How do I explain adoption to a young kid?

â™¥Charlie loves Lucasâ™¥

Most parents, when it comes to talking to their adopted children about the fact that they are adopted, feel bewildered about what to say and how to set about the task of explaining everything accurately. You need not be anxious about giving the perfect explanation the very first time. If you fail to handle your childâ€™s questions satisfactorily on the first occasion, return to the discussion some other time and try to be more definitive.

One of the recurrent fears that adoptive parents' have is that their children will not consider them to be their "real" parents. Children often refer to their birth mother as their â€œrealâ€ one. It is imperative not to react excessively or dramatize the use of the term. This will only impede open conversation. Instead, explain to them that just as giving birth from the womb is a reality, taking care, feeding and playing with the children are also things that real mothers do. Ask them to think of the â€œrealâ€ mothers of their friends, who do all these things with her kids. This way, they will understand that the woman, that is, you, who is nurturing and caring for them is as much of a mother as the person who gave birth to them.

The most vital item that your children will preserve is their sensation in relation to holding the conversation with you. So you need to be approachable and quick to respond. If you can impart to them a sense of corroborating their thought process, easier it would be to enable them to understand any new facts in due course. Ask questions - try to find out what they feel about the subject of discussion. Encourage them to arrive at the solutions to their dilemmas themselves, through conversations with you. Correct any misunderstandings or false impression. Enquire if they want to clarify something. You need not tell them everything but do answer every question they might have. Young children usually seek information in bits and pieces, they fail to grasp a whole concept all together at one time. They ask one question, mull over what they hear in answer, and later return with more queries. Remember to ask them what they have concluded from the discussion that you had previously. This will help to dispel any misconstructions. Holding repeated dialogues will give you confidence and a clear idea about everything that they want to discern, and also about all that you want to communicate.

Possum

You should have been including her adoption story from day 1.
You may not want to - but it's part of who she is.
By keeping things from her - you are projecting your own feelings onto the situation. Please don't.
Don't make up stories like being 'chosen' etc. It messes with an adoptees head.
Adoptees need to know how they started life - the truth - not made up stories.
It's very hard to reconcile being 'chosen' - when your bio mother gave you away.
It's a sad start to life - but that shouldn't be ignored.
That's her truth. She deserves it. She didn't just fall from the sky.
She has two families - that's her reality.
If you have problems with her having another mother - that's your problem. Seek help to deal with that. But do not lie - and say you're her 'only' mother. That is not her truth. And to deny her that truth - is to fulfil your own needs - and not look after her best interests.
To be truthful - always - is a far better way to have a closer relationship with her - and she will respect you far more as she grows up.
Adoptees mostly love their adoptive parents very much - and learning their truth doesn't change that.
But she must be allowed to also love her first family - without interference from you - as they are part of her also.
She didn't ask to be separated from her first family - those were adult decisions.
Allow her to feel whatever she wants to feel.
Your problems with that - must be your own. Don't lay them on her.

I wish you well.

Bouvier

I am hoping that adoption has been a part of your language with your daughter since early on. With that said, you need to be honest with her, without saying too much. Do not deny "that she was born".......Tell her simply that her first mother, birth mother, biological....(whatever your term is) carried her and she was born. Then re affirm that you are her mommy.

tish_part deux

pixie, with all respect, this read more to me that you are more concerned with not being "loved" by your daughter, then having full disclosure about her adoption.

quite honestly, this is the reality of adoption. there was another woman involved. and you have to find a way to tell her. she deserves that.

be well.

Michelle P

tell her as much as you think she will understand. you dont want to hold anything back if you dont have to. if you do then she may resent you later or not trust you

Linny G

You need to figure it out, and fast. You cannot and must not lie to her, or she will NOT treat you like her Mom. A Mom is someone you trust...who always tries to do what's best. For you to lie or with hold her truth is plain and simple child abuse. I mean, come on- Im sure she doesn't look like she came from your tummy. You OWE her the truth.

I suggest you read "Twenty Things Adopted Children Wish Their Adopted Parents Knew", immediately.

You are asking for a lifetime of heartache for yourself, but more importantly, for this little girl, if you do not start telling her her story immediately.

Anha S

I'm shocked at just how many people advocated that you lie to your child. I shouldn't be, but I am. If you are afraid of her not seeing you as mom now, just think of what she'd feel about you years down the line when she becomes a late discovery adoptee.

I honestly feel that one of the best things my amom ever did for me was practice telling me my story when she first brought me home. I don't remember a time when I wasn't aware of my adoption. I think that if you continue to keep this important and vital information away from your daughter, you are setting both her and you up for a world of hurt the day her world comes crashing in and she discovers that you've been lying to her (and to the person who used lying about santa to justify this, you can't compare lying about something like that to lying about a person's entire existance!!)

Please sit down and really think about the reasons you are lying to your girl, and how she would feel about those reasons as an adult. Please tell her the truth

Sofiakat

You tell her the truth in kid terms depending on her age.
My daughter is 4 and knows her entire adoption story; however, I left out the neglect and abuse part in her natural home because she is just to young for that right now.
You just plainly tell the truth.
Kids are pretty smart. She probably already knows something is different. She may have even heard people talking about her adoption at a family gathering. She will love you like a mother because you are one of her mothers. She may also love her natural mother as well, but this should not detract from your role either. Don't be scared. Just do what is best for your daughter.

Lori A

I vote for the truth without all the cutesy embellishments. There is nothing wrong with telling a child that they were adopted, that their parents could not care for them properly and that's how she came to be with you. Instead of saying she was chosen, try " I or We simply fell in love with you."

You will be creating a trust between you that will be far more important later on than the curtsy lies serve now.

DevonChaos

I cannot fathom that you haven't told her yet. Don't make it cute. Don't lie. Don't say she was born in your heart. Let her know the real situation. You OWE it to her to be honest. It might hurt, but she needs to know the truth. Trust me, she will resent you more the longer you wait, or the more bs that you put into it. Let her know where she is from, that she has another mother, and that you were never pregnant with her. Going into this, didn't you think about what you would say when this moment came up? Why are you so unprepared? This is astounding. Were you only concerned with yourself? She needs honestly. Don't listen to anyone who tells you to lie, or that she should only hear it when she's older. I am adopted, and I've always known it. You need to do your homework, or speak with a counselor who has experience with adopted children. Things of this nature can and will effect her for the rest of her life. Be careful, but don't let falsehoods and lies perpetuate your relationship with your child. You need to not allow her to think anything other than the truth.

This is amazing to me.

AdoreHim

you can tell her, that she did not grow in your tummy- but in your heart. My mom told me that, and I has stuck with me, and made me feel very special- we told our adopted children this same thing.

1st Baby due 6/26/09!

Don't lie to her. Be honest, but at an age appropriate level. Kids are more receptive than you think and if you try to hide it from her, she'll think it's a bad thing instead of a wonderful thing.
.
http://www.exploringadoptionblog.com/adoption/2004/12/when_should_you.html

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/12/20/earlyshow/living/parenting/main661940.shtml

http://parenting.adoption.com/parents/talking-to-kids-about-adoption-amp-family.html

mygirl17973552

tell her you did not give birth to her but you chose her to be yours. Tell her you love her just as much as if you were to have given birth to her.

Joey H

I would tell her the truth if you think she is ready for it..Only you can make this determination though..God Bless You !

RO--X

Say:

Some peoples mummys can't actually have little boys and girls come out of their tummies because their body doesn't always let them. Some people do have little boys and girls come out of their tummy but they might not want them, so the people that don't want their babies give them to these mummy's which cant have a little baby, sometimes when they are young, sometimes old. And even though that little boy or girl didn't come out of their mums tummy they still love them like they would if they did.

I dont know if that makes sense or not.
Hope i helped.

Catherine J

A friend of mine is adopted... His mom always used to say "Your brother grew in my tummy, but you grew in my heart." When he was 9 he was told that he grew in another ladies tummy because the doctor told his mother she'd never be able to have a baby grow in her tummy.

So why don't you just say: "No, you grew in my heart" It worked well for her, but possibly let the teacher in on the story.

Just another piece of info: This friend of mine has often said that his mom and dad are his real mom and dad, he never wants anything to do with the lady who gave him away.

bic

just like you said. figure it out. only you know the right answer.

leiasophia

Tell her "you may not grow in mommy's tummy but you grow in mommy's heart...and you keeps on growing in my heart, sweatheart.."

Does it really matter ?

maybe something like this:

Mommy couldn't keep a baby safe in her tummy, but mommy & daddy wanted a baby so much that they found a mommy who could keep a baby safe in her tummy and after you were born you came to live with mommy and daddy where we can love you and take such good care of you.

Hopefully I helped. Good Luck

Mommy to 11 month old Jacob

Just tell her that sometimes other mommies have babies and can't care for them and that is when mommies like you step in and adopt those babies and take care of them for the mommies that carried the baby in their bellies. Tell her how much you love her and that she can ask you questions any time she wants and you'll answer truthfully.

Tamra

Tell her this: Another lady let me use her tummy to keep you safe because mommy's tummy wouldn't work. She said it was okay if I was your mommy.

Jess

That one guy is right, only you will know how to deal with this, you know the girl better than any of us. I can only tell you what I'd do. I would explain to her the next time she brings it up that she is a very special little girl and that she didn't come from your tummy, but that she came from a far land of Brazil. tell her a story about how she was a princess and that you are keeping her safe from an evil witch .

I tell me lil niece exotic stories all the time and she just eats them up. they make her happy. ^_^

Ethaninja

Say, you were born in a tummy, but a tummy thats connected to me in a special way. Or something to that effect.

shades of black

Say she was born in another tummy, but that tummy couldn't take good care of her so you took her away from that tummy to love her.

Venus V

tell her, it will make her research her culture and she is probably very attractive am I right? exotic looking she will be great when she grows up.

you cannot shield a child from reality, adoption is nothing to be ashamed of

Andrew

Honestly, it depends on the age. If she's still relatively young, lie to her. I know you hate it, but it's best for a young child. As she gets older...around 11 or 12, sit down and explain it to her the way you saw it at the time in your eyes.

lawlman91

Say that "it is an adult thing" or "you are not supposed to know yet" or something like that. If she asks why, you repeat your "adult thing"

Sam

Do you tell her Santa Claus is real? That's lying too. Just tell her that babies come from mommy's tummies. If she persists, ask her, "What do you think?"th

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