I am really sad. help me!?

C Wood

Speak to your AM about how you feel. She needs to know.

It sounds like something is really bothering you, and going to a counselor would be a good idea so you can learn why you feel so sad. All children have some kind of connection with their birth mom; that's not unusual. But your depression is not really based in this loss; you're just linking them in your own mind. Possibly knowing a bit more about your birth mom would help you.

Keep in mind that, when you turn 18 you can contact your birth mom, but some of them don't want to be contacted because it was so painful to give up their child. And some of them lost their children because they had problems that prevented them from being a good parent.

Don't wallow in self pity. As you can see, it only makes you feel worse. Tell your AM you need someone to talk to and she's the most likely one to know about your birth mom, so she's the one you feel you should talk to. It might distress her some at first, but if she's really confident in herself, she'll understand that you have reached an age where you need to know more about why you were adopted. You also need counseling to improve your self-esteem.
cw

Erin L

I'm an adoptive parent. I expect my daughter to wonder about her other mother, especially as she gets older. I expect her to want to meet her and have whatever type of relationship is possible and develps.

I don't think it's productive when other people tell you "who cares what your adoptive mother thinks" because I think it does matter to most people. That said, you shouldn't let whatever your adoptive mother's feeling are stop you from doing what you need to do for yourself. I think you should talk to your adoptive mother about your feelings. I know, as a mother, I wouldn't want my daughter afraid to talk to me about these kinds of feelings. And I wouldn't want her to be sad and missing her mother if there was something that could be done to help that. I don't know your mother. Maybe she will be hurt, unsupportive, etc. Maybe she will be very supportive and help you meet her. If you are worried about hurting her, you can stress that you love your adoptive mother, that you are not wanting to replace her, that you need answers about yourself. I know it's not your job to reassure your mother, or spare her feelings when you have every right to want to see your other mother, but it simply may help things go more smoothly for YOU if you do. Good luck. I can't tell you if meeting your other mother will make your sadness better, but I don't think you should just do nothing and become more sad every day.

ETA: Okay, Kate, gotcha, and I agree.

kateiskate

Who cares if your amom has a hard time dealing with it? It's her job to be supportive of you in anything you want to do and meeting your first mom is one of those things she should support. She shouldn't be making you feel guilty about it at all. If she does, it is likely because she feels threatened and frankly, my dear, that is HER issue, not yours.

I'd try to casually bring it up to my mom. I know it's hard, but maybe you can start by asking her to tell you about the day you first came to them and kind of ease the conversation over to adoption that way. That's what I do when i want to say something to my adoptive mom about it. Maybe ask her if she knew your natural mom or other questions like that. And then maybe you can just say "I'd really like to meet her" since the topic is already open.

If she isn't receptive to the conversation, I'd try another family member. Maybe your dad? Or a grandparent or aunt or uncle?

I'm sorry you're sad honey.

eta: Erin, OF COURSE she cares what her adoptive mom thinks. The person who posted before me made it seem as if she should base her decision on what to do on how her adoptive mom might feel about the situation. As an adoptee I happen to know what itâ€™s like to worry more about how your adoptive mom feels about the situation than you worry about whatâ€™s right for yourself. A lot of adoptees are VERY worried about how their parents feel because they are afraid of being abandoned a second time. While she cares how her mom might feel, it isn't her job to coddle her mom if her mom "has a hard time" with the daughter's need to search.

Most of us are honestly concerned with not hurting our adoptive parents and need to understand that the need to search has NOTHING to do with our adoptive parents, it has to do with ourselves and our search for truth. If my adoptive mom or the askerâ€™s adoptive mom chose to make the search about themselves instead of about us as their kids, they should look within themselves to see what it is that is lacking for them to not be able to support their children.

I want to make it clear that I am trying to say that you should not be concerned with how your adoptive family feels about search when you make that decision. You canâ€™t control how they feel, you can only control you and what YOU need. If you need to find the truth, donâ€™t let anyone influence that or stop that. Be true to yourself rather than being afraid to hurt your parents. If they love you unconditionally, they will want the best for you and support you in your decision.

purple monkey dishwasher

First of all....Big Hugs!

Second, what you are feeling is completely normal. Society thinks that we adoptees should just move on with our lives and because we have no concious memory of our birthmothers that we should have no feelings for them. But society forgets that we were attatched to our mothers for 40 weeks! We knew our mothers smells and voices.

You feel you have a connection because YOU DO HAVE A CONNECTION!! Meeting her may or may not make you feel better. Everyones situation and story is totally different. I always felt I had a connection with my mom as well. I finally met her and she is a great person, but I have a lot of pain now that I didnt have before because I wished she would have kept me. But all this pain I have is worth knowing where I came from.

Being curious about your roots is totally normal! How can you know where your going if you dont know where you came from?

I would sit your amom down and ask her some questions. This is information that is YOURS and nobody elses. Your amom will have to work through her own issues as to why you wanting to meet your birthmother is upsetting to her. She most likely will feel like you dont love her enough, or you would choose your bmom over her. She needs to understand that a child can love more than one mother, just like a mother can love more than one child and that you need to know your genetic history!

There is so much more that I can say, but it would be too long. Just know you are not alone and your feelings are totally normal!

Maybe suggest to your amom to read a few books on adoption such as:

Primal Wound- Nancy Verrier
Lost and Found- Betty Jean Liffton

These may help your mom understand what you are feeling and that you shouldnt have to go through life with so many unanswered questions. You have a right to know and dont let anyone in this world make you feel bad for wondering!!!

Good luck!

Nichola H

hello i was adopted when i was a baby and just found my birth mum through a web site i have not told my adopted mum as i really don't want to up set her . i new deep down that i wanted to meet my birth mum but believe me its not easy . but with you being so young i think you have to ask your adopted mum to help if you want the e mail address where i found my mum please e mail me .its free and simple to use
good luck

I love Chris!

I have gone through the same thing. I wanted to meet my birthmother because I felt like there was so much i wanted to know about my bfamily and if i had any brothers or sisters.

Your mom knew that when, she adopted you, this would have been brought up at one point or another. She shouldn't be to upset, or mad.

When I talked to my dad about it, he let me decide on what I thought was best, and I thought that maybe I should write her a letter to see if she wanted anything to do with me.

I know adoptees who never met their birthmothers, and adoptees that have. They are both perfectly fine with their decision. It depends if you are strong enough to deal with seeing her.

Lisa

Hi,, I am a 47 yeaar old woman now,,,, who when she was 16 year old had to give up my birth daughter . There is a long story behind it,but the fact that I had to give her up at birth because I had found out in 1978 a 16 years old kid from a hicktown who gets moved to a city ( Salt lake City) can not do it all........like get a apartment ( you have to be 18 at a minimum and most you need to be 21 to sign a lease or renters agreement) and a job ( I worked in fast food places and restraunts ,,the only places that would hire a 16 year old who had no experience or no permanent address and I was only allowed to work 35 hours a week because I was 16, and the money I made is laughable), I loved her with everything in me and did the right thing ,I relinquished her in a private adoption to a couple who was unable to have childern and wanted one so bad and where religious and loving and pillars in the community and where finicially set and I was a blessing to them.. I have loved her for the past 30 years and I have been searching for her for years and years ,all to no avail ,,I have contacted the lawyer the state ,everything,and no one will help a birth mother find the child ( though she is now 30 and a adult) she loved so much she relinquished,,, It is her who has to open the door ( there is paperwork with states you can request to be notified and there are places like the ISRR- International soundex reunion registry. I am on everything I can be on trying to find her). I am not a animal or a monster just a woman who at age 16 loved her baby so much that she did the right thing,,,,I need to find her not to upsit her life but to part of it in any manner she is comfortable giving me,,,,whatever she wants,smile,,, Please talk to your amom and tell her how you feel...we are not monsters or evil people,most of us where teenage girls who where not able to at the time be the right parent for our beautiful babies,,but I am sure your birth mother has never forgotten you or stopped loving you....I know when I do ( notice I say I do - becuase I will never stop searching as I have years and years and years ) meet my birth daughter . Her and I both will have answers and know who we are,,,

Jessica B

well if you want to really meet her and know wat shes lyk its probably better if you but i will be careful if i was you b/c it might turn 2 be good but it also might be bad

jingles

Your adoptive mom loves you more than anything in the world and she only wants what is best for you so you need to tell her how you feel about this. Even if she doesn't want to help you see your bio mom, she will want to know how sad you are over this and can help you deal with that. And you might be surprised at how she reacts, she may be expecting this and is prepared to answer your questions. Try talking to her.

Skadoctor1

It depends on your connection with your adoptive mom. From experience, I was VERY curous about my birth parents when I was a teenager not getting a long with my parents because I was thinking about what could have been, where would I be if, etc. All normal feelings, but not really productive.
If you have an open communication relationship with your mom, my suggestion would be to sit down and talk with her about how you are feeling and that you are curious about your birth parent(s).
Curiousity is normal, especially at your age. But dont feel defeated if your mom comes back with 'Ill give you information when you are older and can better understand' like mine did. I didnt understand, but after getting the court documents, completely understand now why she was protective of the information. She was trying to protect my innocense.
Each person has a different experience being adopted. I am blessed to have been adopted. Im curious if I look like my birth mom, as the facts give similar characteristics of my coloring etc. but, I have come to realize that my parents now, are my parents. My birth parents just contributed to my existance.
Each person is different, but I would question why you want to meet her? Is it because you feel disconnected to your parents now that you are a teen and are eager to learn your biological history or, because you are under the delusion you would be living a better life had you never been adopted?
If all else fails, try talking to a guidance councelor about your feelings.
Good luck!

Bryan Hudgens

ASK UR HEART N FOLLOW WHAT IS THE BEST FOR U.

uncle stevie

You have allot of mixed feelings at the moment about your Bmom and your Amom and how she Is going to take to It all. But have you thought about your Bmom wanting to meet you, she might not want to. I think you need a middle preson that can ack for both you and your Bmom. Best of luck for what ever you deside to do.

Hi lisa--- live is **** some times but I hope you find her some day--yours--

maccrew6

Tell your a mom that you want to meet your bio mom.. but be careful..sometimes natural parents don't want to met the children they gave up for one reason or another. If that happens to be the case, don't take it too hard. at least you'll know you made the attempt.

Pretty Girl

well i'm sure your mom will get upset when you talk about your birth mom, i had a friend who went through that met her birth mom and her mom was upset and felt certain types of ways about things .. why not just wait until your 18 and then talk about it.. and yes your mom will have a hard time with this subject since she did raise you, best of luck with everything kiddo, sometimes its not what its cracked up to be, and sometimes its really great.

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