How many other adoptees are in rocky reunions?

And how long do you hang in there for? I've tried, but there is nothing there. We have nothing in common and because of that I think I'm just hurting her. N (my bio mom) really wants to be my mother in every way and I do not want or need that. And it just seems to make her sadder and angrier. While she seems to be cool with my dad; she clearly resents my mom and even though I have warned her, she can't help herself but to put her down. I'm not having it. I have told her that whenever she does this, I will either hang up, walk away, log off my space or wherever we are talking, which then when I do, despite my fair warnings, she cries. And I feel guilty. My mom tells me she thinks N is doing this out of her own sense of guilt and that I just need to give her time. I get that, but is it my fault? My responsibility? I have told her that I don't hate her, or blame her. What else am I supposed to say? Do I fake that we have this connection that she is so insistant that we have? And if I do that, then who is this reunion for any way? It's getting to the point where I feel tense and defensive when we meet or talk. It's not relaxed. Again, my mom is telling me that it will just take time and that I need to hold onto this link because I might feel differently about N down the line and will then regret letting her walk away. Ugh. My mom also thinks it might help if I make a list of rules or boundaries, but I've tried a few and N doesn't take well to those. Everything I say that doesn't mesh with what she decides is true she assumes my mom is, as she said, putting me up to it. N insists I call her mom. I won't. I can't. She insists that I come and live with her. Um, I am 28 and I live with my boyfriend thanks. She insists that I must have been miserable growing up without her. I wasn't. I had a pretty happy childhood. N wants me to say that I wish I hadn't been given up. And this is tricky. Being given away has always stung for me. The rejection I mean. And I told her so. But I don't regret being adopted by my family. I tell her this and it enrages her. N says they have turned me against her. Not true. At this point, I really and truly do not feel like I am getting anything out this and I wonder what she could be getting as she always just seems to end up crying because I don't feel the way she wants or needs me to. Sorry this is so long. Just looking for some advice I guess.
Additional Details
I wish I could give thumbs up to all 3 of you, but sadly, not enough YA points.

I have suggested she see someone, which went over like a lead balloon. As she puts it, I'm the one that needs the help simply because I am not maladjusted.

Thank you, Maybe, I have read a few of the blogs that you mention and will check out a few others.

eharrah1

I went thru a lot of what you are describing. I found my b-mom, she is messed up mentally from her supposed molestation by her father and giving me up for adoption. When I found her, she immediately wanted to move in with me. I was to stupid, or maybe too needy of that connection, to say no. Worst mistake of my life. 7 years of her bouncing in and out of my life. She comes in, wants to take over, always life has to revolve around her. Also, like you, she wants me to say that she made a mistake. She did not. My two half sisters by her were in therapy for years because she left them at a friends house, supposedly to go get groceries and did not look back. Did she make a mistake? No, best thing she ever did. I had a great childhood. Everything I ever needed, most everything I wanted. They still, at 42, help me out. I am out of work right now and having hard time. Mom called me today and told me they are going to help get my car fixed. Do I regret finding my b-mom. No, I needed the closure. But I do not regret finally telling her to get out and stay out. This last time she was here, she was on the phone with her friends just sobbing her eyes out because I am such a mean person. I was mean because I would not let her interfere anymore. She would always butt in on my conversations. I could be discussing one of the kids in the bedroom with the door shut. She would open the door and start commenting on what me and my husband were talking about. One of the kids would ask me a question and she would answer. I could go on for hours, but won't. I just wanted to say, follow your heart. You know who your parents are, that is why you can not call her mom. If you are not comfortable with the relationship she wants, set the boundaries and do not let her cross them. My b-mom knew that my parents did not like her, but there are times, with three kids, they would meet. b-mom did everything she could during those times to throw her relationship with me in their faces. I finally got the point where I said no more. She has three daughters and nine grandchildren, none of which she can have anything to do with. I tell you all this to let you know you are not alone. Follow your heart and do not let N step over those boundaries.

snowwillow20

N clearly needs counseling. She has gone through a lot of grief and unhappiness in her life and she hopes you did too. That is not a mentally stable woman, she needs help.
When I found my bdaughter, I let her make all the rules, she said I wasn't her mother and i wasn't her kids grandmother, but you know I could live with that since she said there was no reason why we couldn't be friends. I gave up my right to be her mother but not my right to love her.
Tell her how it is and set up some boundaries. I know how she feels about your mom, I've had those feelings of jealously too but I keep them to my self. Ask her to get counseling, don't be surprised when she doesn't go or when she gets mad at you for not doing things her way.

I am not in a rocky reunion, ours has turned out pretty good.

jdsbps

Sometimes we find ourselves in unhealthy relationships. Whether it is with a boyfriend, friend, or in your case a biological parent. It sounds like "N" has huge guilt and is jealous of your relationship with your adoptive mom. If she can't accept that your adoptive parents are your parents you might have to distance yourself from her. This was her decision not yours and it isn't your fault. Also, I'm glad you included your age. If you were 15 I wouldn't want to cut the ties to your biological family just yet but you are an adult and able to make this decision if you decide to do so. Also, don't fake a bond that you don't feel, that is only going to hurt you and "N". Good luck.

Heather B

I think that there are many pitfalls to be negotiated in reunion.

I'd suggest a copy of the 'Adoption Reunion Survival Guide'

I hope you are able to work things through. Your adoptive Mom sounds very supportive too, which is always good.

Kate

For nearly five years now I have been dealing with what some have said is the worst reunion they have ever heard of. I met my biological mother and father at the age of fifteen and the moment they came into my life. my biological mother wanted to rule my life. It was a Friday when we first knew of each other and my biological mother wanted to met me two days later. She wrote in her card to me. "Love Mom & Dad #1). Excuse me. They signed over their rights years ago, they had no right to make a decision on me calling them mom and dad. Then my biological mother within the first hour again told me she hated my hair and thought I had horrible acne.

Okay, you do not even tell a stranger that let alone your own biological child who you figure who'd be grateful for all the adoptive parents have provided but no. My mother and father having raised over 175 foster children and yet my biological mother said they were too old to be raising a teenager and had no experience what so ever.

Anyway, things were on and off and would always start great but as soon as I did not agree with my biological mother she slammed the door on me. It was her way and no one else's and still to this day I am the one she blames and plays victim to, I did not do anything wrong.

After some threats I have received from my biological family I decided enough was enough, that I would move on and my not being in their lives is a loss to them.

Anha S

I had a very rocky reunion with my first mother. I met her a few days after the initial phone call. I met far too many people far too fast, things very quickly became overwhelming, and before I knew it, she was taking over my wedding plans and turning them into this huge monster of a thing that I couldn't afford and didn't want. Then she tried to mother me, and expected me to be ok with it. I was out on my own with a child of my own, I didn't need her to tell me how to live my life. Things really started to degrade when I got pregnant with my 2nd child. She took and took and took and rarely gave, and it wore on me. I twisted myself up like a pretzel to try to please her because I was so terrified of losing her. Things came to a head when I decided to move to a different province, and she decided that I had to be right in her city to have a relationship. It was at that point that I realized everything was on her terms, for her reasons, and that I doubted it would ever be anything different. I knew I didn't want her in my life when she threatened physical violence on my amom. Regardless of how I felt about my mom, there was no way that I was going to stand for physical threats against her. Unfortunately I also backed away from my sister at the same time and lost out on over 8 years with her.

I'm in a pretty healthy re-reunion with my sister now, as well as my aunts from my first dad's side of the family. I'm taking it slow, but so far so good. I think the biggest thing that I've learned is to listen to myself. I didn't trust myself, and the feelings of others always took precedence over my own. Things didn't have to morph into the monster they became, I could have said something sooner. You've also been given some pretty terrific links that are very helpful.

Your amom is right in a sense though. Don't burn bridges before you are absolutely sure that you want them burned. Just listen to yourself and trust that you know what is best for your life.

maybe

I think it would be helpful for both of you to read up on as much adoption related literature as possible. Many reunions take place before either party has had time to read about the experiences of others and to fully prepare for the emotions that can be unleashed unexpectedly.

You and your mother should read books and blogs written by adoptees and other natural mothers to get a feel for what others have been through. You don't need to figure this out on your own, many others have been through this and can share their experiences.

I tried to suggest sources that are mother/daughter relationships:

Suggested reading from the adoptee's point of view:
http://sisterheping.wordpress.com/
http://a-daughter-doing-it-right.blogspot.com/
http://joy21.wordpress.com
http://www.nancyverrier.com/

Suggested reading from the natural mother's point of view:
http://writingmywrongs.typepad.com/writing_my_wrongs/
http://jmomma.wordpress.com/

Blogs jointly written by mother/daughter:
http://dnadiaries.blogspot.com/
http://adoptionanimalhouse.blogspot.com/

bananarama

i hate to say this but n sounds kinda selfish. do you think she even understands what she had put you through? Or do you think she is just thinking of herself. do you think she did what was best for you out of love or was it for herself? If you found her once chances are you could find her again. have you expressed the emotions you had to deal wiht growing up to her? Maybe that would open her eyes a little to the fact that she put you through this for whatever reason and it should be all about you right now! I just found my n earlier this week and thing are going great so this is all just my opinions not anything i have experienced, well except for all those emotions i was talking about.

What?

Not to paraphrase: Just read my other questions, you'll see why telling this story again is more than a cause for heartburn. You may even find some answers.

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