How much influence does an AP have on an adopted person's feelings regarding adoption pain?

Flying Monkey #073177

A ton! I ignored my feelings for fear of upsetting my aparents. I should have been able to grieve my loss instead of worrying about someone else's emotions. To this day I am unable to see to my own emotional needs, always putting other's needs ahead of my own.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

hmmmm. good question.

for me personally, it had a huge impact! my parents were 100% supportive of my need to discuss and search. thank goodness.

Mei-Ling

In my case: none.

Being able to express it? That's a different story.

bananarama

My AP's were always there for me they always were sure to express how much they love me and care about me and was always there for me when i would wake up in the middle of the night balling cuz i wanted to know where i came from and why she didnt want me. It wasnt untill i was 16 that i relized it hurt my mother to hear me talk about my bio mom but after explaing to my mom that no one could ever take her place and even though she wasn't my blood she would always be my mom no matter what it made her feel a little better i think but now i dont really like to mention it to her cuz i love her and i dont want to hurt her. But im gonna have to bring it up again to try to get any info to help my search

âœ§ â“â“˜â“›â“¨ â™¥ kaelers, emy & bella

A lot. In fact, I'd wager a guess that the AP influences the majority of the feelings the child has toward their adoption. Most adoptees that were adopted very young have a lot of questions about the first family.

If the AP's refuse to answer questions or evade answering what they know, I think that would make an adopted child feel as though their first family is a taboo subject and instil negative feelings about not only the first family, but the adoptive family and adoption in general.

However, the ability to talk openly and honestly about their adoption, and having adoptive parents that volunteer all information they know (unless it's something like that the child was the result of rape or incest, which wouldn't be appropriate to tell a very young child), without judgement, I would guess the child would be more content with their adoption.

I also think that an AP's willingness to support and help their adopted child in searching for the birth parent/s if they aren't in contact is imperative to how the adoptee perceives their adoption and their place in the family.

opedial

I would hope I will have a large influence on my child and allowing them to express their feelings. Their feelings will still come, but hopefully my influence will give them the support to work through their pain.

This said, we will have to ask them in 15 years to see where that is at.

Kate

A lot. Although I am a person that finds it hard to express my feelings anyway, I was able to talk to my mom about it to some extent but still I grieve in private.

Anha S

I think it has the potential to be a lot, to me, it boils down to how the Aparents handle things, is there an open and communicative relationship, can they answer questions and give all the information they have, are they supportive of the adoptee's curiosity about their first family, are they given a green light to experience, talk about, and own their feelings etc.

My amom and I are at a place now where we are discussing the deep down dirty stuff about my adoption, it took us 30 years to get here, and I wish it was something she would have been willing to address with me years and years ago, and I wish I'd had the courage to force the issue.

kateiskate

Um...a lot. My parents are the kind of people that don't believe your past should affect you at all, that you should dust yourself off and keep going. They would not believe me for a second if I said that I've experienced depression because of well being abandoned. They would tell me I should stiffen my upper lip and that I can't blame my problems on something that happened a long time ago. "Look on the bright side, you were adopted anyway. We chose you, you're special." How the heck do I open up about all of my darkest feelings about adoption when I think I should be feeling grateful for being "chosen" or "saved" from whatever terrible fate would have been in store for me had I not been adopted? It is very hard for me to open up to anyone irl about my adoption because so many people are like "man, aren't you grateful?" and even when they aren't, I still feel so guilty for feeling less than grateful. I think if my parents had been more open to my feelings of grief, my life would have been easier in the sense that I wouldn't feel so guilty and like I walk through all of this alone.

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

I'd say about 80/20.

20% is the type of person you are and 80% is how open and understanding the AP's are.

Mine are wonderful so I never had any problems

Serenity71

Lots of course...

All parents have an influence on how their children grow emotionally. I grew up in a house that lacked Communication. My parents didn't allow us much input and their way of dealing with problems was simply to ignore them. Dont' show people you're emotions, you'll get over it, get on with it.

I think its in their generation since a lot of people my age comment on it in their up bringing. And my parents come from a rural/mining background and lived a hard life of working farms 7 days a week for a few generations. If you weren't tough you didn't survive. That way of thinking gets passed on.

So I might have tendency to over compensate because of it. (I grew up with my Bio parents.)

I'll allow my kids at least to be able to talk to us if something is bothering them about anything. I've been looking into ways of opening those channels at a young age. I feel it does start very young. A kid will know if they can talk to mum or dad about something personal to them and whats more important is how we respond to it. I hope I get it right!

BOTZ

I think it depends on the adoptee AND on the APs.

In my case, the amount of influence they had/have on my feelings has diminished over time. At this point, in almost every way, their influence on my feelings about adoption or anything else is practically nil. I only ever think about them when I'm 'here', in Y!A. I hardly ever talk about them IRL unless I absolutely must. I NEVER talk TO them.

Also, two different types of "influence" came to mind when I read your question...so:

How much did their attitude, behavior, treatment, etc. influence my feelings? Tons.

How much were they able to influence me to feel the way they wanted me to? Hardly at all. And less every moment...starting when I was four.

Interesting!

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