How do you deal with finding your birthmother after 25 yaers, and your wife leaveing you because of it?

Andraya

Please ignore the ignorant person who posted above me.

It sounds like you could use some support from people who are also dealing with adoptee issues. Please visit
http://www.adultadoptees.org

You may find many of the people here to be hostile, just a heads up.

As for your wife I have to agree with her looking for a reason. A true friend and life partner will help their mate during times of stress or trauma, doesn't sound like your mate is very compassionate or caring and maybe a tad selfish as well. Congratulations on your reunion, it is often a rocky road at first but many will agree that it can bring much joy.

sunny

I was 22 when I found my mother, over 20 years ago. I commend you for your courage to search for your family and your history!

These two events are so dramatic, I'm sorry that they are happening to you at the same time. Your wife leaving you may or may not have had something to do with your finding your natural mother. To be honest, it doesn't sound like your wife was very committed to the marriage, or what is best for an emotionally healthy YOU.

You might want to do some reading. There are some great adoption books out there that can help organize the chaos that is adoption in America.

Lost & Found by Betty Jean Lifton
Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton
Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David M. Brodzinsky
The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler

There are some sites that you might want to check out:

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org
The site's founder holds nightly chats.

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum
Where lots of other adult adoptees share experiences.

Lillie

Reunion is hard. It is filled with emotions that an adopted person never even realized would be there, emotions that can surface with little or no warning.

Sometimes, these emotions can consume us...so much so that we unintentionally neglect other loved ones in our lives.

I don't know if this may be what happened in your marriage, but it is a common theme in a LOT of adoptees' lives when the go through with search and reunion...it consumes ever waking moment...and we forget that there are others in our lives who are still depending on us, who just don't understand the huge importance that this plays in our lives.

Of course this doesn't mean that any of us is doing anything wrong, it doesn't mean that there is a "problem" per se, but there seems to be little "support" for the non-adopted or non-triad loved ones who are involved with this by association.

I am SO SORRY this happened to you - for what ever reason - it's just one more emotional roller coaster to add to the already heaped up pile of emotions that you are already experiencing.

Is there any way you can salvage the marriage? Can you two find a counselor who is trained in adoption related issues? Is your wife open to reading some books? I would recommend the Primal Wound for starters, so that she might gain and understanding of where you are coming from. I can't sit here and analyze your entire marriage and the problems that led to her leaving from your one question, but from listening to other adoptees who have been through this, I can only guess that your sudden emotional upheaval was something she didn't understand.

If you love her, try to put the reunion on hold for a while and work it out with your wife. Include her in everything that you are feeling and let her know that even though you are going through some very emotional things right now, that you still love and need her too. Especially now.

Good luck, and again, I am sorry.

Adopted Jane

Please Ignore the Maureen Person
Maureen exactly WTF Do you think you are....?????????

If your wife left you because you found your Birth mother then its your wife who has the problem

I would honestly suggest some counseling asap
Its a little hard to answer you fully without knowing all the details , kids involved etc etc

I Wish you the best x

jgf5822

maureen's answer is retarted. you needed your mother.

come join us at adultadoptees.org.

Laurel J

I'm sorry this happened to you. My ex-husband was not only supportive of my birthmother search, he was a big part of it. We divorced for other reasons.

If your wife really left you because you needed to know who you are, then perhaps it was for the best. A support group and/or therapy might help.

Lori A

After relocating myself, my mother, and my two boys (then 5 and 6) to where my brother lived so we could share responsibility of my aging mother, my sister in law got me on the phone and was screaming I never wanted you here neither one of you. It's possible your wife was feeling threatened about having to share you with another woman.

PhilM

As others have said, reunion is an emotional turmoil. Many people report problems in their marriage because of the emotional upheaval. It isn't fair to you. But I'm sure she thinks it isn't fair to her. Still, her leaving you over it does suggest she wasn't very committed to you. That's a shame.

As for how you deal with it, I would seek out support (in person support group and/or online groups, like the ones Sunny mentioned). This is a very difficult situation, made more complicated by both events happening together. Be sure you have a number of good, safe people to lean on for support.

Good luck to you.

IDK!!

Sounds like she was lookin' for an excuse. That's sad.

goodquestion

Well, the fact that you searched shows that you are a strong, capable person. I don't know (you don't say) whether love and support from your adopted family is part of the reason. But, clearly, you have enough support in your life that you were able to do something that is very hard on a lot of levels.

I agree with others that if your wife chose to leave you during such an important juncture in your life, she wasn't really your helpmate. When the going got a little challenging, she got out. Even though it might feel as if she's rejecting you, it really isn't about you. She's putting herself ahead of your marriage. That's not what a loving spouse does.

As painful as it is right now, in the long run, you are better off without her. Just remember that you are a valuable human being, no matter how many times you've been relinquished. It's not your fault. It wasn't back when you were an innocent baby, and it isn't now.

HappyMomAnna

I would say your wife has her own problems to work on....

I was the wife of an adopted person and was at his side for many years while we attempted to obtain information...

We got divorced but it had nothing to do with these issues--in fact after we separated and our Last car ride together was out the the Adoption Children's Home that had placed him...

We had stood together so long in this effort to find information and hopefully a reunion that this act was one we did need to share together...

after all it was just as much about him as it was about our children...

I would have no idea why a loving wife would walk away over this did she not agree to be there in the good--bad times, in healthy--in sickness and til death do you part?

I can't even imagine why this is a problem for a woman who married you....really I agree with the poster who suggests this was some kind of excuse....

AdoreHim

I am SO sorry that your wife would leave you because you wanted to search for your birth mom. I would continue to search if that is your desire. Are you sure that is the real reason why she left- I cannot imagine that. I hope all goes well for you.

Joshua C

You should be happy. Think, you found the most important person in your life. Trust me; you were and still are part of your mother. That other lady who was your 'wife' could never do that. Plus, if that woman was truly your wife she wouldn't have left you. We have ONE soul mate on this world and only one. You probably thought that the ONE was the woman that just left you, but it wasn't, so don't feel any regret about it. you haven't found her yet.

Cheers!
Josh

LaurieDB

I am really sorry your wife left and that she used something so emotional and personal to you as an excuse. She had a lot of other issues, I strongly suspect. People normally don't leave their spouses when their spouses reunite with their first families.

My husband was the inspiration and support for my search. He's very happy about my reunion. Most spouses are supportive, and that's why it seems, like others have stated, that this is about other issues on your wife's part.

By the way, DO NOT listen to Maureen's response. How hurtful of her to make such suggestions. Know that she is very wrong in her assessment and doesn't understand.

If you'd like to talk with other adopted people who talk about all aspects of adoption and reunion, you can join at http://www.adultadoptees.org

Santa's Lil' Helper

Marriage = for good times and bad times.

Good Riddance?

Nichola H

i really feel for you i was adopted when i was 4 weeks old its so hard to find birth mothers . i think you re really brave to have done so I'm just sorry that you re wife has gone its hard for people to understand if they have not been their them self's . if you wanna chat I'm hear ti listen . good luck with every thing

jm1970

You didn't give enough details. Why is she leaving because of your birth mom? Is it just an excuse? Is your birth mom not good for your family?

Do you have other marital problems that have nothing to do with this at all?

Did you start treating her differently after you found you birth mother?

I disagree that your birth mother is the MOST important person in your life. She is important, but you're a grown up so your wife should be (if she's a good wife and you have a good marriage...I can't judge her with so little info)

If she REALLY left JUST BECAUSE you found your birth mom...good riddance!

Maureen S

If I read into this properly, if you were looking for your "birth mother" then you were an unhappy person, with something missing in your life. Your wife must have felt it, and you probably were not the most pleasant person to live with. If you were obsessed by this, then your attitude must have been pretty miserable.
Therefore, it probably was not just just that, it was your attitude that led up to it and what you acted like all those years, especially with your wife in your life. Sad that you did not make your wife and family your first priority, instead of living in the past.

Funny how we human beings look at things so differently. JOSH FEEls your "birthmother" was the most important person in your life. A woman that had either given you up for adoption, or chosen not to be in your life, for whatever
reason.

I would NEVER do either, for any reason whatsoever. But thereagain, having love for your child, is not the overall deciding factor for some people.

Hope you figure this out and realize what your life has been like, and what you probably could have lost, by choosing to think that blood was all important. It isn't. Love, caring, acceptance, looking after someone throughout their lifetime, is what real love is all about.

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