How do I go about forgiving my b-parents.?

AnnaBelle

Sending them a letter or calling them is different than forgiving them. You need to be right with yourself, and that, in actuality, has very little to do with them.

Ideally, in "forgiving" them, it would be a matter of finding peace for you, rather than trying to ellicit a response from them, which would likely be the purpose of contacting them.

Forgiving them ultimately has nothing to do with them. It doesn't need to hinge on how they do or do not receive what you are trying to say. If you'd like to contact them, it may be very cathartic and healing for you to do so, but again, it has little to do with forgiving them. Forgiveness is just about you, and needs to happen with or without their participation.

I'm sorry for the abuse you endured. You may try seeking out Al-Anon Family groups in your area...It helps to keep in perspective that the addiction is separate from the person. From my own experience, it has expedited my healing process immensely knowing that I can't change or expect anything from the addict(s), but I can let go of my own anger, still care for them and not hate myself for it. As far as the abuse goes, you may be able to heal from some of that too, just by recognizing how sick your abusers were. That's not to say that child abuse is OK...Only that you may be able to look at it as an adult who has done some healing and understand it on a more holistic level.

Be well, and I hope everything works out for you.

FlyingMonkeySwatter

Annebelle got the answer right. Forgiveness is a state of mind not an overt act.

cricketlady

You sound so very mature and well cared for. Yes, either of the ways you mention will be good--write a letter, maybe first. Bless You----but then again you sound very blessed.

Cherry

You can try a letter in the mail and its good to write down your feelings. Forgiveness is very hard and you must let some things go.

Cup of sherry

My parents died when I was very young. I lived with my grandmother for awhile till she had health problems and then my aunt put me in a children's home at age 6. She finally released me to be adopted at age 13 almost 14. I resented her for not taking me or letting me be adopted sooner. Now I am college my 3rd year. My aunt has decided she wants me in her life and now that I have a choice I say no. I wrote her letter saying no hard feelings but she is no part of my life now and never really has been. She continues to write and I don't even open them. I told her I forgive her but that doesn't mean we have to be friends.

ROBIN

I felt that way about my father for many years. He abandoned my mother, my sisters and me when I was 5. He showed back up when I was 14 and went back to his philandering, free-spending ways. He caused us so much grief that, when my mother died, I really wanted to just forget he was on this earth. I had to realize the he was who he was and that nothing I could ever have hoped for would change that. I learned to accept him for himself and not to expect anything greater from him. I forgave him for my own sake because the resentment I was carrying inside me hurt me more than it did him. To give you a heads up, he never felt like he had done anything wrong. Forgiving him, either in writing or verbally would have been a lost effort. What you should do depends on where your parents are now. If they are still using, then it won't mean much to them because, for an addict, the substance is more important than anything. If you forgive, forgive for your own sake, your own emotional health and welfare. My father died of complications of his lifestyle at age 72. I was able to shed some tears and say good bye to who he was, not who I wanted him to be. Good Luck, Honey.

Olivia

I would write a letter. In that letter I would put everything I wanted to say to them and feel about it all. After you write it, you don't necessarily have to send it but it would be good to get it all out. Then when you are ready, send it to them... if you want.

I just wanted to say that it is very amazing that you are taking the next step to move on in your life. It has to be a hard thing to do.

Rosie

Annebelle said it so well. It is an internal private process.

I'd write a letter and burn it and scatter the ashes over the world cup stadium at a goal and let your anger leave you at that time.

When I made an honest attempt to truly forgive mine, I was facing the ocean near our house and as I thought this to my self, a dolphin jumped high up in the air in what looked to me like pure joy, and the light from the sun bounced off his wet body into a starburst dazzling my eyes for a millisecond.

It was way cool. And quite symbolic of the exhilaration I felt letting go.

Pip

I'm going to give a slightly different answer to the others and suggest you vent your anger although I do agree with the writing everything down bit and burning it as that does help. You will get to that point when you will stop being angry then forgiving your parents will come much more easily than it it will at the moment. You have every right to be angry although I see it as a sign of maturity within you that you want to let go and move on with your life. There is no big rush to decide what to do and you may find it comes to you suddenly how to deal with this best.

cathrl69

I would write a letter. I don't think I'd send it.

No, I definitely wouldn't call them or speak to them in person, not as part of this moving on process at least. You forgiving them and moving on should be about you, not about them, and there has to be at least some chance that their reaction will not be what you'd have liked it to be. It sounds a bit as if you want not just to forgive them, but for them to acknowledge that what they did requires forgiveness. Just because you're ready doesn't mean that they are.

Takikio

Well it could go either of two ways. It could be great and a relief is taken off your chest or it could be complete hell and piss you even more off. I would call them though. Have what you want to say written down so you can tell them without faltering. This doesn't force you to see them face to face and it also doesn't require you waiting to get a response from them. Not everyone can raise kids. This is exactly why they have adoption. I would not completely forgive what they did to you mentally and physically but forgive them for not being able to be good parents. Only another human can heal those scars you have. Like my adoptive mother says. Someone can cause another great pain and leave scars but that also means another human being can also come along and through their kindness ease that pain and heal those scars. Your adoptive parents are those people that are starting to heal you. Just give it more time. 8 years isn't a long time at all. It can take decades for some scars to heal. Just confront what was causing you pain and get closure. Then you will be able to heal more. I wish you the best of luck.

Sylverbells

They don't deserve a heartfelt letter from you. Moreover, unfortunately, they won't be effective enough to be able to respond in a way that would satisfy you and then you would feel disappointed by this.

If you're pretty minded about finding a way of minimizing the pain and amount of time you spend grieving about the harm they've caused you, then you might want to consider trying neuro-linguistic programming (NPL). It's a big phrase, but actually quite simple and extremely helpful for doing that first huge push of getting traumatic emotional burdens off your mind and out of your heart. The easy to read book that I've used is titled I Can Change Your Life in 7 Days by the NLP/hypnotist expert (who had a TV special in England) Paul McKenna. Included is a CD to listen to at night to bolster your new thought processes as you drift off to sleep.

I hope you look into this book, and give it a fair shot with an open mind, as I found it to be helpful to me and a friend who read it around the same time. The author also has videos on YouTube if you're interested. some of his methods look a little odd at times, but I don't care as long as I'm able to get a grip on things that bother me.

Good luck to you. You sound like a good guy and in need of letting go of all that crap they did to you so you can move on and live the life you deserve.

Brooke

I think you need to be in therapy with someone experienced in this area. You're jumping ahead. Letting your b-parents KNOW you forgive them is not the issue. Actually learning how to forgive them, if that's really what you want, has to come first.
Hopefully your a-parents are understanding enough that you can approach them about this subject and ask for counseling. If not, wait until you're legally an adult and seek counseling on your own.

Estrella_84

the best to forgive is in person

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: