I am thinking of placing my baby girl who is 3 months up for adoption.. can anyone give me their advice?

cantstopLinnyG

Dont do it. Your baby will be severely emotionally damaged, as she has been with you for 9 months, and now 3 months since she was born. There is help available for you. Your baby wants nothing more than to be loved and raised by you, her natural mother. Here are some links that can help you. Please do not email anyone who contacts you here. they do not have your best interests at heart, the only want your baby. There have been millions of children raised without fathers. You can do this!!!

http://www.keepyourbaby.com/
http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index....
http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php
http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org
http://www.origins-usa.org
http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm
http://www.babyscoopera.com
http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

Mary O

Adoptive parents are human. They can be alcoholics, drug user. They can go bankrupt or divorce etc. In other words, they are just exactly the same as other people. I think all adoptees have abandonment issues to some extent. Why do you want to do this?? Have you gotten any counseling? This is a permanent solution to what might just be a temporary problem. Please think long and hard. This will change your life and your child's life forever. You will never stop missing that baby.

DevonChaos

As an adoptee... yes. I felt unwanted. I was abused emotionally by my amother. I know that they gave my parents a background check. The abuse didn't start until I was around 10, so maybe something happened between the time they adopted me, and the time she started acting out towards me. I was kicked out at age 16 and had to pretty much grow up right then and there.

Not having a father around does effect a baby. Not having EITHER parent around is horrid. I know this from experience. I grew up with strangers, and it always felt this way. I have my own children now, and it is a world of difference.

If I were you, I would keep the baby. There are no guarantees. The only way that you are going to know that your baby is safe and happy is if she is with you. Even with background checks, people who are unsavory can get through the cracks. This baby needs you more than anyone in this world. You can do it. There are so many places around these days to help out. After 3 months, she's bonded with you. She knows her name (which the adoptive parents may very well change, and you won't have a say in this) and knows your voice. She knows when you are near, and knows your scent. Imagine if she never heard or felt you near her again. It would cause damage to her. If you can find a way, keep her. I would beg my nmother to do the same, even after 30 years.

Felicita1

Before you choose to surrender your daughter, you have to ponder how you would answer this question: Could you live with not seeing her until she is 18, and possibly never again if she decides she's happy with her adoptive family and does not want you in her life?

As one adoptive mother told me, if you cannot live with a closed adoption, do not choose an open adoption. Adoption is adoption. You still sign over ALL legal rights to your child, including the right to any information about her or contact with her ("open adoptions" are NOT legally binding and no-one can force contact on adoptive parents who decide to close the adoption). You become a legal stranger to your child, and she gets a new birth certificate stating that the adoptive parents gave birth to you. This is the birth certificate that is now legally binding.

Adoptive parents can promise open adoptions, and even sign agreements to such on paper, but no court in the land will enforce those agreements. The adoptive parents can divorce, move to a different state, or cut off contact and there is nothing you can do about it.

A "background check" and "homestudy" does little to protect you. A home study did nothing to protect my son from an abusive and neglectful crazy adoptive mother with undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. All that counted was that they had money -- scads of it.

The lack of a father does not "affect babies a lot". Who on earth told you this scare story? A baby needs a secure parental relationship and lots of love and attention. If you are providing this then you are giving your baby everything he/she needs. Are your own parents involved? Grandparents and uncles/aunts can also provide that family security -- as can long-standing and supportive relationships with people outside the family.

btw, i've included links below to a blog written by a mother whose daughter has decided to refuse all contact, being satisfied with her adoption. No-one told this mother that she would be losing her daughter forever.

Where do you live? Mothers here can help you find resources to help you parent if you PM us.

mellowdeezee

I don't know what your reason for wanting to place your child up for adoption nor do I know what the state laws are where you're from cause I do believe there is a cut-off time for that.

As a single mom of 3, I too was considering adoption when I was pregnant with my last baby. I would say DON'T do it. I'm happy I didn't and I can't imagine after 3 months of bonding with your daughter how you can bring yourself to such a thing. I don't know if you have family that can help you out with whatever it is that your going through but I would try that route first. If you aren't treating your daughter well or have I'll feeling towards her please, seek someone to talk to.

Children don't ask to be brought into the world. They are human and have feelings no matter what their age. I've learned that children believe in their parents when no one else does. They love and trust their parents unconditionally and that to me, is a beautiful thing.

Take care, good luck.

Robin

I'm an adoptee. I grew up feeling as if my own mother didn't want me. To add to that pain, my adopted mother didn't really accept me as her daughter, either. She reluctantly agreed to my adoption to please my a.dad & siblings. My a.parents were foster parents 1st & had gone through the background check to be foster parents. "Intense background check"? IDK

My parents were functioning alcoholics. They had jobs & didn't get into legal trouble. But their drinking caused fighting & created chaos at home. They believed in corporal punishment; would slap or hit or spank using a belt or board as "discipline" (leaving bruises & welts). Also emotionally & verbally abusive.

Adoption does not guarantee your child will end up in a perfect home with loving parents. This doesn't mean all adoptive homes are bad, either.

Most of the time my children grew up, I was a single mom. I know how overwhelming it can seem at times. Especially with an infant. I didn't have help from my family & for several years I didn't have contact either. It's tough being a single parent at times! I believe kids are better off in a happy home with 1 loving parent than in a miserable, dysfunctional home with 2!

Find a support system to help you through this difficult time. It won't be this overwhelming & exhausting for ever. In fact, the first 9 months or so are the hardest. And you're 1/3 of the way there!

Look into the websites LinnyG posted, especially Concerned United Birthparents. Look into a local church, synagogue, community center or community college as possible resources. See if you can find a Mommy & Me class in the Parks & Rec division of your local city. You might meet some other moms your age who can lend emotional support and even trade baby sitting for a needed hour or two of alone time.

Good luck! Feel free to write to me for more ideas. I was on my own at 18 with a 1 year old.

ETA: Open adoption is an empty promise. There is no guarantee that the adoption will remain open. And there is no legal recourse if the adopting parents decide to cutoff all contact.

I was young (17), uneducated (finished HS after my daughter was born) & poor (at first). By the time my daughter was 5, I was OLDER (guaranteed-you will age), had graduated college & had a good job. When she was 8, I owned a condo. When she was 10, I owned a house. No one can tell you where your future will go. Only YOU can decide that!

BTW: My a.dad was a Naval Petty Officer. My a.mom a stay at home mom. No criminal records. Stable jobs/income. The house was always clean. Every pet ever owned had their shots. They passed the background check. Doesn't change the drinking or discipline problems! WAL!

Brianna n bremmy

no adoption has gotten bad these days like they get beat and raped theyre arent anymore good homes really just keep her she didnt deserve this almost like ur punishing an innocent girl

Mom2-3boys

Why are you considering this? Are you unable to care for her? Is there any way to get help? I'm not judging at all, I'm just trying to understand, so I can answer better.
If you want to talk, you can e-mail me.I'm not one of those people on here who wants your baby, I have 3 kids of my own. I just thought you might need a friendly ear ;-)

snowwillow20

Everything affects a baby. Losing you will definitely affect her. As a first mom I feel qualified to give my opinion.
Please try to do anything you can to keep your baby. You will not regret it. Living without your baby is very painful and the pain lasts a lifetime. You will think you are doing the right thing, people will tell you this is the best and the right thing to do but, be strong. Keep your baby.

europa

Hi you must be going through a very difficult time. Have you looked at other options perhaps temporary foster care. Go and talk to a social worker at a children or woman hospital to explore all your options. Once the baby is adopted out you may never see her again. You may also find a nice guy down the track who will love you and your child as his. You do not need a father image especially at such young age She wouldn't know the difference. I would not give her up She is a precious gift god has given you He will provide for all your needs Have courage
What guarantee does anyone have not to end up in divorce and he takes off to another country. It will affect your baby if you leave her now She has bonded with you He has disclaimed his responsibility don't be a second one to do it to her. Keep your baby Trust yourself

grapesgum

You have gotten some excellent advice from adoptees and first moms here.

PLEASE ignore the advice from adoptive parents who have no idea about the loss and ever-lasting pain of adoption. I shake my head at some of these people who can take babies from young girls and inflict horrible pain on them and call it a blessing.

Agencies do screening but it is not a guarantee that the adoptive parents will not be abusive or divorce or lose jobs. Privately arranged adoptions are very risky because the screening is questionable. A home study only means that the home has passed safety regulations.

Don't believe the doom and gloom nonsense about the fate of poor, single moms. It is based on biased statistics.

Also, do not be lured into an adoption with the promise of an open adoption. Open adoption is a scam that the adoption industry uses to trick mothers into signing away their rights. The majority of open adoptions are closed once you have no chance of getting your child back. My daughter's best friend lost her baby boy to open adoption lies.

Her father not being around is nothing compared to having NO relatives in her life. You daughter will feel that you abandoned her. Adoption is no guarantee that your child will have a father around. The divorce rate is the same for adoptive parents as it is for anyone else.

Carrie Ellaâ™¥Edward Cullen

I was adopted and so were my siblings so my sister adn i can answer this for you! I am 20 and my sister is 13!
To this day, I wonder if my parents are alive, do they miss me, would i ever be able to find them, DO THEY LOVE ME... it happens for all of us adopted. my brother sister and i were all adopted.
If you give up your daughter, leave her a note with pictures on it. tell her that (if you do) you still love her and tell her to call you when shes 4 and to tell her that you still love her! my siblings and i are doing well and we never got abused by our parents. but we grew up like any family would! we would hit each other but that was it. i still think about my parents because my brother knows his parents and they were too young to have him but they are still together.
i think they do a intense check because it could be dangourous....

Daisey Duck

I was adopted and I never felt unwanted. I was going on three by the time my adoption was final. For me I have never had any problems with it. Some will tell you that the child will grow up and hate your or be unhappy all their life, but I know I don't hate my first mom and I was not unhappy growing up. None of my friends who are adopted have feeling like that either. Just make sure that this is what you truly want to do before you do it. Will you be able to deal with it, because once it is final it is final and you will no longer have any rights where the child is concerned. I won't try to tell you what to do one way or the other as it is your life and only you know your reasons. I would talk to social services and see what they have to offer both in ways of keeping your child and in the process of adoption. That way you will be more able to decide what is the best way for you to go. Just don't let anyone talk you into or out of doing what you think is right. It's not their life it is yours and the baby's and only you can make this decision.

karcnr

You are thinking of your child and wanting what is best for her. That is love. You love you child. You will never stop loving your child, no matter is she is with you or you place her with another family. If you feel that you are not able to meet her needs, it is not irresponsible or taking the easy way out to place her for adoption. Babies and children need a lot more than just love. If you decide to place your baby for adoption, the adoptive couple should tell the child how much you love her and wanted the best life for her, even if you couldn't provide that. I hope you get counseling for whatever you decide. This is a difficult and emotional decision and you need support. As far as adoptive families, they go through background checks to make sure they are physically, emotionally and financially fit to be parents. It is harder to be an adoptive parent or foster parent than it is to be a biological parent, by this I just mean that some biological parents would not be able to be adoptive parents. Because of this background checking into adoptive parents, there is less of a chance of abuse and other negative things. But as someone else said, adoptive parents are still human. I know this must be a tough decision for you and can not comprehend what all you have been going through to make you think of this. Talk to someone, an adoption agency, or even your obgyn, they can point you in the right direction to get help.
Best of luck to you.

yeahright

I think you should think this through and sit down do a ton of research and find a friend and or counseler and talk this through. Come at this from a position of strength and knowledge-after you have--and you have made decision--whatever it is--stick with it and don't allow others who have NO IDEA who you are or how you feel or WHY you might be doing this try to get you to second guess yourself.

Wishing you really supportive, kind and positive thoughts. Good luck.

Looking4princess

I am in the process of trying to adopt. When you go through this process they do background checks. My husband and I have had to have medical exams, drug screenings, fingerprints and criminal background checks, autobiography of our lives, financial reviews, and many interviews. I believe the screening for adoptive parents are probably better than they were in the past. Plus you have the option of picking who you would like to be the adoptive parents. I have also heard of many adoptees who have been very happy with their lives. I know this must be a very hard decision. Only you know what is best for you and your child.

Katherine W

You can place your child in an open adoption where you can visit and be part of the family even. That might be best for your child.

You can also get help from local churches and nonprofit agencies if you need help with babysitting, food or money.

Yes, adoptive parents go through intensive checks. There may be a couple who are just praying for a baby girl like yours. You can meet them and decide for yourself. Please consider how it will help your little girl to be raised by two parents who love her and can take care of her.

There are three things that affect babies: the age of the mother, the education of the mother, and the income of the mother. If you're young, uneducated and poor, that has a huge negative influence on your child. If you have real trouble taking care of her, it's okay to consider adoption.

I wish you the best, my dear.

Ouida B

I'll take her, if you are serious.

allchildrenareangels

Yes adoptive parents go through intense back ground checks. You wouldn't believe all they go through. Well of course it is important. I will run a list of the things they check for you. They have to have a police background check ran. They have to a check up and have a letter written by their doctor stating whether or not they recommend you for adoption. The husband and wife have to do that. If you have children you have to have paperwork filled stating whether they have been well cared for or not. You have to get five recommendations from people you know and give them their numbers so they can call them. You have to have proof of where you work and salary. You have to get finger printed. You have to have two interviews one in your home and one at the office. They do an inspection of your home before and after the placement of the baby. If you have any animals you have to provide them with shot records. If you have a septic system you have to have it inspected. I am sure there are more things I just can't think of them right now. I am very familiar with the processes of adoption. I also have an adoption law book if you have any questions you need to ask please feel free to write me. Good luck.

Corn is not dog food! No wheat!

Your baby is 3 months old.
She's bonded to you, she will suffer if you suddenly dissapear.

I don't believe in "womb bonding". I believe the minute the child is born it starts bonding to it's family. These bonds are deep by the time the child is 3 months old.

You will harm this child in a way she'll never recover from if you give her away now.

If you need help, contact social services. They'll give you money, diapers, food for both you and her, and generally help you out.

Dana C

I know I will get negatives, but I am going to try to answer your question. I am on the opposite side, in that we have been trying to adopt for several years. Background checks have included police background checks for all adults on the property, physiological tests, personal references, training for 12 weeks (twice), financial records for 3 years, 3 different homestudies which include checking the heat sources, fire extinguisher/smoke alarms, square footage that is per person in the house, TB skin tests for everyone, full medical physicals, vet records for all pets to insure that all have their shots, and the last one I can think that we had to do was a letter from my husbands employer saying he is not in danger of being fired.
It has been very trying, but something we have worked toward. We went through social services. Our whole ride started three years ago, and so far the only answer we have gotten from them is there are no children needing to be adopted, but they will call us.
I grew up with two adopted brothers. They knew their birth mother their whole lives because of it being an open adoption. I just hope you are able to get counseling before you make your decision either way.
I wish you and your little girl the best.

CIFYACAN

We were unable to have children and went through Catholic Social Services. The birth mom picked us based on our autobiography and picture book. Then met us to make her final decision. We went through a financial check, background, finger prints, psych eval, etc. I believe going through a not for profit orgainization is the best way. They have free counseling for you and their interests are the child, first and foremost. We worked with the best people. The birth mom is 15 years old, doesn't have a home, she knew this was the babies best option and we love him so much. He will have a great life with us and we are so thankful for the selfless act and respect her and her decision.

sizesmith

As some have said, adoption has its ups and downs. I urge you to get to kow the adoptive parents very well. If you place the child, not only does the social worker visit them, interview them, they do criminal checks, and much more. I've even had them look in a few drawers, to see if things were organized, or what. You have the right to read the home study, to meet and see the home of the adoptive parents. Our son's first mom actually moved in with us for a few months, to make sure that she knew she was making the right choice. We also let her know her rights, like reading the consent forms out-loud, so she'd know how to stop the adoption if she wanted/needed to.

There are so many parents like ourselves, who wish to adopt. Our lives can be an open book to a woman like yourself, and you could still be part of your daughter's life. You really should meet and get to know the adoptive parents first. You can actually sign a guardianship for a couple of weeks, to make sure that she adjusts well, and that you are for sure in your decision.

My oldest son's father left when he was little. There are no guarantees in life, but the attitude and general things about a person will let you know if it's what's best for the child. I know that some people here have been really hurt by being adopted by bad people. It's sad, but it happens. There are also people who've been adopted by very good people, who even in their later adult lives truly know that being adopted was what was best (my brother-in-law for one). Please contact me if you'd like more information. I'd love to talk with you. Please send an e-mail. I'd be forever grateful to have the opportunity to adopt again!

Im here

dont do it, u never know who is gunna take you. make sure they are rich and are civilized, to raise your baby properly...thats as if you go for it.
THINK ABOUT IT !!! Your decision, nobody else's.

Stephen

depending on your age and how capable you are, it may be for the best

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