How do I get my mom to understand that I deal with my adoption issues in a different way?

spydermomma

Well, the way you explained it here seemed very nice to me. I'm guessing it is a lot harder to say it with her crying there in front of you, though.
I think you have to just tell her how you feel and what you need to do to cope, just like you have told us. Something like "Mom, I really appreciate your support and caring, but the only way for me to deal with this right now is to focus on the legal side of the struggle. I just don't want to break down right now about this. I hope you can understand." And then if she comes back at you then keep saying some variation of: "Mom, I'm sorry I just can't do this right now. I hope you understand."

If it is true, it might help her if you also tell her that when you are ready to deal with the emotional aspects -- then you will come to her to talk about it all. >IF< this is true, if she is someone you would go to for a crying session (or whatever), then it would probably help to tell her that you will come to her, but you just can't do that right now and need to keep yourself together. Of course if your mom is the last person you would want to get all emotional with (my mom would be way low on my list, and I'm an emo girl), then you wouldn't want to say that.

I know your situation just makes me want to cry, and I don't even know you, so I can only imagine how your mom feels. But I totally get how you need to focus right now. I really wish you the best of luck with this whole mess.

ETA: I'm guessing Linny is right that your mom might be feeling guilty. I'd think that might be part of why she wants to talk, to resolve/absolve some of her own feelings. That may make it harder for her to hear you when you say you cannot do that right now. I think the "broken record" approach of repeating the same (nice) thing "I'm sorry, but I can't do this now." might be the best way.

I'm also wondering, respectfully, if this might be a good time for you to emotionally deal with some of this. I'm just guessing that there won't be any legal issues until the new year, and, well, I worry about you "stuffing" too much of the emotional things inside for too long. Only you know where you are at, though.

Best wishes,
Andrea

Linny G

Im not sure what you mean, hun. Are you an n mom or an doptee? What do you mean buy "any legalities"?

***eta*****

Oh, God, Im sorry. Im sure a few n moms will chime in and help you, sweetie. But, you know to get ready for some unpleasant answers. We've got your back!!!

As far as your Mom goes, if she had any part of the problem, Im sure she is feeling guilty....I dont know the situation, though. People who have not been through this just dont get it at all. I hope you have a good support system at home. Good Luck, and I hope everything turns out ok for you and your child.

kitta

Camira,

Your last question, that you deal with stuff in different ways, is a good way to tell her.

Since you are involved in a legal battle, it would probably be in your best interest to not involve your mother, unless your lawyer thinks that your mother should be involved.

Possibly, your mother's involvement could even harm your case. So, it might be wise to continue following your instincts. Sharing your thoughts, feelings,etc with your mother while a legal battle is going on could backfire. You never know how your words will be interpreted or where they will show up.

I wish you well.

tish_part deux

the funny thing about adversities is that we all deal differently. your mom loves you. and loves her grandson; and is reacting in a very appropriate manner.

conversely, YOU are reacting in an equally appropriate manner---it's just different than your mom's.

i'd gently tell her that you are hurting. you are upset. and you are being proactive to get your son back. and sometimes, emotions tend to muddy the water and makes it difficult for someone to "stand their ground."

we can chat more off board if you'd like.

on another note: there's a special place in HELL for your child's aparents. it still is beyond comprehension that they are fighting you for YOUR child. i mean, how do they sleep at night? seriously.

Jill_01

How old is your son?
How was the coercison/fradulance done?

Maybe your mom feels guilty like some of the others have said.

As far as your not breaking down and crying like she does - you just deal differently. Tell her that you feel, but you have to keep it together for the sake of your sanity and legal battles.

Penny A (Vanessa)

Just tell her that you are finding hard to cope with her emotional outbursts and probing questions, and that these things make you upset too. Tell her you are coping fine in your own way, and if you need to talk about it she will be the first person you go to. She can't know unless you tell her.

clever-hot-man

I think you have to explain to Mom wisely about being strong over emotional issues, that cry doesnt solve problems or makes them better. Encourage her and be good in your School or Job so she is proud of you, that will make her happy then she will forget more of her bitter experiences and sorrows.

tammmy s

Sometimes you have to be rude. She reefuses to listen. People say that everything can be hadled nicely obviously have never had a point to get across, about themselves.

You can't change mom. You just can't.

eharrah1

Just tell her to butt out. Obviously she has not heeded your hints before now. Just tell her you don't want to talk about it. Walk away when she brings it up and refuse to talk to her again until she is quiet. If she starts again, turn around or walk away again. She will eventually get he picture.

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