How would you explain to a small child that while her mother wasn't prepared to care for her...?

â™¥â™¥Mum To Superkidsâ™¥â™¥

I'm not sure there really is a 'right' answer, and as you say she won't be 3 forever.
For the time being I wouldn't emphasize the fact that her mum is parenting a sibling and not her. I find children usually give us cues as to when they're ready for that sort of information. It's great that she's involved with mum and the pregnancy, and will know her sibling as she grows up.

I think the thing to do is to reassure her that she is loved, by all her parents, and that everybody wants her in their lives. As she gets older her dads can talk to her about how grownups have problems and difficulties in their lives that make it very difficult to care for their children, even when they want to. I would definitely have all the parents on the same page with how they approach this with their daughter, to be consistant and keep up the reassurance for her.

It is going to be a problem, if mum doesn't think it will be she's mistaken. No child wants to think that their sibling has been 'chosen' over them. They're making some steps in the right direction but mum needs to acknowledge how this could affect their daughter.

But as far as her dads go, I would stick with a simple explaination of how our situations can change, and some of our problems can be solved, so even though mum couldn't care for the daughter she's now in a place to be able to do that for the new baby.

Tricky situation though, I wouldn't like to be in their shoes.

Flying Monkey #073177

I'm going to put myself out there for hate mail... again.

My daughter was born only one month after I relinquished her brother. I still have no clue how to explain that to Justin. The choice was out of my hands by the time I was three months pregnant with her, the social worker didn't know yet. I would have gladly raised both of them but wasn't given the chance. I guess it depends on how the adoption came about. Did the mother relinquish or were her rights terminated? If there was coercion involved or her rights were terminated it is likely she wanted to raise both but that choice was taken from her. How on earth you explain that to a child is beyond me. All I can think of is responses straight outta the kool-aid mans gaping maw... Sheet, that is a hard one but I am interested in hearing others opinions, someday I have to answer that question myself.

ETA

Ohhh, that is different then. Wow, I got nothing.

maybe

Hmm, this certainly proves that adoption is very often a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

This will be difficult to explain but they need to stay in contact with the mother and the new baby (contrary to other advice about "weaning" the child off of her mother - that's a very harmful suggestion).

It will be better if they maintain their ties and work on strengthening them. This will help when the really tough emotions surface. They all have a duty to be present and strong for the children who did not ask to be placed in this confusing and unusual situation.

Mei-Ling

I think I'll echo Heather B, because that's really all I would have to say. There is no easy way to reveal to a child that there was a sibling kept. Sometimes love just isn't enough.

"Yup, being astute she'll most likely feel that she's not as worthy or loveable as her sibling."

Heather B

Yup, being astute she'll most likely feel that she's not as worthy or loveable as her sibling.

There's nothing that I can say that would make it better for her and no amount of aparental love can take that deep-grained feeling away.

I hope to heck the little 'un is one of those adoptees who will come here and say adoption hasn't affected her and she feels no loss. Otherwise, there's gonna be a whole lot of pain there.

Sorry, I'm sure this is no help. Sometimes love just isn't enough.

LadySarah

Well it is a big deal. And even the happiest of adopted children will ask questions. It is ongoing. The explanation should be age appropriate.

In the case of a precocious three year old, I would say something like, Mommy Karen is going to have a baby sister/brother in just a short while. then allow the child to ask anything she thinks of at that time. Answer simply.

Mommy Karen and your brother/sister will live in their home and you will live here in your home with us. It will be fun to have a baby sis/bro to play with when they visit.

We love you and mommy loves you and now we will all love the new baby. That is how families are made.

(These are suggestions as the appropriate question is asked supply the one that fits, don't give all the info at once it is too much to take in)

Mommy loved you so much that she wanted to be sure you had two parents in your home.

Of course mommy still loves you (insert pet name), and now she will love the new baby too.

There will always be questions, some harder than others.
My daughter was abandoned at the hospital and brought to us at the age of 2 days. She is an extremely bright 4 yr old now.
Our son was removed from his mother's care at 3 weeks and is now 9yrs.

Both know that they are adopted and have another mother somewhere out there. Both will refer to "my other mom". We field questions about why they are not with their "real" mom and who is my "real" dad. They ask about siblings and when will they meet them. Why didn't my other mom want me, how come all of us weren't adopted by the same people, is my mom dead, how come my dad didn't take me?

And yes a three year old does understand a great deal, they don't just get over it. In the case of your friends, the child is in a good position to reach a balance since her mom is actively involved. I only hope that it will remain so after the new baby arrives. If her attention is diverted for long periods of time, she may have feelings of abandonment that were not previously an issue.

I also suggest that the adults enroll in some continuing education class, or audit a college course in child development and/or child psychology. It will give them common ground for discussing issues and also provide a knowledgable professional to bounce ideas.

I wish them the best with this and hope for a balanced compromise in all things.

kidmindi

Good Question. One that I myself may have to adress with my adopted daughter one day. Her birthmom is now trying to get pregnant. She admited that she could not raise a baby. In fact she got so frustrated with my daughter as an infant that she put her in her crib and walked out and left her alone for 3 hours. Now for some reason she thinks she can "handle it" (her words)

I cringe with fear for any new baby she brings into the world. Her life has not really changed at all, except that she has married a man who is mentally retarded (he is mildy retarded. that is his diagnosis, not me being mean). She has her hands full caring for him...
However, if she chooses to have another baby, that is her choice and her business.

My issues is what to tell my daughter when she asked how come she could take care of that baby and not me.

I think that I am going to tell her that her birth mom had tried to care for her for 8 months and just could not do it. Then she thought she was that she had matured and grown enough to be able to properly care for a child.

I will then remind of of the ways her birth mom shows that she still loves her by sending her gifts on holidays and calling her and visiting her.

I hope that will be enough.

cmc

They should keep the explanation simple. For one thing in spite of the mom's good intentions she may also have a hard time with this baby. And as the 3 year old grows she may figure out on her own that her dads are better equiped than her mom, depending how the mom does with the new baby. Maybe something like... she thinks she can do it now so she's going to try again. Now that you are with us we all want you to stay with us, but we will still see mommy.

Camille

personally i would wait for the child to ask me (one or both of her dads) that way you know for sure the child is old enough to understand.
They all they have to say is that when she was little her mum was having problem looking after her due to emotional reasons or financial reasons and although her mum loves her a lot she thought she would be better off with someone that could love and support her and all her needs better then she could at the time.
The situation has now changed and she is capable of looking after her little brother or sister.
Just keep reinforcing how much she is loved and that you don't know what you would do without her.
Good luck

mamaac43

If she is a small child I don't think that I would get into the answers right now. If asked by the child I would tell her that she loved her so much she wanted her to be with a family that loves her and could provide everything that she couldn't. If you dramatize on the fact that the mother didn't have time for her then the child will. Positive reinforcement of the loving situation that she is in now will make a positive person.
Also, I think that since it is such an open adoption that the father's should ask her mother to please find a new way to phrase her words as to why the little girl doesn't live with her.

sizesmith

My son's first mom did the same thing, and gave birth 11 months after he was born, and kept the baby girl.

My plans are to tell him the truth. At the time she placed him, she knew it was best, and that her life was a mess in several ways. By placing him, she knew how much it hurt, and that she knew she couldn't do it again, and that in that time, she had found new resources and had straightened her life out enough to help herself.

I just know that one day, as long as I'm not malicious, or deceitful in the ways that I tell him, that he'll make up his own mind.

In their case, 3 years is a long time to change her lifestyle, her bad habits, and to get more on her feet, emotionally, and financially. Since she'd already placed the oldest, she also knows that she's got to leave some stability in the child's life, and that she has 2 parents who do love her very much, and doesn't want to upset her world more than it already has. I hope she honors the open adoption, and keeps in touch with her daughter.

dsz5463

That's tough. Maybe the child would understand the concept that once you give a gift you can't take it back, even if you wanted to. She gave the girl to the new dads and she gave the little girl a chance to be loved by them and couldn't take those gifts back. She promised the dads they could keep her and she can't go back on it. Even though she has learned how to be a mommy (which is why she's keeping this baby) she can't break her promise. The have to start saying that she couldn't (past tense) take care of her at the time she gave her up. No matter what happens, this is for keeps, even if she learned how to be a good mommy, which she hopes to be with the new baby. She still loves her and always will but you have to keep your promises.
Hope this helps.

brit23

i would tell her that she is their daughter and it was always MEANT to be that way. mommy just had a new baby so she can love it as her daddy's love her. but i would also add that her mom loves her so much that even though she already has parents she still wants to be part of her life.

Persnickety Snack

I have to agree with Independant here. There's still 15 years of her childhood left. Why should she have to lose out on so many years because her mom wasn't able to parent for the first ONE year? That doesn't make any sense. If it's an open relationship, she knows her mom, and if she'a asking already why they're not together, it's not going to be a difficult transition for her. How could it possibly be in this girl's best interests to stay with these men, when her mom CAN raise her now?

If they decide not to reunite them and disolve the adoption, there really isn't any way to explain it so that it sounds good. It's just not good, period. And trying to make it sound good isn't going to help this girl's self esteem any. I mean, you're basically saying that if you explain it well enough, she'll just accept whatever you say. Give the kid some credit. She sounds way smarter than that. She's going to figure it out, and pretending like it's a good situation when it's not is just insulting to her.

Independ"ant"

The best thing that couple can do is to reunify their adaughter with her mother.....ya know for the best interest of the children.

ETA...sure she doesn't want her daughter back....whatever makes you sleep better. You asked for the best solution....someone is going to get hurt.....let it be the adult and not the child. Unfortunately....this girl will feel like a bought DVD if the Aps put their best interests before hers.

durdenslabs

If I were the dads I would ask the mom why she thinks she's "equipped and able to cope" with this new baby? Does she plan on giving this one up in a year also?
That's just me. The little girl is going to resent her mother for not loving her enough to raise her, but would raise her sibling. She may want to go back with mom also. If mom wants the child back can she be taken? As long as the dads have legally adopted the girl I'd start weaning her off of seeing her mom. She's 3, she'll end up forgetting within a few years. It will be easier to not have her mom and sibling around that continue to allow visits. Especially if the visits are allowed by dads but don't have to continue if they don't want them to.

Momof2!

She will be fine. People need to get over adoption being everything.

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