How does anyone know if they're....?

cantstopLinnyG

I was 18 and married when I had my firstborn, we were 22 and had 3 children. I was MORE ready then than I am now at the age of 43. People told us "we were not ready". Pfffft. Thats so cliche.

I have more money now, but I am in no way, shape or form equipped for what a toddler would put me through now.

My kids did without designer clothes during their infancy and young childhood, but those things did not matter to them, or to any child for that matter.

They had a Mom and Dad full of energy and love...and that's all they needed.

Agencies/baby brokers/lawyers would NEVER tell a potential f Mom the repercussions of surrendering a child. Never- because NO ONE would do it if they knew...

Jennifer L

Hey Gershom.

I asked myself this question when I was a pregnant teenager. I determined at that point that being "ready" to be a parent means making the conscious decision to BE a parent and to be a GOOD parent. That means making all of the responsible decisions and sacrifices to put the child first. And I don't mean adoption necessarily.

I mean things like getting good prenatal care. Following the doctor's orders. Not drinking or doing drugs while pregnant. So in a way, the decision to be a good parent is made while still pregnant.

I didn't know what it all entailed, to be a young mother. But I made the decision to do whatever it took.

So how I define being "ready" to be a parent is a conscious choice. And I believe that people need to make that choice instead of just giving parenting a try

Gaia Raain II

In my early to mid twenties, I believed very strongly that I was NOT ready to be a mother. I was raised in an abusive home, and I believed that I didn't know how to *not* abuse my children. I didn't understand what caused abusive people to be that way, and therefore, I didn't know how to avoid being that way myself.

When I was about 25, an incident with my niece changed my tune about that. I suddenly realized that I could choose to not be abusive...somehow, my body and mind just knew what to do, and what not to do. I bet if I had had children during those fearful years, I would have done just fine. I'm sure I would have been far from perfect, but I believe now that I would not have been abusive. It's just not "in me".

myst1998

<Grinning wickedly> Love this question!!

To answer... no one can ever be ready and nobody would ever know if they were really ready or not. Some try to make it so they have all the modern day trappings which helps them feel they are ready but just having a lot of material possessions does not make you a great parent. Poor people can make better parents than rich people and vice versa. Its not what you have but what you can find inside of you when yu are faced with the prospect of a child coming into your life.

My mother is a fabulous mother and yet she didn't necessarily want to parent. When I came along she didn't feel half ready; she was young and in uni yet she still became a mother and is one of the most amazing mothers I know - her intuition is really something.

As for adoption, its others around a pregnant woman who judge whether or not she is ready to parent. Society tells a young woman who is single she shouldn't parent and then the agencies get in on that with their marketing feeding into the 'unreadiness' all first time parents feel by making an expectant mother feel she is unworthy, selfish, not old enough, not ready enough, not financially ready enough etc to parent.

So adoption is not the best option. Its the worst and should be at the bottom of the list. Can't work out why others are so keen to promote something that is purely based on meeting an adults need... thats all it has ever been about.

Timid Women Rarely Make History

Ready,to me meaning you understand that there's no way to be fully ready. But that you would always put the child first,and do whatever it takes to take care of them and ensure their safety.

How to know if adoption is right for your situation? If you know that you could not care for that child emotionally and sometimes financially is a big factor. If the pros's for adoption out way the pros's for keeping the child,then it's probably for the best.

chicnlips2012

You can never really know..my mother was single when I was born ,never knew my father, and I don't think she did either, the whole point being Watch It !!!

HappyMomAnna

Okay I will play.

The First Part:
> How does anyone know if they are Not Ready to parent if they haven't tried it?

~~ I don't think it's possible to know what you don't know.

> What does "ready" mean?

~~ For me, in this context, "ready" is referring to being prepared emotionally to meet all of the needs of a completely helpless and dependant person and be responsible to help that person develop, learn and grow to become an independent person--who I hope will feel security and love enough to have a relationship with me until I die. And everything in between.

> Is anyone ever Ready to parent?

~~ Yes. Anyone who is emotionally able to make the committment and understands the obligations, may be ready to parent if they are willing. Not that a parent is ever ready for Any of the unknowns life and individuality will bring. Because not one person on earth knows what their future will really be and parenting isn't any different then anyone elses life. Being ready is sometimes a planning, growing or reacting kind of position.

PART TWO:

>How did I know adoption was the right solution to an unexpected pregnancy if I haven't tried parenting?

~~ Hypothetically-- for me, I wouldn't know if it was the right solution. In reality I have made different decisions about my own solutions to an unexpected pregnancy. I made the decisions I have based in the very same reasons.
I never viewed being a parent as something to try since there are at least 18 years of a huge amount of things that Trying Parenting would be kind of difficult unless I tried for at least 18 years to know for sure? I mean, there is a great big lot of stuff between infant, 5 year old, 12 year old, 17 year old, so what part of parenting would I try in order to decide when I wasn't ready?

> When adoption is the best option, can a person be fully prepared for the repercussions of surrendering a child to an adoption?

~~ Again, hypothetically as I do not assume to know personally, how would anyone know if they are ready to experience the repercussions? And what does "repercussions" mean anyway? Is anyone ever ready to face the repercussions of any decision so huge and life changing?

A mother could not be human and be absent any pain or repercussion when her baby is adopted by someone else. Of course, there will be repercussions the entire situation is a repercussion...life is a repercussion.

Some pain is deep and hurts and I can only imagine this must be one step shy of experience a death of a child. I have witnessed the death of our 12 year old niece and that pain is beyond words. Loss is loss and I don't think one person alive makes it the whole way without feeling loss in their lives.

The difference between the loss of my niece and the loss a mother must feel in her core to me is that in one case a life was lost and in the other a relationship with a child is lost while the child grows up. And hopefully found again when the time is right.

There are repercussions for any decision about an unexpected baby. A mother who is ready is ready, perhaps not as able, stable or financially secure, but emotionally.

As a young mother I gave birth the first time when I was 20 years old. Unexpectedly Planned foolishly--it was not a question to me if I was ready it was a given. I didn't even consider thinking about adoption because emotionally I was ready, no other thought crossed my mind.

When I was pregnant with my second due a year after the first, I was less sure of how ready I was. I did consider options but, I did not consider adoption since my husband was an adoptee he had different feelings about unplanned baby's. I had experience parenting for at least 1 year of the long road--and I KNEW what it was like to parent... I still had an unexpected baby on the way. I still had to decide If I was emotionally ready. Part of the reason I had to decide was because I had already had a pretty good taste of what to expect. I eventually, decided I was ready even though it was going to be one long and hard road.

I think that family starts when people are emotionally ready for the long journey and will do whatever it takes to do their best.

Dare

I do not believe anyone is ever "ready" for parenting. Some folks think that you "should" have children when you are young and "fertile", others think, "wait till you find the ONE", others think you "should" wait until you are "older and more mature". My question is...do these things/thoughts ever occur in our lives at the same time? From what I have seen, I do not think so. I don't think any one truly knows when the right time is. Whether one decides to go with having child or not, giving up for adoption, etc. - I think that person will always question if they made the right decision or not. Bringing a child into this world is such a big decision, not like changing the kind of cereal you will have that a.m.! So much to think about - the other person involved (if there is one), the child, yourself, the world, etc. If a person questions any or all of these things PRIOR to delving into childbirth...all I can say is that this world might be a better place. Unfortunately (my thought only) not many consider these questions at a time that is crucial to the outcome.

Should my birth mother considered these options, I don't think I would be here today. Does that make her decision right or wrong?

Adoption can be a beautiful thing. If a woman is pregnant and knows deep in her heart (women tend to pretty intuitave) that she will be unable to care for a child at that point in her life...guess what? There are so many beautiful people out there who can not conceive who would welcome and love such a child! That child would be a blessing. What more could a child want in this world? To be a blessing? I can't think of a better way.

This brings up many other topics, though.

* from the Great White North*

No one is really "ready". Some people like to think they are, then reality hits when the child arrives. Being able to love and care for your child in the way it deserves is the best way to be ready.

Some women are not ready to be a mother, and they know that. They may not be ready for the repercussions of giving u a child for adoption either but the women have to make a decision one way or another. Women who plan on giving up their child should not rely on the agencies to tell them the negatives and should research themselves.

Adoption is the right choice when the mother knows that she can not take care of a baby, whether it be financial or emotional... or her own personal choices. I know women who gave their babies up because they did not want to be ready, they did not want the child period.

Mango M

Sometimes love isn't enough. Your child will be loved by the adoptive parents just as much as you'll love him/her. I'd give a baby up if I felt I couldn't provide a good, safe, secure life for him/her.

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