How many adoptees are comfortable talking to their aparents?

Linny G

I still do not like talking about my adoption with my a parents. They "followed the rules" as far as old school agencies went, and automatically think something is wrong with them when I bring up the subject.

It was denial city when growing up, it still is. My a Mom insists that I look like her (not even close, lol) and that I am nothing like my n family. I look exactly like my n mom & siblings, we all are even in the same industry. Its pretty spooky.

I have learned to not get too upset with them, though, because I realize why my a parents act that way. Because they were told to do so. They, even at the age of 75, have STILL not come to grips with their loss of infertility.

I have tried to explain to them why never acknowledging the pain I had surrounding my relinquishment hurt me, but I only end up hurting them, so, like them, I just don't talk about it. They only want to talk about the good. But, they are like that with everything, not just my adoption. They're kind of old school like that. "If we don't talk about it, it must not be happening."

Im just NOW finding out bits and pieces of things that the agency told them about my n fam (some true, some not) and they never told me. When I asked them why, they said, "It just wasn't important to us, you were ours." GULP.

They supported me in my search, because they always knew I would search. I think the only reason they were ok with it was because I had no contact with my n mom after I found her. Now that I am in active reunion with my sibs, though, its been a bit uncomfortable for me, and them, which is really sad.

I just use the same explanation to them as I do everyone else- that for me to NOT want to know my n fam would go against everything they taught me about love and family.

Its sad that as a 43 year old woman, I still have to walk on eggshells.

Patti R

I have a hard time talking to my Mom, I am 44 and just 4 years ago even realized my adoption was an issue( talk about denial).
I feel she was always the one aloud to have big feelings because she had 2 girls that died before she got me.She never thought I could be hurting I was the lucky one. I didnt understand why I was angry, scared, lost and shut down. When i tried to tell her a few months ago how my adotion effected me, she rolled her eyes and said, I know plently of adpoted people and none of them feel like that. it was a kick in the teeth. hurt to the core. Finally she decided to read an adoption book after I called her on the phone and emotionally puked for 1/2 hour hysterical w/ my true feelings. i couldnt take it any more. I know she reads the book but I am afraid to bring it up in fear that i will be judged or told how i feel.( Which was the theme of my upbringing.) She's acting more sensitve to me, with out feeling as judged but I am still afraid.She has always been so empathetic and ready to understand everyone elsed pain. That always made it hard.

DevonChaos

I cannot talk to them about it. I'm 30 years old, and if I try to bring up the subject, I get a different story every time. I've heard so many different things from my mother about my adoption that I've just stopped asking. I never tried to "spare her feelings" although she definitely never spared mine. If she wanted to offer some truths, I'd be willing to listen, but like I said, every time I bring it up, I hear things that I know aren't true.
She is getting older and sicker, and making less and less sense now anyhow, so I am going to have to blindly fall into things if I ever want to find out any information about this. I pray that my mother is the only one who reacts like this the questions. Surely there are some aparents out there who would encourage reunion and answer all questions.

Cool Hal

For me it is easier not to. They have always been supportive and open and approachable, but they just dont get it.

I mentioned a few years back that I had found where my bio mum lives and was thinking about getting in contact. They actually said all the right things, they would help me if I wanted, to be careful in case I got hurt but if it went well they would not be adverse to meeting in etc etc. But then they asked my why and I tried to explain that it was nothing to do with them but it about a bit of me being missing which is where it started to go wrong - what part of me did I feel was missing, why did I feel like that etc - I just got frustrated and annoyed with them.

So now I dont talk to them about it.

kateiskate

I love my adoptive mom and talk to her a lot now that I'm out on my own, but it's very hard for me to talk about adoption to her. She comes from the school of "The past is in the past" and always told me growing up how special I am and how glad she is she has me in her life. I feel so guilty bringing it up sometimes because I don't want her to feel that I want to look for my birth family because she is not enough for me or that she has not loved me enough.

Mei-Ling

Yep.

Didn't want them to feel guilty or uncomfortable.

To this day?

STILL don't want them to feel guilty or uncomfortable!

PhilM

*raised hand*

I have a very hard time talking to my (adoptive) parents about this. Dad is not an emotional guy. We can joke around and the like, but we have had few "deep" conversations. I think (because of a couple of incidents) he feels threatened by the topic of my adoption, so I don't push it with him.

With my mom, we have been closer, in a way. She's more open to these discussions, and we have talked a little. But our last conversation about adoption might very well be our last conversation about adoption, if you take my meaning. I don't think she can hear my own perspective. I'm not sure why, though I have some guesses. It's not worth it for me to bring it up.

I think I said a week or so ago... they were probably told that adoption was the same as giving birth. They come from an era were they were taught not to treat me differently, and probably not to talk about it at all. In some ways, it's probably amazing that they told me I was adopted (I've known all my life).

So I don't harbor any hard feelings about it. But it's not a topic of conversation. It never has been, and probably never will be.

rachael

i was never comfortable talking about it alot. we talked about it, but when i would try to ask things i could feel the lump in my throat swell.

i was afraid to hurt them. i didnt want to downplay their place in my life. my amom and dad are my MOM AND DAD. my bios are addressed by their first names. i adore them, but i can not call them mom and dad. i have told them this, they seem to be comfortable with it.

i cant explain why it was so hard other then the 'respect' issue. not wanting to hurt them. they didnt make me feel like that-it was in my own mind that did that.

âœ§ â“â“˜â“›â“¨ â™¥ kaelers, emy & bella

I have no problem at all, but I don't know how I'd be were I adopted younger. I was 11 when I was adopted, so I was fully aware of what was going on and what was happening. I had many (unhappy) years with my natural mother, so my godparents were a breath of fresh air. After my initial mistrust of them for a few months, I felt comfortable telling them anything and still do.

Were I adopted younger though, or had a more traditional adoptive family instead of my wacky godparents, I can totally see where discomfort would be an issue.

sunny

Yes, it's an emotional minefield. I rarely discuss it anymore, not worth it.

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