How much do hormones have to do with relinquishment to adoption?

spydermomma

Sunny, thanks for a very interesting, original question!

You know, I can't speak from personal experience of giving birth or relinquishing, but I have been pregnant a few times. And gosh, did I ever feel vulnerable, fragile, weepy (more than usual <grin>, I'm a cheap cry) and just generally not as in control of my mind as I otherwise do. And there is the fear of the awesome responsibility you are facing as well, and I'd bet most first time mothers or expectant mothers some of the time think that they just won't be able to handle everything. So yeah, I do think it is likely that that has influenced women, both during their pregnancies and after giving birth, into relinquishing -- and it definitely would make them much more vulnerable to coercion.

Speaks to the need to eliminate pre-birth "matching" (something else I hadn't thought of till coming here), and a long, LOOONG waiting period after birth -- along with extensive and UNBIASED counseling (or biased in favor of parenting).

Robin

I still remember the overwhelming sense of AWE looking at this whole tiny human being that just came out of my body. I couldn't get over it. It was strange and magical and scary and numbing all at once. I turned 17 just 6 & 1/2 weeks before her birth.

I wasn't until I gave birth to my son 7 &1/2 years later that I realized many of the emotions I had experienced with my daughter were NORMAL and not because I was a young mother. No one TOLD me what to expect after giving birth. Or that what I felt was normal.

I don't know if everyone feels this after giving birth; but each time I did, I thought of my first mom. I couldn't imagine her going through what I had just gone through and then having to let go of my child. How painful & devastating that would be!! I don't think I'd be strong enough to bare that pain. With my daughter's birth, I wondered what my first mom would think hearing she was a grandmother.

By the time I had my son, I knew who my first mom was and she was a part of our family. She'd danced at my wedding (to my 2nd husband), along with my ('new') sister & brother.

After the birth of my son, I can clearly remember thinking, "How can anyone go to war?" Crazy, grand, global thoughts. Overwhelming joy, a sense of calm. Strange and magical. Not scary that time. Older & wiser I guess. A few weeks after he was born, I dissolved into tears in the doorway of his room one afternoon. Within minutes, I remember realizing I'd had these same emotions with my daughter, but didn't know why. It was hormones mixed with a tinge of exhaustion. And I started laughing at myself. (or with myself)

Years earlier my a.mom tried to convince me to relinquish my (then, one year old) daughter. When I refused, she tried to have her taken away - and failed. I was taken away from my first mom at about 15 months. I imagine the mix of happiness and sorrow that the birth of my son would have brought had I relinquished my daughter.

ETA: Hope you don't mind me answering. By the time my first mom relinquished, postpartum hormones weren't involved. Nor were they involved when my a.mom tried to force me into relinquishing. I can only relate to my own birth experiences. Based on that, I can't imagine making such a HUGE life altering decision & having to sign papers within 72 hours (sometimes less) - or even two months of giving birth!

magic pointe shoes

Oh my about the seven year old not being told he's adopted yet and no plans to tell him for a while!

To answer the question, I think the hormones added to the drama around me and the manipulation into what would be the best decision.

Andraya

I never really thought about this before. Excellent question! I remember when I was pregnant with my son it didn't seem real until he was born. I knew the end result was a baby but it didn't click that it was MY baby. I never thought of placing him, if I had the realization that I was a MOTHER may have been enough to send me over the edge. As it turned out he was premature so my only thoughts, until he was almost 1, were about keeping him alive not keeping him with me, at least not yet.

Even with my second and third there was a moment of panic though. OMG! You mean I have to look after it ALONE??? I was so afraid of something happening, something going wrong. There was no way those thoughts would have turned me to adoption. However, if I was already thinking about it and hadn't been through "birth mom hell" already who knows?

Heather B

This is exactly why pre-birth matching was invented - to minimize the chances of nature kicking-in and making it extremely difficult for the mother to (gasp) changer her mind! /sarcasm

A woman cannot know how she is going to feel until after the baby is born and no decisions or agreements should be made before that time.

The hormones go crazy and that's why the agency hangs around and harrangs the mother, constantly telling her she is making the 'loving choice', she is an 'angel', she is 'doing what's best for her child' blah blah blah to ensure the relinquishment

amyburt40

A family friend got pregnant. She was always an animal lover. She was terrified that she wouldn't be a good mother. She was married with a very strong support system. I was like her. Hormones do have a great deal of an effect on a woman and her body. I believe if a woman doubts herself at all and doesn't have a support system. She could be end up being taken advantaged of. Once motherhood arrived for me and my friend, we were great moms just as I know that you are. Its something that could very well be used against a woman. I think the hormones ought to be returned to normal before a woman places or the adoption is finalized.

This of course applies to infant adoption. This is in no way a reflection on foster adoption. I think most women who do consider adoption ( I mean just consider adoption) are potentially good mothers. They have the capability of thinking of their children.

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

I'm sure it may for some. I had PPD with my 2nd son...but I think I may have had it because of the one I gave up...its possible.
It didn't affect my decision to give up my first son. I came to that decision on my own LONG before he was born and it never wavered. Even my nursery visit 5 days later...nothing. I marveled at how tiny he was and how beautiful but I felt no connection, no tie, no "MINE". I never felt he was my baby. Two days after my nursery visit I went to court. I never knew or met his parents.

Sarah

I'm sure there may be some mothers who have 'given in' to adoption because of the hormonal whack you're talking about, but to speak from my own adoption experience, my mind was made up way before I ever gave birth, and I honestly believe you could say that my mind was made up before I even got pregnant. At the time I gave my baby up for adoption, I did not want kids. I've never believed that abortion is an answer. So not surprisingly, when I found myself to be pregnant, adoption was the right answer for me, practically from the beginning. I think this is the case for many women and girls- they know that they cannot keep the baby, although they may WISH they could. But, as I started with, sure, there may be a few that are 'talked into it' right after or soon after giving birth- but I think that's the vast minority.

BPD Wife

I do believe that hormones have a huge impact on decisions that are made! I have not given birth, but I did go through hormone treatments as a part of infertility treatments. I remember the sheer hell those drugs put me through - and the mental state that I was in from them. My husband told me that he felt like my "babysitter" rather than my husband because he was never sure what I would say or do. So YES, I TOTALLY believe that hormones can play a part in being vulnerable with adoption.

Stinkerbell

I have a question.. did you keep your child or give it up?

A.G.

I would say definitely not! My little brother is adopted (I'm 21 he's 7.) His mother did not give him up for adoption until he was 7 months old. She knew my family and knew she could never give him the stability and nurturing that we were able to. She still sees him to this day. My brother, our mom, and his birth mom go skating together every Sunday. He doesn't know yet that she is his birth mother nor that he is adopted. He only thinks that she's just an old friend of the family. She likes it that way. When he is older, they all plan to tell him, but for now everyone thinks that is whats best. She still says that letting us adopt him was the best decision she ever made. She said she loves him enough to know that his life will be so much better because of it. So no, it is not the hormones of a mother that cause them to give up their children. It is the love that they have for that baby to want to give them a better life!

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