until shortly after.

Its just as bad for me now. I would tell your daughter that you realize its a difficult day, but you would like to somehow commemorate. If she still doesn't want to, then don't.

Heather B

I thought of my Mom on my birthday. I remember squeezing my eyes shut tight and trying to picture her face. I blew out the candles on my birthday cake and my only wish was to see my mother's face . . .

This year at the grand old age of 38 my wish will finally come true.

LITTLE PETS

I always get depressed a few weeks before my birthday & on it too. I never ruined a birthday party of mine but, I don't know what it is like to be happy on my birthday either. It is just something I live with.

She is lucky that you care about her. My birth mother HATES ME! She wanted me dead from the moment she found out that she was pregnant.

Jennifer
Adoptee
Birth place: Sonoma, CA

SJM

I don't do birthdays. Not mine, and not anyone else's except my kids. I did give them birthday parties when they were little. The best birthday I can have is one that everyone forgets including me. I know that sounds very bah humbugish, but I really, really prefer it that way. It bothers my dad (natural dad). He would like to do something nice for me, and I'm not into it. We've been in reunion more than 20 years. I think it still hurts his feelings, but he doesn't say anything anymore.

Flying Monkey #073177

As a child- hurt

As a teen- suicidal/homicidal

As an adult- good excuse to get loaded and try to climb the Muttart walls.

Mei-Ling

I honestly truly didn't care.

Until 2006 when I initiated contact. My 1st birthday after contact was me wondering "Do they remember it's my bday? Are they thinking about me?"

The 2nd birthday after contact had me wishing they had at least sent a card or something, and wishing there was some way I could phone them to hear "Sheng Ri Kuai Le" (Happy Bday in Chinese)

And now.. my 3rd birthday (since reunion) is coming up... and I will get to celebrate it WITH THEM in my birth country. I am so anxious about it and wonder what will happen!

blairnative

I used to get sad about birthdays, and angry.

My parents seemed to understand though. i got a birthday and family anniversary day. i liked that a lot as a kid, and helped me remember how i wasnt just given up for adoption, but joined a family that really wanted me and were able to make space for me in their family/life.

its hard. hard on adoptees, adoptive parents, and biological parents.

as an adult, i used to get depressed getting birthday greetings from my biological mother. it was the one time i would think about that although my family was amazing and i loved them without limit, i was born to a woman who couldnt keep me. it bothered me that the same woman who signed me over for adoption wanted to celebrate my birthday for me, or with me. I didnt like it. We talked it over, and now its a subdued card and thats it, and I am much happier.

skyward

I have an overall positive attitude regarding my adoption. As each year passes and I come closer to that fateful day I am reminded that somewhere someone is thinking about me.

Jackie B

I've got a birthday on Thursday. In general, I like birthdays (except I'll be 35 this year! Ugh!). But every year, at some point I do stop to wonder if they remember. If they remember how old I am and if they wonder how I'm doing. If they stop to think about what I've accomplished. Holidays don't bother me too much, but I do think about them on my birthday. I'm not in reunion yet, I guess I need to hustle seeing as I'll be 35. It would be nice one day to spend a birthday with them. I don't know what to tell you about making her feel better on her birthday. I'm sure you've told her what I would love to hear -- that you thought of her every year (probably every day, really) and she was always in your thoughts. There's really not much else to do but make each birthday from here on out count and I'm sure you already do that.

ETA: Congrats Heather B!

Pooh Bear

No - no problem at all.
It was a birthday and my adoptive parents did everything they possibly could to make that day as special as it could possibly be.
And it always was.
I knew they were doing it slightly over the top because I was adopted and it just seemed like the wrong thing to do to ignore that fact and sit and brood about my 'real' parents.

These people who had bought the cake, blown up balloons, made sandwiches and played party games and bought lovely presents - well - they WERE my parents.

I never ever had a sad birthday. They saw to that and I loved them to death for it. God rest their souls.

Gershom

i did the same thing. I hated my birthdays, although I turn 29 this coming month, and I'm kind of excited about it. Ask me how I feel in about 20 days tho, i could be a moody witch! ha ha ha ha

kateiskate

Eh I have a love/hate relationship with my birthday. Holidays are really much harder for me than my birthday. I completely meltdown during the holiday season.

I guess since I am not really sure of my real birth date, part of me has always said to myself, "Well, it could have been another day that she had me and gave me away, it wasn't necessarily today."

~~ little miss horsaholic ~~

birthdays, especially mine make me fell a little weird, of course I like the whole present thing but I really enjoy just being alone. That was the case for my last birthday, I was with my fam in CA and they didn't know it was my birthday so it was kind of a secret one, I did normal things and I had a lot of time to think. I never really felt that way as I kid, I used to love my bdays but the older I got the more I felt a little awkward about it and I spent lots of time thinking about my biological parents (who I never met) and why they gave me away. This is the wayit goes for us, I'm 17 now and I learned to live with it but it'll always be with us..

Rowan

As a whole, i had pretty decent birthdays as a kid. I dont remember too many parties after i was 11(at Chuckie Cheese) but on the whole, they were ok. I thought about my real family on that day. I even used to wonder if that day really was my birthday, and not some random day plucked out of a hat(yes, it is my birthday).

Nothing too worthy of mentioning, except for my 16 birthday. My dad was gonna have a cook out on my birthday, and told me to invite some friends, but he only gave me a WEEKS notice! needless to say, not too many came, as it was too short notice for some.

Rebecca

Your daughter is a very lucky girl having you as a mother who is tying to do your best for her as all loving parents do. I know that when you made the decision to have her adopted you did so for her own best interests at that time - or maybe the choice was out of your hands. I am an adoptee, I never knew any different as my adoptive parents told me before I could speak - I never knew any differnt, thus birthdays as a youngster were no different from other 'non adoptees'. When I had children of my own and experienced the overwhelming love for my baby that mothers have I began to think about my birth mother and how wreched her life must be not knowing what had become of her baby. I traced and contacted her, reluctantly she met with me but she was not interested in an ongoing. relationship. It hurts. If I choose to sit and think about it - it really really hurts. She must have her reasons and I accept that we are all different. However, I am the very proud mother of four fantastic children who enrich my life to the extent that the hurt of my birth mother fades far into the background. Back to your daughter. Neither she nor you can change the past - no one can . It is the past. So what can we do about the present and the future? We can choose to sadden ourselves with the past (which we cannot change) or we can choose to celebrate what we have today. What your daughter has TODAY is a loving and caring mother who she can choose to celebrate on her birthday and her future birthdays or choose to sadden herself on her past which she cannot change.

Daisey Duck

I always loved my birthday as a child and holidays. They were always great. I like my birthday less since I'm older but that's because I'm getting older and don't like to be reminded of it. I also have not liked them since my mom passed as her and I would always go out to eat and spend time together.

Bodhi

As a kid I didn't have any sadness associated with my birthday. My Mom would remind me that "your Mom is thinking of you today", and I'd usually wonder for a minute or two if she really was thinking about me, what she was thinking, and so on - but other than that I didn't give it much thought. It hasn't changed since I've gotten older.

Philippa

My son told me he always has hated birthdays and the last two have been low key - he lives with us - but I have bought him birthday presents and cards since we have been in reunion (since 2004)

Weeme

No, they were fine for me. I remember being upset at my 11th birthday, because nobody had RSVP from school, lol, but otherwise they were as normal.

Steve

Today is my 47th Bday. I have always wondered whether the woman who gave birth to me is thinking about me on this day. At times, I've driven myself half mad thinking about it. I do not expect to ever meet her, as my records are sealed--way to go, Ohio. I take solace in the fact that my adoptive parents have 47 years invested in me--that's a lot of years of patience. In the end, my discomfort at not knowing who my birthmom is doesn't mean all that much. I mean, it's baggage, but everyone has baggage of one sort or another, and the world continues on it's merry way. I'm going to do my best to enjoy the day and not worry about things that are out of my control.

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