How many of you are going through an open adoption right now?

realmom lese

You are fortunate that the adoptive family is following through on the openness of the adoption. This is not the norm. Open adoptions are not legally enforceable in a court of law. This open adoption you are in could close at any time. That would be devastating for you and your daughter.

The problem is, if you stop or slow down contact, more than likely the AP's will do the same. They may not understand that it is very common for natural mothers to need these spaces of time, and to back off from the adoptive family. They may hold it against you, and say you didn't care.....when the thing is.....you cared so much you had to back away to heal.

And yes, it hurts when you don't know at all what's going on with your child, and it hurts when you do. It's a no win situation.

My advice is to hang in there, and try to communicate this to the adoptive family. Tell them that you appreciate so much how they've been, and you'll try your best to be responsive, but sometimes it hurts and you can't respond, and for them to please not hold that against you.

It sounds like you got a very lovely set of parents raising your daughter, and I think they would work with you on this. I'm sorry that you are going through this, but I understand it completely.

BLW_KAM

SaraLee,

I'm an adoptive mom in an open adoption. Our daughter is ten years old now and from Day 1 the relationship has been wide open with e-mails, phone numbers, and face-to-face visits in each other's homes.

Like you, our daughter's natural mother has backed away at times. She's been married, divorced and had two more children since the adoption. I don't push her when she's quiet because I know we'll hear from her when she's ready.

About a year ago I put together a MySpace account mostly for my daughter's natural family. Her other mother writes comments, leaves notes and is trying to teach me how to play Mobster. For now, this seems to be working well. She can see how her daughter is doing, but she has the space and privacy she seems to need.

Perhaps if you need to drift a little you can still stay in contact through the Internet. It's less intense than direct contact, but it's still a good way to stay in touch.

Just a thought.

kidmindi

I am an adoptive mom in an open adoption. My daughter's first mom is now expecting again, and she calls me up with pregnancy questions and asking for baby advice (I have 5 bio kids).

There have been times where she has backed away. I am sure that after her new baby is born, we won't hear from her as much. She will be busy with her baby.

She called the other day and told me how that she is hurting a bit more about the adoption now that she is pregnant again. The pregnancy bis bringing back a lot of memories for her and she is afraid that social services will somehow learn about what happened with her first baby (there were some neglect issues) and will take her new baby.

I reassure her that she will be a good mom.

If you need a break for now, explain to your daughter's parents that while you want to keep the adoption open, you need to back away and have some time right now.

sizesmith

As a mother involved in an open adoption, which our door will always be open, but the first mom doesn't come through, I wonder what to tell our son. I would want to know if I've been too open for her, or if she's uncomfortable with the situation. The only way this will work in the long run is to have open communication. If you tell the AP's that you're uncomfortable right now, and wish to cut down visits, they may or may not work with you. Before you make any decisions, talk with the A-mom.

I'd also recommend trying to get some counseling. There are many programs that are state paid if you can't afford it, and there are support groups that you can probably find out from other local mothers there through pregnancy resource centers. I wish you luck in your journey!

allchildrenareangels

figure out just how open you want this. I mean if you just want a letter and a picture once a year. Or whatever would be ideal for you. Call the AP and let them know it is overwhelming to you. Asking if it is okay to step it back a notch to whatever you are comfortable with. Ask them if you do this will they go out of your life forever because, you don't want that. Honesty and openess is always the best policy. Good luck.

Love,
Michelle

Corn is not dog food! No wheat!

If you want to "drift off a little", you should tell them that. Make a plan for as much contact as you want.

Example: 2 emails a month, copies of all the snapshots mailed/emailed to you, and a visit 2 times a year.

or, whatever you want.

They seem like they're being open and honest with you, try to do the same with them.

farm mom of 10

I adopted three children through foster care, two are siblings, adopted at different times. The birth mother of my first adopted child didn't want anything. She is borderline retarded, and has lost six of her nine children.
The birth mother of the siblings I think would have not asked for contact, well, actually, she didn't, but her own mother desperately wanted contact. At first, I wasn't sure, but my daughter was four before our adoption was final, and she was grieving for her first family. So I opened it to the extended family. Birth mom needs to get a bit more stable before she actually comes back into my little girls life, she is still drug addicted and suicidal, but she and my daughter, who is five now, exchange letters and my daughter draws her pictures.

I guess what is important is: will the little girl be hurt if you back off? And maybe you spend too much time agonizing over it all? Which would be normal. In other words, if it's just you and the birth parents writing, don't worry so much. Respond when you hear from them, but don't initiate much. But if the little girl is involved, consider her feelings first.

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