How do I force myself to like or even respect my son's bio parents?

I'm a foster mother to a gorgeous little boy, I love him dearly but I am having MAJOR problems with the fostering system.
Firstly, my little boy has told me, on numerous occasions, that he is being hit, punched and slapped on his visitations with his parents. The case worker appears to be a friend of the parents, and neither he nor his supervisors will hear a bad word against them. It's a very difficult situation, I believe they just want to get another child out of the system, at any cost.
Secondly, and this is terrible but I don't know how else to say it, his bio parents are just horrible people. They lie, steal, cheat, abuse their children, say awful, nasty things to them (ie, I wish I'd aborted you you good for nothing little $hit). Also, last week my foster son came home and told me that his bio mother had told him that I'm a "worthless c*nt."

I know I have to speak positively about his family, but they are draining him and me. Nobody in authority appears willing to believe that the abuse is still going on, and I'm the only person who seems to want to fight for him. I am astounded at how the system is working, and when I told my area manager that I was taking if further afield I was told that if I caused "any more trouble" I would have my foster son taken off me. How do I handle this situation?
Additional Details
ETA: Yes, he's definitely being truthful. He's only just 3 and never lies, and the things he tells me definitely sound familiar.
Also, a few times there have been slight marks left on him that the case manager claims are indistinct, but they do back up his story.

sweetjane

Ugh. Does he have a guardian ad litum? Anyone at all who you can contact...another supervisor? Honestly, I simply don't know how they are getting unsupervised visits if she has abused the child in the past?!?! I would see if they would allow you to come to the meetings...or tell them that the child is feeling uncomfortable with visiting alone...or have him talk to the social worker at your next visit. I am a tiny bit concerned that the child could be saying things that aren't completely truthful....but I only say that because I can't imagine that many people being negligent in their duties. Honestly, if it is absolutely true, then I would go above their heads.

MamaKate

Dear Princess,

There are several things you can do:

Document this child's injuries and statements.
-Keep records of dates and times of things he says.
-Take pictures or videos of any visible injuries.
-Keep any and all medical reports from ER or doctor's visits.

Document any threats or misconduct by Social Services.
-Jot down the things that concern you.
-Keep any answering machine messages, e-mails or voice mails that back up your statements

Get in touch with his GAL/CASA.
-Most children in foster care are assigned a Court Appointed Special Advocate or Guardian ad Litem who is supposed to represent the interests of the CHILD ONLY and is not affiliated with Social Services. They should investigate and report their findings to the Judge.

Make police reports about your concerns.
-If he returns from a visit with injuries, make a police report.
-If he conveys that his parents have threatened you, make a police report.

Take your complaints up the chain of command.
-There is someone over your area manager and someone overt them too. Keep going until someone listens.
-An internet search should easily provide you with the names and numbers of the people in your state you should contact.

I'm glad that you have taken an interest in this child and are so concerned about his welfare. Abuse should never be tolerated.

As to your original question, you must remember that this child's biological parents, no matter how terrible they are, CREATED him. You can respect them simply for that. Remember that this child, whom you care for and has done nothing wrong, still cares for them. They will always be a part of him not matter what the outcome of this situation is and to disparage them is also to cast a shadow over HIM. You should condemn their behavior rather than them as people. (I am curious how you know so much about them.)

Good luck to you and especially to your foster son. I hope that he has a very happy and healthy future ahead of him.

ETA: I forgot to add that there are several on-line support groups for foster parents. You may wish to see if there is a local organization as well.

ETA: If he is in daycare, you can also get statements from his caregivers.

Linny G

What MamaKate said. Perfectly said, true words of wisdom. Bless his little heart, and yours, and keep documenting!!

Sofiakat

Start documenting everything, including pictures of the marks. When he has a mark, take him to the doctor and have the doctor document it as well. In Canada a doctor has to report any signs of abuse when it is involving a child. Also, we were obligated and the doctor as well to fill out specific forms for our foster care worker every time we went to the doctor.
Make sure you include time, date, etc on you own personal documentation of the occurrences.
If you can, talk to the person who taught your fostering courses. Tell them exactly what is going on. Also, ask for everything in writing. For example, ask the area manager for a copy of her "advice" about the situation.

myst1998

OMG, that poor little boy. I would struggle with this too.

I am not sure of the legalities surrounding issues like this but start noting down everything he says, date, time he said it etc so it looks real and is there anyway you can get another case worker to look into this situation?

Don't know if you are alowed to do this but set up a hidden camers/recording device so you can tape him saying these things and take them to another social worker?

Sorry... not sure what you are and are not allowed to do in these cases but what is happening to this little boy is wrong :(

ETA: What Mama Kate said... she put it better than I can!

â™¥Love my dogzâ™¥

This happens a lot more than you think in situations like this. Biological parents have far too many rights when it comes to child abuse. Btw, you don't have to like or respect the scum that can treat a child this way. He has their genetics, but genetics don't speak for bad behaviour, cruelty or violence.

You can love and respect your foster son greatly without loving or respecting either of his parents.
Don't forget, YOU have rights too. You're under no obligation to respect the unrespectable. It's ok not to like these people based on their behaviours. As long as you support your foster son in his feelings, and allow him to form his own opinions, you are entitled to your feelings also.

ETA: Bring on the thumbs down. This person owes nobody anything except the little boy that she has accepted responsibility for. Everybody is so busy tiptoeing around biological parents, when the fact is that SOMETIMES, not always, they are toxic and belong nowhere near a child.

Be honest, some of the parents of foster children, most people wouldn't pay to babysit their kids.

Cherry

If he is being abused on his visits talk to the police and report them for child abuse.

vwvaporchick

What state is this in if you don't mind my asking? Are parental rights going to be terminated, leading to you adopting? If so it becomes even harder to stay biased.

Heather B

By respecting your child. They are living in your home through him; he is a walking talking part of them and although you may not like them, if you badmouth them you are badmouthing him also.

Dr Karen

As a woman who grew up in foster care and now I cant have a baby--Im with you 100% ! If I could delicately say though, you are not his mother. I know a mother's love is far greater than biology and your loving heart says you are his proper mother. I am so thankful he has you because the same dysfunctional family he has now is the same dysfunctional family he will have when he is an adult. When he is grown he will see you when he wants to. In the meantime try to see these idiots as being brought into your life to teach you something. I dont know what because this sounds tough, but surely there is a lesson here. The parents arent going to die anytime soon so if you love this little boy and will be a truly good stewart of his life and the honor of being his mom, you will find a way to honor his parents too. It sounds like you are doing great keeping him safe as you can. Dont win the battle and lose the war. God Bless You.

laina

talk to your lawyer. It can't be fair if the social worker is neglecting their duties because of their relationship with the parents. Try and adopt him, then you won't have to deal with them anymore.

John V

you dont have to like them! you have to develop a working relationship! If you have a prob with the worker call the supervisor if that dosent work go to the office direct then the state director then the regional director! You are this child voice be heard!

Meagan G

Talk to a lawyer and see what you can do, maybe you can find a way to adopt him, then you can take away the parents rights and they can never touch him again.

Kaden's Mommy

I'm sorry, Magic's answer is absolutely RIDICULOUS. I don't care what is good about someone. If they abuse their child and talk to thier child that way there is NOTHING that can make you look past that. They should be castrated and stripped of rights. Sorry I do not have an answer.. Just some support. My cousin is a Foster parent and wanted to adopt two of her foster children but the parents 'came around'.. Though she believes the children are still being abused.

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