I am having a hard time bonding with my 9 year old adopted daughter. She has been with us for 1 1/2 years.?

â™¥â™¥Ritaâ™¥â™¥

In working with foster children who are placed for adoption this is what I have experienced

Some bond and some don't and some bond on a level that is a bit different. It is a more generalized cohesiveness rather than a mother-child type bond.

I think this little girl is seeking to bond with you. You write that she acts differently around you, she plays with baby toys, shirks Hygiene, trying with your day care children, gets in personal space. I think she is trying to bond, on her level. You as the parent needs to seek moments where that bond can be nurtured such as shopping trips, girls day out, you being the only caregiver when she is sick, hugs, stolen moments. This is going to take some creativity on your part and the closer you get to her the more she will probably act out and push you away but that is a test and she is going to put you through the wringer.

I disagree that all adoptees do not bond with their a/parents. One would have to define "bond" and generalize that to every adoption case.

Also, if you are feeling inadequate as an adult, what may she be feeling?? Children pick up on these emotions.

Good luck to you.

monkeykitty83

Is she in therapy? Are YOU in therapy? If not, I suggest it for both of you. Adoption can be a tough adjustment, and you may need some help to smooth the transition. Particularly given her age at the time of adoption, she's probably been through more than her share of trauma, and it sounds like you need some additional resources to parent her.

Has she been evaluated for developmental delays? Children develop at different rates, and I'm not suggesting this just so she can be labeled with a diagnosis, but she may need some different learning strategies to be applied if at the age of nine she still plays with toddler toys and has major struggles with hygiene.

This is going to sound critical, and I really don't mean to criticize you. I know this is tough. When it comes to getting past the negative, though-- as a parent, it's really your job to accept her as she is, not her job to live up to your expectations. Easier said than done, I know, but you adopted her, so you HAVE to. You have to learn how to love her for who she is, regardless of her faults.

For now, I think the best advice I can give is to "fake it till you make it." The more affection you show her (within the limits of her willingness to accept it, of course,) the more natural showing affection will feel. Talk to her about the things you appreciate about her, and it'll help you remember what's great about her. Give her hugs and cuddles even if you don't really feel like it, and you'll physically train yourself to be closer to her. Never, ever complain to her about not feeling bonded to her-- that's not a burden any child needs to carry.

While you do this, I think you also need to talk to a therapist about whatever issues you have that prevent you from feeling connected to your daughter. The therapist can suggest strategies to realign your thinking, and ways to become closer as a family.

It's important to respond actively to this. Remember that whatever happens, when you decided to adopt her, she became your daughter for life. I wish you the best.

DevonChaos

I completely agree with Anastasia B. I never bonded with my adoptive mother. This could by for any number of reasons. One thing that you can do is really find out what makes your daughter tick. Find out her interests, what gives her joy. Find something that the two of you have in common and try to find activities where the two of you work toward a common goal. You may never fully bond with her, but she deserves to feel wanted and special also.
As far as the negative things, if you work on the positive with her, and let her know why you feel a certain way about personal space or hygiene, perhaps she will better understand your expectations. You really need to step up and be the "grown up" here and treat her the way she deserves to be treated. She doesn't want to be bad, she wants to be loved. Try to look past all of what you find to be negative, and look at the little girl who needs you. If you adopted her at age 7, she may have 7 years of hard living to get over. Just give her time and love. Unconditional.

Zeena

Since she was an older kid, she has probably been through a lot and might have trust issues (or trust issues with women)

I am very bonded with my mom.All the people saying it cannot happen do not know every case so they really cannot judge.My mom is awesome and she never treats me like I am adopted.

But I was also adopted when I was a baby so it might be different with her as she has lived a good chunk of her life like she did.

Jennifer L

Parenting a child adopted at an older age can be very challenging.

You don't mention the route of adoption you chose, but I'm assuming it's either foster-adoption or international adoption. Children coming from either one of these situations often experience regression. Some of the things you're describing point towards that. It could also be that she craves your undivided attention and is acting out in order to get that, especially when you are caring for other children.

One of the most important things to remember is to make sure that your expectations are reasonable. A 7 year old girl that was living on the streets or in a "Lord of the Flies" orphanage in a third world country is not going to turn into a girl scout overnight. Most of the disruptions of older adopted children occur because the APs have unrealistic expectations of the child. If your standards are so high that she cannot reach them, you will constantly be disappointed and frustrated. Parent to the child, not the age.

If it is to the point where you are so frustrated that you don't feel you are connecting to your daughter, it may be time to seek some help.

Good luck.

Annabelle

Are your expectations realistic? Can you accept her for who she is and meet her there? If she was adopted at age 7 she probably has been through quite a bit. You may want to research reactive attachment disorder which is quite common in older adopted children.

Question Queen

Maybe you can get counseling therapy & a social worker for her.

Penny A (Vanessa)

She's a child for goodness sake. So what if she is bossy and has no respect for property or personal space, it is YOUR JOB as her mother to help her overcome these things, steer her in the right direction, and be a good role model to her. Why not spend time on fun activities you can do together? Not only will you enjoy your time together, you will probably start to bond too.

Felicita1

What is the situation with her natural family? Unless she is an orphan, she may have family out there, and even if she was removed from her mother at birth, it is still possible that the bond remains there. Nine months of bonding cannot be discredited or ignored. It exists, as many successful adoption reunions prove.

She is someone else's daughter as well as yours. She didn't appear out of no-where or like she was born to you. She may have ties and connections to other people.

PLUS she may feel that she has to pretend that you are her only mother, even if she has another mother out there whom she loves and cares about (and this can indeed be the case even if a child was abused or neglected).

So you may want to validate her experience and let her know that loving you does not mean rejecting or forgetting about her other family but it is okay to love two sets of parents.

Who orchestrated the adoption? Do they provide post-adoption counseling or just pawn the kid off with you (one less in foster care is great from their POV plus they may get the adoption incentive bonus) and leave you keeping your fingers crossed?

Santa's Lil' Helper

She is obviously sensing the animosity you feel towards her.
Please seek counseling for yourself. This is NOT a jab at you. For her sake and well being you must work this out and clear the space between you. No child wants to be where they feel unwanted...this may be her coping mechanism and not so much a behavior problem.

Raquel

It sounds like your not "adopting" material. sorry i grew up in foster care and i know the feeling of not being wanted discuss it with you rhubby and give her a chance to have a mother that loves her.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

adoptee's do not bond with aparents.

i love my aparents, but there is no "mother-daughter" bonding going on. it's not biological. babies and children bond with the woman who carried them.

bonnie

if you can't bond with her ...why not give her two me i have an 18 year old daughter who i adopted at 16...i love children and want more

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