How hard will this be for me? adoption?

Felicita1

A lot of women who planned on going to university or are in university, find that their academic careers fail or falter significantly after they surrender a baby for adoption. What makes you feel you'd be more successful?

Trying to cope with severe unresolved grief and loss, heavy depression, PTSD, etc. is not going to make classes any easier. And these are the risks, the potential consequences of surrender.

Doesn't your college have a parent resource center on-campus? On-campus daycare, babysitting co-ops, family housing? If not, then why not? Family friendly campuses have all of these -- along with scholarships for single parents.

I handled a baby and college, including giving birth a week after my final exams ended for 3rd year. There are plenty of support on campus for parents.

No child should be given away just because their parents put college first, wanted a degree more than they wanted their baby. You can always get scholarships later on, but you can never replace a baby.

If you need help accessing college resources for parents, then contact one of us who helps mothers, and we'll help you find it.

- 95% selected the "most frequent" or "most severe" response to one or more items measuring unresolved grief.
- In response to items concerning depression, 51% reported experiencing severe depression since the relinquishment, with 97% reporting some degree of depression (mild, moderate, or severe).
- 21% of mothers had made attempts on their lives
- 82% reported significant depression as a result of surrender

" â€œcomparable to losing an infant through death, it is a very stressful event for the relinquishing mother. This stress, combined with a powerful grief reaction, can predisopose these women to a number of long-term adverse effectsâ€ "

grapesgum

Please contact Mary Cady Ford who is trying to help moms stay in school. She had a baby when she was attending Vandy and was appalled at the lack of support for parenting a child (lots of help for abortion and adoption tho'). It is ridiculous that having a baby would make you lose your scholarship. Does being a mother suddenly make someone stupid? Go to your University and threaten them with a discrimination suit if they cut you off.

Link to Mary:

http://sitemason.vanderbilt.edu/vanderbiltview/articles/2008/06/01/birth-of-a-leader.56055

Beware of people looking for babies on Y!A! Their dream is a baby from a nice college girl. Unethical adoptive parents and unethical adoption agencies will ask you to "email me".

Sorry I did not answer your question - adoption is hard. Sorry, there is no way getting around giving birth, holding your baby, and then giving him/her away to live with strangers. There is no way to sugar coat it. Adoption agencies will try to make it sound easy - but they have to - they don't make money unless women give their babies away.

PhilM

Well, many relinquishing parents experience regret over relinquishing. (So if you're worried about regretting an abortion, this may not be any different.) Of course, if you don't care about the child, it should be very easy to give yours up. You're the one who will have to deal with the fallout of this. Well, so will your child.

cantstopLinnyG

Here's my adivice; DONT DO THIS. You will regret it. I was in the same exact situation. My husband and I BOTH went on to college. Our "oops baby" is now going off to law school. It was tough, but as an adoptee, I knew I would NEVER allow a stranger to raise my baby, because I knew how I had longed for my first mom my entire life.

A baby only wants his or her natural mother. that's it. Not things, not money, and especially NOT a stranger raising him or her. You said the father loves you. That's all you need.

Please do NOT contact any little angel here who tells you to email them. They troll the internet looking for babies. they dont give a hoot about you, they just want YOUR baby.

Abortion is a simple medical procedure, and the pain lasts a few minutes. Adoption will cause you a LIFETIME of regret and pain, as it will the child. If you do not want to parent, terminate now.

Please read how adoption will affect you and your baby. there are also resources available to you to help you and your baby.

http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index....

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/adoption_coercion.html

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php
http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org
http://www.amfor.net/acs
http://www.origins-usa.org
http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/
http://www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/

Books:
The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier
Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND
Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton
The Adopted break Silence by Jean Paton
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler
Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner
Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky
******************************

Madam Bari

You do know that there are PLENTY of single mothers who go to school while taking care of a new baby, right?

The BEST advice I think anyone can give you is to seriously weigh your options and learn as much as you possibly can about all of your options... Dig deep into adoption before you go that route... once you go through with it, you CAN'T undo it.

And, in response to ILUVILLEGALIMMIGRANTS, an open adoption does NOT give you any 'visitation rights.' In fact, it does not give you ANY rights at all. An open adoption is an agreement between the adoptive parents and the first mom (or birth mom, if you prefer that term) to allow a certain amount of information pass between the two parties.... be it something as little as pictures and a yearly letter or visitation. However, whatever you agree to with the adoptive parents is NOT legally enforceable, so it does not give you ANY RIGHT to that child.

If the AP's chose to be incredibly cruel, they could go as far as getting a restraining order against you to bar you from any contact what-so-ever with the family, including the child you relinquished. Why? Because once they officially adopt that child, it is no longer yours in the eyes of the law. They are that child's legal parents and therefor you have absolutely no rights to any choices for that child anymore.

So be very careful what you choose... Find out what ALL of your options are and make the best decision you can for you AND your child. Only you know what the best thing for you and your baby is... no one else can make that decision for you. Just make sure you have all the facts so that the decision you make is informed.

Lori A

Have you thought about the repercussions this is going to have on you after surrender. I have talked with a few mothers who surrendered in the past 2 years and they all almost tanked in college because they just couldn't focus on anything but their decision. If anti-depressants is your idea of getting through college your on the right track because all of them ended up on them. some stopped taking them some didn't.

If the two of you love each other that much this will be something that the two of you will cary around for the rest of your lives. see if your college has day care. If not start looking off campus for a reputable care provider. It will be rough but worth it in the long run.

sarah314

Here's something to keep in mind...

If you're obviously pregnant during your first semester of college, people are going to notice. They may ask questions while you're pregnant...harmless questions that everyone asks pregnant women "boy or girl?" "what are you going to name the baby?" etc. For some women, it might be uncomfortable to either dodge the questions, or explain to people that you're giving the baby up for adoption.

And the questions won't stop after you have the baby. People who saw you pregnant during first semester might ask questions during second semester like "how's motherhood treating you?" "are you getting any sleep with a newborn in the house?" etc. Are you emotionally prepared to deal with those questions?

You'll need to take these things into consideration...for some women, it would be emotionally traumatic to have to deal with the questions when you return for 2nd semester. And then you could potentially have to deal with gossip/stares/conversation behind your back for the rest of the school year and beyond.

I'm not saying that you *shouldn't* go to college first semester while pregnant, then give the baby up for adoption. You just need to be absolutely certain that you can handle everything that entails. Some women could handle it, others wouldn't.

(And also consider the fact that you may be unable to attend classes in the fall...for example, if complications land you on bed rest, etc.)

Make sure you're making the right decision for you and your baby. It would certainly be "easier" if you could start school in January...start with a clean slate, and not have everyone remember you as the chick who was big and pregnant first semester.

P.S. Dorm life isn't exactly conducive to pregnancy...can you make alternate living arrangements for the first semester?

karcnr

If you know now is not the right time for you to have a baby, and you pick out the family to adopt your child, perhaps it is not that hard as long as you have support to help you deal with it all.

Sarah

Think long and hard. Adoption is permanent. Abortion is permanent. Raising a child is a life commitment, though I have heard and read that some women who have tried really hard to parent, but just couldn't cope and eventually had to put their child up for adoption/foster care (but that would be a different story). I think you should talk to someone who you trust, if you're religious, your pastor or a counselor (not someone from an adoption agency) and they might be able to help you with your emotions and thoughts, which will help in your decision making. I'm not sure how you would feel emotionally with adoption (no one can really say for sure how you will feel, they can only presume). There is no easy decision.

kims

Have you called the school and checked about deferring entry? Many schools will give you a year of deferral.

Have you checked to see if there is anyone in either family willing to help out? Could you take time off and then attend a school closer to home where a relative could help with childcare, or at least let you have free room and board? Or could you sign over temporary guardianship to a relative while you attend the college you've got the scholarships to?

I'm just thinking that if you love the father and can't imagine having an abortion, you'll also find it very difficult to give up your baby when that time comes. Adoption is such a permanent decision, but it sounds like your child care problems are only temporary. If you can just get through the first couple of years, don't you think you'd want and be able to care for your baby? In the whole scheme of things, might it not be worth it to rearrange your plans in order to parent your & your boyfriend's first born child? At least know what all your options are. Call the college and talk to someone there, talk to your family.

cmc

If you are due in Nov the hardest part might be arranging things around the birth. Hopefully teachers would be helpful. Also it might not be very easy emotionally, especially finishing the semester after the birth. You will have to be very strong to do this. It is possible, but try to be realistic about how you will handle this, what support you will have etc. If this is what you really want I think you can do it, but it won't be easy. Also you are very early in your pregnancy, and may change your mind about adoption. No final decisions should be made until the baby is born. If you sign the relinquishment papers after the birth it is final - no changing your mind. Until then you can always change your mind.

It will help a lot if you are close with your family and they support your decision. Also your bf's support will be key.

Emmz99

Personally, I don't believe in abortions. I understand why some woman have them, but I don't support them.

First of all, just to get the story right, your due in November and you don't start college till next year. Have you considered talking to your parents, your partners parents, or other relatives about your situation? Would they consider raising your baby while you go to college?
How would they feel if you gave your baby up for adoption?

I'm just saying, look at ALL your options before you decide what your going to do. There are other options other than adoption.

Ricki R

My best friend found out she was pregnant and just started college. She stayed in college the whole time with no problem and when she had her baby she went back 2 days later so people assumed she had given her baby up for adoption but she did not do that at all .. She kept her baby and still goes to school and her baby is 5 weeks old now and she is still in school with no problem.. You could do it if you wanted to. I think it would be hard for you if your having doubts then that is not good. Do you what you want to the full extent, If you know you will not be happy having a child and give the child the attention and love it deserves then yes adoption is right for you. On the other hand if you deep down believe that you will regret because you could love and give your child attention then I think you will just be miserable. Do what your child will benefit from.

<3

Go to college. You seem smart and selfless enough to give your baby to a family that can properly raise him/her. I think that's great.
The other mothers on here are just bitter because they never amounted to anything. You are better then that.
It will probably be hard but I've seen a lot of pregnant women wobbling around campuses. You should be fine.

palmyrafan

Maci,

My heart goes out to you and the baby's father. Regardless of the reason for considering putting the baby up for adoption I commend you for caring enough about the baby to want to do so.

But I ask that you do it for the right reasons and not because you think the baby will be a hindrance to your studies or because of college. This baby didn't ask to be brought into this world; this baby was created by both of you. I would ask that you seriously consider all your possibilities including other students who might like some extra money by babysitting your baby while you are in school.

What do your families have to say about it? Do they know? Perhaps they would be willing to help care for the baby.

If you do decide to continue with the adoption process I would hire an attorney that specializes in adoption. They will be able to navigate all the legalities that are required to do so. Please don't just leave the baby at the hospital and walk away. Give this baby the best start to life that you can. It is time for some sacrifice from you - and one that doesn't interfere with your college plans.

Sonshine

Is there any way that your family or the father's family will support taking care of the child? You may change your mind if you could still go to school and have the baby. I would wait until the child is born and continue to discuss your options with the child's father. There is nothing more precious than a soul. You can always continue your education, but you may regret not being there for your child.

butterflykisses78942

what ever u do its your choice ! but make sure its what u and him both want.. is there someone that can help u raise the baby and help out or any thing?

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.

Advice?? Get together with the dad and find out some of the MULTITUDE of programs available to help you keep your child. Many colleges have day-care, etc... It won't be easy, but you can do it... Get family involved.. Find alternate housing where you can keep your baby...

Abortion is NOT a "simple medical procedure with pain lasting only a few minutes.." IT's a medical procedure that carries risk of complications, and a potential LIFETIME of emotional pain.. Those who gloss over that, hinting that it's not a bad option, are no better than those who think giving up a baby for adoption is no big deal.

Sarah

This may not be the easiest decision you ever have to make but it will be the best. If you are not ready for a baby then adoption is best for both you, the father, and the child. People who have had bad experiences may try to talk you out of it but remember that you have to make this choice for you and the child-not for others. I have a dear friend who had an abortion when she was a teen and now not only does she have to deal with the regret but with the damage it has done to her body. She is now infertile and knows that it is her own fault. Keep in mind that very few people here care about the welfare of your child. Adoption is after all about the baby. A child, regardless of whether you keep it or give it up for adoption, needs a stable life. Whoever suggested foster care didn't consider this. A baby should not be raised by a family only to later be ripped away. They need a forever family, whoever that may be. And also beware you may be bombarded with "I want your baby" e-mails" Just do some research and make this decision with the father-don't base your future on what some jaded strangers tell you. Good luck dear.

mommy*to*be*n*december!!!!

I think you need to sit down and think about which is more important to you. Either your education or your unborn child. If you do choose to give the baby up for adoption, you could always do an open adoption. That way you still get visitation rights. If you choose to keep the child, do you not have a family member close by that could or that would be willing to help you out with the child? I would seriously suggest that you think critically to ensure that the decision that you make, is one that you will not regret later in life.

miss America

First off, I think it's so wonderful that you are willing to give your baby to another family who may not be able to have children! Second, You are in charge of your schedule, so just make sure you have at least 30mins between classes to allow your self to walk around, get a bite to eat, and use the bathroom. I wouldn't pack on as many hours that semester either if you can help it. See if you can get away with just 12 hours. Also there are night classes that meet only once a week at a lot of schools. This might be a better option for you with one or two of them. Walking around campus will give you the exercise your body will need. just make sure to keep your feet up at night!!
you'll be fine!

Elizabeth's Mommy

try this. go to your local social services, tell them you still want the child, but if the child could be placed in foster care for a few years. then when you are done, you are able to take the child home

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