How do you feel about concurrent adoptions?

Possum

Great points.
What so many people just don't realise - is that adopting IS NOT THE SAME as having bio kids.
Adoptees are often in need of much more attention that your average bio kid.
Much more.
Sadly - adoption has become such a multi million dollar industry in the USA - no one gives a rats a** about what these kids really need.
They just care about getting the children they've always dreamed about.
Adoptees need extra one on one time - especially when they first come to a new home.
We're talking kids that have a messed up start to life.
They need max attention - max care - max love.
It's tragic that too many adults just think of their own wants and desires - and just don't think about the best interests of the children.

spydermomma

I've seen this too, and it worries me. I was setting up a group to work on lifebooks together, and one woman bowed out because she had something like a 3 year old and a 1 year old from China and was just about to adopt twins from Vietnam, plus, somehow, one other under 5. And so she thought she might be a little overwhelmed. Um, yeah...

This is one of the things that worries me about Angelina Jolie also. Sure, her kids have plenty of people around (I heard they each have their own nanny?), but do they have actual >parents< around enough? And I just don't think they possibly could, not with so many adopted (and born) so close in age and timing. And the thing is, even if >their< children were perfectly raised and attached and adjusted (no such thing, obviously), the bigger problem is that their very public example normalizes adopting a lot of kids in a short time period, so more people think this is a normal and healthy thing to do.

And generally I think it isn't, or at least the odds are against it. Adopted children, especially those adopted after they are a month or so old, and especially those adopted transracially, need a lot more attention and care than kids born to you. I carried our daughter almost full time for months after we met her and much of the time for years, and still 3 years later she is still just a bit anxiously attached, I think. And she's a very healthy and smart kid who I can tell got a lot of stimulation in her foster home. What happens with children from orphanages, or other children with developmental delays or other special needs? How can you address those needs, seek out community resources, attach to your child, cook and do laundry for heaven's sakes! -- while paperchasing and traveling to adopt another child? I think in most cases you really can't. And I worry about these kids.

I do understand the aching desire to be a parent. Oh yes. And I empathize with the need for this to happen right away and the way that online groups can get people really anxious for this to happen RIGHT NOW!!! There is so much about groups for PAPs that focuses on >acquiring< the child that the hard work of parenting an >actual child< with significant needs can kind of get lost. I think it is up to agencies to be firm with PAPs and tell them that not only is this a bad idea, but enforce that they cannot do this and if they do it will mean their pending adoption will be cancelled. The thing is, I have heard that some PAPs are using multiple agencies and not telling them they have another adoption (or pregnancy) in process. For international adoptions, the immigration service could also deny adoptions too close together. Maybe the Hague will help a little for international. But if they adopt domestically and international? Or carry on with an adoption even though they give birth to a child that will be the same age? I don't think there are any safeguards -- but I think there should be. Can it work out in some families? Yes, sometimes. But it is absolutely not something to be done lightly, and in my opinion should never be planned out by waiting parents who have no actual experience parenting even one child yet.

Good question!

monkeykitty83

It raises concerns for me. If either child turns out to have a serious issue, this is going to be a major problem-- and even if not, it allows very little time for the parents to focus on bonding and transition. I would really prefer to see adoptions spaced out more.

The exception would be for biological siblings. I think every effort should be made to keep them together.

For unrelated children, I view concurrent adoptions with caution, to say the least.

kims

If people want more than one child why not adopt a sibling group? There are so many of them waiting.

We adopted four siblings who had been waiting for more than a year in their orphanage. While they did all need my time and attention in getting used to things here the support they were able to give each other is worth ten of me. When one of the children is missing her mom (who passed away) I can give her my love but the real comfort comes from her siblings who suffered the same loss.

Another thing about siblings that made my parenting job easier was that I get the benefit of hearing them sharing their reactions to things. They aren't self conscious when they talk to each other so I know right away what they think is strange or wonderful or hard about life here.

Peaness

Since so many people want to keep comparing having bio kids to adopting let just say that doctors highly recommend parents who have bio children to wait at least 18 months between children...that's having your own children. Of course part of the reason is physical pregnancy/labor reasons & some choose not to listen. I agree that there should be a minimum of 18 months between adoptions.

I do understand what AP's are trying to do but in doing that I can already see children not receiving the proper 'bonding period' with the AP's without feeling like they have to fight for attention...this is if the adoptee doesn't have additional needs or issues to meet. It took me at least six months to even start showing any real 'attachment' to my AP's...imagine if I had to share that time with somebody else they had to prove their love and give attention to. I was not one to 'fight' for attention amongst the other kids in the orphanage & I guarantee that wouldn't have changed if I had to share the attention with another new sibling adoptee...most likely it would have taken much longer for me to even feel that I had a 'special place' in my new home.

Jennifer L

I don't like concurrent adoptions.

Our adoption agency didn't allow it (and I completely supported it). They also would now allow someone to start the process if they were pregnant because the feeling was that an internationally adopted child needs a lot of focus and individual attention.

ETA: This does NOT apply to sibling group adoptions, btw. Sibling groups should not be split apart.

mrs_blasor

I haven't really thought about this topic before. I have 2 kids and one on the way. I have enough love (and more) for all of my kids. Both my girls get some one-on-one Mommy Time everyday. I believe adoptive parents LOVE their babies before they ever get to meet them, just like I love the baby growing inside of me right now. I think if the AP have a stable family environment and the resources to pursue concurrent adoptions, they should be able to without us criticizing their decision. How many other families have their own natural children back to back without being judged for it?

Most of the children being adopted are under 3 usually. At that age, transistion is fairly easy. I understand the difficulty of travel and settling in, and that takes time. But a lot of children who are adopted have older siblings, should that discourage someone from adopting? How will the siblings react to one another, etc.? I believe that PAP should be able to love as many children as they can, just like we can!

Sly

I think it points out clearly who adoption is really about.

Angela R

I also have a lot of concerns about concurrent adoptions, or when an adoptive mother becomes pregnant after being "matched" with a child, meaning the children would join the family within a few months of each other.

I know our agency has a very strict policy against this. We were told that there needed to be at least 1 year in between placements (except for a sibling placement) so that the child would have time to adjust and be given the attension they need before another child joins the family. We were told that if a family was placed with another child, was refered another child for adoption, or if the adoptive mother became pregnant during the process, they would not be able to complete the process, and if they'd already been "matched" with a child through our agency, then another adoptive family would be chosen for the child.

I'm suprised with all of the new more strict rules that China has, that they even allow this. Also, with the waiting list for China being so long, it seems like this would just make it longer if people are putting their names on the list while starting the process for another adoption, rather then just pursing another country or adoption route instead.

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP

Sly took took the words right out of my mouth

Gershom

"My concern is if the children are brought home in a close timeline that they won't receive the attention they require to help them feel comfortable in their new home, and if they are adopted abroad, then they would also need support and help adapting to a new culture."

Amen!

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.

I also understand the concerns and think they're very legit and need to be considered..

but I also think CP has a good point.. If CHina does take 5 years, putting your name on the list while working toward adoption from another country doesn't necessarily mean that you would get two children "too close together" If you did get your "china" referral sooner than you expected, you could decline and wait for another referral in a year or so..

And for those who think Aparents are just "selfish" in wanting an "instant family" I want to ask you to refrain from judging... It always helps to try to understand where the other people are coming from.

One reason that adoptive parents may not want to wait FOREVER might have to do with their age, especially if they didn't know they were infertile until after marriage and a couple years of trying for a child. Now please don't mistake me.. I am NOT saying that a slightly older couple can NOT make great parents.. that's not the point..

But coming from a family history of MAJOR age gaps (79 years difference between my grandmother and me.. do the math.. that means she died when I was 11 and she was 90. she never knew who I was... Alzheimers... And there was 37 years between my father and me) I can sympathize with couples who see the benefits of having a family while they are still young. One benefit is the children having grandparents.. something I never really had.. So.. it's best not to judge people as "selfish" and "gimme gimme now" Just because they are trying to create a more ideal situation.

I could go into my family history, but I won't.. anyone wants more detail, they can just ask me..

With my father gone and my mother already 63, It certainly would not be for MY selfish benefit that I wouldn't want to wait much longer to have a family.. it would absolutely be because I would be thinking of my child...

sunny

As the mother of 'spontaneous' twins, I can assure you having more than one new child come into your life at the same time is not recommended.

There's not enough MOM to go around, and someone is always shortchanged.

As someone in concurrent adoptions I understand your concerns, they were also our concerns before we moved forward with the second adoption.
While we are adopting from 2 countries the likely hood that we would receive our referral from China anywhere near our other referral is extremely remote. Should that indeed happen our agency requires 1 year at home with the 1st child before a second child can be placed and we would be required to turn down the referral from China.

Sophie

I think it's a fine idea. I have no problems with that at all. Many people can parent more than one child. As long as they pass a homestudy and can care for the children, I say they should go for it.

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