How long have you been in the adoption section and what is the most important thing you learned?

Penny P

Been here on and off about 6 months. I've learned alot of adoptees are unhappy about their adoption and that sometimes adoption is corrupt. I haven't learned many positives about adoption at all in this section. Generally I feel this is a site that is mostly anti adoption.

maybe

The most important thing I have learned is the depth of the loss felt by so many adoptees.

ETA: I have also learned that fathers mostly get a "pass" on their responsibilities in regards to creating babies. Sadly, anger and abandonment issues are directed at the mothers (by adoptees, adoptive parents, extended family, and society in general).

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP

I was a lurker on here a LONG time before I felt it appropriate to say anything, mainly because I have no first hand knowledge of adoption. I am not part of the triad, and I am not close to anyone who is. It took a lot of following the links you guys posted, and some of my own soul searching before I came to my present views on adoption.

I found this Y!A about about 2 1/2 years ago (but I was a TC in the Dogs section) so I was very familiar with this site. I got pregnant and moved over to the P&P section. I don't remember exactly how I fell in love with this particular forum, But I do remember it was about 14 or 15 months ago because I just had Jayden and was running over with Post partum hormones! There were many nights that I followed links and read Q&A's and went to bed SOBBING! I had just had my son, and I couldn't imagine having him taken away from me! I fit the profile, I am young. (19 at the time, 21 now) crappy income, wanted to go to school, middle class, white, religious background (raised pentecostal, but I am atheist now), Ex BF no where to be seen. I was also suffering from SEVERE deppression, and felt like I could NOT be a good mom. I thought that I didn't want him. (After I got on Zoloft because I was having suicidal thoughts, I did a total 360, and thoroughly enjoyed the remainder of my pregnancy) It was all there, I just happen to have an amazing mom who supports me both emotionally and Financially.

Anywho, the most important thing I have learned is that the average adoption is NOT "beautiful" but actually ugly, messy, and in order for a family to be built through adoption, one has to be violently destroyed. Adoption comes from loss, and there are many coersion tactics used to get mothers to feel like they don't deserve their own children.

Flying Monkey #073177

I've been here a little over a year. The most important thing I have learned is that there is a forum out there in cyberland strictly FOR ADOPTEES, without coming here I never would have found it!

I Love A Child With Autism!!!

I have come here weekly if possible for the last 6 months. I think the most important thing I have learned to date is that not all adoptees are thankful that they were adopted. I do not mean that in a bad way, I was just of the mind set that the children would be glad they were "chosen" and that would make them feel special and loved. I never understood that they feel a deep sense of loss, that has nothing to do with their love and affection for their adoptive parents. It is something that saddens me in a way because I cannot prevent their pain, but it also make me a stronger parent because I now know the road that lies before me and I can have my homework done on the best way to handle it when my girls start feeling it.

MamaKate

Hi, LT!

I've been here for seven months. (Weird, it seems like years!)

I have learned so much here that choosing one fact or topic would be impossible but I can say that more important than any of the bits of information I have picked up here, the most important thing I've learned here is that I am not alone. It has been really educational and cathartic for me (although very frustrating and emotional at times!) to be here. There are people on this board for whom I have a deep respect and admiration and I appreciate their comments, opinions and in some cases even friendship. They have helped me learn, heal and examine and refine my own opinions.

Freckle Face

Dear Looney Tunes,

I have been here 11 months now.

Adoption should put the needs of the child above all else.

I agree with you. People don't think enough about its impact but what worries me more is that not enough people "get" its impact.

BLW_KAM

I've been here since August. I've learned I have a lot to learn (and birthmother is an offensive word to many people).

ETA: I like the new hair & hat!

littleJaina

Before I came here, I always thought it was a very small minority of biological (relinquishing) mothers who wanted contact with their children after the adoption, and that open adoption was not used more often because of their requests. Now, I believe that more biological parents would welcome an open adoption - and I realize, even more, how important this could be for everyone involved.

i think about 15months i think or at least that is when i started coming on regularly. That is when we started doing or foster to adopt pre service classes.
i learned so many things to numerous to count.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

i got here by accident in february.

the best thing that i learned was that there was the adult adoptees forum. that board has been a life saver.

grapesgum

I've been here for over a year.

I have learned that parenting should always be explored as the first option in an unplanned pregnancy.

I have learned that if parenting is not in the best interest of the child, there are other options to adoption, such as, kinship care and guardianship, which provide a safe environment for a child without wiping out his/her family history.

I have learned that there a lot of adoptive parents who would LOVE to turn the clock back to closed adoptions where they could get a baby without the "interference" of the natural parents.

Lori A

The most important things I have learned is that I really did have issues over surrendering my daughter. I wasn't crazy or being dramatic like I was told. That I had NO support system, no follow up on me, and was pretty much left alone to deal with MY problem, just like so many others.

AND MOST OF ALL I learned that the connection between my daughter and myself was very real, she could feel it too. She never forgot me like I was told she would.

Cherry Lee: I have told you before I take full responsibility for my actions. It was my decision, my choice. But that doesn't work for you does it? Even when we step up to the plate and assume responsibility you ignore us. We're just all the same to you aren't we, why is that?

RPMR

I've been here since August! The most important thing I've learned is the effect of adoption on the adopted child. As an adoptive mother that knowledge has made me a better mother for my little one.

psychokitty

Like Autumn....I also came here from P&P.....and started reading hormonally post-childbirth. I came from the other side of the story....and had thought about adoption in a feeling of desperation during 4 years of TTC (trying to conceive) and after 3 miscarriages.( After medical help I finally carried a baby to term and had a beautiful little girl)
Why I clicked on Adoption I don`t really know.....but what I read really opened my eyes and changed the rosy idea I had of adoption forever.

I hadn`t realised the depth of pain felt by first mothers or adoptee..... but reading stories while holding my baby I realised that giving up your child must be the hardest thing to ever recover from. Until that time I had really only emphasised with adoptive parents....as I knew too well the pain they had endured over infertility.

edit - I only lurked and read until today.....but I really wanted to ask/answer a question like this.

mama-of-4-babes

I just started to read this section, and I have noticed a trend in which a pattern is developing where children who were given up for adoption, go on then to have a child and put it up for adoption.
Just a thought

Indian-vision

Came here in June.

Adoption related
- The loss felt by birth mothers.
- Pain felt by adoptees.
- The baby scoop Era.
- What we can do as adoptive parents.
- Domestic adoptions are unnecesarry in many cases.
- What foster children are all about. Enjoyed reading LT's accounts .
- The misconceptions people have about International adoption and will continue clubbing adoptions from all Countries in the same bag. They will generalise and ignore you no matter how much you try and teach them about India specific in this section.
- They will continue citing the few but rare cases of children kidnapped and adopted out as if thats what happens in India. No matter how much i tell them India is not pro International adoption- 450 adoptions versus China- 5400 adoption in 2007. They will ignore you.
- People will keep saying "culture and Language" is important but won't ask my Country men what they want.

General stuff
- People will thumb you down any way. So let that not get to you.
- People will report you anyway so don't take it personally.
- Many people have several accounts and will use it to further their agenda.

Lucas H

have come here weekly if possible for the last 6 months. I think the most important thing I have learned to date is that not all adoptees are thankful that they were adopted. I do not mean that in a bad way, I was just of the mind set that the children would be glad they were "chosen" and that would make them feel special and loved. I never understood that they feel a deep sense of loss, that has nothing to do with their love and affection for their adoptive parents. It is something that saddens me in a way because I cannot prevent their pain, but it also make me a stronger parent because I now know the road that lies before me and I can have my homework done on the best way to handle it when my girls start feeling it.

jazminsmith4sho

Well, I was adopted when i was like 2 because mah bio. mom and my bio. dad tryed to kill me when i was younger.

nd i need help looking for my bio. father.

and i didnt learn ****

i was too young

yeahright

Been here for a long time lurking...but then started to post a few months ago.

I think the extremes of the answers and questions were eye opening but extremely helpful for me to center in on a norm of how I feel and how I will parent. There are some assumptions that adoptive parents are horrible and adopting only due to the inability to conceive and that their adoptive children are fill in dolls (seriously, really?). That many posts assume relingquishing parents were all 100% "taken advantage of." I also found with some surprise how angry some adoptees were (and given some of the posts--rightly so) and how many of them were hanging on--even fanning each other's angers. This is a good place for many to rationalize their choices from many years ago and for some it's probably good therapy.

I love the board. There are some incredibly smart and informed people on here---and there are some incredibly stupid ones--but we can all get together and express ourselves. Great place.

Annabelle

I have been on here since July as i was getting in touch with my bio mother & bio father for the first time.
Itcan be a very touchy subject, with strong views in all directions given.
Some answers are very judgemental and strongly opiniated, that their views are always right.
Constant thumbs down to a question is unecessary & shows lack of empathy in most cases.
Alot of adoptees are hurting and are still suffering.
Adoptive parents are seeing as doing the wrong thing 9 times out of 10.....when they have the best intentions.

You cannot change the past & holding on to it makes no sense to me, i had a shocking life of abuse as a child in my Adoptive family, do i blame my bio-mother for that? since she relinquished me? do i use this as an excuse not to move forward.....No!

Birthers are NOT mothers

The most important thing discussed on her it that nothing is the adandoners fault. The children were "lost"!

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