I'm missing my son, how do I cope?

Shortly after my 15th birthday, I became pregnant. I was told by my mother that I was going to get an abortion.
I flat-out refused so, she came up with another idea. Her best friend (who couldn't have children) was going to adopt my baby.
I was only 15, I had no idea what my legal choices were so I had to go with it. My other option was to be kicked out of the house.
Well, that was 12.5 years ago. Since then, I have gotten married and had 2 more children.
My adoption was supposed to be an open adoption. Which basically meant that I got an annual photo of my son with a little letter telling me how he was.
I haven't heard anything in over 3 years. The adoptive mother just stopped sending anything. I've tried sending cards and letters and there is no reply.
Christmas is coming up and the holiday times seem to be the hardest. I get to watch my other children enjoying themselves and all I can wonder is how is my son? Is he happy? Healthy? Alive even?
I hate being on this side of the fence. I have no control over the situation at all. The adoptive mother can decide one day that she never has to contact me again and that is that. And this is what she has done. I doubt I will ever hear from her again.
It makes me so mad, sad, lost, and desperate. I didn't even want to give my child up and now she can't even send me one lousy photo?
All I want to know is that he is okay, what he looks like, what he likes to do, etc.
I guess I will never know unless he decides to find me when he is old enough. How do I cope with the pain in the meantime?
Thanks for listening.

Additional Details
I already have their names and addresses but, they won't reply back.
And I will not post personal information on the internet.
Thanks anyway.

Shannon T

I am not by any means a fan of adoption. If children are in foster care and need homes then, that is the only reason that I can agree with the practice of adoption. But for individuals who can't have children to prey on teen mothers or unwed moms,to breed children for them (with the help of the government!) is a practice that I can't believe is legal. I have had questions deleted off of this Freedom of Speech Abusing Site regarding my feelings for couples who take away a baby's identity and won't allow them any information on their true origins so many times that I am blue in the face. Unfortunately, my advice is probably as illegal as the practice of adoption Should be, but I am gonna make my suggestion any way. I would suggest that you go to your child's school and speak with him personally.He is old enough at this point to have his own opinions and may want to speak with you too( Let him know that you love him and that you've been denied access to him. I'd give him a certified letter with my personal and contact information on it. Let your child start making some of the decisions that affect his life since this woman has decided to take it all into her hands. I know this sounds kinda bad but it's all about how you go about it and it beats waiting until he is 18 or until this woman decides that it's ok to send you a photo of your own child.

Lori A

If they live anywhere near you, you can basically stalk them. Sorry but that's what it's called. Find his school and see him from a far. I know how unsettling this is for some adoptive parents here to imagine this but you have to understand, this woman was sent pic's, letters, contact and then one day it just stopped. It doesn't mean she did anything wrong. It might just be that someone else got tired of communicating, or felt that there was no more reason to continue the communication.

This is heart wrenching for a mother of any sort to have to be in this position. To constantly wonder what happened, what she did wrong, if she did anything wrong. was it the adoptive mother or the child who decided this, does the child hate her now, why, how do they feel about being adopted, are they still happy, is this because the child's not being responsive enough to the adoptive parents, are they still alive. This is torture beyond words.

I understand your suffering and I empathize. Is your mother still friends with this woman? can she shed any light on how your son is doing?

Crystal

It's a bad *** situation and it happens a lot. Due to them wanting to think that they are the mother of the child and not you, so they sever all contact. Which is hard on yourself and probably later in life the child's.

I don't know how to help but if you did this whole adoption thing threw an agency perhaps they can assist you otherwise I'm sorry but you are stuck; like most mother's who've gone through this situation.

I hope you get in contact with them and sort this out...

Carol c

How horrible of these people!!!

I would be a polite but squeaky wheel. I would notify both the court and if there was an agency involved, I would let them know. Legally they may not be able to enforce it, but if they contact these people and let them know that they are violating an agreement - whether it is legal to do this or not - it is most definitly immoral.

As far as coping - it's hard I know. Get to a counselor/therapist who understands adoption and not one who tries to marginalize your experience.
If that didn't work, I would write to the parents and tell them that you have no choice but to do what you can to get them to reopen this adoption. I would tell them you will go to the media and write to legislators in your state to determine what your rights are. And remind them that someday your/their son is going to know that they were not honorable people about something so significant.

Just a Mom

I am sorry, and I can't imagine how you feel. I hope that maybe the Christmas spirit will hit her and she will send you a letter and a picture.

Mama of 2

I'm so sorry. It must be torture to have regularly had updates, and then nothing.
Does your mom know how you feel? I was told to have an abortion by my mom, she paid 1/2 and the boy paid 1/2. All I had to do was show up. It was horrible. And I'm still suffering from the loss, even though it was 17 years ago and I've had 2 kids since. I finally told my mom exactly how I felt about being railroaded into a decision. It didn't change anything, but I figured she should know.
Your situation is different. Maybe your mom could help you enforce the original agreement since she arranged the "deal". Did she get paid for your "services"? If so, treat her like the agency, and demand that she work it out.
Of course, if nothing can be done, you'll have to wait until he's 18 and then try to contact him. You can also register yourself with a reunification service so that your information will be available when/if he tries to search for you.

My heart goes out to you.

Gina

I agree with some of the other posters, in taht you should write them a heartfelt letter and tell the fmily how you feel about what they've done. Even though you're in a rotten situation, they did agree to at least let you know how he's doing, and they should. Maybe they don't "have to" legally, but they still shouldn't go back on their world like that. Possibly remind her that you were forced into this situation and let her know that while you don't plan on stalking them, that you would like to know that he's alive at least. I also suggest sending it in a registered letter...that might get their attention a little more, if they have to sign for it.

I'm sorry you're going through this, that is really rotten of that woman!

reneaumommy

You say they don't respond but have you shared your actual feelings with them. Maybe send a heartfelt letter saying you just want to know your son is safe, happy, and healthy?

Isabel

Try finding some details like names, addresses, numbers about them.

Mother of 4our

Do you know what his name is, maybe one of us can help speak to the mother. What is her name and where were they living previously.

Vertigo

This is so sad for you, but unfortunately you gave up any rights to your son when you signed the adoption papers. It's like an ongoing torture I know. I sometimes wonder if it would have been better for the mental and emotional health of the mother to have had an abortion. I know that sounds really awful, but you're going through so much mental anguish and it'll probably never be resolved. I don't know how you cope with the pain - I guess you just have to focus on your other children and get on with your life. Good luck.

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