How did you start the reunion process?

cruzgirlz3

I can relate to what you saying. For many years I cautiously ventured out only to dart back in to safety fearing the very same things you are speaking about. I finally decided to throw my whole self in and search, partially due to some exchanges on this site. After arguing on and on against reunion, one poster here hit me hard where it really hurt. She found my weakness....my own kids! She blasted me for denying THEM their truth(and boy was I mad). I had never thought of that before. It was easy for me to deny myself my identity but, as a mother, how could I deny them? When I asked my girls what they thought, they all whole- heartedly said that they wanted to know where THEY came from. That was the permission I needed, I guess.

You are not selfish. This is your story. Your story is now your husband's, and it's your kid's heritage. You have a right to it. You don't need to apologize, or feel guilty, and you are not being disloyal to your adoptive parents. You have a history they can't share. Your search is not about them. It is about you. Yeah, you are right, you deserve to know.

I'm searching and running into dead ends. It is discouraging, but I figure I have lived forty years without not knowing, I can take it. I can handle the disappointment. Regardless of who I find, I want to know the truth. The longer I look, the more confidence I seem to be gaining. I feel empowered even by the search and you will too.
Good Luck!

Robin

I didn't have to search internationally. Hopefully you'll receive some good hints and tips about that part of your journey. But some things are universal. Like the concern over being rejected (again?) by our 1st parents. Or feeling selfish for wanting to look. Or worrying about causing trouble for our 1st moms/dads/families. Or feeling guilty & fearful of hurting our adopted parents. There are so many unanswered questions and it's SCARY!

I joined a search group. I waited several months before sending my 1st letter (before the internet) to be sure I was emotionally prepared to have a door slammed in my face - that I'd know the door was being shut on her past & not on me personally. I worried over how to make contact. A letter? Will someone unintended open & read her/his mail? A phone call? Finally, I had to be willing to accept "No" for an answer. It's not what I wanted to hear. Not what I hoped for. At least, I'd ask for a medical history.

I was fortunate. My birth mother wanted to meet me. She'd hoped I'd look for her...wanted to find me but felt she had no right to impose. And luckily, everyone (on her side) knew about me. My b. dad was a bit surprised, though not unhappy and actually asked to meet me! He told his wife & 2 kids and there was no drama.

It's been over 25 years (wow, how time flies). Both parents have since passed away - so I'm exceedingly grateful I searched early. It's the best thing I've ever done for myself. And best of all, I no longer feel so disconnected from the hidden (secrets) parts of my life or myself. I know the why's and who I look like, etc. etc. etc.

Good luck on your journey!

ETA: Ditto to what cruzgirl said. I have a medical history for my children & now my grandchildren. When my son had his first seizure(22 yrs ago), it became even more urgent to finish what I'd begun.

wynn

I'm not an adoptee but I successfully searched for my son's family in Asia, so maybe I can help?

I did have some information on my son's mother that I got while I was over there and from our paperwork. I joined some Yahoo groups for people who were from that country, and people who adopted from that country. I connected with people living over there who knew a lot of local people and put me in touch by email with people from that country who also spoke English. From there, I found one person who was willing to help me search. There were a few bulletin boards I found for families from different countries in Asia trying to reconnect, but they (this was eight years ago) didn't have much traffic and were mostly for adults who'd lost each other in resettlement camps.

I was told that there were a lot of reasons it might be bad for my son's mother to be found - definitely that I could unleash a world of hurt. But in my case, I had to be sure that my son's mother meant to give him up at all - that our adoption was ok. I mean, she knew she gave birth so if a stranger shows up one day and asks her a few questions that might be some trauma. But how does that compare to the trauma of wondering for years what happened to your child? So no, I don't think it's selfish to try to find your mom.

I can't speak to preparing yourself for what you might find because I'm not the adoptee, but once I started our search I couldn't sleep at night for worrying. What if I had to bring him back? What if I found out things that would break my son's heart when he was old enough to understand? Just to get by I had to squash that all down and keep telling myself that the truth is always best - provided you can find it.

Our search only took a couple of weeks and was confirmed with a dna test. Our searcher said that our son's mom was very happy. She told us why she brought him to the orphanage, she asked us to find her daughter she had given up years earlier and who we hadn't known about. We were at least able to get lots of pictures and information for our son. He's got a lot of health problems and we were able to sort out some information for his doctors with her help. We found his sister.

Katherine B

I found my birth mom this year and I am still trying to adjust, It was nice getting to meet her and her family and knowing that I have two cute half siblings is a plus. Everything went well but I am still trying to have a relationship, she calls me and texts, but it just feels forced in away, on my part it may be that this is a very new experience, and I am learning as I go. But before I tried to find her I did let myself have zero expectations about the situation, I knew that she could say no, so that's why I had an aunt call her instead of my mom. I let my aunt give her my email address, that way we could slowly build a relationship. And we are still working on this relationship. But my birth dad wanted nothing to do with me, in fact I found out that he didn't even tell his parents that he was having a child. I do not find it selfish at all trying to find someone who might not want to be found. you are a part of that person and you shouldn't be denied your family's history, and example being your medical history. I wanted to know my medical history and that was the main reason for contacting my BM, now that I have that from her i would love to have the information from my birth dad. Im not sure if i can ever get it but im going to try, his rejection doesn't matter to me because I know that my adoptive father is the greatest guy of all time, in my eyes. I say with my whole heart that I have no regrets during this process. But you need to ask your self, will I all ways question what if? and if your answer is yes, then i think you should at least try!

Best Wishes, KB

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