How do I talk to a teen about putting her baby (shes pregnant) up for adoption and if interested, to me?

LaurieDB

Being a mother may be hard work, but it is not up to you or anyone else to make the decision for this person. She may be young, but this is her flesh and blood child. She absolutely should be the one to decide if she will parent her own child.

My grandmother had my mother at 15. She raised her. She was a good mother. On top of that, within a few years, she was married to my grandfather -- the man with whom she spent the rest of her life. He was a good step-father to my mom. The two of them had also had a child together. I know plenty of other people who had their children young and raised them. Everything turned out fine.

Youth and economics are not adequate reasons for someone to lose her child. Many young people are capable of raising their children. You state this young woman could be a good mother. Don't attempt take away her first born simply because she's young and not well established yet. Plenty of young, married couples don't have a lot of money and aren't so very well established yet. Should they lose their children because of it?

Allow her to make her own decision.

IDK!!

I would smack someone for suggesting that my daughter who "could be a good mother" give them HER child just because she is young.

Jennifer L

Short answer: You don't. And you shouldn't try.

Andraya

You don't.

This is not a choice for you to make. Regardless of your personal "feelings" (your desire to parent and belief that you are more qualified to raise HER child than she is) this is her decision and unless she brings up the idea of adoption it would be quite heartless and crude to suggest it to her. At 15 she is well aware of her options and they are just that, HER OPTIONS.

Keep your nose out of her business. If she chooses adoption it will then be up to her to "choose" adoptive parents for her child. Butting your nose in with the hopes you will become the forerunner by default is tacky and downright deplorable.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

"in case the baby is NOT wanted."

how about "STAY OUT OF IT" until the kid even comes out and the girl decides for HERSELF without you putting the obscene idea of adoption in her head??????

what is WRONG with you?

diamo

You shouldnt be trying to talk a woman or girl into giving up her child if she didn't suggest it herself. how selfish of you. Now, if she has mentioned it or asked your opinion, then go ahead. but, I had a baby when I was younger than her and I lov ehim more than anything in the world and made a hard choice on my part to let him live with his father who can support him better than I can. I suggest you sit and talk with her about how SHE is going to care for her child and encourage her to keep it...children should be with thier mom and dad...and not be put up for adoption bc someone talked the parents into it..

JennaBear

Just because something is hard doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. School is hard, work is hard, frankly life is hard. You said she would be a good mother, so let her take care of her own child. It doesn't sound like you want the best for her or her child, it sounds like you want a child...specifically her child.

grapesgum

Entitled, much?

Although you "don't mean to sound obnoxious", you sound obnoxious to me. If you kept your baby, I am stunned from head to toe that you are not doing all that you can to support this young mother to parent. Why do you want to deprive her of her child? Why do you want to take her child away from her? I smell a rat.

Amy J

You said it yourself "she could be a good mother" then let you be a good mother. It's her child and if she wants to be a good mother which you said she is capable of being, then give her the love and support she needs. That will be what is best for her child, growing up with a good mother who loves her. It isn't about the fancy clothes or expensive lifestyle, it's about being loved and wanted.

MamaKate

Dear Humincat,

I don't wish to sound rude, but I seems to me that you might not have thought this all the way through. Some points you may wish to consider:

1.) First and foremost, I would be very concerned about the effect that placing her child for adoption can have on both you child and your grandchild. Adoption can cause incredible and LIFELONG pain to both of them. You should do some research into the perspective of First Parents and Adoptees. Go through this section and read some of the Q & A's before you encourage your daughter to place her baby - even if she brings it up. Adoption is a decision that should NEVER be made without as much education as possible. Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary issue. Your daughter will not be 15 forever - just until her next birthday. Please remember, adoptions should be about NECESSITY for the child - not the needs or wants of adults.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/open_adoption/index.html
http://www.originscanada.org/adoption_trauma/what_they_knew.html
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/articles/psychological_disability.html
http://musingsofthelame.blogspot.com/
http://chezblot.blogspot.com/
http://amyadoptee.blogspot.com/

2.) The father of this child also has rights. You cannot adopt your daughter's baby without his consent unless he has been proven unfit in a Court of Law. It would be cruel to deny him and more importantly, his child, a chance to know and love one another if he is a fit parent. Also consider that his parents, your grandchild's other grandparents, might also like to share in the life of this child. The child should have the chance to gain love and knowledge from all of his or her family. It is unfair to purposefully inflict suffering on loving families by dismembering them. IMO, it is terrible when this happens to children.

3.) Lastly, why don't you simply support and help your daughter to raise your grandchild. Offer free babysitting, teach her good parenting skills, etc.? If this is truly not possible; have you and your daughter discussed kinship guardianship? This is a great option which can allow you to parent this child without distroying the original family structure. It is also far less complicated and much less expensive than adoption. Guardianship can be permanent or temporary and allows the child to maintain rights to access his or her origianal and honest birth and medical records, which adoption would seal and lock away forever in 44 US states.

http://www.cwla.org/advocacy/2006legagenda09.htm
http://www.childwelfare.gov/permanency/guardianship.cfm

I hope you and your daughter (and if at all possible the baby's father) can come to a mutal agreement about what is best for all of you. (Technically, your daughter and the baby's father have ALL legal rights.) I hope that whatever is decided that this child grows up loved and happy and that your family can have a lhealthy and positive future. Best of luck and congratulations on your newest family member! :)

ETA: Sorry, I thought your were her mother. Either way my advice would have been the same.

Sophie

You should not approach an underage child and ask them for their unborn child.

â™¥ KiKi is going 2 be a big sis â™¥

what kind of relationship do you have with this girl? if you aren't a relative then you should back off it's her choice and I know you know this you sound like a very smart women. you want to have a baby and that's fine but I saw that you gave thumbs down to quite a few answers and they aren't wrong they are right you have to be very careful what you say to this girl she is not only a minor so you won't be able to talk to her with out her parents or a lawyer but you don't even know if this is what she wants to do. unless she has come to you and said I don't want this baby I want to put it up for adoption. you don't want to go hey I want to you to put your baby up for adoption so I can have it you don't want her to regret giving up her baby. you aren't a parent yet so you have no idea how hard that choice is and besides that fact that even if she says yes she can change her mind. my daughter is adopted and her mother had a hard time deciding what was best for her and that's why she picked me to adopt her baby so she would know she was taken cared of. you said that she would be a good mother then let her try.

Morgaine

I don't think that you should approach this girl. If you want to adopt a child, you need to go through the legal routes, contact an agency etc.

It isn't even up to her parents if she should place the child or not. It is totally her choice, and I think it is better for her to keep the baby. Even talking to her about adoption (and implying that you would be the better parents) is coercive and wrong.

You are only 27 and probably are still fertile, so if you want a baby, you should make your own.

BOTZ

Sigh...

And they say coercion doesn't exist today...that it only happened in the past.

The best interest of the child is to be with his/her mother. The child's own flesh-and-blood mother. Not a stranger. Not a more-financially stable stranger. Not two financially-stable, married-to-each-other strangers. Period.

I am here as the 'foreshadow' of the child because s/he can not speak for himself/herself. I'm not talking about the 15-year-old MOTHER, I'm talking about the unborn child. THAT child's greatest need is to live with his/her mother and have his/her mother's love and care if it is IN ANY WAY possible. THAT is more important than having married parents, or parents with money...or "more emotionally established" parents...whatever that means.

Pssst...Older does NOT mean more emotionally established. It just means older. And, you are trying to talk a young woman out of her child...that calls your emotional stability into SERIOUS question for me.

If you are motivated by the child's best interest, leave the MOTHER alone.

LindseyTaylor

i'm not against adoption by any means, i gave up my daughter when i was 17 and living on my own.

but if she doesnt want to what right do you have to try to force her? its a very personal choice you have to make with yourself. and if you dont honestly want it, it can ruin you inside

Francesca L

aw i can see where your coming from. at fifteen its hard to believe that she can provide a decent life for her child. the problem is, her parents are not her are they? it sounds like she is not getting enoujgh support from them to begin with.
i was pregnant at fifteen and i now have a two year old, i work and am at college. so im what could become of this girl and her child if given the right support.
it must be hard to take a step back from all of this but i think that in order to make this as painless as possible for everybody adoption should be the pregnant girls decision and nobody elses, including her parents

briz_chick_22

i do see where you are coming from, however i think is time people open up their eyes and realise that some young people are quite capable of being good parents - they just need support. You are in a position where you need to approach this carefully, talk to her about where she is in life and where she sees herself in the future, is she willing to change her life to adapt to motherhood and then discuss with her the choices she has available to her...include yourself in this option but do not pressure her into changing her decision whatever this is because YOU feel you could be a better parent than her.

XRAY

There are many factors to consider when giving your child up for adoption and trying to adopt. The decision, by all means, is up to the mother and often the father jointly. It can never and should never be a forced or pressured decision. You are not talking about her giving up the dolls she has out grown. This baby is flesh of her flesh. Have you sat down and listened to her about her feelings and desires and why they are? Her decision, either way, will be with her until she dies. I am sure you will make the baby very good parents in every way. But give her a chance to see this, to think about this without constantly reminding her of what she is not capable of doing. She too is still a child, and regardless of this situation, she still thinks like a child. She still needs to be nurtured, loved, praised along with so many other things. If she doesn't feel these things form you she feel that her baby won't get this from you either. Be genuine and helpful. She knows how much you want this baby. It's not necessary to keep telling her. Just be patient. We were patient and we will always by grateful for this most wonderful gift that she chose to give us.

anabanana330

i would talk to the parents of the girl or even the girls best friend to see if she has been thinking about adoption or not before you randomly throw it into her decision. i'm sure she's confused and stressed enough. just be nice and ask if she was considering adoption because you'd be very interested in taking care of her child.

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