I adopted a disabled child and my family is giving me a hard time about it?

icehockeymom7

I am so sorry your family is treating you this way. I have two daughters with severe disabilities, and most of the time people underestimate what my girls can understand, and will just say rude things as if they are not there. It is very difficult to deal with criticism from family members, especially when you are a first time parent. But you sound like a strong woman who made a decision that was right for you and your daughter, and they are just going to have to live with that. We adopted a child two years ago and our families were somewhat critical as well. Our adopted daughter is not disabled, but since our two bio daughters have severe disabilities, we were constantly told that we already had our hands full and should not be taking on more. The only way others can view your life is through the lens of their own experiences. If your family has never been around a child with a severe disability, they are uncomfortable and don't know how to react. That's not your problem, and it's not an excuse for their behavior, but it's an explanation for how they are reacting. People will also automatically put their own personal limitations on you.....for example, if your mom feels she could "never" handle a child with a disability, she is forgetting that you may not have that personal limitation and that you are indeed perfectly capable of parenting this child. Just because she is incapable of this, does not mean you are. If I were in your situation, I would make it very clear to my family that they are not to talk about my daughter as if she is not there. They are not to say things in front of her thinking she cannot understand them. I would let them know how much you love them and how much you want them in your life, but that if they cannot stop these comments, they will not be welcome in your home any longer. Let them know this was a thoughtful decision on your part, not something you did willy-nilly, and that you expect them to respect your decision even if they do not agree with it. I have come to understand over time with my daughters, most people just do not value children with severe disabilities. They are unable to see past the limitations and into the soul of that child. Once they can spend some time with her, once they can really begin to see past the wheelchair and the diapers and the feeding tube and ventilator, they are going to grow to love her. But they need to understand that making those comments in front of her is totally unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Your daughter is a person of value and worth, and her life is going to be valued and cherished in your home. Let them know that this may not be the granddaughter or niece they were expecting, but that she deserves love and life just as any other child. Sometimes as moms to kids with severe special needs, we have to kind of adjust our definition of success in life......we begin to realize that success is not the same thing for every person, and that is ok. We begin to realize that a person has many, many ways to live a full and happy life and just because she is in a wheelchair, or in diapers, etc, does not mean her life cannot be happy, full, and successful. Every child has a purpose. Wishing you and your daughter many blessings!

OkiefromMuskogee

Fcuk them. If you want to give of yourself like that, that's your business. If they cannot behave themselves in front of your daughter, they do not need to be anywhere near your daughter and for her sake, you need to let them know you mean business.

Mom to Foster Children

I wouldn't even open the door to these people. My inlaws treat my older two children (from a previous marriage) totally different than my youngest son (adopted). There is no blood line with any of the children but since the younger one shares my hubby's last name he is king of the jungle. There are people in my hubby's family that state that there is only 1 true grandchild (not ours of course) because he is the only one with the "blood line". It used to make me wonder why we adopted and then I remember that we didn't adopt to make my MIL happy! It wasn't about her!

Lori A

It's crude but gets the point across. Simply don't open the door the next time they come to visit.

cantstopLinnyG

Rachel-
I am so sorry your family acts this way. I don't know if there is anything you can do, short of just coming out and saying, "This is my daughter, your granddaughter. If you cannot treat her as such, you are not welcome in our home."

Its heartbreaking to read this. My a-Dad's mother treated me and my brother (also adopted) like this. My sister (my a p's bio kid) was always treated like a princess by her, and gave her lavish gifts for Christmas & B-days, and would give my bro & I something under $5.00, and never once came to our b-day parties.

It broke my heart that my parents never said anything to her. Mom says it's because she was "taught to respect her elders", and wanted to keep peace in the family. When I was a senior in high school & she gave me her token gift, I finally said, "You made your point- I am not your real grand daughter, keep it." Thank God my other grandparents never treated us that way...

I have forgiven my parents for not sticking up for me and my brother, but it still hurts, and I am 43 years old....

Stick up for YOUR family.

GOgreen

You need to sit down with your family when you are apart from your daughter and explain to them thouroughly how upset you are with there disaproval and how badly you want them to accept you decision. Afterall, you are a hero in so many ways. This girl needed someones help, and you stepped up and made sacrafices to bring her into your life and show her love.

djlovestennis24

omg that's awful, and you are a wonderful person whether or not your parents want to see it disabled children need homes to and they are just as sweet and amazing as normal children...they are normal children. i would threaten your parents and say tht they can't say those things or you won't come see them anymore. also sit down and maybe have a long tlk with them about it i mean wht if you had been born disabled? would they have hated you? prolly not i would consider pointing tht out to them to. ok well i wish you the best of luck!

~Jojo~

I'm 12. We're not stupid. I have a disambled cousin with similar disabilities. He's not stupid. It's their own idiocy that is keeping them from understanding what a good person you are. Don't let it get to you. Your stranger friends of the yahoo community will always be on your side. Best of luck!

Erin L

How long ago did you adopt her? It's normal for family to go through shock, grief when they learn that a baby was born with disabilities. Their reaction may be the same thing. In time everyone adjusts and loves the family member for who they are.

What is different is your daughter is 12 and can understand the comments and that, at least right now, she is unwanted by them. That is a BIG problem. She must absolutely NOT be subjected to that. You can't MAKE your family change. BUT, you can set the terms that they have a choice to make . . . respect your family or stay away. It may come down to having to choose your daughter over them if they don't change because she CANNOT continue being around that and must have protection from it.

Wundt

I am sorry to hear that. We thankfully had the opposite happen, we adopted two boys who are not physically disabled, but are developmentally delayed and may need ongoing care for much of their lives. When we first told our families we were adopting through foster care, most of them had the attitude that such children would be "someone else's mistake". However, after the adoption was completed, our families saw the boys as great kids and now love them as much as we do.

I wish I had an answer for you. I think you need to press on. Tell them that this child is now your child, and that they must accept that. If they don't come around, you will need accept that they may never do so and move on. You have done a wonderful thing (something I am not sure I could do) and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Shushu A

I just want to say that: You are a great person and you will get all the blessing and happiness because of this very human step.

Go ahead and do not bother about anybody else's opinion

It is the best thing a person can do.

dizzkat

You love your daughter for the challenged and wonderful human being that she is and love your family for the limited and fearful human beings they are.
You have accepted a challenging and difficult role as mother to a 12 year old and she must be your focus. Either the rest of your family can step up and be a support, or they can back off and become unimportant. You have been given an amazing gift and if others can't see your child in the light of love and humor and practical, hands on help- well, you don't need them around and neither does she.

Mrs. AÂ²

That's disgusting! What is wrong with them, that is not how you treat people. I feel so sorry for your daughter that she has to hear such hurtful things from your family. I think it's so sweet of you that you chose to adopt her and give her the kind of life and love that she deserves. As for your family, all you can do is sit down with them and tell them that you will not tolerate such rude and disrespectful behavior from them. Best wishes ;)

sheesh youre all nuts

GOD BLESS PPL LIKE YOU!!! someone who actually sees the side that most dont! my aunty once adopted a boy who was retarted, he couldnt talk, he was under weight, and wouldnt eat, screamed none stop, and he never really knew love. its been 10 years now, and he talks so well, he sits and eats dinner with the family, he has put on so much weight its unbelieveable. he doesnt scream, instead he keeps sayin i love you, i love you, i love you over and over to my aunty. ive never been so proud of a person, and never respected anyone like i respected her, she changed this boys life completely, and all he needed was a bit of attention and a lot of love and set in the right direction. you have a heart of gold and im sure it will all go the same for you. really god bless you, you deserve everything in life!!! just let your family know how beautiful of a person you are.

heaven and emilees mom

i wouldn't allow someone family or not to treat my kids like sh*t they wouldn't be welcome at my home esp if there making my kid cry

AdoreHim

You need to talk to your parents, out of earshot of your wonderful daughter. You need to tell them that you chose her. Even though you love your family, and they most likely love you= that does not give the right to tell you who to adopt. I have to tell you that what you did is amazing. Your daughter sounds amazing- I hope and pray that your family will stop complaining and come alongside of you and help you with your daughter. That is what they are going to has to realize - she is your daughter!

momma05

I see nothing wron with you adopting a disabled child. It dosnt matter what is wrong with the child everyone needs to be shown love and care. I would talk to your Family again and just tell them this was your choice you are taking care of her. Stop hurting her with the things you say. Im sure you don't want to but I would even go as far to say if you wont stop then just dont come around. This child needs to see what it is like to have someone care for her and not look down on her. It dosent matter if she is blood kin or not she has feelings. If you love this little girl then you need to have a stop put to rude remarks before she reallty gets her feelings hurt. I hope God blesses you beyond measure for taking this child in and caring for her. Not alot of people would do that. Your a strong woman and you should be proud! I give you alot of credit for doing this for her I can't even express how touching this is.. God bless you

K!$H@

Awww... thats so sad... i really dont know what to say
but hope everything gets better
there are somethings (habbits) that people never change, but it depends on the person like my dad thinks he is always right even if he has proof that he is wrong an that will never change, hopefully your family is understanding

LexMc

First let me say that I think that it is wonderful that you've adopted a disabled child. Usually those who need the most help get the least. You need to tell your family in no uncertain terms, that those hurtful remarks are unacceptable and if they don't accept your daughter then they don't accept you. They need to realize that taking care of and loving your daughter isn't going to hurt you. They need to realize that by rejecting your daughter THEY are hurting you. And make sure to let your daughter know that she has your love.

DeeENY

Shes is still part of the creation of nature.. Why not make her feel loved .. Thats what you should be telling your family .. That she should be accepted just as you!

Deejayâ™¥ â™¥ TTC Baby no.1 â™¥ â™¥

Awww hunny, well first of all i want to say it WELL DONE!!! you are a fantastic person and i cant see how your family cannot see this!! Yes you could of had your own children but you chose to give this little girl all your love and care instead - why is that so wrong in your family's eyes! it doesnt make any sense to me! You are making this childs life a lot better than what it would be and your family can too if they could just accept her like they accept their own.

i'm sitting here typing this and i cant help but feel sad at what this little girl (your daughter) has to go through every day of her life but then there are people like you to help make it better.

I no it must be hard because its your family by try and talk to them away from your daughters ears and explain to them why you chose to adopt her and not have your own kids and how much it means to you to be able to make her life so much better and how they can help with that, explain to them that what they say hurts your daughter so much that she cries to you about!

Oh hunny i really hope you get this sorted out but just remember you are an amazing person for what you have done!!

Good luck hunn
xxxx

sarah314

Others have given some good responses, so I'll mention a few things that haven't been said (yet)...

I'm curious as to whether you took any steps to prepare your family and/or inform them of your decision making process *before* deciding to adopt your daughter?

It certainly doesn't excuse them being rude in front of her. However, if they were caught off guard by your decision, it could explain why they haven't accepted her (yet). Some people would have a hard time feeling an "instant family bond" with a 12 year old (even one without your daughter's disabilities).

You should absolutely establish boundaries as far as what is/is not acceptable behavior around your daughter.

However, you also stated that you'd like your family to become close to your daughter as well...an important part of that is allowing them the time/space to adjust to the major changes that have happened in the family unit. The ideal time to do this would have been *before* you adopted your daughter, of course, to spare the types of incidents that have already happened.

Apparently that did not occur, so at this point the best thing you can do is make sure your parents follow the guidelines you set, and yet still show them some compassion and allow them time to gradually adjust to the changes. Unfortunately, you can't force feelings of family closeness, its something that has to happen gradually with mutual understanding on both parts.

Good luck!

TerraMere

Wow...this sounds awful. You may or may not be able to change your family's opinions and attitudes but you can stand up for your daughter. Speak to your family at a time when your daughter is not around. Let them know you love them and realize that they are having a hard time accepting your decision but that you feel very comfortable with it and love your daughter very much. Let them know you are hopeful they too will come to appreciate all of her wonder qualities and be a positive part of her life however you will not be able to allow them to be with your daughter if they are going to say hurtful things in front of her. Tell them that this will also mean that unfortunately they will also see much, much less of you as you are generally with your daughter. This will likely upset them but it needs to be said. You can not allow them to be disrespectful of your child. This poor girl at one point lost her first family and may have had numerous other temporary placements. She may worry about losing you when she hears these types of things. You simply can not allow this type of behavior from your family. My hope would be they will eventually come around and accept your decision and daughter but until then she needs to know her mom is going to stand up for her and make sure she is treated as she should be.

Good luck and God bless.

~T

Vikki Dreams

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.
I'm not sure why your family is doing this but it is wrong.
I'm adopted and know family is extremely important.
I wish everyone had the commitment to family as you do.
But your daughter should not be treated like this.
Try talking with them in private and tell them how you feel.
If they do not make changes I would cry but I would cut ties.
Hopefully it will not come to that.

I have MS and use a wheelchair among other things the MS has caused.
While your daughter has more to deal with than I do,
she deserves the respect all people deserve.
People with disabilities are not less important.

You are a wonderful person and God bless you for all you're doing.

Chloe

You are a wonderful person for what you did. It is hard (including me) for most people to understand why you'd be willing to devote the rest of your life caring for such a child. Some people may even say "she's throwing her life away" but you are NOT! That is horrible that they said those in front of your little girl (and she is your little girl)! I would write a letter to every family member explaining EXACTLY how you feel. Let them know why you adopted her and what a wonderful girl she is even though she can't run and play and MAKE SURE that they know how they've made her feel and what heartache this precious child has had to endure in her young life already. You need to let them know that either they need to accept you and your child or you don't want them to be any part of your life. Let them know they don't have to approve of it and they are entitled to their opinions but they need to leave all that behind when you and she are around! I know it's asking a lot to choose between them and the girl but that's what position they've put you in! You can't subject her to hearing anymore of that from your own family (her family now)! She'll hear it enough from others I'm sure. She is probably so sad because she thinks she's a burden and you always need to stress that she is anything but a burden and you would've never adopted her if you hadn't thought about it long and hard. God bless you. I wish there were more people out there like you! Never give up on this child.

destroy19

tell your kids that you wanted to save him. so u did i meen, whats wrong with having a disabled kid. he might be disabled but u can rase him to overcome the odds.

Crucio

Shame on your family and bless you for adopting this child despite her disabilities. Since your family is clearly hurting your child I would not allow them around until they can come around. I would tell them this with out your daughter present. Tell your daughter that it is not her but sadly many people can be ignorant.

Animal lover68

I think what you did was an absolutely wonderful,unselfish,beautiful thing by adopting this precious little girl.You obviously have a very big heart and I think you 2 are so lucky to have found each other!!!! It's clear that special needs children deserve the same love and respect as other children.I am saddened to see how close-minded your family is acting towards your daughter.Maybe they don't feel that same bond towards her that they do the other grandkids because she is not biological.When they say rude things about her,don't they realize that she can hear everything they say? Are they really that heartless? She is a human being,for pete's sake and they need to realize that! I pity them-because they are the ones missing out on a wonderful relationship with her.If I had a disabled child of my own,whether adopted or biological,I know my entire family would welcome him/her with open arms just the same.
Sounds like you need to have a nice long talk with your parents and siblings and explain to them that this really,really hurts you and your daughter,and that they are acting childish.Explain to them that TRUE LOVE does not see disability,it just comes naturally.Have they ever spent an entire day with her? Do they even know her personality? Maybe some well spent alone time together,without you,could help them bond better with her.If they cannot see the error of their ways and continue this foolishness,then I think you need to slowly distance yourself from them for a while and just focus on what's most important-your relationship with your daughter.

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