How do I console my friend whose adoption disrupted?

Independ"ant"

Try to get her to focus on the brightside...the children will grow up with their natual family.

Keep the focus on the best interest of the children.

Kazi

It is hard. All good reasons aside, your friends are human and it hurts. They thought they were going to be parents and that didn't happen. They have a right to feel disappointed. They have a right to their pain. They need to grieve that loss. Intellectually, if the relatives are emotionally healthy and are able to care for the children, then it is a good thing, and perhaps your friends can hold onto that. But that doesn't change that it still hurts. Feelings are not always rational and they probably won't want to hear all the good reasons why the children went to their first families right now. Your friends, like most APs, want to become parents to children that do not have families. Those babies did, but there are children who do not. They will have to be patient, but they will become parents. As for what you can do. Just listen. Any talk about fate or positive thinking probably won't help as they are not in a place to hear it. Let them vent, cry, whine, whatever. Once people are able to grieve, their feelings tend to become rational again and they can once again look to the future and become parents to a child/ren who need them.

ETA: As you can see from the thumbs down, there are some people who think that PAPs/APs are robots void of human emotion. Pfffftt to them!!!

ETA: But Anastasia, the babies didn't go back to their mother, they went to relatives, after the children were in foster care. Nobody said that wasn't where they belonged. We are just acknowledging that despite it being for the best (if indeed it was), as human beings, it would still hurt. We can agree that the children are where they need to be and still feel badly for good people, can't we?

aloha.girl59

That happened to me 5-1/2 years ago and it was difficult. We hadn't even met the little girl yet when her grandfather was located and said he'd take guardianship of her. It hurt. A lot. I know NOW that the little girl was better off with a blood relative who wanted her, but at the time, I could only think of ME and MY pain.

All you can do is be there for your friend. Let her vent. Let her cry. Hug her and try to comfort her. Someday she will realize that what happened was best for the CHILDREN and surely that's what she really wants. She just doesn't know it yet because she is hurting.

Serenity71

Juts be there for them. Drop for a coffee if she chooses to talk about it just listen to her and be a friend. Don't use any phases like.. "Don't give up. Or its for the best..." Just let your friend grieve in her own way.

The pain with be mixed for them, but don't turn away if she's not in a good mood when you visit.

I'm glad to see they have someone so concerned for them.

All the best.

(I didn't get to finish the post, motherhood comes first.)

Anastasia... do you think that AP's have no feelings at all? That was a very cold answer.

Jennifer L

I think it's perfectly understandable for your friends to have some mixed feelings here. Intellectually, the child should remain with his/her family whenever that's possible. But emotionally, sure, I think it's reasonable to also be sad about the fact that that child is no longer in their lives. I'm sure that loss is compounded by other issues: infertility, everyone else having babies.

So, my opinion is to validate the sadness. It's okay to feel sad, as I said, that the child is not in their lives anymore. But be sure to not villify the relatives of the child or the foster care services. I wouldn't necessarily avoid the topic of the new additions to the family, but maybe tactfully ask if it would be okay to talk about it.

Bottom line, be a listener, be supportive and encouraging.

ETA: Kazi, you're right. We aren't allowed to feel sad, even if the outcome is for the best. Wow. Good to know.

Crucio

What a hard situation I would just try and be there as a friend. I am sure at a later time your friends will realize that there are many children in foster care who need loving homes. These children were able to stay with their natural family however it means that another baby/child that is in need can hopefully eventually find a home with your friends.

Penny P

Similar situation happened to friends of mine. Be a shoulder to cry on, and an ear to listen. You can't make the pain go away or make them feel better. All you can do is support them. Time will make it better. Continue to invite the couple to outings and send e-mails and make phone calls to let them know you are there to support them. Don't always bring up the situation, try to distract them with conversation and activities.

Mom to Foster Children

Child Services should have done the search for relatives BEFORE putting the children legally up for adoption. I am so sorry for their loss as we have had to send children home (thru foster care) and had to do the "waiting" for family to come forward with the one we are adopting. All you can do is be there for her and her hubby as it's like a grieving process. I will say this though - it is really better for the child IF they can be raised by his or her birth / first (whatever term) family.

BPD Wife

Whatever you do, don't avoid her. Let her know that you are there to talk if she wants to. If and when she's ready, let her talk. Try not to say too much...let her lead the conversation. Let her know you understand this must be difficult for her but try not to compare it to things in your life. She's feeling completely alone and devastated at the moment. She most likely doesn't care if others have been down similar roads. She is feeling immense pain and most people do not understand or may criticize her for it. Just be there to hold her, listen, or cry with her. She will appreciate that so much more than anything you will be able to say or do.

Good luck to both of you.

sizesmith

I've had that happen 3 times. It's VERY hard, but I have found that in the future, I go into the possibility of adoption like it's going to happen. I have successfully adopted my son through private adoption, and his bio sister was actually one of the children I have had and the mother changed her mind 3 days after she was born.

Keep her involved in positive things. Ask her to go to the movies, an art show, or just to meet and have lunch, or go shopping. Avoid places like the baby department, or shows like Juno. Find 5 positives things happening in your life (and hers) ahead of time, like a job promotion, your dream home, etc, and focus on those things. Remember 5 things to joke about, and even gossip about, like the most popular cheerleader in school getting busted for DWI or something, to make her feel better (No-I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but things like that sometimes do work).

tish

this is going to sound like a snark, but...

life is not fair.

this is often what's told to first mothers/fathers and adoptees when they are unhappy about adoption.

also, another's fertility is NOT inter-related with her infertility. furthermore, she can't lock herself in a closet and never see babies or pregnant women. despite the prevalence of infertility, *fertility* remains common. hence, people will get pregnant and have babies. she needs to understand that her issues have nothing to do with the babies due in your family. honestly, professional counseling might help her place this into perspective and move on to a healthier place.

now, how do you comfort her: tell her that she did what was required to help these children and now they are back with their first family. instead of feeling "shafted", she should try to see the bright side of reunion, and realize that she did a good deed. this is the nuanced reality of adoption/fostering...the child has another family and parents. and the family (absent of abuse or severe neglect) will most likely be the most appropriate to care for the child.

but, somehow, i think her only view of the situation is that she wanted to become parents. in that case, she should realize that there are other kids in foster care who need loving parents...and are adoptable.

Mother of Many

Try to share your family's baby fortunes with a different friend, your friend just needs you to have brunch with her and listen to her feelings. Best wish's to your friend, I am sure her dream of being a mommy will come soon! Its sad for her, but its good to know that the babies are staying in their natural family.

Sly

I don't want to be a downer here, but that is the chance that she took by taking in children who had not been released for adoption. That is the reason that foster adopts are not a good idea. It has only been allowed in the very recent past, and in fact, up unitl very recently was specifically disallowed. Children are better off being with their own people, which has been shown time after time after time and study after study. Despite your friend's sadness that she will not be raising them, she must be happy knowing that they will be raised by their own people.

Texas just a year or so ago passed a law that specifically requires that the family be given first shot at children who have been removed from their homes, for a very good reason. CPS workers removed a child from home, and the family had completed all the requirements for taking her, but she was adopted by the foster family before the rights of the mother were ever terminated. It was a failure of the system so blatant that it changed the laws in Texas. It is called Nemoway's Bill.

Sometimes the biological family doesn't even know the child has been removed. CPS workers are human and as humans with the power to destroy and create families they can get ahead of themselves, taking on and misusing powers that they wield. Hopefully this will stop with laws like Nemoway's Bill.

Tell your friend that unconditional love wants what is best for the children, and this is the optimal outcome for a bad situation. If she is feeling sad it is for herself and not for the children, which is okay, as that is what ALL mourning is. Time will take care of that. There are thousands of children in foster care, and I am sure that there will be others that they will qualify for.

Carnie C

it's unfortunate...where the heck were the relatives when the kids were in foster care????

had the tpr already been completed?

Lillie

The same way you console an adopted child whose LIFE was disrupted.

Oh wait...adoptees are supposed to be grateful for that. Silly me.

mscrawdad

This is a really difficult situation for everyone involved I think. And it could possibly get worse before it gets better. Prospective adoptive parents have to learn to thicken their skin to make it through the process. And they need to more carefully determine the amount of risk they can handle when considering being matched with a child. I know a couple that had two little boys in their home for nearly a year when a Native American tribe stepped up days before the adoption was finalized and demanded the children be placed with a member of their tribe. Obviously, the agency had attempted to place the children appropriately with no success and matched them to this couple. The children went back into foster care as their were no Native American families to place them with. Four months later, they asked the couple to take the boys back and they joyfully did. Again, the finalization process was scheduled and again the tribe stepped in and stopped the finalization. This time they did not insist the children be removed and put back into foster care, though. Six months later a relative stepped up after much encouragement from the tribe and the children were removed again and placed with the relative. A few months later the relative gave the children back to social services and back into foster care they went. The couple was asked to take them back again and refused. The stress and strain had the couple in marriage counseling and the boys in counseling. The couple is divorced and the children are nearly grown now, living their lives in foster care being separated and bounced from home to home for the past 12 or so years. Both boys have spent time in residential treatment, psychiatric hospitals, and juvenile hall. It is a horror story that happens quite often I hear. The system is broken. It is difficult on everyone involved in it. When it works it is wonderful for some of the people involved and can be the best answer for everyone. But it can be a heartbreaking road and can end up terrible wrong for everyone involved. I wish your friends all the best. The best thing you can do for them is be there when they need you.

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