How many APs do you suppose feel like this, but just go along instead?

Camira B

I honestly believe that this is what happens when the adoption industry push the "as if born to" myth. There is no way anyone can make an informed decision about whether or not adopting is right for them when they don't understand everything that goes along with it.

This woman said she never expected to feel like this. Why not? Why didn't anyone explain the possibilities? This is a very sad consequence of spewing out lies...especially for that little boy.

To answer the question, I don't suspect a lot of them do. At least, that's what I get from talking to the ones I've met so far.

Torrejon

Actually, I think this woman made an incredibly difficult, but correct-for-her decision. At least she made the decision quickly. The sooner the better, I say.

Erin L

There is currently a discussion of this case on adoptionthreads. It was interesting. The adoptees all applauded her for realizing she wasn't up to the job and making the decision sooner than later. The adoptive parents all said she had no commitment to her child and told of experiences that attachment takes time - certainly more than 2 weeks! I personally think she needed to grieve over her infertility before adopting - infertility issues were obviously in the way - and then have had some education on the attachment process with an adopted toddler. Those things could have prevented this from happening. I was sad that the little boy didn't get to go back to his siblings. I don't know why. I wonder what has happened with him.

Freckle Face

Dear Sunny,

I'm sure there are some.

I think she did the right thing. I'm disappointed she got so far along in the adoption process without anyone realizing she hadn't properly grieved. It is a huge thing not being able to have biological children. Its like a death. Its healthy to let it all out and work through the emotions instead of believing the end result is just having a child. I can see where adoption could be used as a crutch to sidetrack or bury some pretty powerful and unattractive emotions.

I don't believe people who bury their emotions do so intentionally. They probably don't even know they are doing it. Its the child who suffers though and that's not fair.

We were advised to join a bereaved parents group. They pretty much hold your hand through each step of grief. It was instrumental in our recovery. There should be a support group for people suffering from infertility to help them work through the steps of grief. It would be nice if couples wanting to adopt and suffering from infertility had to go through this standard support group. That would benefit everyone involved in my opinion.

opedial

I will honestly admit that when I received my children, I went through profound grief at my own inability to have children. This grief though, did not override the joy at having my children. I would never consider "giving" them back or sending them back to foster care. My children needed a family, and however we got together, we got together. But I think peopel who have been through infertifily do need to expect feeling that can come up, and be sure they are dealt with. I dealt with my grief and moved on and now am very happy.

I do in no way regret my decision to adopt, but I had to close the chapter of possibly conceiving a biological child to move forward. And I had to do it quickly because when you adopt three children, well, not too much time for grief!

Crucio

This just shows that adoption is not everyone. I think she did the right thing the little boy deserved to be adopted by parent(s) who would truly love him with all of their hearts Thatâ€™s what all children deserve regardless if they are adopted or not. Unfortunately this woman could not do that but at least she did what was best for the little boy.

This shows even more that if someone is going to adopt solely because they are having infertility issues that they shouldnâ€™t just jump into it. They should as some have said here grieve their inability to have a biological child. After they have done that then see if adoption is for them. Though I suppose in some situations like this it might not truly be known until the child is in the home.

Pilgrim Pam

I have heard of this happening 2 times in my own community. I think it is absolutely appalling and I firmly believe that if you give a child back for any reason your rights to ever adopt again should be revoked.

Randy B

While her feelings are so far removed from my own experiences I think that she is more to be applauded for her decision then condemned for it. She recognized her own failings and conflicts with adoption a bit later then I would prefer but at least she recognized them and did what she thought was best.

There was a question posted earlier today about adopted children that had been abused and killed. While I don't mean to imply that this would have been the case if she had kept the child, at least we know that she did what she felt was right rather then keep a child she feels conflicted over. If she had not returned the child, might we have been reading a much more tragic story?

Rowan

To be honest, i think this is very rare, at least i hope so.
Seems to me this woman had not fully come to terms with her own infertility, and had she kept the little boy, he only would have suffered, because feeling as she did, she would never have been able to hide the fact that to her, he was second choice.
That poor little boy, hopefully he ends up in a home where hes loved for him, and nnot someones idea of him.

myst1998

Oh wow. What a story.

I personally think, while it is a tragedy in some ways for this little boy to be placed back in foster care, she was at least being very honest with herself and actually faced with the reality of this actual breathing, living child and not a fairy tale or dream child, she was able to face herself. What she did in returning him was place his needs first. Imagine she had kept him and had resented him the rest of his life because it highlighted her 'failings' (as she put it).

I don't think she is a bi@#$, I think she is a brave woman battling some very hard things within herself. It is very sad a little boy was involved but it was only two weeks, not years and years.

I hope this little boy finds a permanent placement soon and a family who doesn't need to face these things.

A very sad story but refreshing to see there are honest people out there still.

Angela B

First of all there is a things call post adoption depression yes just like post partum depression. You feel inadequate as a mother or father get depressed and generally feel awful. I wonder if she was aware of this if the outcome would have been the same. Sounds like she was questioning herself as a mother not as an adoptive mother though it did come up because she adopted.

Annabelle

No, I dont think this is normal at all. Some people experience post adoption depression but this just seems ...well horrible. And why bother writing him a letter telling him he wasnt good enough for her b/c he wasnt her biological child. That was just to alleviate her guilt not in his best interest. I think this woman would have also had issues if she had a child with a physical or mental disability.

At least she recognized that he needed love and she couldnt give it to him. Too bad she couldnt have figured it out ahead of time. Poor little guy!

Kazi

I had a definite emotional reaction to this article and I can't decide if it's because my experience was so different as I fell in love with both of my children instantly and I simply can't understand those that don't or is it because another adult failed this innocent child. Maybe both.

After reading this article I think that she probably suffered from post adoption blues and could very well have attached to her son once she received some help. I know of only a couple of women who did not attach to their daughter's after coming home from China, but decided they were going to do what needed to be done and they got the help they needed. Now they are all flourishing.

I believe that mothering, whether it's biological or through adoption, is simply not for everyone. While giving birth to and adopting may be different, at the core it is about commitment. Mothers do what ever they have to do to protect their children. Now some may say that by giving them up that's exactly what they did... but then is giving up a child only admirable if it's done by an adoptive parent? Will the child be spared emotional damage because the woman who gave him up wasn't blood? Or will he be hampered with more baggage that not one, but 2 mothers left him?

2 weeks, IMO, is simply not enough time. Yes, she should have grieved her infertility. But like Freckle Face said, she may not have understood the depth of that grief. But I also think she could have worked through her pain while still be a mother to a very real son. We all have grief. We all lose someone, but we don't turn our backs on family because it's hard. You get through it, because at the core, you want to.

Maybe she just didn't. And that's a shame. For Ben.

ladybmw1218

I don't think she researched attachment and bonding ahead of time, and had unrealistic, and even ridiculous expectations. How many people fall in love, with anyone, in two weeks? They had only just met...it takes time to get to know someone, even if that someone is a 2 yo.

Also, just as some people have children for the wrong reasons (because it's "expected", to help an ailing marriage, or to have someone to love them) some people adopt for those same wrong reasons.

I think many parents, both natural and adoptive, spend too much time on the logistics of becoming parents (getting pregnant, being pregnant, birth plans...or homestudies and adoption agencies etc), and not enough time examining themselves to figure out why they want to be parents, or what it even means.

Not unlike some women who spend way more time planning their wedding then preparing to be in a marriage (hope that makes sense).

Angela R

When I started reading the article, the first thing that came to mind was Post Adoption Depression. http://library.adoption.com/articles/post-adoption-depression-.html

PAD isn't something that a lot of people talk about, but it does affect some adoptive parents, just like like some women who give birth suffer signifigantly from post-partum depression. It's more common in adoptions of older children, and and I think a lot of adoption disruptions occur in part because adoptive parents are not expecting this to happen and assume that they'll never bond with their new child.

I am suprised that her social worker wasn't more aware of this beng a possibiliy, and jumped to the conclusion that it wasn't recommended for the family to "keep" the child. They should have been made aware that this was a somewhat common occurance, and didn't mean that she just lacked the ability to love a child she didn't give birth to. Thankfully this little boy was able to join a new family right away, but I'm sure this did add to the trauma he was already experiencing.

yeahright

I would guess very few.

Looney Tunes

This is disgusting. And I feel for the child. This women is horrible...because Ben has now been REJECTED 2 times....

And she says......"It wasn't about him....It was about ME."
Surprise there......what a *****

Thank goodness Ben was adopted...he is a cutey.

monkeykitty83

I think her expectations were extremely unrealistic. She didn't feel a bond with him after two weeks? That's no time at all, especially when he was going through a major transition period-- and immediately after he was separated from his siblings, who he would be missing and actively grieving for. What exactly did she think would happen, an instant bond like she'd given birth to him? She sounds like she was ill-prepared emotionally for the adoptive parenting experience.

I would suspect many adoptive parents do have concerns about feeling attached, and worry that it will never happen. But I think the majority persevere through it, rather than just deciding to give up. Attachment between children and adoptive parents CAN and DOES happen... with time and effort. You can't just quit if you don't feel it instantly.

This woman also does not seem to have grieved over her infertility and resolved her feelings about it. She thought an adopted son could replace the biological urge she felt, and it just didn't work. That's another area in which she should have received more screening. Her feelings about her infertility sound too raw for her to have even considered adoption in that emotional state, let alone being matched with a child.

I think most adoptive parents realize (at least to some degree) that attachment is a process, not an on/off switch. Not all adoptive parents are infertile, and those who are may have fully processed their feelings about it, and come to terms with it before considering adoption.

So no, I don't think this woman is typical, and I think she should have received more psychological preparation before she was allowed to adopt.

Jessica

That is amazing. i give her a standing applause for her strength and her courage for what she did. if i was a AP and i wasn't able to have a child and felt the way she did. I would not put that child through a life that could be better because of my fear, love, and sadness for that child.

The Truth

relatively few, I'm sure

I believe most APs probably fall in love with their child immediately, and stay in love.

Maybe a few find it "Different' than they'd imagined it, but the majority of THOSE "go along with it" (meaning they "hang in there" for awhile while they adjust) and THEN fall in love with their child.. What's so wrong with that?

Part of me thinks this woman should have given it longer.. I'm sure she could have fallen in love with him. But I guess she knows herself better than I do, and I do most certainly believe she (And infertile PAps) should have been/should be given much better grief counseling, etc, dealing with infertility grief well before going through adoption. Women even THINKING about adoption need to be given alot of education about it before actually doing it.

But once again, your efforts to try to make it appear that the majority of APs can't love an adopted child as much as if it were born to them (What you're trying to imply by asking "don't most feel this way and just don't talk about it), is a low blow and speaks volumes for your character (not nice things).

Sly

I think that this is perhaps not common, but not uncommon either. The only thing that is curious about it is that it was an infant. This is referred to as a disrupted adoption or failed adoption and when something has a name and a statistic, it is no longer in the odd or rare category.

Post Adoption Depression is NOT like Post Partum Depression. PPD (also called Baby Blues) is a physical thing, caused by the hormones of pregnancy and their return to normal, prepregnancy state which can take a long time. Suggesting that PAD is the same seems just another way to diminish the very real physical changes that a woman goes thru during pregnancy, labor and delivery and the aftermath. To make it less than it is and downplay the significance that childbirth is physical, emotional, spiritual. It also serves to downplay the fact that a woman who is not healed fully should never be expected to choose adoption over parenting.

Sorry if some PAPs little bundle of joy is not what they expected, but to suggest that disappointment and fear of being inadequate is the same as wildly fluctuating hormonal changes manifesting physical and emotional changes are the same is at best wishful thinking and at worst an attempt to subvert the natural, physical connectedness for the industry's purposes.

ETA: It is interesting that people suggest that she surrendered too quickly, after having the child with her for 2 weeks, not allowing herself time to attach, and yet, a mother is expected to surrender at birth. Why the double standards?

mony sue

I would hope none. That is horrible. Children are not puppies that you can bring home and play with for a week or two and then decide oops this is not for me. Why would you do something like that? You can't tell me that you try for years to have a baby just to get it and decide nope never mind I guess I don't want him after all and return him. Sounds to me like she just wanted what she wanted and it didn't matter what was in the best interest of the child and or the father. But the father should have stood up for this little guy. How heart wrenching. This story brought me to tears. People like that make me so mad. Selfish Selfish Selfish twitt.........

IDK!!

I would NEVER!!!!

Trust me, we've been tried a ton, and I would never give him "back", unless that meant following is wished when he is old enough to do so., and "back" would be to his natural home, so how could that be wrong, right?

Anyway, an AP "gives back" an adopted child, she a heartless bi@ch and if it's the natural parents, they just lacked support.

I agree with the person below me. You get 1 shot, and thats it.

I wonder how many PARENTS think about this. I mean there are kids voluntarily place in foster care everyday.

Indian-vision

Sadly there are people who feel this way. Just like post partum depression, there is post adoption blues. I have heard stories of these. Somehow i get goosebumps in a sad way the moment i think of that unfortunate child. I feel angry for these people for not grieving before entering adoption.

I have time and time again disuaded people in my community for adopting if i feel they are doing it for filling in the gap that infertilty brings.

The moment i hear people talking about needing a child from their religon/caste etc i know they will have a hard time accepting parenting to a child not related to them by blood. Caste system is very derogatory in my country and if people still follow it they can never have an open mind.

If some one tells me they will keep trying to conceive while waiting for an adoptive child.....(and they are many) .....i ask them to be step away from adoption and keep trying till they succeed.

If some one tells me they plan to keep adoption a secret and pretend as if they gave birth. I ask them to resolve infertility issues before they step on the adoption journey.

Yes there are people who enter adoption for all wrong reasons and they should be given an education

ETA- I didn't realise she surrendered in 2 weeks. That changes things. I don't think she in particular is awfull. She was brave and realistic. I thought she kept him for 2 years of his life. Now that would have made her a B&%$@

allchildrenareangels

thats horrible

Mama of 2

What a bit#$!!!!

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