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C K Platypus
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You don't. If you went through an agency, see if they offer counseling. |
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maidmarion15
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You really need to go to counseling of some sort. I live in rural KY and there is free counseling available here so you should be able to find it no matter where you live. |
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Tinkerbell
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I cannot say that one ever "gets over" grief, you just learn to deal with it. I am sorry to hear of your news, but you must have had your reasons, remember those reasons. God be with you in your time of suffering. |
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Sarah
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Both of the first answers are great. You don't really get over it. I gave my first baby up for adoption almost 7 years ago, and I still think about her every single day. It does get easier with time. Just keep in mind that you did the right thing, for your baby, for yourself, and for the new family. Please email me if you'd like. |
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TrophyWife
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I cant imagine that heartache but major kudos to you for loving your child enough to carry her/him to term!
Ive never done that but my 3rd child died soon after his birth last year. The grief for me has yet to end. It took 8 months to even accept that it actually happened. You need counseling, that #1 right now. And you did it most likely because you felt it was for a better life for your child. You need to hold your head up high for the strength it took to carry her to term and than give her a new family. Your a strrong woman for that. Always keep her(him) in your heart. She may have a new family but she'll always be your lil baby. |
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lindz
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I don't know. I just did the same as you less than two weeks ago. All I can offer is an ear and shoulder. Feel free to email me if you want, I understand. |
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lahdh4
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It really isn't a question on how do you get over grief. It is more about how do you deal with it and have good days to go with the bad. It has been 3 years and I have an open adoption. It is tough. You go thru cycles were you are up and then you are down.
Did you go thru an agency? I ask because many offer post placement counseling and depending on the agency the aparents pay for an x number of visits.
Can you go to your doctor and try medication? Again, many of done this and it isn't a stigma.
I belong to anumber of groups and when I am having a really hard day I go to one in particular and vent and let everything out and I know there will be others there who know what I am going thru and don't give me the answers I don't want to hear.
I hate to say it but I read many of them here. Through this group I have met some really amazing women and have made anumber of friends.
(((HUGS))) |
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curiously me
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It will take you some time. Even grandmothers grieve over over an adopted child. However the knowledge that what you have done is in the childs best interest should help you, also the knowledge that when that child is 21 you may be able to get together if you both want to. From my experience most adopted children while still loving their adopted parents wish to find their birth Mother. It seems to be a fundamental need and most are able to have a loving relationship with them. Most people who adopt really really want to love and raise a child that should ease your mind. |
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Bouvier
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Of course you are grieving, you made the ultimate sacrifice, and you deserve to feel the way you do. I can tell you this, what you gave to another couple can never ever be repaid in any shape, fashion or form. I guarantee you this.........He/She is being loved like no other....They are doing EVERYTHING they can to make sure that baby has everything he/she needs.
Do you have an open adoption? If so, you can send pics and letters to the agency, or possibly through the legal avenue you went through for the adoption. If not, start journaling. Journaling is soothing, but also, puts your thoughts and emotions right there in front of you. Take walks, join a support group! Most agencies offer meetings for birth parents, you may find this is one of the most rewarding things you can do for yourself, to interact with others,just like you.
I hope that you feel better about your decision soon. You will always think of your child, that is the hardest part. Hopefully one day you will reflect back on this, and know that what you had to do, was best for you and for your child. I wish you Peace. |
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CHERYL
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YOU WILL ALWAYS GRIEF.BUT EVERYDAY YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE,YOU WILL THINK I DID THE RIGHT THING FOR MY CHILD.WAS IT A OPEN ADOPTAGE OR WAS IT CLOSED. IF IT WAS A OPEN ADOPTIVE:YOU WILL STEEL GET TO SEE THE CHILD AND GET PICTURES AND HEAR ABOUT THE BABY. IF IT WAS CLOSED THEN NOTHING WILL HAPPEN. BUT JUST REMBER ITS WAS A GOOD THING YOU DID FOR SOMEBODY THAT CAN NOT HAVE A CHILD.IT WILL TAKE A LONG TIME BUT YOU WILL GET THOUGH IT.YOU WILL ALWAYS REMBER YOUR CHILD...IF YOU ARE NOT SURE WHAT YOU DID IS RIGHT THEN IF YOU HAVE NOT ALL THE WAY PASS YOU DAYS OF CHANGING YOUR MIND THEN GO AND GET THE CHILD....I'M NOT TELLING YOU TO STEEL THE CHILD BUT LET THE LAWYER KNOW YOU HAVE CHANGED YOUR MIND....BUT BEFORE YOU DO THAT PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU ARE REALLY FOR EVERYTHING THAT WILL HAPPEN...THINK ABOUT THE BABY FIRST....GOOD LUCK AND BE STRONG |
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Rach
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Some adoption agencies encourage the birth mothers to stay in contact with the adoptive families. Is that an option with the one you went through? That may be a way to help you with your grief. I would also recommend counseling. I wish you all the best. |
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conim2002
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Bless your heart! ..... I am the mother of an adopted son.
Not a day goes by that I don't thank the Lord for my beautiful child and the great sacrifice that women like you make.
Please know that your great sacrifice is not taken lightly.
I most likely will never be able to thank my son's biological mother for giving him life.....but you can bet I will teach my son, as he grows and is able to understand, that he does have a biological mother. Never will I minimize her importance in his life. God bless you! |
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callie=]
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It will be very hard. My friend back in high school got unfortunately pregnant, and her aprents wouldn't let her keep the baby, so she went up for adoption. She has a home now, but my friend had to go through conseling to feel better. Don't worry, this may be better for your baby. |
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BPD Wife
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First, I wish I could give you a hug right now. :) You must really be going through a ton of emotions. Do you have anyone you can talk to - perhaps someone thru the agency or the church? Most agencies have counselors for this sort of thing. If you did not use an agency, call the hospital where you gave birth and ask if they have someone that can help. Many times they have programs available or may even be able to put you in touch with other bio-moms.
I wish there is something I could say to you right now to make you feel better, but I know there isn't. But I am sending hugs your way. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't say an extra prayer for all of you wonderful women who have made an adoption plan for your child. It is what has allowed me to become a Mother. Thank you. :) |
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Patty
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yes, i gave up a baby for adoption as well, 7 1/2 years ago. and no you never get over it. the things that helped me were taking comfort in my decesion and that it was made out of pure love and as his first mother. knowing i did it for his happiness. NEVER regret your decesion. and mostly you will see her again and she will know that you love her |
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Jennifer S
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Honey, the grief process can be as hard or as 'easy' as you choose it to be. Placing a child is very difficult for many people. I did go thru a grief process, but it was short-lived--mainly because I know in my heart and believed in my heart that this was the best choice for everyone around.
I chose his parents. I wanted people just like my folks who chose me to adopt.
Best thing I've ever done in my life because I knew that I wasn't ready to be a mother, I didn't want to be a mother yet.
Best for him because I wasn't ready.
Best for his family--my God they're awesome!! Wonderful people.
Best for my now husband. He wasn't ready either.
It takes time. Every year is an anniversary. And every year I make a choice to celebrate the fact that he's where he should be. I celebrate that he's an awesome kid, that he's healthy, happy, smart, loving, caring. Sure, there's some brief sadness, but that's overridden by the fact that he's loved by his family. 18 years have come and gone. He's a grown man now. He's talented, smart, hard working, loving, and he's loved. I thank God for his parents every day. |
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italianstalian9965
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im 41 and found my birth mother and she has/ had the same problem as you .shes never got over it and she never will shes thought about me all these years and she never ever contacted me once i had to and my mother do searches and look for herget the child back or wait till its old enought to contact him/ her and keep it in your life forever |
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Florida~Girl
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i have been in this situation myself! i got pregnant at a very young age. i felt uncomfortable with an abortion and chose adoption. while i was pregnant, it was hard to consider, but i was ok with it. once i had the baby, i had second thoughts. i wanted to see her and they sugested i didnt, but i demanded! i still had the option to change my mind, but all in all, i put her first instead of me! even though you gave your baby up for adoption, you are his/her mother and it is your responsibility to give that baby the best life it could have! and if that means that it is with someone else than so be it. it is a very sad thing, but dont let emotion get in the way. think of everything they will have, that maybe you were unable to provide. you did the right thing. i dont know how your arrangements are, but some people are allowed to see their kids when they get older and they get to establish a relationship with them! maybe if you know the people who adopted the baby, write letters to see how everything is, ask for pictures once in a while... what you did was probably the hardest thing a mother has to do, but be thankful that you had the common sense to do it.. everybody wants to be a good provider for their kids, and give them things they never had. look at all the young mothers that kept their babies, and cant afford to get them new toys, or maybe a new outfit. or that cant afford to take them to do any extra curricular activities. some parents cant even afford food or milk without help from the state. just be thankful she is healthy. and understand what you did was for the baby! |
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emnari
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you need to realize you did the right thing for you and your baby and even though its hard on you right now you'll see that as each day comes.
you need to see a counselor or talk to someone about your grief ... it's normal ... but also your hormones are really out of sync with your body ...
you'll never get over the grief .. it'll just get easier to live with. |
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Susan
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I am really sorry to say this, but you will never ever in your life get over the grief. I do not know anyone that ever has. My mother still cries herself to sleep at night over a child she gave up for adoption over 40 years ago! All you can do is try your best to stay strong, and think positive. Try to think about something else, even get extensive counseling. |
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Amanda
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I don't know exactly what steps you can take... but I can tell you that I'm adopted. My mother put me up for adoption when I was a baby. I love her dearly and I know that it's what she needed to do at the time... I don't love her any less and I understand. Every adopted child eventually comes to realize the blessing their birthparents were selflessly willing to give them my placing them up for adoption. You'll be okay. As will your child. God bless. |
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~Blonde~
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Honey it will be really hard for awhile but jsut think you made a familys dreams come true you gave them something that no one else could. If oyu gave the baby up than you know that its adoptive parents will give him/her what you couldnt. I t will be hard and you will always love the baby no matter what and you can be there for it. Good dear maybe try some counseling. Best wishes. I hope I helped! |
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acceptancewithjoy20
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When the baby is an adult you can find the baby. |
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Shortstuff13
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One never gets over grief but we just learn to cope a little easier as each day passes by. I'm so sorry that you had to make the choice you did but you must have done so, after giving it great thought. Of course it's been hard on you emotionally & that's understandable. As painful as it was for you, just have faith & believe that what you did was the best thing for your baby. I hope the days to come will be easier for you to bare. Here's a big hug!!!! :) |
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lex69rulz
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I don't know your reasons for giving your baby up for adoption, but I think you are a very brave and loving mother! To do this must have been so hard and yet you have made someone soooo happy. More than likely you will always greive though I hope your pain lessens with time. Talk with a close friend and take the time to keep a journal. Write in the journal at least 1 a week and make your letters to your child! If he or she comes looking for you on their 18 b-day then let them have it. That way they will know they were ALWAYS first and foremost in your heart and mind! |
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Zirafka
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It is very hard to cope with it emotionally. The hardest think is, that you will never ever get completely over it. No matter how hard you try you will always think of the baby ? But take it from the other side. You have made someone very happy, and they will love your child from all the heart. My friends adopted that way a little boy (they new biological mother, it went through a lawyer ) and he is all they have, they will love him till the end of their lives. Wishing you good luck !!! |
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chris a
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Ruth, I'm and adopted child and for years have been burndened by not knowing who my "real" parents were and not knowing their reasons as to why they gave all six of us up for adoption. I'm 27 to date and a wife and mother of a three year old son whom I love and cherish dearly. Look, Ruth do yourself a favor and search your heart and if you feel you made the wrong choice, by all means get your baby back. I could not have done what you did, not by far, especially after carrying to term. I know this is hard on you and in time it will get better, just keep your faith, hope, and trust in God. Also, another piece of advice if you truly want to keep your baby, you still have every legal right because you are his biological mother. Ask yourself some questions: Am I certain I want to go through with this adoption? Am I doing it for all the right reasons? Am I doing it for all thw wrong reasons? Do I really, truly, and wholeheartedly want to give up my baby? Would I feel more comfortable giving it to a family member so I can still see him or her on a regular basis? Do I want to take full responsibilities for my actions and raise my child, whom I carried in my womb for 9 mo so he or she can have oppor. to know me, his or her mother? Can I provide for the child in all aspects(financially, emotionally, physically, and spiritually) Ask yourself these question and write down your honest answers and see where it takes you. Good Luck and God Speed!!! |
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disco
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i cant begin to imagine how your feeling right now and i don't think for one minute you will ever get over it but what you must remember is at the time you chose to do this you where thinking of your baby and what was best for it at the time and you have given him or her a better start in life that you could offer so please don't beat yourself up over this but you must try to get some good professional help good luck x |
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jmprince01
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a lot of people have said a lot of great things, so i wont repeat them. one thing that helped me get through the adoption process is by imagining that i was a surrogate mother. i was having this baby for THEM. as weird as this may sound, my social worker at the agency told me that if anyone could "DO" adoption the right way, i did it. grief is hard, but you can learn to forgive yourself and see the situation in a positive light. you will feel better. email me if you want to talk. |
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mary_elaine25
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Hi.I was adopted 25 years ago tomorrow and you know there are days(ok all the time) where I am wanting to find out who my birth mother is,yet there is not a day that goes by where I admire her for what she did. She was in a position where she knew she wouldnt be able to give me a decent life/lifestyle and unselfishly gave me up so that i would.I just need to say later on to make yourself available to "find" in case they ever decide to search for you. You did a brave thing. |
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Still Me
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Think constantly about the love and life you gave your precious baby! What a courageous sacrifice you made, so your baby could have everything you wanted him/her to have!
Think of this baby's future -- all due to your unselfish, loving, generous, mature decision.
And if you need to talk to others, go to any large adoption agency nearest to you and join a bio mom's support group! Talk. Bless you. |
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