How do I break this to my birth mother?

I am seven and a half months pregnant with my first baby. When I found out about my pregnancy I decided to find my birth mother and try to see if I could form a relationship with her. She has been great, but it's not a mother-daughter relationship, which is understandable since I already have a mom. I don't really even know how to describe our relationship. In the beginning I would try to have lunch with her once a month and keep her updated on the baby. But recently she has been trying to get even more involved. Ok, so now my problem. I took her with me for my dr's appointment the other day, I usually take my mom but she actually had a dr's appointment herself. My husband died shortly after I discovered I was pregnant, that's why he isn't involved in any of this. Anyway the doc told me when I deliver she will allow me to have two people in the room. Making conversation she asked who was going to be in there with me and I said my mom and my sister-in-law because well she is a friend and I want someone from my husband's side of the family and would feel weird if it was his father. Anyway my birth mother got all excited because she thinks I meant her. I know I should have already told her I didn't mean her, but there are already so many emotions and hormones. I don't want to hurt her I just want my mom in the room with me. How can I explain this to her without upsetting her?
Additional Details
My doctor only allows two.

ultraryder

Don't know why your birth mother wasn't around,but since you consider your known mother to be 'mom" then you just need to explain to your birth mother how you feel.There is no way you can take away the hurt that she will feel.I do agree with you that it should be the woman who raised you that participates.A mother is more than a body that gave birth to you.

ziggysangel18

just be honest with her and tell her the truth. im adopited as well and i would be like hey im sry but imma have this person and this person. and just be nice and kind with her. and explain it,

Philippa

Try and tell her gently that you meant your mom (as in the one who raised you) and that you don't mean to hurt your first mother's feeling but you do feel more confortable having your mom (adoptive one) with you whenyou give birth.

I am a first mother myself and there are hurtful times but in your case (same as my son) it's not your fault as you didn't choose adoption. All best wishes with the birth of your child and that all goes well.

Independ"ant"

Try being honest with her.........I'm sure she'll understand despite being hurt. Invite her to the hospital.

Its up to you who you want in the room........you're not obligated to either your natural mother nor adoptive parent.

You're an adult and its your pregnancy.

Good luck.

Jennifer L

I would have a sit-down with your doctor and explain this. Maybe there is something that can be worked out or an exception can be made. Most doctors are not ogres and aren't completely unreasonable about these things.

Very sorry to hear about your husband. Good luck to you.

monkeykitty83

I can see why this is awkward, with the misunderstanding. But giving birth is a time to focus on YOU, the expectant mother, not on any of these other women. What it comes down to is that it's your experience, and you get to choose how it will happen. You're completely within your rights to say who you do and don't want to have there-- regardless of their relationship to you.

I would have a frank, non-confrontational discussion with your biological mother, and explain the situation. That it's not about you not wanting her around, but that the number of people you can have is limited, and that you currently feel it is best for you to have your adoptive mom and sister-in-law there. (Also, remember you may end up changing your mind at the last minute about who should be there, and that's perfectly alright.)

Make sure your biological mom understands that you still want her around, and hope to spend time with her before and after the birth. You aren't denying her the chance to know her grandchild. Just that for the actual physical act of giving birth, you need the support of your adoptive mom and sister-in-law.

Try your best to be polite, but don't allow it to turn into an argument. You don't have to justify this. Giving birth is a personal experience for you, not your relatives. They should be focused on supporting YOU, not on their own desires for the situation. Keep reminding yourself that you have every right to make this decision as you see fit.

allchildrenareangels

Just be honest.

Gaia Raain II

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. This has been a terribly emotional time for you, hasn't it? ((((((((HUG))))))))

How you deal with it will depend on what you want. If you could have her in the room, would you want her there? This is your baby, and childbirth is an extremely emotionally and physically draining experience. If you're not comfortable having her in the room, just tell her that.

My bff had to go through something similar when she gave birth a couple months ago. Everyone wanted to be in the room. When she gave birth to her daughter 8 years ago, she didn't say no to anyone (even though she didn't WANT all these people in the room with her), and it was so uncomfortable for her. This time, she just made it very clear to everyone that she will call them when the baby is born and she has rested.

I can see the dilemma you're in, though. There's not really an easy way to tell someone whose really excited to be there that you don't actually want them there. Just remember, you're not responsible for someone else's feelings. You're responsible for you and your baby, and your comfort while giving birth is very important...THAT is your priority, not your mother's feelings.

On the other hand, if you do want her there, I'd take Jennifer's suggestion and just call the doctor. If you want both of your mothers there, and the doctor won't make an exception, find a new doctor. Again, YOUR comfort is top priority here. When you're giving birth, it should be the way you want it to be.

Corn is not dog food! No wheat!

Next time it comes up around her, use names.

Say, "OK, on the big day, it'll be Sue and Patricia in the deliveryroom. Everyone else...{insert what you want birth mom to do}"

IDK!!

Are you having a c-section? If not, there shouldn't be any reason you can't have them both, unless that's what you want.

I had 11 friends and family in the room, plus 3 nurses, 2 docs and the G-pas to be with their ears to the door.

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