How do you go about finding parents that put you up for adoption?

julie j

Hi Chrissy,

It is perfectly natural to wonder about your roots. Almost all adoptees do. It has nothing to do with how they feel about their adoptive parents. There are many benefits to completing a search. Self-knowledge brings closure to all those basic unknowns, heritage info, medical info, an inner peace to your soul, a sense of connection to other people and to the world. You will find out the "who/what/where/when & why's" first hand. After you have your answers, nobody can ever take those puzzle pieces away from you again. You will have that family information to share with your children and grandchildren. On top of that, you may even develop long-lasting, loving relationships with siblings, aunts, cousins, nieces, nephews, etc. relatives you never knew you had.

How you go about it depends upon what information you have to start with. I always recommend that anyone looking for family members register with International Soundex Reunion Registry first. http://www.isrr.net It's free, it's internationally well known. Plus I know it works because I have found several family members that way. Could you edit your details to include your state? If you were adopted in one of the equal adoptee rights states, you may write to that department of vital records & pay a small fee to obtain a copy of your original birth certficate. That will contain the names of your natural parents. If it was another state, you can still write to obtain what they call "non-identifying information" that will contain clues without actual names. Depending on where you were adopted, there may be additional information at an agency. If you want to involve your AP's in your search, they may have helpful information too.

That brings us to your last question. It's nice if they help you. Unfortunately, not all adoptive parents are supportive. Some are misinformed of what searching means. It doesn't mean you do not love them anymore. It doesn't mean you are trying to replace them. It's not even a loyalty issue that some make it out to be. In fact, it has nothing to do with them. This is about YOU. It's your search to find where you came from. You are an adult & you deserve answers. You do not need anyone's permission to do this but your own. If you feel comfortable sharing this journey with them, then by all means go ahead. You are the best judge of whether or not you believe they can handle it based upon their attitudes toward adoption & your experiences with them so far. Another option is to reunite on your own and then include AP's later when you have processed everything. The important thing is to have an understanding support network of friends or family during the search time because it can be emotional and time consuming. If you would like to connect with other adult adoptees for ideas & support, join us online at http://www.adultadoptees.org

I hope you find this helpful in your search. Remember, you deserve to know. Good luck Chrissy,

julie j
reunited adoptee

due 20.04.09

i'm 20 too and have a baby daughter and i feel this is what made me think about finding my real parents. i've got it twice as hard too as my adoptive mum was abusive and i'm not in contact with her. she is retaining all my documents like my passport and things and most importantly my adoption papers that she had to go through in order to adopt me. this gives great detail about your real parents like their names, DOB where they live and most importantly why they chose to give you up for adoption. she isn't letting me have it so i had to get in touch with the town hall in my district and tell them details about me and where i was born. they said they will then get in touch with the district where i was born i.e. for be its Barton upon humber in the UK. they should have a copy of the adoption records there. this will then be sent to the town hall where i live and then i will have to have some counselling and then shown the papers. they do this as sometimes the child finds out some negative things and it also helps you prepare yourself more too. then they will help you track down your real parents through the information they have and see if they want to meet you. it's really long winded process and i still haven't heard back from my town hall yet. talk to your adoptive parents.. they might feel hurt but you have a right to see them if you want to. all my life i grew up to hate my real mother as my adoptive mum said nasty things about her eventhough she didn't know her. now i have a child of my own its changed my perspective of things. good luck and i hope everything goes well for you.

casttostrangers

Why would it not be a good idea to find her? She is your mother. Knowing is so much better than the constant wondering. Is it perfect? Nope. Would I do it again. You bet ya in a skinny minute!
I personally never involved my apars in my search. This was the one thing that was actually not about them.

Dana C

I could give you a tip if you want to email me. Best of luck.

Cool Hal

I have found my birth mother - drop me an email and I will tell you how I did it. There was a great deal of luck but it may be worth a try.

Freckle Face

Hi Chrissy,

If you are looking for opinions then i'll offer you mine.

A) I think its always a good idea to discover your truth. If its been nagging you for years and not going away then that should tell you something. You want to find your mother. Its natural.

B) Take Julie J.'s advice she's amazing:)

C) This is not about your adoptive parents, its about you. I would hope that your parents are secure enough to understand this and support you.

The best of luck to you in your search:)

mom_single_sexy

Yes you can look for your mother. It is a good idea so it will answer questions you have. Your parents who adopted you were honest enough to tell you that you were adopted so although they may at first be a little sad I think they will in the end be ok with it. You can let them know how you feel. As far as how to go about it I would find out where you were adopted, what adoption agency was used and start there. It sometimes can be a long process but, keep with it and you will find out.

G H

This is a very good question. I would start by asking your adopted parents what they know about your birth mother. See what they know and how willing they are to talk to you about it. Remember they may be trying to protect you. You should think very, very carefully about weather or not to find her. This has to be your decision nobody else can decide for you. If you want to find her tell your birth parents that way at least your being open and honest and giving them time to deal with their emotions on the subject. They may help you to find her. If not call social services and ask them about tracing your birth mum. They have all sorts of charities that help people in your situation and the social workers can be very helpful as well as understanding both your needs and your adoptive parents. I think your parents will feel insecure and worried for your sake but believe me it will come as no shock. Just reassure them every step of the way that you value them and will always think of them as your parents. Let them know how much you value their help and that you appreciate their help. Good Luck whatever you decide.

Molly D

First talk to your parents about it.
Second go to the agency that your adoption was done they will give you a form to sing that states that you wish to be contacted my birth parents if your birth parent singed one then they will call both party's and let you both know. Also register with www.adoption.com put all of your info there and if your parents are on there you will find each other.

Good luck.
Be prepared for every situation possible.
Please don't judge your Birth parents until you talk to them and know what were the reason for them giving you up.

epiphany6

I would try to talk to your parents to answer all of those, just explain to them that you've been thinking of finding your birth parents, they might feel a little put out I don't know but they will want to know your thinking of it and they would have prepared themelves for you to might want to one day. Talking about it will help you decide if nows the right time or not. If you think it is have a look at http://www.adoptionsearchreunion.org.uk/default.htm

vickyfisher2003

go to social services and ask for your records from when you were adopted, there might be s letter or something from your birth mother, but think about it before you do it

â˜ºI'll Try Tooo Be Nice â˜º

That's a long and hard process. probably a IP could help or a lawyer Who Are You Looking For?
Birth Parents, Adoptee, Sibling? Find Them Fast. Search Now.
www.OmniTrace.com

jo :)

I have helped a friend find her birth mother in the last month. It was a wonderful experience for them both as the mother had been hoping she would find her, but the adoptive parents have reacted bery badly. In their case, my friend ended up back in care and they are upset as the birth mother is going to find out that the adoption didn't work like it's supposed to.
Talk to your adoptive parents first. It warns them but they may also have information and your adoption papers which is a good place to start. You also need your birth certificate. Go from there and make sure you use someone as a go between when you get to the point of making contact - to protect you and your mother.
As long as you go into this accepting that she may not want you - or that you may suddenly have to accept her and her family in your life, then go for it.

ruby_suze

depends really, i would talk to your parents and explain why you want to find them, secondly ask for details of where you were adopted from, then contact that place. i done this when i was 17 and my birth mother had phoned the agency every year and sent them her forwarding address every time she moved so i was quite lucky i was in contact with my mother two weeks after looking for her. if that doesnt work go to your local or nearest birth and death register place and ask to see your oeiginal birth certificate which will have your mother dob and full name in on and search from there. it may take time but everyone is traceable. but prepare yourself for the worst then you wont be dissapointed. it doesnt always have a happy ending. but good luck and be aware its a very emotional thing and brave thing to do.

Nicole F

I would talk to your adoptive parents about it. You are going to need their help in order to find your biological parents. They will need to give you the name of the agency that you were adopted from so that you can contact them and see how to go about finding your biological parents. You must prepare yourself mentally for every instance that could happen. What if your biological mom is no longer alive or doesn't want to meet you? Would you be able to deal with that kind of information? No matter what you decide, talk to your adoptive parents about it. It is natural for you to be curious and I am sure that, if you explain to your current parents your curiosity, they will help you in any way that they can.

crazyfox

talk your adoptive parents tell them how you feel and ask them how they feel they probably knew this day would come and just because your looking for them dosent mean you necessarily want a relationship with them could just be for your own peace for mind you could go to social services they may be able to help
hope this helpes
good luck with that

ps anyone can have a baby but it takes time and patience to be a parent

aerl08

talk to the parents that adopted you, reassure them that you will always love them and noone else but them will be your parents. ask them what agency they went through, if they tell you then contact the agency.
my brother and sister are both adopted (my parents thought they couldnt have children till i came) my sister has found her birth mother, my brother hasnt wanted to look.
hope you find your birth mum, just remember that your real parents are the ones that raised you

Harriet

Ask your adoption parents about it.

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