How do you tell a child their first mother loved them, when you don't believe they do?

Looney Tunes

Hello Kazi (Please read the whole thing, I did not read every other answer..but.....)

I once asked a question about whether all mothers love their children. The answers were varied. But, I believe that NOT all mothers love their children. In this case, the bio-mother was abusive and "enjoyed it." That is NOT love. And you know.....your son knows that in his heart.

A child feels love. If a child NEVER felt love from their bio-parents, they know that too.
And especially in his case, because now he has something to compare his feelings to. What I mean by that, is that he knows that you love him..you show it to him, you treat him with love...HE FEELS IT. His bio-mother did not and did the opposite and he DID NOT feel it.

Whether his bio-mother loved him or not is really not the question. The question is what did/does your son FEEL. That is what needs to be validated.

You can not speak for his bio-mother and your son already has his feelings. My suggestion is to validate his feelings such as:
"Mommy (Kazi) knows you feel that way, but you know that I love you sooooooo much and I am sad about your other mommy because you are so special"

His feelings are valid and real. THey may change, they may not. But, what matters is his perspective and his feelings.....

The best foster mom I ever had, supported and validated my feelings about my bio-parents. She never discussed whether they loved me or not. How could she...she did not know what my bio-parents thought or if they loved. What my foster mom knew was what I felt and understood. And her saying "LT I am so sad you feel that way, but you know we care about you, blah blah" was way more validating than "LT your bio-parents loved you the best they could (when in my mind I was questioning that because then love=hurt and pain and abuse)"

Lori A

I'd not address it at all for now, see if it comes up again. Tell the psychologist. It is possible to love someone and not know how to show it properly.

Gaia Raain

Maybe you could just avoid telling him how she feels altogether. After all, you can't get inside another person's head, so you don't know with absolute certainty WHAT she feels for him. You can validate his feelings (which is very important...telling him that his mother loves him is very invalidating, as this is what he feels, and your negating that is more about telling him how to feel than telling him the truth...since, again, you can't possibly know). You could just talk to him about why he feels that way, and/or say, "I'm sorry you have to feel that way. It must be sad for you." Or something similar. Offer lots of hugs. Just don't negate his experience. Whatever he says, don't contradict it. It feels hurtful to have your experiences negated, even if they don't make sense. It still FEELS real and true.

Sly

The only thing that I would offer is to leave God out of it. God doesn't make mistakes and put babies in the wrong tummies. Why frighten a child of God or his wrath or that he makes mistakes. God didn't have anything to do with this.

I think what Gaia said makes the most sense. You cannot know what goes on in he head, nor would you want to, most likely. Just to be validated, to have someone tell you, in all sympathy, that yes, crappy stuff happens in this life, but we love you and we will get past it is probably sufficient. This is a very insightful child. Don't destroy his faith in his discernment by invalidating it and making him second guess his conclusion.

See this as an opportunity rather than a problem. Sounds like a remarkable little boy.

Jay B

Well you might want to bring this event up to his psychologist, they would be better prepared to assist you in dealing with this than a bunch of people on the Internet.

I wouldn't outright contradict him though. Those are his emotions, and to deny them would likely be a bad move. Maybe "mommy didn't know how to show her love the right way" or "I love you enough for two mommys" are answers for the meantime.

Proof of mental illness or not, I say any woman who can abuse someone she gave birth to is sick in the head.

Jennifer L

Wow, that's a tough one.

I would guess his feelings about his mother not loving him has to more with the abuse he endured and less about the adoption. It could be that she told him that she doesn't love him.

I'd bring it up to his therapist and get some advice there.

Poor little guy!

Lauren J

Wow, thats a tough situation!
Maybe you could ask the psychologist how to handle the situation?
Because I really don't know what I would say...I agree though, that you probably shouldn't agree with him that his first Mommy doesn't love him. I guess I would say something like, "She does love you, because she was your first Mommy...she just doesn't show her love as openly as your second Mommy." Maybe too advanced for him though?

mandita210

I woudlnt say anything because you dont know how she felt. If you tell your child that his birth mother loved him, he may not understand that, because all he knows is that she hurt him over and over again. I think the best thing you can do is show your son how much you love him.

If it comes up again, i would talk to the psycologist about it and see what he/she says.

Corn is not dog food! No wheat!

Ever heard the saying "If you want the absolute truth, ask a child."?

It's because children are intuitive, and have a "no nonsense" way of looking at the world. Their brains process information differently and they see right though lies.

At the same time the concept "it's not you, it's her" may be a little too mature for him.

I think you should say nothing.
When he states the fact his mother doesn't love him, ignore the comment.

When he ASKS YOU about the situation, then tell him, well, what ever you've prepared.

I always tell people to be absolutely honest with children. They can take it, and they know when you're lying anyway.

Annabelle

Wow. I believe you. I saw this too often in a job I used to do. Not the norm of course but it is so sad when it does happen.

My 2 cents. Dont push the mommy loved you stuff on him. (this is not a normal situation after all) He wont believe you. The fact of the matter is she probably didnt love him. She probably didnt have the capacity to love anyone. Now dont get me wrong I would NEVER tell him she didnt love him. Just reassure him that you dont understand why she made the decisions she made. We cant fix everything for them unfortunately.

Joey

Focus on the positive. Tell him YOU LOVE HIM. Who cares what his mom feels? She obviously does not love him or is incapable of loving him right. I think you should just focus on the present time. Don't lie to him. He is smart and you are right to not want to associate love and abuse together. It doesn't paint a good picture on how love really works. Keep an open communication to him about her so when the time comes that he is a bit older and understands better, you can talk to him about it. You can tell him that she was mentally ill and was not CAPABLE of loving him right.

Sofiakat

I read this question a few hours ago. I didn't want to respond with out giving it a great deal of thought.
My son's mother is an addict and refused to leave his father even after he abused him, her and his little sister. I do think she loved him though. But that doesn't mean that she made good choices.
If I were in your situation I would explain to him in his own terms that he is a sweet and lovable child. I would tell him that his mother could not take care of him because she did not always make the best choices regarding him, but that it has no reflection on how lovable he is or how deserving he is. I would probably leave the word "love" out of the equation when it comes to her feelings for him. This is how I explain it to my son: sometimes grown ups do not make the best choices for kids, and when that happens sometimes that kid might night someone else to help make those choices for him. It is a grown-ups job to protect and feed a child and to help that child be happy. Your mom had a hard time doing that, and though it is not your fault at all because you are the best little boy in the world, you are here with me now, and I love you with all my heart.
When he turned four he started asking why she couldnt do those things for him and why she made wrong choices. I gave him the example of when he steals. Nobody makes him steal. He just makes a wrong choice. He doesn't need to hear the nitty gritty horrible facts at this age. He needs the bare minimum right now. He has time to learn the rest when he is older, when he has developed a clear and positive sense of self. I think the most important thing is that he does not see himself reflected in his mother's actions or in the idea that he is not lovable because she did not love him.
I really wish you luck with this. Parenting is not easy, but especially when broken little hearts are involved.

Wilma Duckie Deene

I would talk to the therapist that he is seeing privately about this one. I believe that a child knows some things. Your whole situation is very difficult.

I liked what another answerer said about a broken head - that sometimes people do bad things. These people have a hard time with love and don't know how to make the right choices.

Then put forth a lot more love, so no matter what your son knows that you love him, would never hurt him and that love is together.

Heather Leigh

You have a very intuitive child. I completely agree with the advice of LT. But would like to add that you might want to ask him why he doesn't think she loved him. At 2 he seems to be able to express himself pretty well. Maybe he can give you insight as to why he feels this way (besides the obvious).

You might also want to assure him that even though she hurt him, that you and your husband love him and will never hurt him. That you are there to protect him. I know for D, his biggest fear was that his father would come back and take him and hurt him again.he would have nightmares almost every night. Then once his father passed away, the nightmares stopped immediately. Unfortunately I never saw the reason for the nightmares until after his father passed away or I would have done all I could have to reassure him that he was safe and no one would hurt him again.

allchildrenareangels

Think about how many memories you have from the ages 2 and 3. I don't know about you but, I don't have any. I think to talk to them about it would be reinforcing those memories. I would not say anything and hopefully those memories will fade with time. In the future if they ask if their mom loved them I think I would say she wasn't able to because, she was sick. I would wait until they are much older and can understand better to go into further details. That is not something they need to be reminded of right now. Good luck.

Love,
Michelle

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

well, that's part of the problem with being adopted. it's sort of ingrained that you somehow feel your mother didn't love you enough to keep you.

it doesn't make sense to a child that it's mother would leave them. it is not normal.

children aren't stupid. and yours isn't either....it's a weird "knowing". he's just more expressive about how he really feels, as opposed to most adoptees who, while growing up, sing the happy adoption song.

i finally grew out of that, thank god.

Violet

You haven't said how you are their mum but I assume you have adopted them.
You have to admit to yourself that you are a little scared that their mum will come and take them away from you and as she is their natural mother I presume she has rights.
So you can hardly take a bystanding view on this one since you stand to lose a lot if you make them like her even just a little bit. In fact it is in your best interest to turn them against her.

So taking that into account purely for their best interest you should tell them the truth but candy coat it otherwise they will be scared.
Something like telling them that God gave their mum two wonderful gifts but she didn't want them and didn't thank God for them and so those two wonderful gifts were taken from her and given to someone who wanted them, was thankful for them and loves them and God for giving them to her.
Tell them that we should all pray that one day that woman says sorry to God and decides to be a good person because without love in your life you become very sad and lonely.
Say that those two wonderful gifts were you two and the sad woman is your first mum and the happy grateful woman is you.

Then if she ever turns up clean, sorry and a better person they will be able to say that they forgive her and are glad for her but God has given them to a good mum who loves them and they are happy where they are.

You can warn them off her in this kind way and they will never want her back even if she changes rather than bad mouth her and end up scaring the hell out of them because if they ever meet her again they will think you lied about her if she is kind and clean and may want to be with her again.

Calm down and be the one who shows them that love is more important than genes. xxxxxx

Mark B

my god! why is this even a question?

tell your child that yes she loved him but thought that she could not give him the life that she wonted for him. or tell him anything like that but why would anyone consider not telling them that there birth mother loved them she i thought my parents where nuts but if your actually thinking of telling him she did not love him wow you take the cake

crazychickizback

Tell him she loved him the best she could. Which may be true, if she was nuts, which she would have to be to abuse him. When he's older explain that she was mentally insane and she did love him but didn't know how to show it, or was incapable of love. That way you're not lying, but not saying something that's going to hurt him. I can't fathom someone hurting a child...I'm so sorry for him and glad he's away from that horrible woman and with you now.

EDIT- You could make two paper dolls, and color all over one's face with an ugly color. Tell him that that is his birth mom and that she is sick in her head but it is NOT his fault. Tell him its like when he feels sick, only it doesn't usually go away and it makes her brain act weird and that is why she was mean to him. Tell him that because he deserved better than her God decided he would be much happier with a better mommy. Alternatively you can say God made a mistake and sent him to the wrong mommy at first, a woman who wasn't fit to be a mommy, but now he's got the right one.

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