I am really perplexed. Why do people say "We tried adopting in this country but it fell through" ....?

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP

What I don't get is why people adopt OLDER kids from abroad.

At least when they are adopt a baby from abroad there is a method to their madness.

tish_part deux

come on now. you know that "those kids" are most likely f*cked up, minority and meth addicted. a lot of paps are not looking to help out kids who need help, yet have a baby just like the pregnant women.

and...since young women have decided to parent their own children, the supply for healthy white babies is decreased; hence they are forced to go and find an exotic model from [insert poor or war torn country here] to show off at church.

besides, it's tough to use a funky sling, orbit stroller or breastfeed (using drugs and hormones) a 6 year old...

--------------------------------------...

answer: when people say this, it's a clear indication that they are not adopting for the child; yet for themselves.

The brain

I am really surprised you are asking this.

I think people might look into foster care and see that the children are mostly ~7-8 years old on average. Immediately they move on. They don't want a child, they want a baby or a toddler.

And I think Tish summed it up the best.....

Crucio

I agree if people were wiling to adopt children, babies, toddlers who are in need of homes and parents/family it would be much better. Plus since these children are already available for adoption (Waiting Children) whether their natural parents gave up their rights or their rights were terminated. So there is no walking on egg shells waiting for a reclaim period to end or fear that the natural parents will change their minds. As you said there are children of all ages in the system all the way from a infant up to 17+.

People buy into the myths of adopting from foster care people just need to be educated about adoption from FCS. Sure you might have some issues to work on with a child from FC even more if they are older , depending on what their past history is. Yet a lot of people in this world have issues that they need to work on or need help working on. A biological child or adoptee from an agency/IA can have issues that they will have to deal with and their parents or guardian will have to help them through it.

People should also remember that fostering isnâ€™t always meant to end in adoption. If people want that then they need to adopt a waiting child that is in the system or do the Fos to adopt where they will be placed with only a child(ren) who have a high chance of becoming available for adoption.

Kazi

When prospective parents say that an adoption fell through, it could mean about a million different things: everything from expectant parents changing their minds to unforeseen health issues with the baby that the prospective parents are unwilling to accept to perhaps discovering something about the process itself that they did not agree with. And probably many other reasons.

As for why they don't just adopt from foster care instead of adopting internationally (which I am assuming you were questioning), I believe many don't even consider it, simply because they don't understand how it works. I know we didn't. I think the majority of people looking to adopt believe that CAS's mandate is to reunite children with their parents and they are not interested in that because they want to be parents. And of course there are the ugly stigmas that are attached to foster kids (as you are only too familiar).

Honestly, if it wasn't for the intervention of our social worker who is very much a vocal advocate of adoptions through CAS, who encouraged us and a few other families to actively research foster care adoptions and attend a resource exchange program, we would never have chosen to go that route or met and adopted our gorgeous son.

I think people just don't know enough about it. Foster care is a dirty little secret. That's why I would love to see more "marketing" for lack of a better word, to get the word out about these kids. I think there has been enough movies of the week and Criminal Minds episodes to detract people from choosing that option. There needs to be more of the other side. The people like us and the adoptive parents on here who adopted their kids from the public system and who wouldn't trade their kids for anything.

Hmmm, perhaps Michael Moore could do wonders here.

P.S. I also think a lack of resources are to blame in the sense that the wait to adopt from foster care and can be just as long (if not longer) than adopting from some international programs. For example, in my district, there are over 5,000 children that are available for adoption and a backlog of waiting parents. YET, only 35 children (including my son) were adopted last year. The backlog doesn't even begin to match the number of waiting children, but there is a standstill ebcause there are only 5 social workers in the adoption unit. It's a travesty. There are children waiting for families and parents waiting to parent, but the system is holding everything up. I think because of that, some prospective parents are looking elsewhere.

monkeykitty83

I've heard anecdotally that in some areas social workers are reluctant to distinguish between children who are legally free for adoption, and those who still have reunification as a case goal, when making placements. To me it seems counterproductive, but state social workers doing something counterproductive isn't exactly difficult to believe, and I suppose in the short term it would make for less work.

Also, some states will if possible not TPR without an adoptive family in mind, so in those states being matched with a child who is or will be legally free for adoption gets much murkier, since the TPR could end up being difficult to obtain when it's finally pursued.

So I do think it's POSSIBLE that any given family is dealing with obtuse social workers or odd state policies. That said, I don't think it's likely that everyone who claims to have "tried" to adopt through foster care actually has, or if so has put in any serious amount of effort. The majority of the time, I think it's said to cover their bases from criticism when they choose another route for adoption. I wish people would just be honest, and accept the honest opinions of others.

Independ"ant"

They programmed themselves not to be honest about it.....they fear loosing the Savior status.

Within adoption it appears that its the norm to lie through your teeth.

The ones you're referring to are not kidding anyone but themselves.

mom to be

I agree with CMC.

If no one wanted to adopt infants----wouldn't they end up in foster care? So by being adopted at birth that child is not part of the system. After all the birth parents for whatever reason are not able to raise the infant. I think we also need to remember that there are women out there that have babies and keep them and they do not want them. It just makes the benefit check bigger. I know some of these woman personally through my job. Doesn't every pregnant woman want to give birth to a healthy child. So why is it so wrong for an AP to desire the same thing. In either case if your child has needs you provide the best support they need regardless of how the child came into your life.

cmc

I assume either they were adopting a baby and the mom changed her mind, or that a fost-adopt situation fell through. Why is this so perplexing?

kathiangel711

I was fostering 2 children a while back, and I wanted to adopt both of them, everything was set to go, then the day of the adoption in the court house the mother came forward and said she changed her mind, that she did not want to give up her parental rights, and although she could not have custody of them at the time, those kids had to live in foster care, they took them away from me because they said I had formed a bond to the kids and it would be harder for all involved the day that she would be able to take them home, that is of course if that day ever came. I was not allowed to know anything more about these kids, and the hurt is still there. I am sure that these 2 beautiful children have scares on their hearts for what they have had to endore. They screamed the day their case worker came to take them from me. Those cries are stuck in my head. it was horrible. I then went to do private adoption, and back then I was told that I was not as financially secure as the adoption agency want me to be, basically because I did not have 250,000.00 sitting in a bank account at the time. and their fee was 75,000.00 that to me is not finding a loving home for a child in need it is selling a baby, and the natural mother gets nothing from that, the agency keeps everything, Until this day I am still looking to give my love and everything else to a child...boy or girl, white black purple who cares...and yes at this point I do have the money the agencies want me to have but i will be damn if I will fill their bank accounts. I hope that helped answer your question a little, sorry if I went on a tangent still broken hearted in NJ

Opedial

I guess I try to look at where they are coming from. I don't agree with where they are coming from, but where they are coming from is wanting that perfect little child to replace the one they can never have. If this is someone's thoughts, then I think they would make awful adoptive parents, especially to children adopted from foster care.

I think if people are at that level of "selfishness" (I don't want to label, I am an adoptive mom too!) but if they are still in it for themselves and only themselves, then they can't see beyond what they are wanting.

And yes, there are many many children needing homes, but in honestly, that does not make it any more the responsibility of an interested potential parent, then it does yours or any other person.

You know I go back and forth on this, but I think, why just people who can't have children...why not others adopting a child in need? Why not others adopting from foster care? Let's have others do this as regular practice, taking a child in truly in need of a home, and get rid of the connotation that children coming from foster care are "second best".

People have to want to adopt from foster care, and truly be in this for the child.

Why do people say these things? Because that is where they are in their life. I don't agree with them, but their blinders are on, and it is very hard to remove blinders once they are on. I believe that foster children deserve so much more than a parent who is willing to "settle" for a foster child, when that is not what they wanted.

I think, and agree with you that more people should adopt from foster care, but I don't think adopting from foster care is the responsibility of every barren woman out there. They have to work through their own grief and come to a spot where they are comfortable adopting at all, and then from foster care.

We need education, big time, on adopting from foster care, and how wonderful it is. I just don't want that advertised to potential adoptive parents, but to all people.

davya85

I am a bit perplexed as to why people feel the need to adopt from another country. It's almost like it's more exotic to have an Asian or African baby rather than a poor lil' white kid from America. I think that every single child in this world needs a good loving family, but why go out your way to travel to a totally different country when right down the street there are children waiting to be adopted? It also boosts the population of the US even more.

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

I've talked to some people....this country is weird a bout ages of the PAP's...also ya gotta have the DOLLAR to adopt here

Isnt' that what its all about

1st off...with out foster with the intent adoption, kids can be in the homes of their PAP and still not ever be placed for adoption. I've known 2 couples that had 2 sets of kids in their homes. 1 the kids were placed and then over a year later the state decided not to let them adopt. The 2nd almost the same thing...but the kid was there for a over 2 years. I can understand why ppl get discouraged with state adoption in this country b/c it is scary and you've already formed that emotional bond and then it is ripped out.

Now some ppl decide to do domestic infant adoption and there is nothign wrong with that. IDK why ppl get flamed for wanting a baby. I know that there are tons of kids in the foster system waiting to be adopted...but come one...aren't we allowed to have our opinions and desires for growing our families?

BrewerB

They want an infant with nothing wrong with it. Most of the time they want the baby to be white. Those are very hard things to get in America considering if you have a baby and no job the government will give you a pay check for having it and a house. So when the baby finally gets taken from them it is too old or messed up from seeing its mom act like she did for them to want it. They can go to russia and get a white baby that is fine almost over night. If you adopt an American baby they pop in for years.

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