How hard was it for you to give you baby up for adoption?

realmom lese

Giving up my child was excruciating, and still is on a daily basis, even though the act was done almost 30 years ago.

The previous poster wrote: DON'T LISTEN TO THE PSYCHO WOMEN ON HERE WHO TRY TO DISCOURAGE YOU FROM ADOPTION. It is NOT as horrible as they pretend it is.

This is coming from someone who has never relinquished a baby for adoption and is totally and callously minimizing the pain and suffering of natural mothers. I am telling you, the pain of losing your child to adoption IS horrible, and it is a FOREVER LOSS. Ask women that have done it. There are far and few that will tell you that it was easy. The majority are going to tell you the truth. And that is seriously what you need to listen to, because if you chose adoption, you will be living the same life.

Also, talk to adoptees. Lots of them. My daughter suffered tremendously from adoption, as she lived in a very abusive adoptive home. Not all are like that, and I can honestly say I am not objective enough to talk about something that is so painful......but I just want you to know......that this CAN happen. It is a crapshoot. Just get a good feel for what your child will feel being separated from you. You need to make an informed decision and this is about YOU and your child.....so talk to people in the same boat.

Adoptive parents and agencies/attorneys are NOT in the same boat. They can directly benefit from you placing your child for adoption, and they do not live with the consequences of LOSS as adoptees and natural mothers do. Do not talk to them until AFTER the baby is born and you have seen, held and know what you are losing, and you have at that point decided to make an adoption plan.

If you chose adoption, make sure you have your own legal counsel. The agency will say the attorneys are working for you too.....but they are NOT. They are there for the adoptive parents interests, which are NOT the same as yours. Open adoptions are NOT enforceable in a court of law, and they will use this to get you to sign over your baby. Do not fall for it. Have your own counsel!

Your gut is already telling you where adoption is going to lead you. You already feel it coming. I ignored that feeling in my gut, in my heart and I have been paying for it ever since. Listen to your heart and soul. Your problems right now are temporary, adoption is permanent.

Best of luck with your decision and feel free to email me.

mom lost 66

my son is now 42 years old and not a day goes by that I don't regret
signing the papers I did not do it of my own free will I was coerced
their are a lot of options out their for financial help so that you can keep your baby their is day care so you can work and go to school
if you don't keep you baby and give it up you will have to live with that the rest of your life wondering if your child is alive or dead and most adopted children resent their mothers they think we abandoned
them and I did not do that I will always love my son and my heart
aches for him I just want to see him one more time before I die

sheila P

Please don't take this offensive but if you try hard you can raise your baby and go to school. You can have a career and make a good life for yourself. I think that your sister should be more understanding, after all she is your sister.

23 year old texas female married

I had my first at 18. Me and my husband were making $600 a month. We had a 1 bedroom 3/4bath (it had no tub just a shower). Our utilities were included in our rent which was $450 a month. Money was tight my husband had his pride refused to allow me to apply for food stamps. He had to walk to work which was 2 blocks from the apartment. We made it through the time, even bought a car for $500 from our neighbor (his cousin). We had family that helped us through. But I never thought of giving up my baby.

I knew if there is a will there is a way. You gotta have faith and believe the the Lord will provide for you. Learn the difference between a want and a need. Food, shelter, and clothing are all needs. Hair cuts, nails and other things are wants.

I would never give my baby up. What is best for a baby is to know it's mother and be raised by her. Even if it means swallowing your pride and getting public assistance and having to go the food pantry. Apply for Medicaid, WIC, TA-NF, Food Stamps, Section 8 housing, and free day care.

Good Luck and Best wishes sent your way.

Kat

I wouldn't give the baby to my sister, it would be hard to watch. If you give your baby up for adoption, you're already starting to regret it now, can you imagine the pain later? It will be tough, but workable, if you keep the baby. Do what you feel is right. Good luck hun!

snowwillow20

I'm a first mom
1. no one told me how giving my child away would affect the rest of my life. Depression, low self esteem, dificulty in trusting anyone.
2. no one told me how my child would be affected or even hurt (molested) feeling abandoned.
3. no one told me that I would never get over it.
4. no one told me that the best for my daughter should include me.
So that is why I'm telling you these things, so you can make an informed decision.

tiffercita

I have been on both sides of adoption. When I was four years old my birth mother gave legal custody of my to my grandparents. I am now 25 and not one time have I ever resented her for her decision. I was raised in a great home and knew I was loved. The other two children that my mother raised have serious problems mostly based on the way they were raised. They didn't get the love that I did. My cousin and I have been best friends our whole lives and due to her having type 1 diabetes since she was 10 cannot have children. She has wanted a child more than anything and I always knew deep down that if I were to ever get pregnant and was not in the place in my life where I could raise a child and give it a loving home with two parents that I would give my child to her. Well, here we are days away from delivery and the adoption papers have already been signed. I know deep down that I have made the best decision for the child. He will have everything he needs plus so much more. It's hard to explain, but throughout the pregnancy I've never really felt a bond between myself and the baby. Ultimately it is your decision and you are the only one that will know what the right thing to do is.

MamaKate

Dear Kate,

Adoption - even kinship adoption, can have all kinds of negative effects, even in the most well meaning situation. If you are concerned about not being able to handle it, DON'T DO IT.

Please read Heather's pamphlet:
http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index.php?id=1
http://www.cubirthparents.org/

Also there are literally hundreds of programs and options to help young parents. Have you considered giving your sister TEMPORARY guardianship while you finish school? You can set the terms.
http://www.cwla.org/advocacy/2006legagenda09.htm

There are also respite care programs and programs that "match" single mothers to help each other.

There are also programs to help you with food, housing and education. (You will have FAR more assistance available if you KEEP your child.)

The government provides TANF, WIC, food stamps, daycare opportunities, education grants, children's health care, etc.
http://www.usa.gov/Citizen/Topics/Family.shtml

There are tons of grants for parents for education - just run a google search.

Food programs like Angel Food can help you with groceries:
http://www.angelfoodministries.com/

If you need housing, co-abode is a great program:
http://www.coabode.com/

There are tons of online groups for mothers and parents resources and support and there are things like MOPS and Mentor Mommies who can help too.

There ARE people out there to help you, you just have to know where to look!

http://www.keepyourbaby.com/

BTW, please do not be fooled by the term "open" adoption. It is NOT legally enforceable in the US. I found out the hard way.

You CAN do this if you want to. There ARE people who can and WILL help you. Good luck to you and your little one!

Sarah

I would try talking to a professional counselor (not one from adoption agencies or anything) - they will probably aid you in trying to separate your emotions from your rational reasoning and talk to you about why you feel this way, etc and alternatives etc.

No one really knows which option is best - your mind/heart might change once the baby arrives or years down the track. Uncertainty will always be part of this decision. You can only do what you think is right at this point in time, how you feel down the track is unknown. You can make assumptions of the future, but you can't be 100% sure.

- Single/Young parenting ISN'T impossible, BUT you should ask yourself whether YOU're ready for it.
(There are cases where the person tries, but in the end, it's not possible and vice versa)

- Giving the baby to your sister is possible too, BUT you have to ask yourself how YOU will feel about it, seeing her everyday, even though she's YOUR daughter, she calls SOMEONE ELSE mum.

- Giving the baby up for adoption, yes there MIGHT be repercussions and you MIGHT regret it down the track when you're more settled in life and ready to parent. Your child MIGHT resent you. Things MIGHT become bitter. HOWEVER, it MIGHT also be the best decision you have ever made.

The reality is you WILL have to make a gamble and HOPE / TELL yourself that you have made the right decision.

Philippa

I was 19, working and single when I had my son. My choice was to parent as I really wanted to, knew abortion was an option but it wasn't for me and adoption never crossed my mind. When my parents found out I was pregnant they arranged everything so the first time I saw someone from the adoption agency was after I had my son. I told her I wanted to parent my son and she claimed she was going to support my decision but that was the first lie but not the last one she told me. Throughout the who process I never agreed to the adoption, wasn't told my rights, had no support, was bullied by my parents, consistently lied to, wasn't shown any paperwork and it's questionable that I signed the Consent to Relinquishment which very conveniently nobody can find.

Subsequently I have suffered with depression, have self harmed, have little confidence, low self esteem and have been suicidal over the years. My son being adopted ruined my life in many ways as I don't trust people and I lost the right to raise my only child.

I am fortunate that I am in reunion with my son but it doesn't make up for the lost years. Despite my son having a good home life he has major issues with adoption.

It sounds like you really want to raise your child so please find out what you are entitled to.

Ercasse

Adoption is a long term solution to a short term problem. Meaning, you won't always be young.

I'm 15 and Neo is due on April 28th. One of my options was adoption. I was considering it, but then I felt him kick. I could feel his little body inside of me. That's when he really became mine. I couldn't imagine giving him to someone else.

I do have a very supportive family, school and friends, with money to spare so I admit, I have it rather easy compared to many other teen mothers. So you're family aren't willing to help? I'm sure as soon as they see their grandchild's face, they won't be able to resist. They'll be so overcome with love, they'll want to do everything they can for her.

It's not impossible to look after a child while attending school. If your sister was willing to take your child, would she be willing to look after her while you finish school?

I personally think it's a bad idea to give your daughter to your sister. You'd see her all the time but not have any say in her upbringing. That would kill me.

I think it's wonderful you're thinking of the best interests of your child. Good luck.

Jess L

hi

my best friend was adoption and was adopted by an english family when she was 2 (then they moved over here to ireland) she was adopted as her parents daughter was killed at the age of 12 she doesn't no any thing about her bio, mother and father and she thinks about it every day and feels she was only adopted to fill a space in the family she says every time she goes to england and is walkin down the street and see's ppl with either the same colour hair or same body build she wonders if they could be related
she wishes she was still wit her mother no matter wat situation she was in at the time

Sonshine

Keep your baby - God has blessed you with a gift. I haven't seen my daughter for 16 years and every day that goes by feels like eternity.

Candy

I am not speaking because I have gave a child up for adoption but I did adopt my daughter. I believe inside you know what is right and if you do not feel at comfort with doing this and you really believe you can make it then baby girl you should keep your baby. I wish I was able to have birth children but I love my daughter and tell no difference. Her bio mothers face was just horrid it made me feel bad, Like I was stealing her baby, I did feel so bad at 1 point I told her I would understand if she changed her mind but she did not. It is an open adoption but she has never called, or stopped by in almost 5 years not even once So maybe it was just to painful for her afterwards.
I guess my point is that you do not want to live in pain or suffering, If you have a way to raise your child even if you struggle that will make you stronger and if you can get through anything with her imagine how strong she will be as an adult. On the other hand if you really believe you will not be able to be a parent and you can handle adoption then find you a good family for her but I have faith in you.

Tejas Rules

Edit

As long as your sister is a good person and not abusive in anyway i suggest that you give the baby to her instead. After all, you already know who she is. No matter how good a family looks and well off, you do not know them but at least you know your sister. They may be abusive for all you know or may neglect her or something like that and you would always have that concern in your mind.

Good luck....i suggest option 2

Kristi J

Hi im Kristi and im 18 as well. i just recently found my birth mother and my 2 brothers and my 2 sisters (january 21 2009). I found out at the age of 10 that i was adopted. At first i didnt understand y would she give me up i mean did i do something wrong or y would she'd do this. but as i got older i became to understand y she did this. She gave me to the person now that i call mother b/c she wanted me to have a better life and she knew that she couldnt do this. So she wanted someone that could. I think that u should do an open adoption. with that u'll be able to see ur daugther as much as u like. But if u think thats too much wait till she turns 18. but i think that Adoption would be the best for u right now since ur in school and u prolly dont have a job and all. but good luck. an remember if u do decide to do Adoption ur little girl will always love u.

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