How to deal with a seven year old who has lost his mother and make him welcome and feel part of the family.?

MamaKate

Dear Michelle,

First of all, bless you for being so incredibly open and thoughtful about this entire situation. I am glad your husband is stepping up for his son. (I am sorry he did not know about him before.) I agree with the suggestions and advice other posters have given you. This poor child will need lots of love, attention, patience and understanding. It sounds as though you have put a lot of thought as to how this will effect all of your kids and I think that is a strong indicator that you will be able to handle this situation with grace and aptitude.

In addition to things that have been previously mentioned, I would also recommend getting in touch with a child psychologist, family counselor or grief counselor (or a combination). Since this boy is grieving and experiencing such extreme changes in his living situation, having a professional resource you can lean on could come in very handy. I would even suggest going ahead and finding someone now who can help with the initial transition and help prepare your other children - especially your eldest. (Even if you just call Hospice and get their information on grieving children, you will have someone in your area who you can call on if you have issues that you need help with.)

A few other things that might be helpful:

Find out what kind of laundry detergent/soap/air freshener etc. this child is used to and get some for your home. Olfactory sense is one of the strongest for memory and mood alteration. Comforting smells can have a huge soothing effect on people - especially children.

Ask ahead of time what his favorite foods are and have things he likes stocked in the kitchen. (Don't be surprised if he doesn't feel like eating or has strange eating habits when he first arrives. Grief puts even children off their feed!)

Make sure that photos, family information and other special memorabilia come with him. When he is ready, help him create a special place to keep these things. (Any video or voice recordings should be CAREFULLY preserved and extra copies made, just in case.)

Make sure that he has a safe and private place to go for when he wants to be alone. Let your other children know that he is not to be disturbed when he is in his space. He will need private time to decompress and process sometimes.

Let this child decide for himself what to call you. You may find that his title for you "evolves" over time and he may become more comfortable with the term "mom" over time.

Lastly, make sure to spend some extra quality time with your oldest. He will need reassurance and some extra attention to help him adjust to his new brother. Don't push him to accept his brother, encourage the relationship but don't force anything. Let them build their relationship on their own terms. (Of course, I mean within reason, but you knew that!)

My heartfelt condolences for this little boy. I am so glad he has family who care for him to take him and help him through such a painful loss. Please except my best wishes for all of your family.

Independ"ant"

You can start by earning his trust.

I think you and your husband should go and spend a little time with him before dragging him across the country even if its only for a week.

You should tell him your first name and when he starts to open up and trust you....inform him that if he wants to.....he can call you mom but doesn't have to. Let him know and feel.....its his choice. Tell him you will love and respect him regardless.

As far as your biological kids are concerned.....you and your husband need to sit down again and explain the situation and what this child is and will be going through and how he will need extra attention. Make sure you give it to him.

Vix T

I think maybe you and your husband should go together and pick up th boy by yourselves. Take him home and then have your husband take him and your 8yo out to do something fun together to show your 8yo that having a new brother wont change how his dad feels about him.

I'd also sit him down within the first week and make it clear to him that you don't want to replace his mother and that any time he wants to talk about her he can.

Why don't you get him a matching pair of photo frames. In one put a picture of his mum and in the other a picture of his new family.
It'll show that your not expecting him to forget her.

Don't worry about not treating him the same. You will & once you get to know him you'll be wondering what you were worrying about.

MNH

i dont have any great advice, i would be stumped as well, but i just wanted to commend you for having such a big heart and being so sensitive to how hard this situation will be for everybody. The world needs more caring and generous people like you. good luck

Air Rick Ahh!!-Mario's Girl

First of all I defenetly want to comend you on the sensitivity of the situation. Losing a parent is hard enough then having to move in with a family you dont even know with so much competition is alittle overwhelming i would believe especially for a child of that age.
i would definatly start slow just become his friend first dont try to push him to get involved he may feel pressured. Introuduce him to the family as a brother so he knows hes welcomed, because he is there brother. Let your son know that no matter who comes in to the family your family is loving and welcoming and needs to help this little boy because hes sad he doesnt have a mommy anymore. he will warm up eventually and who knows may become best friends since there so close in age. he can call you aunt " ..." and whenever he feels comfortable enough he can call you mom if he likes and youd except it. i know its not much but its something that i would def. consider. good luck

Opedial

HI,

It takes time. I adopted three at once and with two there was instant chemistry and it was one of those "ideal dream honeymoon etc. etc. etc." situations. The settling did not take much time at all.

With one of my children though it took quite awhile. And I have to say that it was on both sides. I did in fact expect to instantly fall in love with my children, and in fact did not. I fell in love with the dream of them, but it took time on both our parts to fall in love with each other. Here is what it took:

1. Time. We needed time to get to know each other.
2. Respect. I needed to respect his pain and loss, and he respected I was not trying to replace his mom and allowed me to be mom, without being his old mom. (that may not make sense but it does to us
3. Fun. We needed a little fun to get to know each other. We grabbed individual time wherever possible, in not forced situations. I tried to "create" bonding opportunities, but these often failed due to high expectations. The first real I love you from him happened while we were grocery shopping, which is "our" time together.
4. Grief. He had to grieve his losses, and I in fact had to grieve a little too for the first six years I didn't get to know him.

We just gave him his space and allowed him to come to us in his own time. We also allowed him time to get to know our rules, and to help create new rules that worked for him.

We still have family meeting and prayer once per week to talk things over and to ensure each voice in the house is being heard.

hope some of these help. It has been close to a year, and he and I are closer than ever, but in reality I don't know if he will ever feel 100% safe and secure as he is healing from the loss of his mother and the pain of the abuse he suffered.

Timothy B

wow my heart felt blessing. Just do the best you can. There really are no road signs for something like this. Off the topic though you might want to get some of his mother's things and put them away for now. Let him know It might help

bemusedconfused

i would go and meet him just you and your hubby and spend a little time with him alone, tell him about the other kids and explain that you have a busy house (if its anything like mine it will be havoc at times, im having my 5th) find out about him, he is bound to have got little ways that only he will know, you know he likes the light on at night, a cup of tea in the morning etc... things his mom did that made him happy. maybe take a pad and pen and ask him to write down things that make him happy. you may have to upset your other children for a short time as you all adapt to his little routine, but you can do it as a game for them to help welcome him into their family. give him lots of space and let him approach you when he is good and ready, but always be there and let him know you wont pressure him, but if he wants to talk, you will do your best to arrange time for him to chat. he may have been an only child so going from a quiet home to a busy 1 will be a huge shock, but he will adapt in time, its just gonna take alot of patience from you and his dad. best wishes.

scorpiokisses1980

Haven't read the other answers cos there were already quite a few long ones, but here is my take on it.

Firstly, your husband won't feel like a dad to this boy just yet, so he needs to let the boy get to know him before he moves in with you all.
When you go to meet him at the airport, it should just be you and hubby. And by this stage, the child needs to be understanding of who your husband is, and the role he is expecting to play in the boys life.
Tell the child he can call you by your first name - don't tell him he can call you mum because he'll think that from the start you want to replace her. Even if you tell him you are not planning on replacing his mum, he won't be able to deal with someone else in that role right away.
You need to introduce him slowly to the other children, maybe send photos to him now of who everyone is, and let him know that they all are happy to meet him. Take things slowly with him at all times, it's not just about him moving to a big family, he still has to be able to deal with the fact his mummy died.
And lastly, during a quiet time with him, tell him that if he is scared, or upset about anything, or if he wants you to know about something that he is too shy to tell you, he can write it down and put it in a special box. Make like a post box system, that the other children can use too, (as they might have things after he moves in that they don't know how to say to you,) and tell him to write whatever he likes on some paper and put it in the box. You will read it and deal with it - whether it needs to be addressed to him directly or whether it is about someone else in the family - make sure he knows you have taken action.
And Good Luck, it's a wonderful thing you are doing.

S grl

Sry if this isnt the advise you were hoping for but i think you should tell your son its the nicest thing you could do for this poor little kid and just welcome him and try to make him feel welcome and comfortable and cozy.Plus tell your 8 year old this is the way its going to be so get used to it. I think just you and your husbamd should go over to the air port just to be safe in case he gets to shy. Getting him presents is a really good idea like maybe your 8 year old could get a present to and they each could get little racecars and have races. your little three year olds could get him 1 could get him candy ! could get him pack of pokemon cards and the other 2 could get him gift cards for what he wants. SOOOO GOOD LUCK HOPE I HELPED!!!!

horseychic

sounds like you and your family are doing all things right.
as suggested getting our new son into grief counseling etc would help a lot.
also together you and he could make a "scrap book" or poster of his mum so he will never forget her, from this you will also learn things about how he has up until now been raised.
spending time with him on his own, and also your other children individually is important for them all at this time.
maybe it would be a good idea to take all of the family to a counselor.
Good on you for stepping up and letting this boy into your lives.

Desiree

Wow. What are the odds? Well it is good of you to consider the feelings of your firstborn. There is a pychology to birth order and behavior. Did you know most all of the presidents were firstborns? He will essentially feel dethroned and threatened, so continue to raise him as a first born. I would look into the psychology of "Only children" as well as this is what helped form your newcomer's personality. Dr. Kevin Leman is the name of the expert on this, so read his Birth Order books. And of course help your new son mourn.

gibberish

Hugs and kisses! Hugs and kisses!

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