How often do adoptions fall through? One of wifes reasons for not wanting to adopt?

Salt&Pepper Apricot

It's actually best to not adopt at all if she doesn't have the capability of loving a child she's not related to.

Edit: If your wife doesn't care what strangers think, she wouldn't ask a jillion questions on here. If we all sided with her, and not you, she wouldn't say that.

Seriously, being as y'all are airing your dirty laundry out over the internet here, I think maybe the marriage isn't as happy as it could be.

Edit: I reread what I wrote. I'm not actually taking sides here, but if everyone were to side with her, she'd be all for what we "strangers" think.

We have had friends adopt through the foster care program, as well as birth their own kids. No difference. I really believe they forget that they didn't birth four of their seven kids. Two of ones they didn't birth are 14 and 16. The other two are 7 and 2. The ones they birthed are 4(?) and 1 1/2, and 4 months. They are just as bonded with their fostered/adopted kids as they are their birth kids. They are even adopting a newborn out of foster care that's now two years old. They had him since he was 2 days old. But as long as your wife continues to hold onto her preconceived, ignorant notions, like a parent and child who aren't blood related can't have a bond like they would if they were blood related(yes, she has said that. Look at her other questions. Her having said that means she believes you didn't have a strong bond with your parents), no adoption agency will allow y'all to adopt.

tish_part deux

i agree with your wife...i only wanted to parent my own children. therefore, i didn't come on a message board crying a river and try to score a kid from another woman as "second best."

hence, since your wife wants a baby of her own; and views adoption as "second best", it should be off the table. an adoptee will not meet her needs. it's unfair to subject a child to that.

"how often does adoption fall through?"

--not enough, in my opinion. also, it's disrespectful to call a "mother" who decides to parent "her" child, a birthmother. in addition, to say someone "backed out" of giving away their flesh and blood, transfers the focus on the pregnancy from the natural mother-child bond; and only views it in terms of the "adoption." mothers who change their mind do so out of love...not to piss off others or renege on a deal.

i wish you all well with your family planning. which should not include adoption.

ETA: to the "mrs." to say that adoption is fine as a last resort is insulting. it's not about your wants...it's about a child who will come to you after losing his or her mother. contrary to what many wish to believe, not all babies who are adopted are unwanted; yet are relinquished from pregnant women who are TEMPORARILY unable (most likely due to a "manufactured crisis"--babies can be raised by young, single mothers who have modest lifestyles) to parent.

aloha.girl59

As an adoptive parent, I'm offended by your post.

Keep on trying to have "your own" baby. No adoptee on Earth deserves to be saddled with parents like you.

Philippa

I understand how your wife feels which is reinforced by the fact that I do know what it is like to go through pregnancy then be coerced into surrendering.

My husband and I haven't got children - we have tried thoughout our (15 years of) marriage but we do know it would take a minor miracle to happen particularly now that we are that much older. We have talked over the years about adopting but it was never the right time. My issues have been over adopting a newborn as I would worry that the mother had been coerced. My husband's main issue has been that the child wouldn't be biologically ours.

Since reunion with my son we have worked through our issues and decided that if we did adopt older child would be the best option for us. We don't want to adopt a baby for a variety of reasons and would much rather give a loving stable home to a child or children in foster care. If we did adopt we would also be pro the child or children having contact with their natural parents or family if possible.

IDK!!

I 100% agree with Sunny, for all the reasons you listed, you should not adopt, pretending it's the same as having "your own" is not healthy for the parents or adopted people.

cantstopLinnyG

Her reasons are important to her. As an adoptee, I can understand her reasons, and I think they are valid. As humans, it is our natural instinct to reproduce. As mean as this sounds, and I do not intend it to be mean, it is not natural to raise a stranger's child.

She is correct. She will not bond/connect with an adopted child the way she would with one she gives birth to, it's physically impossible to do so. A natural mother & newborn has a biological, genetic, physical and spiritual bond together. Thats science. While adoptive mothers DO bond/connect with their adoptive children, it is different.

As many of the adoptive parents and adoptees will tell you, it is very important your wife deals with her loss of being infertile, if that is the case. Adoption stems from loss. For us, its the loss of our first families, cultures, heritage & sometimes countries. For first parents, its the loss of their child, no matter if the relinquishment was voluntary or involuntary. For the adoptive parents, it's the loss of not having their own bio child. The losses an adoptee faces are enormous, and does not need to try and deal with their ap's losses, too.

If she cannot get past this, to adopt would be the worst thing in the world for her, but especially the child.

I admire your wife for being honest about this. Adoption is not an easy road to take, and it is best she deals with this before any adoption plans are made. Here are some links that may be helpful to you and your wife about how adoption can affect a child.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOZGwqHVnKs
http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php
http://www.amfor.net/acs
http://www.origins-usa.org
http://www.youtube.com/user/adoptedthemovie

Books:
Twenty Things Adopted Children Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, by Sherry Elderidge
The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier
Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND
Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton
The Adopted break Silence by Jean Paton
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler
Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner
Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky

Penny P

I think you have to listen to your wife on this one, and do whatever it takes to have biological children. When all is exhausted, and a doctor tells you that you will never have your own children, you have to grieve over that. You have to learn to accept it, and then decide what you will do about it. I suggest seeing a fertility specialist. It's possible you are "jumping the gun" here. And about adoptions falling through. I have no real stats on this one, but I know personally two families who had several adoptions fail because the birth mom changed her mind. And I imagine it happens a lot. I don' t think he fears are unfounded on this one.

sunny

She will regret adopting, and so will you.

This is not a house or a car that you can unload in a couple years, you're playing with a human's life. A human who has already lost their family.

You need to either have your own, embrace childlessness, or find a new wife.

Jashebe

"She is so dead set on our child and only our child that is what keeps her going the hope for our child."

If having a baby by birth is the ONLY thing that keeps her going, I would suggest serious counseling. She has serious issues she needs to work through. Will she kill herself if you never have kids?

She doesn't understand that with families that both adopt and birth their own kids, that there is NO DIFFERENCE in the love. I know families who have adopted even AFTER having birthed kids of their own. There really is NO DIFFERENCE in the love. In those cases, they have fostered the kids who's parents had lost all rights.

grapesgum

From what I have seen on the WEB - hopeful adoptive parents who will settle only for a healthy white infant wait for many years and have several "matches" that fail. In these cases, the natural mothers realize that they are the best for their babies instead of giving then away to total strangers - like you.

Listen to your wife. A child "of your own"? Wow - don't tell an adopted child that he/she is was the last resort to have a "child of our own".

You have a lot to learn before you try to adopt. Here are some WEB sites for you:

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/Why_Birthmother_Means_Breeder.html

http://www.keepyourbaby.com/index.html

http://www.nancyverrier.com/prim_book.php

ETA - Well I tried to reason with these baby beggers. This is just another "I wanna baybee and I wanne babyee nnnnowww " question.

BORING!!!

"My wife and I are very much in love and our marriage would never be broken up because we can or can't have a child."

Great - move on. If you are happy why do you want to victimize a mother and HER child?

ETA - OMFRIGGINGOD - Wifypoo is here now. It is a tag-team of gotta have a babyee now beggers. Please do go troll elsewhere. Adoption discussions here are for adults only.

Daisey Duck

First I think your wife needs to just relax and not even think about getting pregnant. Stress can do strange things to a woman's body. And trying to hard can cause stress.
I remember being her age and wanting nothing more than to have my own children. So her feelings are very valid. If later on you find you can't then she and you will have to first deal with the pain and then decide what path is best for you.
You will both be surprised if you decide to adopt just how quickly you will start to bond with your new child
Good luck

Gen

You know, I think alot of the people who answer questions on here are one sided...they don't take into consideration the ENTIRE situation! I am 24 and have recently found out some devastating news consisting of not being able to get pregnant, and in the off chance that it happens I have a high percentage of miscarriage. Now, I understand exactly what you mean....Me and my boyfriend(of 8 years) have wanted children since we started talking about the future. A baby of our own....one with my smile and his eyes. I longed for the pregnancy days and feeling the baby kick inside me... Now that it can't happen I am looking into adoption and in alot of situations that's how it happens. It doesn't mean the adoptive child was a LAST RESORT, maybe that's the way it was supposed to happen!! I do believe that a parent can love an adoptive child as much as a biological child....and if one really doesn't believe that maybe adoption shouldn't be an option....but I think you and your wife will figure things out on your own time...and without cruel judgements by people who don't know or understand your situation... GOOD LUCK!

shirley n

See my mom couldnt have kids and she adopted my sister and I because she was going adopted us when we were babies but she didnt get to so she adopted us at 8 or 9 around there I dont remember all of it and its been 5 yrs seens she adopted us so if you cant have kids then there is your answer and by the way I hope you a have a girl. Most women can so there

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