How much time do you think is fair to give a first mother...?

myst1998

Until the adoption is finalised.

According to some places (ie Aust and NZ), supposedly, a natural parent is a guardian of their child until the adoption is final yet they are still unable to revoke consent (in Aust there is only 30 days, NZ, nothing). It makes no sense.

It can take women a while to adjust to the hormones swishing through their bodies after birth. PND doesn't rear its ugly head in some instances until 3-6 weeks after a child is born and before it is diagnosed, a woman is suffering a serious case of the baby blues.

In cases of premature births, there is a whole new set of issues and a mother is even more vulnerable so adoption shouldn't be allowed to take palce until a child is past the original due date and the mother is completely aware of what is happening around her.

This is a difficult issue as a baby should not be in limbo but at the same time, to hurry a mother to make a decision she may not want to make is pushing separation where there may not need to be any at all.

I have delievered 3 children, 1 premature, 2 to term.

aloha.girl59

I honestly don't know. I don't believe in pre-birth matching. If that was outlawed, then there would be fewer women coerced into relinquishing and there would be fewer women changing their minds once they see and feel and hear their babies outside the womb.

AP. Never delivered a child.

Lori A

As a first mother "one who gave birth to a child and is the first mother the child knew" who labored for 3 days, and ended up with a C section. I was totally exhausted and in a great deal of pain. After a short time I ended up with a massive infection, they slip a hole in my belly to drain it but didn't tel me it was an infection or a drainage hole. When all that thick grayish brown stuff started gushing out of me as I tried to lower myself on to the toilet, I thought I was losing my guts and actually tried to hold them in while ringing for a nurse, who tool her sweet time to respond. I thought I was going to die right there in the tiny bathroom of the hospital. My head hurt so badly I could not raise myself straight up. I could only see my daughter IF I could get myself down the hall to the nursery. I did manage to do that a few times before one day she was just gone. I still remember that empty, invisible, non existent feeling, as the nurses just ignored that I was even outside the glass.

I don't care how many babies you have carried or delivered, until you have stood in my shoes, been as sick as I was, standing in front of a room full of babies no longer able to find yours, understanding that it was your decision, but barely able to focus on the reasons why, afraid to go to sleep because your time with her was limited and you didn't want to waste it, I don't quite think you can fully understand the ramifications of feeling that it was over too soon, that you need more time.

I would say 6 months if I didn't think that the child would hang in limbo, I will settle for 2 or 3 months being adequate time to change her mind. As far as anyone thinking that this is cruel to the adoptive parents because they have bonded by then, Welcome to my world, I had bonded too.

Two more live births 20 years later.

Carol c

As a BSE mother who lost my child to adoption, I actually had 90 days - 3 mos to revoke. However, in those days we weren't told that. I was told that I had signed surrender papers in the hospital the day of his birth and that was that.

My feeling is that 3 to 6 months is fair. If a mother wants to keep her child but feels she is lacking in support and financial resources, that will give her a reasonable amount of time to not only learn about her options but hopefully be able to get on her feet.

I say this even though I do not agree with the concept of adoption unless absolutely necessary. I prefer legal guardianship

Heather B

In the UK a mother gets 6 weeks. During that time she is not to be influenced by waiting adopters and the decision is not to be made under duress of any kind.

Personally I don't think that's long enough, but it's WAY more humane and ethical that the goings-on in the USA; the whole process there is disgusting.

I have delivered babies to term and have to say that directly following their births I would have been in no shape to make such an important decision. It's a highly emotional time, particularly with the first birth when you feel utterly unprepared and qualified to suddenly have a small person who is totally reliant upon you. There is no training that can adequately prepare you for becoming a Mom, whatever your age and the responsibility is a daunting thing.

tish_part deux

what's interesting about "revocation periods" is that most people are given more time to return a car or rescind a mortgage... yet, for some reason, a pregnant woman is evil and cruel if she has a change of heart about her own baby. wow.

honestly, i think it's less about "how much time" and more that she is given time without pressure from PAPs and adoption agencies "birthmother counselors."

women who relinquish should be able to make the decision WITHOUT the intrusion and interference of others with an interest in the adoption taking place.

bottom line: if a woman doesn't want to parent, she will usually make that decision without folks hovering over her.

Kazi

I'm an adoptive mom of 2 (China and foster care) and I honestly do not know the answer to this question.

There needs to be a finite amount of time, but the exact amount, I am not sure. It seems that certain factors should be taken into account.

1.Does the mom have a history of depression? 2. Does the mom have post-partum depression? 3. Should she have longer if she had a C section as opposed to a natural delivery.

I am sure there are other considerations those are just off the top of my head.

I think that 24-48 hours is way to short to make such a life-changing decision, but I also think that 6 months is too long, but then if there are extenuating factors, well then it gets more complicated.

I really son't know.

SJM

Well, I'll take a page out of the BSE. The agency who was granted full custody of me took one week short of 6 months to make sure I was salable enough to be placed in a prospective adoptive home. If I had to wait nearly six months for a permanent placement, why shouldn't my mother have been given the same six months to find a job, get an apartment, etc?

I would say they should be given at least the same six months many of us had to wait for placement. I don't really think that total relinquishment is a good practice, however.

I had four pregnancies and three live births.

Erin L

I agree with Kazi that there does need to be some finite period of time because children should not be ping pong balls. I agree with Tish that it's probably more important that the period of time be without any sort of pressure than what the actual amount of time is. If I HAD to put a specific time period that would apply to all adoptions, it would probably be 6 months.

gypsywinter

I have delivered 4 babies to term...the first one was lost to adoption while I was still lying in a hospital bed, in the same room I labored in..1964. The surrender was taken BEFORE the proscribed 'no surrender shall be taken until 72 hours AFTER the birth of a child'. No surrender papers should be allowed while a mother is still in the hospital, nor should PAPs be allowed at the hospital with the mother and her baby. If the mother is adamant about adoption while she is still in the hospital..the child should be put in temporary care, with the option that the mother can visit as often as she likes or doesn't. I think 6 - 8 weeks should be the mandatory time that no surrender can be taken until after that time has passed. This also gives time for the grandparents to 'cool off' and get acquainted with their grandchild as well, if the grandparents were opposed to their daughter bringing her baby home. I think this 'cooling off' period could make all the difference in the wo

kateiskate

I think 90 days is an adequate amount of time for her to have (once out of the hospital) to decide if she really wants to surrender. Then I believe six months is a good amount of time after signing those papers for her to be able to revoke her decision and decide to parent her child.

I have never been pregnant, nor have I delivered a baby to term.

Sarah

I believe in Australia, the mother can only consent 30 days after the birth of the child. I think that in itself, will already prevent a lot of unnecessary grief and allow the mother to really make a good decision.

I generally think, 30 days or more AFTER the birth of the child is a great way to try and prevent any unnecessary adoptions.

Then a further month (+) for the mother to change her mind.

Serenity71

It depends on the rest of the laws involved too. If its just 30 days then thats not long enough straight after birth. Which by law a mother isn't allowed to do in Australia. Social services won't allow a woman to sign for at least the first 3 months after the birth.

BUT if they have had months of counselling without adoptive parents involved at all then 30 days is enough time for her to think about it.( My first child was 5 months old when she signed reliquishment papers... and my second was a bit older.) But the need for them to know what they are getting into is vital. All the potential consequences laid out before a girl thinking about adoption. I feel most change their mind with a few months anyway and when we were waiting to adopt I wouldn't have wanted to have been placed with a child that no real decisions had been made for. I doesn't make sense to me to put a couple though that amount of stress and heartache. nor a girl still in doubt.

Myst- In todays reality in Australia a woman has much longer than 30 days they have months of counselling with NO potential adoptive parents involved during that time. (So what, place a child in house with doubt still there from their Nmother about this??? (We're not all the people who adopted your child.) Better for the child to stay in the foster system than to go from family to family so she can have years to think about it. They have plenty of time to think about it before signing papers without the pressure of pre-birth matching for a Nmother. The have social workers trying to make them keep the baby, not take him/her away. They do try to have her raise her child, I have spoken to a few about that part of the process. (These aren't agency workers, they have no gain from here giving up her baby...they get paid by the governement, not PAP's) Remember the family preservation thing, thats tried BEFORE we come into it.

naughty girl

I gave my twins up when we were released from the hospital

Sarah

I believe she should sign the papers, hand over the child and accept it. I am not in favor of passing a child back and forth. When a birth mother chooses adoption she should be sure and it should be over. I believe Australia adoption, which Humbug seems to have posted above is a good idea. Keep the baby, see if your feelings change before agreeing to anything. But tossing the child around is just cruel to everyone involved. The child needs to bond with whomever is going to raise it.

C Wood

If you are referring to adoption of an infant, then only the mother's needs and adoptive parent's needs should be considered. If you're referring to adoption of older children, then you have to allow for the child's needs and desires to be considered.

I think a mother maybe should not be allowed to relinquish the baby at birth, but should be required to have the baby in an open foster situation for 30 to 60 days so that neither the mother or the potential adoptive mother will consider it final till the end of that time. This way a baby could be placed with the potential adoptive parents right after birth if the mother doesn't feel she can handle taking the baby home. And the adoptive parents know it's not final, but is just considered a foster situation till the relinquishment papers are finally signed.
cw

Jennifer L

I am a woman and I have delivered a baby to term.

I think that 6-8 weeks is adequate time to give a first mother to change her mind, if the labor and delivery was uncomplicated. If there are any complications that would require the mother to be on medications that alter the state of consciousness or is otherwise unable to make an informed decision due to medical complications, that timeframe should be extended.

ETA: Okay, I have a question. I suggested Exactly the Same time frame as many of the other respondants, yet I have three times as many TDs. Interesting... Do you even read my responses, or do you just see the name and click the little icon?

JennaBear

18 years...

Worlds Best Mother

What is a 'first' mother?
If a woman gives up her baby for adoption, I really think that should be it. If she's unsure she can have a go at keeping the baby, but if she decides to give the baby up, she can't keep coming in and out of a child's life, creating instability. That's very unhealthy for a child.
I love all my children more than life itself, but I know if I felt I wasn't capable of raising them adequately I would undoubtedly give them up for adoption, as I place their well being over mine.
I have 5 children, all delivered to term.

Harriet

I agree with the first answer by humbug.

No kids so I don't know how I'd feel in that situation.

Harriet

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