How to improve reunion...?
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How to improve reunion...?
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am looking for suggestions on how to connect with my daughter. I was only 16 when I got pregnant and could not take care of a baby. I’ve since grown up and I’m now married and have three children.
I found my daughter when she was 21, after searching for many years. I was so nervous when I first met her; worried she would hate me or not show up. We met and I felt she was a little distant (she had a long list of questions about medical history, educational history, that kind of thing she wanted to know about my family). But I was sure she was nervous and worried she might not see me again so she wanted to ask as much as she could. She told me all about her family. She was adopted by a single mother, which surprised me, but I could see the love in her eyes when she talked about her adoptive mother so I told myself it was fine. I was more surprised that her name is Astrid. I was not able to pick the adoptive parents but I named my daughter Mary and asked that if her name is changed to please give her a good Christian name, as my faith has always been very important to me. Again, I told myself this wasn’t important, that she was happy.
But the more we got to know each other the more worried I have become. I’m not sure how to describe her without sounding like I am judging her, but she seems so cold. We have been in reunion now for 3 years and she is never really very emotional with any of us. My children have always known I had a child that I put up for adoption. My 16 year old daughter Sarah (my other two children are boys) has always dreamed of meeting her sister and how close they would be. She is very upset that Astrid is not close to her. She has tried to share her life with her sister but Astrid is not interested in religion (most of my daughter’s activities are through our church and my kids go to a religious school) and they don’t seem to have anything in common. She tried to talk with Astrid about being closer and Astrid told her that not all siblings have things in common and sometimes aren’t very close but that she really did like her and she seemed like a “nice kid.” That really destroyed Sarah. She said it felt like Astrid was talking to a friend’s child and not her own sister. She feels crushed by rejection, that she failed because her sister doesn’t seem to like her very much.
It’s not that Astrid isn’t nice, she is. We live relatively close to one another so we all get together every once every few months. She sent us lovely pictures of her at her college graduation but not an invitation. I told myself it was fine because we were still relatively new in our reunion. However my son just graduated this month from high school and he sent her an invitation. She sent him a lovely card and a nice gift but did not come to the graduation. It feels like she treats us like distant relatives, polite and friendly but not really emotionally attached to us. When my youngest son was in the hospital she didn’t come to see him but sent a really nice note saying she hoped he felt better soon.
That’s what confuses me. If she hated me I would understand, or didn’t want to know us, but she seems to genuinely like us. I thought maybe she just wasn’t a very emotional person but I’ve been around her with her adoptive mother and her friends and she is very animated and loving towards them. And she's very friendly with us...I just don't feel that she loves us (she has never said it, despite us telling her we love her..she just says 'that you, you're important to me too).
I don’t know what to do. My kids, especially Sarah, are very traumatized over the lack of bond Astrid has with us. I feel like my own heart has broken over this. I would love any advise from someone who has been there.
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Dorian
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You mention the things your daughter Sarah likes to do but you don't mention Astrid's interests. Perhaps if you encouraged Sarah to join an activity that Astrid is involved with that has nothing to do with religion they would be able to spend more time together and bond. However, Astrid is right in that some siblings just aren't very close. They might not ever be best friends but that doesn't mean they won't have a fulfilling relationship or be there for each other.
I think we all expect to see ourselves in our children, mannerisms and characteristics, and it is strange when we don't but that doesn't mean there can't be love there. It sounds like you and Astrid actually have a pretty good relationship. Maybe it's not what you had always hoped it would be but try to let go of your expectations and work with the relationship you do have. She might not ever be 'part of the family' like you'd hoped she would be, but that doesn't mean the relationship you do have can't be good.
From what you say about her she sounds like a lovely woman, focus more on her and her interests and not what you had expected to find and you may end up finding more common ground than you think. |
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Allanas
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You have build up a un-realistic image of a person who doesn't exist. You want to take control of a situation that you gave up years ago. I understand your reasons, but it's water under the bridge. You don't have the right to "worry". It's over and done.
You let your daughter get her hopes up. That's on YOU not on Astrid.
You have no right to decide how Astrid behaves toward you. You are now intruding into her life. She decides who she's close to.
NOT YOU!
If she doesn't want you at family functions - tough luck. If she wants to keep you at arm's distance - that's her right.
If you want a closer relationship, accept her for who she is.
Quit expecting more from her. |
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Rain
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I think you might be expecting too much too soon from Astrid. There is a difference between loving people who you have been with all your life and loving someone you have only recently reunited with. You need to realize that you aren't just a reunited family member to Astrid - You are the mother who gave her up for adoption when she was a baby. That comes with a lot of emotional baggage that maybe you aren't aware of. Same thing for your children. They are the children who weren't given up for adoption when they were born. That carries a lot of emotional baggage for Astrid to deal with as well. (I am not trying to criticize your decision to choose adoption, btw, just trying to be honest.)
Take the relationship for what it is and slowly build trust. Be patient. Try to get Sarah to understand that while Astrid is her sister, she needs some space as well. |
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Rosie
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I dunno, it seems to be that your reunion is going well. I don't see how you can improve on the outcome you have so far.
Count your blessings that she is very friendly with you and seems to genuinely like you.
Slow, patient and steady, the relationship will grow through time and proximity. Luckily you have both. |
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Cleopatra
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You are lucky to have your daughter in your life - a lot of reunions fail because the act of surrender is sometimes too hard to overcome - even if you were coerced - mothers are suppose to fight for their children. I am a natural mom and I know exactly how you feel, however - you'll have to learn to accept and cherish what you DO have with your daughter. All relationships take time - and the best thing to do is to push aside YOUR feelings in trying to understand HER feelings. She doesn't know you. You are a stranger to her. You kept and had more kids.... etc. When I try to understand my son's perceptions - I see brave. Hope that helps and just hang in there ok? |
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snowwillow20
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Reunions are fragile, you have to let her set the pace, do not expect anything. I have been in reunion since 2001. My daughter is 38, she made it plain from the beginning that I was not her mother or her kids grandmother, it hurt but I understood. We have invited her to many family events but she rarely attends. She doesn't feel comfortable. When my son got married, she didn't go even though we were paying her expenses, this hurt my son. She makes it hard to get close to her, but we are thankful for what we can get.
You can't make her feel like family, sure you gave birth to her but then someone else raised her, you can't make her love you, but........ after 9 years we have a good reunion, we just went to her son's (I still consider him my grandchild) HS graduation. It was great. |
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tigger
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Right now, you have the sort of reunion that many natural mothers would give anything to have: your daughter is actually speaking to you and has not refused contact.
Do you know how uncomfortable she must feel around your other children? You gave her away (assuming it was voluntary and you were not coerced -- if you were coerced and had wanted to keep her, you should let her know) and you kept 3 other children. In her eyes, she was rejected: those children were "good enough" for you to keep, she was not. 16 year olds CAN raise children and do it well -- why didn't you?
So, if you actually "placed" her willingly for adoption, then she has a very good reason not to want to form any sort of emotional bond with you or your other children. You betrayed her once -- by "placing her" as an infant you told her firmly that you did not want her in your life. She grew up knowing she was an "unwanted child" (unless you can prove differently to her) -- people do not give away people they love -- NO-ONE does.
I suggest you take a step back and re-evaluate your relationship with her, and begin TALKING honestly with her about what the two of you want in a reunion. You want her to love you and forget about 21 years rejection (again, assuming you "willingly" "placed" her). If you did not, if you can prove that you can prove you loved her and wanted to keep her, then you may have a chance to rebuild a family relationship again ONCE she begins to trust you. But adoptees' trust is shattered at birth -- the first experience in their lives is rejection. You cannot expect her to just forget this. |
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this is just the beginning :)
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I have not been here, but I do know that God gives us punishment on earth, not only in eternity, for our sins. This is one of them, from a long time ago - the fact that you all are "traumatized" over your first-born's lack of bond.
I personally would find it hard to attach myself to someone who gave me up as a baby. I'm a teen mom and to be honest, if I gave up my baby girl, I would actually expect this type of behavior from her. It is going to take a LONG time for her to bond with you and your family, if it ever even happens.
YOU found HER, not the other way around, so your meeting was your choice, not hers, if that makes any kind of difference.
Maybe she is confused, too. Here she is, living her life, and in comes her biological mother, whom she probably feels didn't want her in her life when she was born. What's changed? That is probably her train of thought. Yes, you are her mother, but you are not her mom. Even though she probably knew she was adopted, if I were in her situation, I would freak out if mom came out of the blue and wanted to meet me after I graduated college and felt well-established. Have you ever thought about her being traumatized?
This probably isn't what you're looking for, but here's just another point of view. |
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