How do you deal with the pain?

myst1998

You don't. There is no way to 'deal' with pain that is neverending. No closure, no end, just forever with that pain, anguish and misery. You find a way to live with it but just when you think you have mastered it, the pain and agony comes from nowhere and cuts you down.

Another mother I know had a baby die shortly after birth and lost a child to adoption. She said the death was easier to deal with because it provided closure and was a validated loss and she was socially allowed to grieve.

Losing a child to adoption is a huge trauma, your psych is just not built to handle it given that it is against nature to place one's child in the care of strangers.

ETA: Don't listen to those who haven't been there and yet have had the audacity to answer this question... they have no clue what they are talking about and are being hateful and nasty. Listen tot hose who have been there and are not in denial (as denial is the first part of grief... it is possible to stay there for a long time but not forever). If you have not given up your babies yet DON'T DO IT. Fight to keep them whatever way you can and read blogs written by other mothers who have been through this....

http://mystere1998.blogspot.com/2009/01/lets-starrt-at-very-beginning.html

http://adoptiontruth-casjoh.blogspot.com/2008/10/what-kind-of-woman.html

Flying Monkey #073177

It's worse. At least with death you get closure.

MamaKate

Dear Kristy,

I agree with the first poster. Adoption is a never ending cycle of grief for many people who have relinquished their children. With death there is the knowledge of where your child "is", what they are "doing", if they are "ok". Adoption does not afford that and leaves people with constant worry and concern about the welfare of their child.

There is a quote about parenting that goes like this:

"â€œMaking the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your bodyâ€ (Elizabeth Stone)

Multiply that by about a gazillion and that's what adoption feels like to many parents who are not raising their children. Adoption (and parenting - but in a much more pleasant way) changes you - forever.

I wouldn't wish the pain I feel on my worst enemy. Yep, for me, it's that bad.

PS Don't let people tell you that "open" adoptions are not emotionally difficult. Even "open" adoptions can be/are painful and bring a whole other set of issues.

Lori A

Flying monkey has told you the truth. It is worse, no closure is the most devastating thing I have ever been through. If you are already feeling this way, I doubt you will make the long haul. I thought I knew what I was doing and barely made it out with my sanity.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Linny G has given you some great info and suggestions, use them.

ETA: SORRY, it was 4 am and I must have gotten my reading mixed up. It appears Linny had not even answered this question. lol

kateiskate

I agree with Flying Monkey and the others that say it's worse because you don't have closure. It will be devastating for you and your child. Keep your baby, it would rather be with you.

Kate

Do not give up your baby, it is a pain worse than losing a loved one.
A form of pain that you never get closure of.

Vanity

D0N'T D0 IT!!

I know what i am telling you if i was able to do
it with twins at the age of 16 with no help then
you can do it too! =]

dont give out your baby!!!!
you will never forgive yourself!

kitta

Having lost a child to death, I disagree with those who say there is "closure'..or that we know where our dead children are. We only know where their remains are.

A dead child could be anywhere and their actual presence and fate is unknown. There is no closure. Everyday is another day without my child.

There is a good organization called "Compassionate Friends" for parents of dead children of any age.

I would give anything for my dead child to live again.

ETA: if you have the option to KEEP your child do it! Do not relinquish. GEt your baby back if you can! But if you cannot, then look to the future. Adoption is not death.

Not being able to determine whether our children are alive or dead is torture.We worry about them, we have no control over what happens to them,and that is why we fear for their safety. So, if you can keep your baby, do it.

Adoption is less hurtful than death, in my opinion. There is always hope that you will see your child again. Prepare for that day. Be the best person you can be. Write letters for your child and save them. Save other meaningful things for your child that you can share with him/her one day.

Time will pass. don't let this destroy you. You need to be there for you child.

Peace, Kitta

bash

Luckily, YOU don't ever have to experience that pain. All you have to do is contact the lawyer and state that you have changed your mind. Please do so first thing in the morning. There is no reason for YOU to have to go through with this. Re. your other question: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AvIDF.NchS8i3zFL0L67vrlq.Bd.;_ylv=3?qid=20090201222425AAetMjl

DevonChaos

You have no need to suffer through this. This is your life. This is a decision that you are going to have to make, and put down your foot. IF you don't want to give up this baby, you don't have to. Your parents cannot make you. Simply don't sign anything. They cannot force this, and they can get into HUGE legal trouble if they try to forge anything in your name. Talk to your ob/gyn about how you don't want to put this child up. I'm telling you now, the pain never goes away, for the mother, OR the child. I'm 30 now, and I still think about my first mother and wish I could know her. It hurts deep down to my soul.

snowwillow20

You just deal with it or you go crazy. You have no closure because you have that little person out that should be with you, so you also have guilt and fear to live with. It's been 37 years 21 days and .....you get the picture.
I have been in reunion since 2001. I know where she lives, that she is happy and had a nice life with her adopted parents... except for the molestation thing, but otherwise a nice life. She includes us in her life, so I am happy, but I will never get past the guilt.

Independ"ant"

One day at a time.

Listen to the adoptee's and natural parents on here(not the Aps pretending to be one).

Anyone that tells you that you'll get over it or it will subside ....is lying to your face.

I chose abortion....and there is no pain, no grief, no wondering, no trauma.

Mom of 1 & Expecting!

Kristy, I would be the first that would say if you were set on adoption, to do it (unlike a lot of others on here). But honey, you know this isn't what you want. You're so close to delivering and know that you want to keep the baby... don't spend the rest of your years wishing you would have backed out. Especially when you know what you want.

Your parents mean well and probably want what's best for you, but this is YOUR decision. It doesn't matter that they've chosen a family or your church is expecting you to give up the baby. That means absolutely zilch. Zilch until YOU'VE signed the papers and given up the child. Don't forget that, ok?

Your life is now. Act now, or forever hold your peace. Good luck honey. I'm going to be thinking of you a lot over the next couple of weeks.

prego24

The best thing would be to give the baby a loving home with its real mommy. But, if you don't feel you can do that then you should definately consider adoption. Abortion is not the right thing to do. Thats murder. Adoption can be a really good thing for your child. This way the child gets a life to experience. Not all adoptive parents are bad. You are giving the child a home and a life...

Meyka

Yes it is, but I'm in counseling so it helps to know that im not the only one going through it. When I first found out that i was with child, I wasn't sad or angry at the moment, i was very happy about it! I thought to myself "Wow! I'm going to be a mother!!" But I knew that I couldn't keep my child( I was a single mother at the time, the boy just left) and that was the part that i didn't want to face;losing something that is irreplaceable and that you love with all your heart.Yes it still does hurt a lot but i think of it this way; it's not good-bye forever, its only I'll see you later.

Chasing Shadows at Midnight

I don't think it's a terrible thing to live with at all ... how could someone say death is better than adoption? (Not saying you did) But it's a great feeling knowing that your baby is able to live a good, full life. Why would that make someone feel worse than if they baby died? I know it's very difficult to have to say goodbye to a child, but who would rather deal with the pain of saying goodbye knowing the child is deceased?? I just can't stand the thought of a child dying, I can live with a child being able to live with someone else (maybe not as happily, but I want to know they're safe).

Siver C

well pity party hey!

That child is alive and most likely very loved and cared for... why not think about the kid and NOT your own selfish needs.

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